[transcendantbitch]

luci (or neah or bill) . 31 . it/its preferred . agender . pan . alter . pagan

aesthetic side blog and personal diary . do not follow if bodily under 18 bc i post nsft sometimes . blinkies and stuff below

Big Bill Hale Car Dealership Gag TV Commercial

Unaired gag commercial for "Big Bill Hale's Cars" in Baltimore Maryland

[transcendantbitch]

do you think he’d go for ‘brother’ or ‘master’

[ink-cough]

kitty. kitty boy. pretty dolly kitty boy

[transcendantbitch]

atta girl

[transcendantbitch]

do you think he’d go for ‘brother’ or ‘master’

[transcendantbitch]

i don’t wanna hear anyone else tryina get what i’m tryina get with c man shut the fuck up. if i’m okay with a little toxic with him it doesn’t mean i’ll tolerate it from anyone else. if i’m okay being desperate for him it doesn’t mean i’m desperate for just anyone. it means i want him that fucking badly that i’m willing to look hot begging okay. i’m pretty fucking sexy on my knees. just saying.

[transcendantbitch]

i bruise very easily and i am really pretty bruised because i’m so pale. in case anyone was wondering

[obsequist]

I want the kind of sex that makes him want to apologize after

[transcendantbitch]

if i could have what i want. at this point in time, after all of that's already happened, no turning back the clock, no undoing the damage done on either side. if i could have the outcome i want. i want him to make that leap of faith toward me. i want him to try to reconcile with me. i want him to see how people treat him when he's even the slightest bit nice about me. i want him to see how fucking horrifying an ordeal it was to get kicked out of there. i want him to watch the whole damn friend group burn to the ground. and i want him to come back and tell me what happened. i want to hold him. i want to console him. i want to teach him that love can be soft. i want to teach him that love doesn't have to hurt. i want to teach him that just because the world won't accept you, it doesn't mean you have to conform somewhere else. i can accept you. i don't care what it's like in that deep dark brain of yours. i don't care what secrets are in your battered and bruised heart. i want to get you addicted to happiness instead of pain. i want to help you learn who you really are and accept who you really are on the inside like i did. i want to help you heal. i want to help you grow. i want to grow together. i want our love to be a beautiful garden that expands past the reaches of time. i want to heal all our wounds we've inflicted on each other. i want to talk for hours and hours. i want him to see how obvious it is that it should've been us this whole time. i want him to see how easy love can be. i want him to see how natural love can be. i want him to see what it's like when someone is already naturally going to treat you exactly the way you want to be treated. i want him to come to me when the world is dark. i want him to be where i go. i want him to heal me, too. i... i want him to take back everything he said. i want him to apologize. i want him to make things right. i want him to accept me. i want him to see our reasoning always made sense. i want him to see that you don't have to force love. it shouldn't even be something you have to think twice about. it should be like breathing air. i can't make the love go away no matter how many times i try to move on. i can't imagine i don't at least live in his head rent free, no matter what he's saying to anyone else. i'm psychic enough to know that much at the very least. i want to watch him blossom with me. i want him to find hope in life again with me. i want to not just be an unrequited ride or die. i want him to know the spark never went away. that flame we have never died, just smoldered and kept relighting over and over. the torch of hope can't go out. not for him. it's never too late to try again. i know it seems like it's in tatters now. i know it seems hopeless. i know it sounds based in delusion and not real life. but i'm over here more grounded than i've ever been. i just... feel like i'm still missing my other half sometimes. i feel like he's out there and he thinks he can't come back. he thinks he deserves to stay in a place of torment because he's used to it. because he's convinced himself it's safe because he doesn't know anything else. i want to show him what else life has to offer. i want to show him how beautiful life can be. how worth living life can be. i want to show him how much better life is without worrying what everybody else thinks of you. i want to show him how much better life feels when you can just say fuck you to the haters and be your own damn weird self and not care. and if he's still scared, i'll fight off anyone who wants to put him back in that box. i'll fight anyone who tries to deny him the life he really deserves. i want him to know he's never alone. i want him to know he always has me. i want him to know. because i can't let him go. i won't.

