[transcendantbitch]

[transcendantbitch]

i know supposedly to get a manifestation you have to let go of expectation of how it’ll arrive but i’m kind of terrified of how that might happen mostly because the thing we wished for most consistently was just reunion. so i’m very scared to get my heart broken anyway. if he doesn’t at least want to stay some kind of family i’ll be torn to pieces i think. i need some kind of reassurance he’s not gonna leave again. that was too devastating to go through, we couldn’t handle it more than once.

[transcendantbitch]

for the record we literally have the same 200ish followers on main as we have had for the last like nine fucking years we’ve had our main so yeah no people literally do like us for us. it is actually not a fucking death sentence to outgrow an attitude that no longer serves you. the whole ‘if i get canceled my social life is over’ thing is literally just some clique shit. your friends who legitimately care about you do in fact legitimately care about you whether you say all the right things or not. that’s kinda what actual friendship is like.

[the-night-picture-collector]

Johan Christian Dahl, Moon Night Over Dresden, 1827

[transcendantbitch]

honestly the more i get absolutely any temptation away from him at this point i take it as a test and refuse to accept it and it's getting really annoying at this point. i'm actually kind of scared of the gods like. deciding for me i have to fall for someone else. i KNOW i need a break, i KNOW i need support, i KNOW it would be so easy to just give up and just take it easy but i can't. i can't. even if he never comes back, which i hope to every god imaginable that's not the case, but just to prove this shit to myself, i am sick to death of promising forever and not being able to deliver. i have already overthought this to death. i do not want any more tests. i am really tired. just let me love the person i want to love. stop trying to sway me away from him. i'm so tired. i don't care. i don't even care about being poly, i don't want to be poly unless he gives me permission. if i force him into something he doesn't want when i'm already being my normal forceful self i won't forgive myself.

i can't let go. i'm not going to let go. stop fucking asking me to let go. the only reason i keep being asked to let go is because that's the only reason i would. is if i did it myself. so i'm not letting go. i'm not. stop trying to make me. the more you make me the more stubborn i get. so please stop trying. please.

[transcendantbitch]

also fwiw — if codependence mcgee already did that blood oath shit it doesn’t matter if his heart stops being in it. a love spell is easily broken by both the knowledge it’s there and knowledge of a loss of love. it’s really not that big a deal.

but i would equally be pissed as fuck if he tries (or already tried) it as a last ditch thing or behind his back. that’s low, man. do you care about him being happy or not? no one’s responsible for your life but you. he can barely keep himself alive. don’t hold yourself hostage to save a dying relationship. that’s abusive as shit and the fact you can’t see it means you can’t see you’re abusive. which is a lot worse. at least my abuser did the whole ‘i’ve changed i’ve changed’ bit. it’s so much more annoying getting saddled with the ‘how dare you even accuse me of that’ nonsense. which sounds pretty typical of him now that i think about it.

[transcendantbitch]

i keep hearing ‘lower your standards’ in songs today. why would i have to lower it? my standard is already you, darling ❤️

[blueberry-boyfriends]

marked up🖤

[palomamia]

Franz Grainer - Bayer Akt

sépia 1920 s

[pngzoid]

19th Century Studded Leather Dog Collar

[mournfulroses]

Franz Kafka, from a letter to Felice Bauer written in 1913, featured in Letters To Felice

[transcendantbitch]

also izzy is a pussy ass bitch for not wanting to do any of that like hair locket or blood mixing spellwork with me cuz she was scared cuz it's a spell that has to do with love. bitch. if you wanna be with me and you want it to be forever what the fuck are you scared about. i want fucking matching blood vials with my beloved i'm not gonna be with someone who's gonna pussy out about it

[transcendantbitch]

just putting this out there for izzy specifically -- me continuing to talk about you on this blog is not for you, it is for me. and also for fucking garry who refuses to leave me alone and i'm annoyed at this point bc i can smell your entitled ass energy radiating off him like the stink of three-day bender.

talking would've been the one thing that could've gotten me back and you didn't do that before i moved on so now there's nothing. yes, honestly, i kind of think it's a shame we never tried to recover the friendship, but i'm at peace with it now. i'm just still processing because it was a lot. it took me a really long time to get through that and it's left serious scars on my heart.

i don't want you. you would be bad for me. i sincerely think i would be bad for you, not for want of trying, but because we just are not compatible. i'm glad i raised a standard for you, but i also should be showing you what not to pursue as well. the person for you will be so much fucking easier to deal with than me. i promise. that's a promise i can keep cuz it's not a promise i need to fucking worry about, that's just. how this shit fucking works.

can you please put your faerie bitch on a leash and leave me and my energy the fuck alone. thanks.

[animeblgging-deactivated2021110]

[feverarchive]

[transcendantbitch]

honestly i dislike going on about other options. not just because i made my decision but like. who the fuck wants to be called a fucking placeholder. that's cruel. i don't wanna lead someone on, especially not someone who i'm calling a fucking placeholder. jesus christ.

and i also don't wanna shove c in another box if he would rather take my help to set himself free of anyone, including me. i would do that for him. i'd do almost anything for him, really. not out of desperation. i mean that, yes, that too, but out of love. devotion. it's unconditional. i just want to be able to show that love any way i'm able. it pains me not to be permitted to do that. by discourse or by circumstance or by shitty jealous petty bitches keeping him convinced i ain't shit when he knows damn well i was good for his wallet at the very least. and i was serious about that marriage shit and he knows damn well how much i have.

... also these days i'm wary of what i put out into the universe. i've put out a thousand times i want him. but i also don't want to be telling the universe that i think i deserve no one if i can't have him. i mean, i'd much rather keep fighting for the opportunity to have him. i would. but it's not right to deprive someone like me of love. the fact i've gone without good love this whole time was just because i wasn't ready. i would like to be able to love c now that i'm really ready. and if he's not himself, i can be patient. but i hate being patient with getting to talk to him again. i hate being apart. it pains me. every day it pains me. every day i long for him. and i know even if it's not him watching me directly, i know word of my obsession has made the rounds. i know damn well that's the case, i know the kind of petty jealous self-obsessed projecting losers who like to keep tabs on me, waiting for more bullshit to add to the callout post. that didn't even fucking work, incidentally. i'm doing fucking fine. my career is fine. people prefer the me who doesn't take anybody's shit, actually. yall're literally just jealous. you probably wish i'd love you the way i love c, huh? morons. this love is for him alone. a love for someone else would be its own unique love, too. how do you not know that by now?

[sarahdraws16]

Sketches of Ego 🫁 (oc)