ERROR;ME

//just my poured out thoughts and feelings//

[tragicxfeelings]

"Don't ask me to pour out my feelings anymore. Don't pretend that you care. Let's face it. You're asking me if I'm okay for your own benefit. When did my "I'm not okay" turned to your "I've heard that before". Have you become so numb of what i say and how real my feelings are. Don't. Just stop asking me. If you're not hear to listen. Stop asking me to pour my heart out to you. You said you never knew when i was sad. Does it even matter right now? Even when i said I'm sad. You still don't give a shit. Am i such a fucking floor mat that all of you just treat me like something to make yourself feel better at that moment. I'm so close to blocking your number right now. So close to just. Blocking you. You talk to me when you feel like it, get mad at me whenever you feel like it, ignore me whenever you feel like it. Have you ever thought about how i feel? Have you ever tried walking in my shoes for a single second. I gave my all to make you feel whole. You too gave yourself your everything to feel whole. Then what about me? Has anyone ever thought about me?"

- 9.57pm // 22.10.19 //hurt and sad and disappointed and i just want to get tf out of this lifezxjoshspshsosbwosbsosbish

[tragicxfeelings]

drafts count : (3)

3 major drafts (N,J,R) yet to be completed. note to self. stop procrastinating and get your emotions out of your heart and into words before you forget everything.

xoxo 16/9/2019

[tragicxfeelings]

"It's not my job to make you feel like a man. I can't make you something you're not."

[tragicxfeelings]

"I'm sorry Ryuk. I love you"

[tragicxfeelings]

Why am I like this? Why. I'm panicking for no reason. And the fact that I know you don't want to know makes it worse. I guess to you I am just an emotional burden and that I'm quite a hassle to take care of sometimes. more and more recently I've been questioning myself if I really did love you. And quite frankly my answer at the start was a very firm "of course I do are you crazy" to now me thinking about it, maybe I'm more in love with the idea of what we could be. I realize these few weeks of being abandoned that in the oddball expecting people to love me in a way they never did. It's basically me being angry at something I know I can't change or I know won't change. a weird analogy would be that me being mad that the worm in holding can't fly, while I'm here wondering if its really worth the wait for it to turn into a butterfly, or I guess the main question would be is it even a caterpillar in the first place. Perhaps I've been wrong and that I'm setting expectations that are unobtainable. And that is just pumping depression gas into this little bubble of mine. Basically in the one holding the gun and pulling the trigger and being mad that you didn't stop me. I try not to include my friend's opinions into my relationship but the fact that I don't have any backup and these few weeks I've been so alone, I can't help my brain to be flooded with their thoughts instead. I feel like you and I have been so disconnected to the point, I wonder if I die right now will you even care, or will you even know? I realized these few months I've been expecting you to love me in a way you never love anything. You've never cared for much and to be honest, it was nice at the start. You never restricted me, never held me down, I had a lot of space to breathe. I guess now that we've gotten comfortable with each other, you just assume that by leaving me alone, I can breathe. It's odd how some of my other guy friends want to talk to me more than you do. How some of them care for me more than you do. A simple "hey how are you holding up?" would've been nice. I feel so disconnected from you and quite frankly, I'm starting to get used to it. every few hours my mind will still wander back to "how is he doing? does he think of me like I do?" but I know you probably don't. How can you say you love and care for someone but not want to even reply to them or talk to them. "I'm busy" is a stupid excuse you make up in your brain because you can spend hours on the new game you bought but can't talk to me like for a minute or 10 seconds each day? I feel like I'm losing my mind here, not being able to even connect with you. You tell me you don't talk to anybody, but I'm not just anybody. I am me. what do you mean in anybody? am I just simply 'anybody' to you? I'll say it now, I know we're bound to crash and burn. I know it. I don't need friends to tell me, I don't need anyone to tell me. I know it. But right now, it's not a truth I want to swallow. Right now, I'm in this little bubble of sadness and I guess it's nostalgic. I have no idea how to end this off. I guess I'll end off with an iconic "I love you" but sometimes I wonder if you'd say it back and mean it.