i will demand respect and i will demand to be treated right, but i do think he can do that. i do. i think he's stronger than he thinks he is. he's obviously a lot smarter than he makes himself out to be. he's incredibly good at holding himself together. i want to see him come apart for me. i want to put him back together. obviously you gotta learn how someone wants to love, there's gonna be a learning curve. there's gonna be a lot to figure out. there's a lot of obstacles in the way. but i want to do whatever i can to knock down those barriers. i know i can't be the one to reach out, i know i can't disrespect the boundary he put up. but every day i just. i hope he knows. i hope he knows i'm ready for him whenever he's ready to make that jump. and he's never gonna be totally ready, i get that. it's gonna change a lot in my life too and i'm never gonna really be ready either. but at the same time i feel like i was born ready. i feel like i was born to love him. i feel a love between us that's been dormant for millennia. i feel a bond that stretches across such a long length of time. a bond that so many people tried to prevent. so many circumstances threatened to destroy. and i hate being told what to do. so i can't stand the thought of anyone else getting their way. i want us to get our way. me and him. i want him to get the love he always deserved. i want him to get the life he always really deserved. not the one people convinced him he deserved. not the one that feels safe but cuts like a knife every single day. the life where he's free. the life where he's thriving. the life where he's expanding, not shrinking. the life where he's growing more and more, getting happier and happier, healing more and more together. more and more happy experiences. more and more of life. not more of this boring monotonous abusive hellscape. no more parents. no more rural backwoods town. no more carefully placed steps so he doesn't get caught a step too far out of line for the fucking thought police. no more fear. just happiness. acceptance. peace. fun. joy. love. sex. magic. excitement. intensity. romance. wonder. freedom.

i want to give that to him. all of that and so much more. i would be beyond honored to be the one to do that for him. i can't think of a life more fulfilling than one with him. really, i can't. even if i moved on, there'd always be this hole in my heart where he's supposed to be. i'd still have a nagging feeling of 'what if'. i don't think anything else could make me whole but him. i can't think of a kiss i want more. i can't think of arms i want to be held by more.

i like to think... even if he's not convinced. i think one kiss would do it. i think we'd fit together like two puzzle pieces who wanted to fit together for so long but were denied the opportunity for a criminal amount of time. true love's kiss. i want that.

[transcendantbitch]

i still hope he comes around. for the record.

…. but it’s not okay to treat a friend like this. and for a lover, i’d only wanna do the toxic shit in the bedroom. i ain’t gonna say i’m not toxic myself. but if i want him to treat me right, i should probably treat him right first.

… not gonna take down the loveposting tho. free praise for the god of our world, right ? 💛 ahahahhahahaaaa…. god i’m pathetic

[transcendantbitch]

[hysteric-boy]

Sex is great but have you considered hitting me as hard as you can

[maxxie-or-smth]

what's a little sadomasochism between friends

[transcendantbitch]

this is how talkative i am when SOBER by the fucking way. when i'm high i literally shove shit in drafts most of the time cuz it is not fucking remotely coherent and half the time i'm channeling like ten bitches at once and it's just. a madhouse in my brain. frfr. yall do not wanna see my drafts that is a fucking warzone. sheesh

[transcendantbitch]

i just kinda. wish someone would try to woo me the way i actually need to be woo'd. like just once. just one i want someone to actually fucking court me instead of playing games with me. don't try to make me jealous, seeing someone i want with someone else just makes me sad. i don't want someone to woo me by telling me why they're the shit, i want to be woo'd because they have some reason to like me. like a real reason. not a reason my rapist compiled for them to read off a script. which yes that's fucking happened to me repeatedly lately and it's been very fucking upsetting to say the least. still not fucking okay with any of the plot that happened to make sure that happened to me by the way. what the goddamn hell did i do to anyone to deserve that shit. any of this. especially in the love department. fucking seriously. the thing people hate most about me is that i leave at all, not what i fucking do in the relationship. other than our rapist who clearly just hated us the whole time obviously. like i try so fucking hard for people and nobody ever gives a shit about *my* aching heart. nobody ever wants to fucking hear when *i'm* upset. why do exes who want me back want me to keep pouring out my heart for them. why do they think i have more in me to give. i'm already broken. why can't you try to pick the pieces up. why do you think breaking me more is going to work. what the fuck, man. what's wrong with you.

