i realize this might be a kind of a weird thing for me to devote time to when i’m one episode from the end but honestly? i just have to. i have to. i have a longer piece of meta in this vein that i’ll deal with some other time when i’m less focused on the end of season 5, but given the content of the last couple episodes i just - cannot restrain myself. the stunning level of deliberate, unnecessary cruelty i witnessed in that one moment yesterday (guess i was WRONG omg i STILL can’t believe i heard that with my own two ears…i probably have the lowest expectations of arthur pendragon out of anybody in this fandom but even i was shocked) - it tipped me right over the edge. it threw me for an entire loop.
so, what i have to do right now is take a second to acknowledge the one character who a) predicted this bullshit a long time ago, and b) could have been relied upon to react to it appropriately, that is to say by punching arthur pendragon in the mouth.
fig. A: my Son, ‘I Would Sell Arthur Pendragon to Satan for One Corn Chip’
i know we only saw him once. i don’t care. he’s the only non-villain across five entire seasons of this show who ever told arthur pendragon to get fucked, and that makes him an absolute hero.
this kid snuck up on me and became my most beloved minor character. when i first met him, i liked him a normal amount, but i wasn’t as deeply invested in him as i am now. it wasn’t until i got a little further along in the show and started to see how truly painful merlin’s situation becomes without a friend who knows him that i started thinking about him again, and realized how much i actually appreciated him.
will occupies a…fairly unique position in merlin’s circle. all of merlin’s other friends eventually become knights, or become queen, and they all hop aboard the arthur pendragon train as they get deeper entwined in camelot’s renaissance. even gwaine, who is a little iffy about arthur in the very beginning, becomes as loyal a knight as camelot has ever seen, and he’s just as invested in camelot’s flourishing as anyone. and i don’t say this to throw shade at him, or at lancelot, or anybody; those two in particular have absolutely always been true friends to merlin, regardless of the vows they took to camelot. but there is just something to be said for like - merlin does not have a single person in his life right now who cares about him without also being beholden to arthur. gwen and gaius and all of the knights are sworn to serve and protect the king. they are all fully aboard the arthur pendragon train, and on board with merlin’s mission to aid arthur and keep him safe. gwen, gwaine, gaius, lancelot - even merlin’s own mother is on that train, when she tells merlin he has to go back to camelot at the end of 1.10, saying “you belong at arthur’s side. i’ve seen how much he needs you.”
these people would not argue with merlin over the merits of sacrificing things for arthur, because they, too, would do anything for their king. they wouldn’t necessarily challenge merlin on statements like “his life is worth a hundred of mine,” because they understand what merlin means. they’re on that same page.
and that’s nice and all, but given recent events (and forthcoming events, i suspect) i suppose i just am feeling. a little tired of that.
i’m tired of the arthur pendragon train. i want to get off. i want MERLIN to get off. and the only other person in the world who ever believed that merlin deserved to get off the arthur pendragon train was will.
all the most recent episodes i’m watching are highlighting for me once again how little merlin settles for in his life. he can’t be known. he can’t be seen. he can’t be accepted. he can’t be listened to. he can’t be believed. he can’t be respected. he can’t be safe. he can’t be loved. he can’t say ‘i am sorry that i can’t go with you to this place’ (for the first time in HOW many years?) without receiving a deliberately nasty, cutting slap across the face.
and we try to rationalize this away; we try to look at the good parts (and yes, there are good parts, of course there are good parts; of course arthur and merlin care about each other) but the ultimate truth is that arthur isn’t merlin’s real friend, not yet. he thinks he is. but he isn’t. a real friend isn’t someone who might kill you if they knew who you were. a real friend isn’t someone who makes you feel like you have to pretend to be someone you’re not.
you cannot be loved if you aren’t safe.
the only person who ever acknowledges this dynamic is will. will sees the parts of arthur that merlin tries not to look at, and will loves merlin enough to say ‘this situation you are in is messed up.’ he’s the only one, across five seasons of this show, who ever comes right out and says that merlin is fooling himself when it comes to this ‘friendship.’ merlin might have other people who care about him, later, but all of them are as wrapped up in arthur’s well-being as merlin is. they don’t tell merlin he deserves better. they don’t tell merlin ‘this is shitty. this is a shitty situation you’re settling for. you deserve more than this.’
five seasons, and will is the only person who ever says this. merlin’s own mother won’t tell him this.
