Trans-Toddler

From my little man to my precious girl. Resources and daily life of our family in transition.

[trans-toddler-blog]

Its been awhile

So many things have happened in our lives since my last post so hold on to your seats because this is going to be a long post

I’ve decided its best that I be as transparent as possible with our journey. Not only with a transgender child but in our crazy lives.

Where the crazy started....

On July 6th our lives changed. My ex-husband was watching the kids while I was at work as usual and got into an argument with Ella over going to bed. Lets face it at 4 years old no matter what your gender they never want to go to bed. I wasnt there when it happened but as I have been able to put together from Ella account...In the argument of trying to get her to go to bed he grabbed her by the arm and leg and twisted her arm so hard that he broke it. He then proceed to gave her medication while she was screaming until she fell asleep (an important fact as he is a forensic toxicologist and his job is to know medication). When I got home he reeked of alcohol (not unusual) and said she may have hurt her arm and that was it. The next day she wakes up in pain, her wrist covered in finger shaped bruises and I rushed her to the doctors. Her pediatrician called DCFS and SUV after getting the xrays and she went to get her first cast.

Within 24 hours the detectives were in our living room, DCFS came to talk to her and she gave full disclosure on video exactly what happened at the children’s advocacy center. Our entire world got turned upside down. I went from a single parent with a break sometimes due to a co-parent I may or may not like on any given day to being a soul parent with no help, no family and struggling to be able to go to work and have someone with the kids. 

Life quickly turned into chaos of childcare problems, no-contact orders, court dates and more. Who knew finding a nanny that was accepting of Ella being transgender was a nightmare. Someone actually implied that Ella being trans was equivalent to being ‘special needs’ therefore they needed more money.

Both kids are coping with the trauma in their own way. Its been long enough that Levi acts like he doesn’t remember his dad at all. Ella still cries when someone brings up her dad and proceeds to tell anyone who will listen that her dad is in ‘adult time out’. Truth is he is out on bond. Its been hard since we live across the street from each other forcing us to move because the trauma of seeing his house and possibly running into him on the street has made us feel like we are living as prisoners in our own neighborhood. 

Since this whole thing happened Levi turned 3 and Ella turned 5. Life moved on without their dad and no one mentioned his absence. 

Fast forward to this week....

We are weeks from moving. Finally getting our lives back on track and someone called DCFS and reports me for ‘environmental neglect.’ A social worker comes to my house and proceeds to tell me I am causing my child irreparable damage for allowing my ‘son’ to dress as a girl and refuses to use the correct pronoun. I am in shock. I devote every moment of my life to make sure my kids are taken care of and have everything they need. Doesn’t even tell me what the report was for, walks around my house and leaves. I get a lawyer, I called all of my children’s doctors, therapists and our criminal advocate for the case and report whats going on. Our pediatrician calls DCFS herself and reports the social worker for the comments. The assistant state attorneys office is helping me find out who reported it to DCFS and if it is my ex or someone related/close to him they can add harassment on to his charges (felony class x child abuse, felony class 2 neglect). I spend my time in fear that they are going to try to take my children away even though my house is clean, they are happy and taken care of and I work so hard to keep everything running for them. I don’t think I have cried this much in a long time.

On top of costs of moving, costs of therapies for Ella from gender identity clinic to trauma therapy, running businesses I am tapped out. I am stressing about giving my kids a Christmas that they both deserve. I am angry and hurt that a man I once married has caused so much pain to the kids and I. My ex in-laws are acting like I should feel lucky they are paying a portion of the owed child support (but never the full amount even though they are from a lot of money) and have never sent either kid a birthday parents let alone see them. It has hit me that I am alone and these kids have me and there is no one to bail me out if I need it. I am lucky that I have a family of choice. Made of friends who have been by my side forever. These kids have so many aunts and uncles who love them dearly.

Tis the season for hopes, dreams and Santa and all I hope for is a secret santa to appear and give my kids everything they could want and hope because they deserve it. This year has been rough for everyone. 

I promise to update more often. 

[trans-toddler-blog]

And then there was more

I feel bad I have been away from this blog for a couple weeks. As someone in the wedding industry this season has been hectic...

I have started at least 3 posts that I didn’t finish and honestly its because I have been having such a hard time processing things in our lives right now. I started going to a new therapist to help me be a better parent towards my kids and handle things better.

Since I last posted a lot of things have happened. Noah has decided to be Noella or Ella for short (I call her Ella Bella), we had our first stranger interaction that immediately called her by female pronouns and we had our first playground interaction that a parent wouldn’t allow their child to play with her because she is “a boy in girls clothing”.