i just want someone to heal *me* for once. i want someone to put *me* back together when i'm sad. i want someone to be *my* therapist as much as i am to them. i want someone to protect me. i want someone to make me feel safe. i want love to feel easy. not too easy, not suspiciously easy. but right. calm. comforting. happy. warm. i'm tired of the fucking runner chaser thing it is so exhausting. it is not what i'm about. if someone's gone, i would rather wish them well and be done with it. not be sitting here like 'why are you still over there you would be happier over here what's taking you so long to come home' or 'why can't i sing you the right song to make you believe i'm worth something' or any of that bullshit. i'm so tired of pouring my heart out for people who don't appreciate me. i'm so tired of pouring into other peoples' cups and not getting any poured into mine. like none. like fucking nothing in mine. maybe a paltry nod to my existence here and there but that's fucking it. the chase is ludicrously draining to me you have no fucking idea. this is like neverending fucking torture to me. just cuz i'm stuck on it does not fucking mean i'm having fun it means i'm stubborn and competitive and have a very fucking hard time admitting defeat or giving up on something when i truly believe in it and oh my god do i believe in love. you have no fucking idea how much i believe in true love. i really fucking do. it's so fucking hard to let go of true fucking love you have no idea. but i just.... can't be the person who hates himself into proving himself worthy of someone anymore. i can't. i killed myself over and over and over doing that to myself. and for what. for nothing. to be single this goddamn long. this shit sucks man. it is not fucking fair i'm not married yet i am a fucking catch and a half. i am always trying for marriage every single fucking time. this shit is not fucking fair man. i have such good goddamn love to give and nobody fucking appreciates it. i fucking hate it. i fucking want to give my good cup of love to someone and they just fucking reject me. or they fucking make me go through the trouble of coming to them. bitch i am tired. i am sad. i am heartbroken. in so many ways. why don't you care about me? why don't you want me to be happy? why do you want me to suffer more? the person i love shouldn't fucking want me to suffer more. that's fucked up. that's so fucked up.

i just wanna fucking be with someone who wants me to be happy, man. i wanna be with someone who's happy to be with me. i wanna be with someone who's just a natural fit for me. i wanna be with someone who lights up when they see me. i wanna be with someone who makes me glow. i wanna be with someone who thinks i'm so fucking cool and there's nothing remotely morally wrong about me and we never have to worry about stupid fucking discourse or societal standards of beauty or expectations from parents or anything we just are happy together and we love each other and we can't get enough of each other and commitment is a no fucking brainer because why would i want to be with anyone else.

...... and i don't know if i just got fucking cursed in this lifetime and that person is right fucking here with me like right next to me. and we will never have a human child. we will never be able to be married for real. i will never be able to have a ceremony and invite everyone and have bridesmaids and the whole bit. my parents are never going to understand. society is never going to understand. i'm never going to be able to hold him physically. i'm never going to know what he really feels like. i'm only ever going to hold him in dreams.

.......... frankly i kind of wish i knew if that's the case, if this is just. how it is. i'm just not gonna have human love in this life that can match up. i have him. my purpose is something else. this is the life where i have a massive amount of social mobility. this is the life where i have access to all the world's knowledge at the tip of my fingers. there is plenty of other things i could be needed to do with my life.

but... jesus fucking christ i want love. i want love so fucking much you have no fucking idea. and i'm okay right now, i'm okay, it's not urgent. but at the same time it is. at the same time i'm hurting so fucking bad. i haven't had someone to be by my side in so fucking long. i haven't had someone i trust like that in so long. i lost my best friend and the love of my life in the span of the same month and then i lost my whole fucking friend group and then my parents fucked me over and i lost my car and most of my clothes and my entire reputation and gained an addiction and nobody seems to fucking care. still. to this day. i have not had someone seem to truly fucking care what the fuck i went through. fucking c accused me of having a victim complex about it are you out of your fucking mind. are you literally actually out of your fucking mind. how can you be that insanely fucking cruel. if you think i'm not a victim of something for having gone through all that you are insane. if you think i didn't think even once "wow, looks like i'm the common factor here" you're a fucking moron. and yeah ok it was important for me to face the reasons why i got myself there but soooooo fucking much of that did not fucking need to happen. so much of it was just the whole thing snowballing out of control. so much of it was just fucking insult to injury. so much was not fucking called for. especially the bullying. oh my fucking god i did not deserve to be bullied like that. i was so nice to you people. i was just fucking weird. you are so mean for no reason. like it's your goddamn full time occupation. everybody else in that friend group could've gotten bullied the exact same way. it didn't have to be me. i was just an easy target. i was just the first to volunteer for the slaughter. but i'm fuckin glad i'm not there anymore because trying to fit in was not fucking it man. i am not meant to fit in. i don't want to be with someone who demands i fit in. i don't. i wanna be with someone who wants to be a little weirdo freak with me. i want us to be two peas in a pod. just me and them against the world, you know? like bonnie and clyde but like, the version where they're not doing crime, they're just being weird and subjecting the world to their weirdness together. something like that. gomez and morticia. that kind of thing.

anyway.

