an apology
posting this here on my old blog, so in case any nostalgia hits, people will see.
i’m sorry. i haven’t been a good friend the past few years.
to nexus, i’m sorry for the way i treated you. i let myself think i was doing so much better than my past, but i was still reinforcing a big thing i’d learned from my childhood, and that’s the lack of communication. i was raised in an environment where there was absolutely no communication and people just tried to ignore all issues or make excuses until it was forgotten about. and i let that continue, and i’m sorry. none of you deserved that, and you jack especially also didn’t deserve my complete lack of knowledge of relationships either. thank you for all the time you gave me, and thank you to jack for all the love they gave me. and i’m sorry i couldn’t reciprocate it properly.
to rio, i have a lot of the same sentiments. you were my friend for longer, and therefore i think saw me at my absolute worst moments for even longer. i’m sorry. i survived by ignoring promises and making excuses, and that wasn’t fair to you. i’ve also not treated my system well because of my other problems and that was incredibly toxic and destroyed relationships. and i’m so sorry.
there genuinely isn’t a day that goes by where i don’t remember how i’ve behaved and regret it. i think about it every day. i’m working really hard now in therapy and making sure i stay on my meds now. things in our system are still rocky because of how i behaved, and i know they will be for a while, but i’m also working really hard with members of my system so we can communicate better and work together again.
none of the things i let happen were okay, and i coped with guilt over these things by ignoring what happened, and it isn’t healthy. i’m sorry i let things happen this way. thank you for spending as much time with me as you did.
