reliving the cursed memoryā
my fingers fly across the keyboard, desperate enough to search the internet
for an explanation that could somehow tell me
to keep someone faithful.
my vision blurs until every sentence begins dissolving into the next,
but i keep reading anyway,
because maybe if i understand it,
she tells me what sheās done.
my breathing catches somewhere in my throat.
i press a hand against my chest
from learning another way to break.
like sheās reading a grocery list.
like sheās talking about the weather.
isnāt peeling another layer off of me.
iāll never know their faces.
but somehow they still managed
to move into every relationship
iāve ever had after her.
they buried it beneath my ribs,
quiet enough to mistake for healing.
every apology watered it.
taught it exactly how to grow.
now its roots wrap around my lungs,
through the same question.
trust flickers back to life
like an old fluorescent light,
never staying bright long enough
the room is actually safe.
maybe this one is different.
i roll my eyes at couples holding hands.
āwhen you know, you know.ā
their words used to feel warm.
like corrupted recordings,
sounds exactly like the lie before it.
now every silence becomes evidence.
another witness statement.
i investigate the people i love
cross-examining kindness.
holding every āi love youā
my mind doesnāt imagine anymore.
stitched into their heartbeat.
i watch them fall in love.
i watch them stop loving me.
i watch my phone stay dark.
who hasnāt even gone yet
anxiety hijacks the screen.
it rewinds every betrayal
until the memories wear grooves
āit wasnāt your fault.ā
āyou deserve better.ā
they all blur together now.
like theyāre heartbeats.
the screen remembers my fingerprint
my brain fills every blank
i hate what they did to me.
i hate that i canāt just
i hate that every āgood morningā
i hate that every āi love youā
already sounds like a goodbye.
someone takes a little too long
my heart starts mourning them
before theyāre even gone.
tired of preparing myself
iām tired of my own brain.
iām tired of apologizing
iām tired of pretending
iām trying to believe you.
iām trying to trust you.
iām trying not to overthink
iām trying not to picture you
like youāve already left?
why canāt i just be loved?
why canāt someone choose me
like iām one conversation away
i donāt want another lesson.
i donāt want another apology.
i donāt want another person
āiād never do that to you.ā
i donāt want to keep surviving this.
i donāt want to keep proving
i donāt want to be strong anymore.
when theyāll stop loving me.
someone reaches for my heart,
every āwe need to talk.ā
they handed me the blueprint.
vaporwave
2087
stormborns
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