I feel like we are all on a constant emotional roller coaster with this. I want to better formulate a post about our interactions with the outside world that isn’t at 4am (thanks insomnia). 

But just because she makes me smile, a little picture of her shopping at H&M for some summer dresses and her happy face <3

[trans-toddler-blog]

The Mourning Process

On November 14th 2011 a beautiful baby was put into my arms and I was told to say hello to my son. With 10 toes and 10 fingers my biggest concern was jaundice and giving him the best future we could. I looked at his face for the first time and instantly fell in love with his giant cheeks and his little expressions. I looked at him and saw our future together as my little man.

The day he came home. Photo by Bill Ledbetter and Hannah Lindsley 

On May 9th 2016 after years of Noah telling me that he wanted to be a girl, having depression and anxiety at only 4 years old the decision was made to transition from male to female full time and we looked at Noah and said from now on you are a girl and I was told to welcome my precious daughter.

Even before her birth I knew I didn’t believe in gender roles. Both my kids have all types of toys from cars to Barbie’s and can express themselves however they wanted. From the moment the decision was made I knew this was the right this for her and for our family. I could see the overwhelming happiness in her eyes and she was the happy child I knew she was always capable of being. We bought her first dress from Target, blue polka dots with bows and pockets. We took a trip to salvation army to get her first set of outfits to bring home.

Then reality set in…

The next day it was time to put away all the new items. Noah says to me now that she is a girl she doesn’t need any of her ‘boy clothes’. As I packed away her boy clothing for her little brother I cried. I was so overwhelmed by emotion I had to have my boyfriend sit with me and help me finish what felt like an impossible task. It felt like I was losing a child, the future I had envisioned of my 2 boys was now a boy and a girl and the struggle I know she will endure in the future hit me. I am still crying every day after the kids are asleep. As a single parent I wonder if I can handle this on my own, how can I protect her? How can I mourn the loss of my son? He didn’t pass away, he just became a she and there is no closure to that part of her life for me. This loss doesn’t come with a funeral, instead it comes with the celebration of shopping trips and tough conversations with everyone in her life. It comes with a lot of therapy. I’m constantly struggling with using the correct pronouns and correcting others. I’m worried I will offend her by saying the wrong things but I know that she doesn’t care what pronoun I use as long as she gets to be true to herself. She is now the big sister and my big girl.

I just have to remind myself that she will always be my child regardless of gender identity or if she decides one day to change her name. She loves the colors violet and pink, her favorite shape is a triangle, she is obsessed with Everest and Skye from paw patrol, she loves to dance and her favorite song is Shake it off by Taylor Swift. Oh and of course she loves her little brother!

This an amazing video that screams Noah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKwxGkHC5v0

[trans-toddler-blog]

Just the beginning

Above is my 2 beautiful boys (L to R) Levi 2.5 and Noah 4.5 (pre-transition)

I feel like I should start off introducing myself and my lovely children. My name is Dee. I am a single mom of two wonderful kids both born male. My oldest Noah is 4.5 years old and since he could talk he has adamantly told us that all he wants is to be a girl. After being concerned because Noah was showing signs of depression and anxiety disorders at only 4 years old we decided it was time to finally let him become a her. My youngest is Levi and is 2.5 and as crazy toddler boy as you can get but adores his brother (now sister) and has picked up the change in language faster than us! Obviously this choice not only affects Noah but our entire unorthodox family unit. 

Noah in his very first dress. He didn’t take it off for a couple days! 

Before I move forward I want to define some terms

Sexual Preference; Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Pansexual, etc. Are who you are attracted to and seek physical or emotional relationships with. In our case at 4.5 we are still many years from that thankfully.

Sex; The biological body parts you are born with. Noah has a penis and will continue to until after the age of 18 if she decides she wants surgery but once again we are 13.5 years from that. On government and medical documents she is considered a male.

Gender Identity; Everyone lives on the spectrum of the social norms of what we consider gender appropriate. Blue is for boys and Pink is for girls is a popular one. What you identify with in terms of the social norms and how you choose to express your gender from dress, speech, mannerism, etc.

Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria Disorder;  the formal diagnosis of people who experience significant dysphoria (discontent) with the sex they were assigned at birth and/or the gender roles associated with that sex (taken from wiki). This is where we are with Noah. 

How do we know its not just a phase?

We don’t! We are letting her lead us in this journey to find who she is supposed to be. She could wake up tomorrow and decide she wants to play football and be a him and that’s ok too. One milestone at a time is where we all are and I’m grateful to now have my little boy and my precious girl.

I’m really looking forward to continuing writing here as we progress through this transition and find our new normal.