5.53pm // 21.11.18 // ?

[tragicxfeelings]

" 'talk to him' 'communicate 'tell him what you're feeling'. How can i when every time i talk i feel like im talking to a brick wall. He says he cares but i know he dont know how to care. He has never cared for anything other than the things he liked. And quite frankly I've started to accept that perhaps im not on that list. How can you communicate with someone who doesnt respond back? How can you feel whole with someone who doesn't clap back? How can i ever feel loved? Dont tell me to communicate. when all these while all I've been doing is trying to communicate but all I've got in return is silence. Why is loving me so difficult. Why am i killing myself. Why."

- 12.02am // 17.11.18 // feeling extra lonely

[tragicxfeelings]

I'll just rant here because I know if I told you these you'd never understand. you changed. or maybe you just find me a chore now, isn't it? I'm not okay and I blatantly tell you, yet you leave me on reading for hours and give shitty ass replies. our good night texts seem more like a chore to you with you abruptly leaving when I'm in the middle of my sentence. you used to be the last one to reply, but nowadays I find myself noticing I'm the one waiting for your replies. be numb. I want to be as numb and oblivious as you. I want to love as little as you. I want to care as little as you. how I wish I could be you instead of me. don't you tell me you love me. because if this is how you love someone, I genuinely feel bad for myself because somehow I feel more "loved" by my hamster that only comes to me when I have a treat he wants, at least he comes to great me waiting for food every time I walk by, you don't even bat an eye at me anymore. am I just not worth it? I know I'm not "good enough" so why do I still bother.

waves of sad reality crashing into me tonight // 1.52am // 27.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

let me crash without a parachute, at least I'd know that the fall has finally ended.

1.11am thoughts // 27.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

Still waiting for the day that my mind stops playing with me. Waiting for the day I feel good enough for anything at all. The grass is always greener on the other side but perhaps one day I will find someone that makes me feel like I'm the greenest grass that ever lived, like I'm the only light of his life and that maybe just maybe, feel like I'm actually worth loving. Thank you Mr mind for ruining all my thoughts and enchanting me every night with your constant chattering on how I'm never going to be good enough or that I am replaceable to everyone. I tell everyone I have accepted myself, but in fact, I never did, and I don't think I can ever learn to.

late night gibberish // 1.08am // 27.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

"Maybe one day you'll find your definition of true love. I know im not the one for you. You never seem happy around me. I wish i could detach myself from this like how you're detaching yourself. The thoughts of you are slowly killing me inside. Maybe one day you'll find someone you love more than your house. Maybe someday. I can be worth more than just this. Such a shame to watch these tears roll down. I wish you treated me better. I wish you loved me more. I wish i cared less. I wish i loved less. Everyone tells me i deserve better. But what if a better you is all i want. All i want is you to love me wholeheartedly. Someone who cares about me. Someone who bothers if im actually dying. I hate cliche movies because it reminds me how far fetch it is from reality. But right now. My reality seems so far from a normal relationship too. Dont you ever want to talk to me? Or have the urge to call me? Or go on dates? Dont you? Starting to think im the only one loving the other party in this relationship. Thank you for the memories. But if this breaks. I wish you can feel the pain im feeling now."

- silly me // 4.43pm // 25.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

Happy Birthday to You. I hope you had a blast today. I spent a lot of sleepless night thinking of what to prepare to give you and all those anxiety that came with preparing this day. I know you're happy but I wish you'd express more "happiness" to make me feel like all my efforts put in today was worth it. I wish you'd actually love me more after today, and I hope you did. I love you. I'm kinda disappointed. But I'm happy you're happy. Happy birthday my love.

