On November 14th 2011 a beautiful baby was put into my arms and I was told to say hello to my son. With 10 toes and 10 fingers my biggest concern was jaundice and giving him the best future we could. I looked at his face for the first time and instantly fell in love with his giant cheeks and his little expressions. I looked at him and saw our future together as my little man.
The day he came home. Photo by Bill Ledbetter and Hannah Lindsley
On May 9th 2016 after years of Noah telling me that he wanted to be a girl, having depression and anxiety at only 4 years old the decision was made to transition from male to female full time and we looked at Noah and said from now on you are a girl and I was told to welcome my precious daughter.
Even before her birth I knew I didn’t believe in gender roles. Both my kids have all types of toys from cars to Barbie’s and can express themselves however they wanted. From the moment the decision was made I knew this was the right this for her and for our family. I could see the overwhelming happiness in her eyes and she was the happy child I knew she was always capable of being. We bought her first dress from Target, blue polka dots with bows and pockets. We took a trip to salvation army to get her first set of outfits to bring home.
Then reality set in…
The next day it was time to put away all the new items. Noah says to me now that she is a girl she doesn’t need any of her ‘boy clothes’. As I packed away her boy clothing for her little brother I cried. I was so overwhelmed by emotion I had to have my boyfriend sit with me and help me finish what felt like an impossible task. It felt like I was losing a child, the future I had envisioned of my 2 boys was now a boy and a girl and the struggle I know she will endure in the future hit me. I am still crying every day after the kids are asleep. As a single parent I wonder if I can handle this on my own, how can I protect her? How can I mourn the loss of my son? He didn’t pass away, he just became a she and there is no closure to that part of her life for me. This loss doesn’t come with a funeral, instead it comes with the celebration of shopping trips and tough conversations with everyone in her life. It comes with a lot of therapy. I’m constantly struggling with using the correct pronouns and correcting others. I’m worried I will offend her by saying the wrong things but I know that she doesn’t care what pronoun I use as long as she gets to be true to herself. She is now the big sister and my big girl.
I just have to remind myself that she will always be my child regardless of gender identity or if she decides one day to change her name. She loves the colors violet and pink, her favorite shape is a triangle, she is obsessed with Everest and Skye from paw patrol, she loves to dance and her favorite song is Shake it off by Taylor Swift. Oh and of course she loves her little brother!
I got a package from my dad's job today. His job made shirts in his honor for the annual charity event. They raised $1,000. I really appreciate it. But now that I think about it, it is almost been a year. Why haven't I been informed about the cause of his death yet? It's like everyone knows, except his ONLY CHILD. I'll never gain any of my happiness back until I know how my dad died. Never.
I realized. A long time ago. Why I have so much anxiety and lack of care for my research. I was actively doing it the day my dad died. I love my topic. I think it’s important. But I couldn’t understand why I did and still don’t want to touch it, read it, or even think about it. It just reminds me too much of my dad. And the issues that surround his death. Everytime I try to do some form of my research my brain feels like a tumor is developing. I bet the hurt I feel in my brain is the side he fell on when he died. I just don’t get it. I can’t even comprehend. I can’t even mourn. I don’t, understand Elderly ex-offenders. I’ll be able to multi-task soon.
Today I dreamed my dad called for me in grand central. That "Nee-kohl" he always did. Ran and gave him a hug. Said I love you And apologized for being an angry teenager. He couldn't hug me again. But he had on his black leather hat, jacket and shoes. He looked like that picture that I lost. Him in his red car looking up. This seemed less real His wife sent me mad pictures he had of us And he kept the George Bush card. LOL I hope she looked at the pics. So she can realize he ACTUALLY HAD A LIFE BEFORE HER. I can't like her. Idk. I'm still waiting for an autopsy and death report. She has them. Come on son.
Totally in need of encouragement. I'm really trying to change this semester but I'm running low on motivation. Every morning I wake up saying my dad is dead for no reason and every night I try to remember him so I don't forget. I can't. Daddy if you can, can you give me a real hug?
Just had a dream that my dad was coming flown towards Port Authority from the 7 train. I ran and gave him a big hug. I could feel him. His exact body. I rubbed his head and everything. But I don’t think he hugged me back. It was one of my I’m hugging you by the neck and placing my entire body of weight on you so can lift me. Hugs. But I don’t think he could hug me back. . But he looked at me with smiling eyes. And I think he said I’m proud of you. Must have been stalking my first week of school.
So. We've officially buried my dad. August 18th. As they were sealing it up I cried my hardest. It was then that I realized I'd never see his body, dead or alive again. My aunts said when grandpa died the dogs were barking like crazy. They did the same Saturday night. My aunts said that my dad said he won't be in Jamaica long. He's going to Poughkeepsie. My selfish jealousy wonders who he is gonna visit first. Me or her. Idk. Now that I know I'm jealous I still don't feel like I'm gonna learn to like her. I just can't. I know my dad is disappointed in me I know he's sad I thought about a lot of the bad times first. Maybe when I calm down I can see him and we can talk. But I'm glad I met grandma. She's hilarious. I goin BOX YOU. My family is huge and hilarious. My cousins. Hilarious. So many boys. Lawd. I hope he was there when I was. He probably sent the rat. LOL
