Transforming Intuition

breaking the cycle of emotional abuse

[raiindown]

Me: *talks about wanting to die and being done with life*

Friends: mood lol

Me: *commits suicide*

Friends: we never saw that coming

[transformingintuition]

People don't truly care. It's all just damage control.

[princessfin]

[transformingintuition]

I will never be safe

I can't make the thoughts stop. The reminders of how my own family always hated me. I was born worth less and everywhere I go I am gas lighted and it's driving me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me but everywhere I go in targeted and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of God and Jesus and fear he is encouraging my family and every person I come across to harm me. When I try to fight back I am overpowered. I'm terrified. All I deserve in this life is to be abused and there is no safety. My own parents are ordained Christians. My brother and sister serve the Lord too. Now I'm afraid that if the bible is real Jesus is actually going to come back and overlook me. I won't be good enough for him either. But if I kill myself he also won't care and will deny me just like my abusive assholes of a family!

I did the world a favor by breaking the cycle by choosing not to procreate. Don't you get it, world? You keep mindlessly procreating thus spreading the cycle of mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse, neglect and toxic families. Evil keeps spreading because no one is healing their trauma before having replicas of themselves

Bullies and abusers start in the family. Then the toxic habits continue out of fear and parents start forcing God and punishment to rear their children furthering the damage in the world. Why would God want my worthless self if my own family who worships him doesn't even want me. I don't belong anywhere. Where am I supposed to go? If hell is real I will be tortured there even more. I can't find peace in death or life. If it's true that we will all see Jesus is he going to torture me too? I'm worthless no matter what. I wish I were never born. I don't deserve love. I wish I knew why so I could fix myself. Am I just inherently worthless like Judas? I am not safe and I never will be. WHAT DID I DO WRONG! WHY AM I WORTHLESS!

[transformingintuition]

Bad things happened to me

There is no way my life is precious

There is no way I have any worth

I'm a bad person

Why would God care

He didn't care when it happened

If God really is going to come back

What good will that do

Damage control is way too late

Didn't the bible say that he will allow these things to happen to us to test our loyalty to him

What a sick thing

I know someone who is a devout christian

She was raped when she was a teenager

She still believes in him

Why don't Christians get mad at God?

Why doesn't anyone think it is sick that God allows abuse for his own sake

I'm scared

I hate myself

How is God love

Love allows abuse?

I'm not even safe with God

We're all worthless

There is no such thing as precious life

I am disgusting

If God does come back

I bet he won't even care about me

He will probably hurt me too

[transformingintuition]

So what

So what if I don't want to be social

So what if what makes me at peace is not having to interact.

The pressure to go with the flow is the reason I'm about to lose my shit. Having to suffocate who I am is hurting me so much. Having to watch what I say or do because everyone gangs up against me is what makes me feel worthless.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU WORLD!

I hate all of you motherfuckers. I am not safe in this world. I am beyond exhausted. Beyond fatigued but no one gives a shit. I'm so terrified that I'm going to maniacly scream out of rage and be beaten and killed and put down instead of finally being heard and given the benefit of the doubt.

😔😣😐😶😯😫😔😢😓😦😠😡😈🙍🏾‍♀️🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽💔💔💔💔💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣🔪🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🗡🔫⚰⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫❗❗❗❗❗❗🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🆘️🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴🏴

[transformingintuition]

If only

If only I were never conceived, created

If only

I would never have to fear death

Someone in my life is dying

Again

Lives are being shattered again

I'm afraid

I think that's why I never attempt my plan

Plan or not

I'm terrified

Of life and death

You're fucking lying if death doesn't scare you

But then again it could be a blessing once it's finally done.

If only I were never conceived

Then I wouldn't be in so much turmoil

[tejuina]

taking note of how quickly men calm down after you bend to their will is life-changing because you realize they were never really out of control, they were never really as angry and affected as they appeared. they just knew how to act out aggresssively enough to make you believe it was your fault that they lost their senses.

in 2019 we start recognizing men’s manipulation tactics and start living for ourselves!