i’ve been thinking about will kind of a lot as i watch these episodes.
i think…i think will would lose his mind if he could see merlin at the end of this show. at ANY point in this show, practically. he would be so devastatingly angry. if he ever heard “his life is worth a hundred of mine” come out of merlin’s mouth - i mean. he’d kill somebody. he’d thump merlin upside the head and then go kill somebody.
will was only ever in this for merlin. he didn’t save arthur’s life because he’d started to like the guy; he did it because that’s just who he is. he saw someone about to get shot and his first instinct was to get in the way. he’s not riding the arthur pendragon train, and he’s certainly not riding the camelot train, but he still makes sure merlin can go safely back to the citadel, because for some unfathomable reason, merlin seems to feel that it’s important.
because - and this is so important here - will doesn’t even know anything about merlin’s ‘destiny.’ they didn’t have time to talk about dragons or destinies or any of that. all will knows is that it’s important to merlin, for whatever reason, and that’s enough to make it important to will. even though he doesn’t understand it. even though he doesn’t agree with it. even though he personally thinks arthur’s a loser. he does what he does so that merlin can have what he wants, so that merlin can be safe and happy in the city of his choice.
SAFE and HAPPY. and merlin isn’t either of those things. merlin has never been less safe than he is now. and merlin hasn’t been happy for a very long time.
will would be rolling over in his grave if he could see merlin now. he would have fought against the sort of…slow self-immolation we see merlin surrendering himself to here every step of the way. will told a prince to fuck off in front of the entire population of ealdor; he wouldn’t have any qualms about telling ‘destiny’ to get stuffed, either. and i find myself missing that single-minded devotion, that uncompromising affirmation of merlin’s intrinsic worth, as opposed to merlin’s importance as a prophesied figure out of myth, as the skies darken over merlin’s head and i see him getting ready to (i think) do something that would send will into an absolute rage.
none of merlin’s friends or family have ever wanted him to suffer, but will was the only one who saw where this was going, a long, long time ago. he knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. and like…people can complain about him refusing to jump on board the arthur+merlin ship all they want, but the reason he doesn’t get on that boat is because he’s always been captain and sole passenger of the HMS Merlin, and he is the only one who has ever understood that these two boats, with the way the world works right now, just can’t sail together. so much would have to change first.
so like…i miss this kid. i really do. and i think merlin misses him, too, but not in a way that he can afford to let himself think about. how can a person in merlin’s position afford to remember someone who always thought that merlin’s happiness and safety were more important than anything, when merlin has, by necessity, spent all these years forcing himself to finally accept that his own happiness and safety will always have to be his last priority? how can he handle being reminded of a time when someone unconditionally believed that merlin deserved to live in this world and be happy, not because of what merlin could do or what great purpose he would serve, but simply because he is. just because he exists. because he’s enough as he is. he matters just as he is. he deserves to be safe and happy just because he is, not because of what he can do for his majesty the prince.
i don’t think someone in merlin’s position can afford to think like that, especially now. i think it’s like - when you’re overwhelmed or stressed or upset and you’re holding it together but then somebody does one simple nice thing for you or gives you a hug and that’s when you lose it and start bawling - it feels like that. i don’t think merlin could handle being gentled in that way. i think it would be similar to when gwaine tells him “not arthur” - that inability to conceive of somebody who only cares about him, who puts him first. i think if merlin allowed himself to remember that there was in fact a time in his life when he was someone’s first priority, if he remembered what that felt like - he would crack right down the middle.
i think if someone were to really remind him of what he deserves from this life, to remind him of what he used to hope he would one day have, he would never be able to do what he thinks he needs to do.
the point of all this is just that as i enter the very end of this show and see merlin still - still - being deliberately gutted by someone who is supposed to love him, someone for whom merlin has been totally willing to give up his life a hundred times over, despite never being recognized and never being accepted and never being free - it is making me appreciate even more keenly the very few people in merlin’s life who chose not to treat him that way. the very, very few people who knew him and loved him just the way he was. and in particular it makes me appreciate will, who never had eyes for anybody but merlin, and who, uniquely among merlin’s friends, could not care less about arthur pendragon if you paid him.
after the last episode, i’m just really feeling his energy.
germansingergirl
yousharknotpass
kaledo-art
baratheonpilled
dededos
kianamaiart
