Words to my Mother

[toyougonetoosoon]

It’s the first Easter without you. I cried in the kitchen and drank whiskey. Easter was forced on me. It was your thing. But I suppose with you gone it falls to my shoulders to keep tradition for the kids. Eleanor has no idea what’s happening. I made ham sweet potatoes, granny potatoes, and green beans. I wasn’t going all out. I miss you. The further away from your death I am, the more I miss you.

I keep meaning to tell you thatbthw older two have their driver permits. Deinna and Christian moved out to live with Destiny and Matt.

Eleanor needs glasses. Steve was laid off. I’m going for my B.S. I’m terrified for grad school even when it is still 2 years away.

I graduate in May. You’re not here to see it. That makes me so sad. I’m your only child to get this far. I’m getting my doctorate too. I wish you were here. I’m so mad that you’re gone. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry ❤💛💚💙💜🖤

[toyougonetoosoon]

Ellie makes little clicking noises with her mouth now. Thought you’d like to know that. It seems like the type of thing you would ask me when she started doing.

You’re missing out on so much. I wish you were here still.

Em and Amber have their learners permits now. They are driving around. With me and Steve. They are really getting better. I’m proud of them.

I graduate in May. Still on track for that.

Figured out that Ellie has a slight, mild, allergy to tomatoes. It seems to only affect her skin not internally. Just red rash type marks until I wipe her down with a warm wash cloth. Then it goes away.

She’s my last and my first for a lot of things. And you’re not here to see it all happen.

I’m sorry.

[toyougonetoosoon]

Two days ago I caught myself about to take a picture of Eleanor with her hair in a full proper pony tail. 

I was planning on sending it to you. 

Then I remembered.

The things that you would love to see from the kids I want so desperately to send to you. 

But it’s too late now. 

I’m sorry I didn’t send every moment that I could to you. I falsely assumed we had more time. 

I won’t make that mistake again.

[toyougonetoosoon]

We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas without you. 

It was interesting. Nothing like when you were here. 

Thanksgiving we used disposable plate, silverware, and cups. 

Isabela took it harder than any of them. She made name tags for everyone to sit at the table. She even made one for you. Put it up on your urn. She has taken it the hardest I think. 

I still had issues with Randal. But he is having a hard time. He still blames himself to an extent. 

We miss you. All of us. I haven’t cried yet. I don’t know if I ever will. It isn’t because I don’t love you. Because I do. 

It isn’t because I don’t miss you. Because I do.

It is just because I’m broken. Interestingly enough, Randal feels the same way. 

I wish I knew how to be there for him. I wish I knew how to be a decent sibling

I’m not sure why I don’t know how to.  

I love you.