[transformingintuition]

Yes! I'm celebrating one year single because I realized all I ever dated were manipulative men. I hope they heal for the better. I was never loved. I was an object they wanted to control. Meanwhile, i am getting help to heal and become healthy enough to pay attention to behavior and not be so easy to obtain.

[danger]

[transformingintuition]

[transformingintuition]

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for bothering you. I will just use this as my therapy so that I don't bother you anymore

I'm sorry that I have feelings

I'm sorry that your abuse has ruined me

I'm sorry for not being loveable

I'm sorry for being black

I'm sorry for being ugly.

I'm sorry for being beautiful

I'm sorry for my good heart

I'm sorry for things I'm not aware I should even be sorry for

I'm sorry I don't like jokes or sarcasm

I'm sorry I'm not good at counting back change

I'm sorry I'm stupid

I'm sorry people tried to kidnap me. Twice.

I'm sorry if I was ever sexually abused but don't know for sure

I'm sorry I'm so defective

I'm sorry for my emotional distress

I'm sorry I'm not black enough

I'm sorry for my fast metabolism

I'm sorry for wanting to be loved

I'm sorry for being a target

I'm sorry for being conceived

I'm sorry for the horrible labor you went through.

I'm sorry for everything that was never my fault

I'm sorry for being the scapegoat

I'm sorry for everything that is wrong with me

[transformingintuition]

It's okay to overlook [her]. Right or wrong this is how she was conditioned as a child. She is used to it regardless of how much it hurts her. They conditioned her to be worthless and the whole world, anyone she encounters, can capitalize on her at her expense. So what if this hurts her. It's all about [OUR] benefit. So what if she kills herself. It's not our fault. We didn't do anything wrong. Nothing will happen to us. It's her fault she killed herself. It's her fault for being hurt. She's the one who couldn't hack it.

[transformingintuition]

I'm supposed to be seen and not heard. Therefore I do not matter. I am always invalid. I am invisible and insignificant. It's not my fault I was unwanted but it is my responsibility to accept that I will never be good enough.

[transformingintuition]

I remember

An early trauma incident. My memory fails to remember the age I was. I guesstimate I was between the ages of 4 and 7. I remember me, my mother, father, brother and sister watching TV in the living room. I remember my mother either pausing or stopping the show we were watching because of an adult scene. I remember being told to go to my room while everyone else watched TV together. This is an early experience with being excluded and feeling lonely. I remember wishing I was laughing and bonding with them. I remember spending a lot of time by myself and sleeping to pass the time.

[transformingintuition]

Only narcissists

Only narcs and assholes tell you not to share your pain on social media. They know the truth will be released much faster that way. They are afraid of the pain they cause coming back to haunt them. They know their victims are innocent and they are afraid of their punishment. So they get the majority on their side as a preemptive strike. Keep spreading the truth!

[transformingintuition]

I'm not okay

But every one else is.

[transformingintuition]

Maybe

If I become someone else completely

Change my name, kill off this identity

Become a totally different idea

Move far away

Identify as someone, something else

I just don't fit. So maybe I am an accident and I'm only entitled to suffering and fake love. How is it that every one harms me and denies my resistance. Disrespects my boundaries. I must not matter. This is no way to live.

[transformingintuition]

Am I alone?

It feels like I am.

It feels like I will never be safe

I practice positive re-programming and it feels like a lie. If I were loveable why is it that not only my family disregards me but church leaders, youth pastors, counselors, friends, romantic partners and perfect strangers feel the need to attack my confidence. If my own family resents me how can I trust that God even remotely cares about me?

I'm very scared that I just don't and won't ever matter and I don't deserve to understand why. I'm alone. I don't think I have the power to fix myself so that I am good. Being abused makes me a bad person and there is nothing I can do about that. I am what I am and there is no way of changing that. I deserve to hurt.