mini anxiety attacks with a tint of disappointment // 10.11pm // 23.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

here's my issue. I know deep down you care, and that I know you love me. But it still hurts standing next to you trying to convince myself these silence between us is just you being an introvert and my mind screams out to me that you don't love me. At this point, I know it is my fault I overthink. But my mind is so free from ur warmth, of course, it's going to start to overthink. How I wish you'd stand a little closer, talk to me a little more, hold me a little longer, just any sign to tell me you love me more than I know. Because right now our love is so underwhelming. I know it's not your fault, but don't blame me for not feeling the love. I want to be something you desire and not something you occasionally think of. I want to be asked "hey let's call" instead of me constantly asking. I want you to shower me with gifts and hugs and kisses instead of me constantly begging you to hold me a little longer. I want us to be slightly more. I want you to love me. I want you to want me more. This sucks. This really sucks. It sucks to sit here waiting for your attention but I know you're not the type of guy that will hug me from the back or will hold my hand proudly in front of friends. I know you're not like that. But I can't help wondering if you don't do those things because you don't truly love me.

not upset. just mood. // 5.09pm // 19.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

""Something worth fighting for" that's something i aspire to become."

-//why am i like this//

[tragicxfeelings]

"Maybe one day I'll be good enough for you. Good enough to fight for. Good enough to love. Good enough to not ghost me and leave me on read. Maybe one day you'll love me enough to not leave me hanging after making me upset. Maybe one day. I'll finally be strong enough to love myself enough to not stand these nonsense. Maybe one day I'll make a point to love myself more than i love you. Like how you love yourself more than me. Maybe one day these tears of sadness will be your regrets and my distant nightmare. Maybe one day you'll see me as your worth. And perhaps when that day come. I'll be strong enough to walk away without turning back. And maybe you'll finally be the one caring."

- teary eyes after stupid brawlhalla // 2.12am // 16.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

"To my beloved Mr J. You mean so much to me. I feel so whole when I'm with you. I just thought you should know that. I know I am rhe clingy type thats desired 24/7 of your attention and when i get even a second of it i feel so happy. I wish you'll see what you truly mean to me and maybe then you might learn to appreciate me more. Hopefully you do like my "clingy-ness" but just don't ever express it. Hopefully."

[tragicxfeelings]

Bitch be angsty but she's the one creating her own chaos. I'm sorry, you picked her over me. I'm sorry, you picked her ungrateful sorry ass over me. maybe she is a god to you but she's an upright snake calling me shit behind my back and the fact you added fuel to that fire and joined into her, you are out of my trust circle. I cried not because she said mean shit about me, I cried and screamed and got super pissed because I saw my trust in you crumbled. After all the months of me denying you were untrustable, you finally showed me you really were untrustable. and I'm going, to be honest, there isn't a chance in the whole universe of salvaging that trust. you proved me right. you are to a snake. you lean on the one conveniently stronger. and sadly the truth exposes itself and I lost a friend. not a huge loss, but a loss indeed. sorry, Molly, I'm leaving you. you brought this to yourself. you made the choice. I have no issue if you want to stand up and make her happy, I have an issue with your loyalty. don't tell me she's nasty in front of me and tells her it nasty in front of her. I don't care your explanation. you threw me under the bus, and I'm leaving you in my "I don't really care about you" list of friends. thanks, molly, you went from an 8/10 to a 2/10 trust. you should thank yourself. I'm not mad, just disappointed that the speculations were true. I hate snakes. and it's sad you turned out to be one.

surprisingly okay after facing my biggest fear // 2.54am // 13.10.18

[tragicxfeelings]

it was a painful session. we sat down and honestly I never felt so relieved as the words left my mouth. I said things I wanted to say a long long time ago. you say you were angry but that shouldn't give you the right to just leave me stranded all alone heartbroken. I was angry too. why didn't you care then? But thank you for listening to me just now. It felt good because after all those weeks of being upset. I felt like I could finally breathe. Thank you for listening to me. I don't know how long your promise will last this time. But I'm praying that it will be a long time.

hopeful // 5.37pm // 2.10.18