Still confused, but who isnt?

I am what I am.

[trainedtobeconfused]

My sister had been using my bathroom a lot... wonder if it’s Bc I have a squatty potty 🧐 especially since she’s more than once left me without toilet paper 🙃

[trainedtobeconfused]

My sister said something to someone who was mean to a child. This person beat him and put him in the hospital because he want doing enough around the house.

My sister called this person a gender confused among other things in malice. She called him this because he’s a trans man.

She felt bad telling me but didn’t want to but she didn’t want to because she felt guilty for saying it in front of me.

I told her it doesn’t matter how to makes me feel that is what it is but her saying it and feeling uncomfortable important. She says she loves everyone and accepts them but goes to this when angry hurt or upset. She can accept her internalized feelings and work through them to be who she says she is and who she wants to be or not that’s on her.

I didn’t know that the phrasing she used would go through my head and raise my heart rate so.

I know my sister loves me but...does she accept my gender?

[trainedtobeconfused]

TikTok

Me when my later invites her friends over and invites me for a fire before telling me people are over.

[trainedtobeconfused]

Funny how the folks I care about most are the ones I mute so I don’t obsess over.

[liberalsarecool]

#Amazon #Unions

[trainedtobeconfused]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[trainedtobeconfused]

It takes a lot of trust to be open with a therapist sometimes.

[trainedtobeconfused]

Oh. No.I got corn kids taquitos instead of flour to Quito’s and now I’m disappointed

[trainedtobeconfused]

I feel like the oxygen is getting thin on this planet. The lights are fading and silhouettes are blurring before my eyes.

There’s an ember that’s survived tho it doesn’t thrive it still hasn’t given its battle to control exist here.

I always wanted to keep the light alive but how can I keep it up?

I lied and stole from someone, more than once, who I imagined a lifetime with. it took a lot of grief, guilt, and self pity to get to a spot I was able to get myself help and talk to someone about it all. That time I was the monster, I smothered the light and made it dim.

Since then and since moving I have had other experiences that aided in the attempted extinguishing of the light.

I feel like I’m crazy.

I don’t understand how a bill goes down and I don’t understand why folks at the phone store said it would go up not down with the merge. I want to believe it but it still feels off. If I didn’t ask would I still be overpaying? Will my paying you for the phone really mean I get to keep it? Maybe I’m being paranoid; I can just hear folks telling me I always overthink things and have no reason to think that way about this person, I know that’s not something they’d do.

Someone soon after a very late reply asks to send mail and the first thing I think...whale I was a bit disappointed to find it’s to send things back that have been found of mine. However that’s not the point of this. I was worried that if I sent my address then later it could be used against me somehow. Saying out loud now doesn’t really make much sense. I’m conflicted because I really have absolutely no reason to think that this person would do something like that. This is a person who I would go to to remind me there is fuel for this little ember around there are breaths of fresh air.

I’m scared to have this light go out. I’m so glad I write things out because this light radiating person this fuel for the flame has put trust in me and I broke it more than once. Yet still remains as a pillar of light in my eyes. I suppose I owe it to them to not think so wildly about them. It’s warranted to feel so skeptical of new people I meet and be a little more cautious but not this one.

[trainedtobeconfused]

Won’t focus on the past. Not others in my life and for myself I will focus on what can help me grow.

I thought I had done so and as my counselor says I shouldn’t discount my progress because I messed up again. I was stuck in this mind space where I had to be worried and coded and say just the right thing. I didn’t realize until it happened after months of progress.

It’s gonna happen. It’ll happen again. I’m trying to unlearn and undo the things I thought I had to do to survive and have a healthy relationship. Fun fact. Lying to Save your ass or to ease what you think others will think or feel ISNT OK.

It’s still a force of habit but I’m aware of it and if folks are. My friends they will accept I might need to come back after awhile and say “hey I said this but didn’t mean it or wanted to say this”

I think about an ex but I think I’m romanticizing it. I think about another and try to convince myself that’s the case.

[trainedtobeconfused]

Sometimes I torture myself looking at ex’s profiles and idk why.

[trainedtobeconfused]

I just want friends 😭

I wrote that ^^ during a bit of an emotional episode. I was so sad I wasn’t able to go to Decatur to get my breaks and oil done but it’s not about the breaks and oil (tho they do need done) it’s that going to Decatur means I can be social. I have my mom and dad, sister he this and and child. And I don’t have to have a filter. I don’t have to think if the thing I say is right or wrong I can just say it and then if there’s an issue we talk. We laugh a lot. But dude who was supposed to do it said to do it another day for the SECOND DAY IN A ROW. The sister I’m living with was at work and her husband had a friend over. I just wanted someone to care and talk to.

Turns out I do have people like that, I just forget they’re there. I’m so excited to move back (probably in a few years tbh) and be with my people again. I’ll def have to come and visit again once we all get the vaccine and can safely have a group get away.

[trainedtobeconfused]

I can’t breathe today. There’s a weight on my chest

[trainedtobeconfused]

Everyone else is cleaning. I suppose it’s about time to put in my own headphones and clean as well. . .

Right after this episode

[trainedtobeconfused]

Lack of response is response enough I suppose.

Wonder if the actions taken are a result of retaliation.

Suppose it doesn’t matter in any case.

Random side note, I just realized I haven’t showered this week... I went to comb my hair in a black hoodie and watched the buildup fall like snow. Thank goodness I found a scalp scrub at the store and am really enjoying this rosemary mint shampoo I got. Even if I’ve only used it a few times 😅

[dankmemeuniversity]

[trainedtobeconfused]