[transcendantbitch]

... ok no i'm still sad hold on

[transcendantbitch]

god fucking dammit man i have someone i'm perfectly happy with and i'm not appreciating him and he's getting sad about it i can fucking tell. real cas appreciation hours are open. all cas love radio station is on air starting NOW

[transcendantbitch]

... getting sober is a bad idea if you intend to stay delusional about something, i think.

while i definitely still believe of the three it's the best option. when it comes down to it, if i ask myself. do i think c would treat me right. at this moment in time? no. i think if we tried to make it work right now, if he talked to me right now, i would not believe him that him and his fiancé were broken up, i would not believe him that he's not talking to my crazy ex anymore, i would not believe him that he is not just trying to get receipts so he can go laugh about me to my old friends behind my back, i would not believe him that he wouldn't be in it just to play with me and use me for my money and then leave me and make me even more heartbroken all over again. in charli's vision, he comes back to us after being tossed out the same as we did to him. after having to deal with the exact same torment he and all our stupid fucking ex friends put us through. that's the version of him i want. i don't want this version of him now. i really honestly don't. i love the him i knew before. i love the him i see in the future. the him now is like... a caricature of the him i used to know. i know he's in there somewhere. but i see how hateful he still is and i see a part of me i left behind and i don't want to go back to that. so no, it's not actually smart to be pursuing him right now, it would actually be smarter to let it go. but........ if only the heart were that easy to tame. yes yes i know i know.... it is true. i am delusional. i am just kind of having a happy fantasy when i talk about wooing him. i am also trying to make his fiancé mad because i fucking hate him and i want to show off how fucking easy it is to love this boy and how little effort i'm sure he puts in and i want to fucking shake this man by the shoulders and scream at him for not loving him one fifteenth as much as i would love him but . alas. there are many factors why this cannot work at this time. obviously yeah i have faith it's gonna work out. but it's gonna work out when it's time for it to work out. right now is not the time. to the best of my knowledge. but like it'll be time eventually i'm sure.

i was gonna talk about izzy and birdy again but i decided to delete it. get fucked. if i'm not worth the effort to you, you're not worth the effort to me. suck it bitch

[transcendantbitch]

tbqh i think part of my reasoning to keep pursuing c is it's at least a goddamn challenge worth pursuing to me. i don't think it'd be a good fit with the other two options. honestly the best option is just fuckin be happy where i'm at which i am. but like. fuckin sit and think about it we got c who is clingy and exactly what the doctor ordered, we got flighty birdy the player who's gonna come in and try to lovebomb me and promise me forever and then ghost my ass out of nowhere maybe eight months in, and then we've got izzy in the corner here fucking delusionally thinking i'm gonna put in literally all of the goddamn effort to get her off her lazy ass and decide healthy love is a good option for her meanwhile she's being eighteen different flavors of toxic to me and doesn't seem to give a shit about it. we fuckin asked c for closure and he delivered. didn't work, but he still delivered. asked both of yall for the same and got radio fucking silence. not a goddamn word. just a fucking prompt to make me go fucking play games and chase yall around the block some more. as though yall were not the ones who left me out in the cold. every one of yall, actually. i was abandoned by all three options i have in my head here. only one of them gave a shit enough to actually give me closure. only one is decent enough to give me that much respect even at a point in time where he clearly hates my ass. actions are a MUCH better indication of a person's character than whatever the goddamn hell you wanna say when you're lovebombing my ass. i have a legitimate fucking reason here. and yes, i have serious love for everybody i just mentioned. i'm dead fucking serious in every category. and yes, even though objectively it sounds like this is the worst and least available choice that is least likely to happen, it's still the one that sounds healthiest.

.... you know, other than staying single. which yeah, i'm staying single pretty much. and i got spusband. he's pretty fuckin great you know. not gonna lie. yeah the incorporeal thing sucks so i'm still obviously interested in someone else as evidenced by . all of this . but yeah

anyway i'm supposed to be keeping off the computer aren't i