I am transfem and i was wondering if anyone else fears losing them self due to emotional changes on HRT. Especially people reporting their sexuality changing because being a lesbian is idk like an anchor for me? it like the one thing i am sure of. Never seen any one else talking about like serious fears around it other than like 3 reddit posts from years back.
One of the reasons people often struggle with questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation is because they have a certain mental self-conception of who they are and it can be difficult to shift that view. If you've always thought that you were an X, and maybe you've even found community and solidarity in being an X, it can be hard to suddenly realize that maybe you're actually a Y.
In my personal experience, as someone who did actually identify as a lesbian for a number of years, I did have a similar experience as what you're describing. I was completely unaware of the LGBTQ+ community in elementary school and I didn't even know that lesbians existed until middle school.
I know there's a lot of 'discourse' on the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, but that term kind of describes what I experienced as someone who had grown up just assuming I was straight because it didn't occur to me that there were any other options.
After I realized that being gay was A Thing That Is Possible, I still thought of it as something that other people did. I had a lot of internalized homophobia because I learned about being gay from peers who made jokes about hoping there were no lesbians in the locker room. I hadn't met any other LGBTQ+ person at all in real life who had come out to me.
This was genuinely not that long ago, but it was still a particular moment of time when middle schoolers often said "That's so gay" as an insult, we debated about whether same-sex marriage should be legalized in classes and explicitly homophobic statements were normalized, and casually throwing around the f-slur was much more common than it is now (although it still happens, those saying it tend to know that they're being offensive and say it to purposefully be edgy and offend).
So two big things had to combine for me to figure out my sexual orientation-- 1) I had started to go though puberty & experience sexual attraction for the first time, so that was a big component, and 2) I had also learned that a label for what I was experiencing existed.
When both of those criteria were met, it still took a while to put two and two together and figure out that maybe I was attracted to women and then even longer to actually admit it to myself that I was a lesbian and actually accept myself and let go of the shame/internalized homophobia.
I was the first person to come out publicly in my grade at school which wasn't always easy, but being an advocate and activist was a big part of my journey because standing up for my community helped me to grow into a "loud and proud" embrace of my own identity.
Being a lesbian was a really big part of who I was, and the lesbian community was a lifeline for me when I felt alone and needed to have a community and connection to others and see that there was hope for the kind of future I wanted to have.
That meant it was really difficult for me to start the journey of self-exploration and questioning again. I knew who I was! I had fought for it! Everyone else knew too! How could I reconsider, after all that energy and time I put into insisting I was a lesbian? What would happen to my place in the community?
When I came out as non-binary, I kept identifying as a lesbian for a while because I didn't want to let go of an identifier that was so meaningful to me, or a community that had formed part of my sense of self and my cultural references. Long-time followers might remember that I introduced myself as a genderqueer lesbian in my first post on this blog!
But eventually, I decided that I no longer felt comfortable self-identifying as a lesbian because it felt like I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't mine anymore. I couldn't reconcile strenuously rejecting being categorized as female in any way while also claiming a spot in the lesbian community.
I'm not passing judgement on anyone else's decision to identify as a non-binary lesbian-- everyone's gender/identity/experiences are different-- but personally, I felt that my sexual orientation label was in conflict with my newly found gender identity categorization as a transmasculine person.
Being a lesbian just didn't feel comfortable for me anymore, it didn't feel like my home anymore. And that hurt! It was my decision to change the labels I used, and I still feel that it was and is the right choice for me, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel like you're giving up a part of who you are.
So I get it, because I've been there. I understand why you might be afraid of something that might cause you to lose that piece of your identity and your community. But even if it happens, I promise you'll be fine in the end. I came through to the other end and I'm doing better than ever because I'm happy with my body and who I am.
What you gain through hormonal transition is often worth the discomfort/stress/etc of questioning gender/sexuality labels again-- if medically transitioning is the right path for you. While I am biased because of my own experience, I am also the first to admit that medical transitioning isn't right for everyone and that's okay and valid.
I was pretty depressed pre-medical transition and knew that medical transition was something that I needed to do, although I didn't always know exactly what transition options I wanted as my goals shifted over the course of my transition. But for me, seeking medical transitioning wasn't a choice, it was a necessity for my mental health.
If you feel similarly, and know that medically transitioning is going to improve your quality of life, then it is probably the right path for you, even if it means giving up a fragment of your identity and losing a community you used to belong to because you will (hopefully) be gaining peace of mind and an ability to live your daily life without feeling crushed by gender dysphoria.
Ultimately, you have to decide what is most important to you-- taking hormones and getting to have a body that you're comfortable with and exist in for the rest of your life, or trying to freeze your sexual orientation in place because you're afraid of change (which can be valid-- as I explained, I also felt like the decision to let go of the lesbian community was really tough and it can be a real loss!).
However, it's important to remember that changes in sexual orientation on HRT aren't guaranteed or universally experienced. Sexuality can be fluid for some people and changes (if they occur) may be more about discovering new aspects of oneself rather than losing existing traits. For others, HRT brings a greater alignment between their emotional state and physical body, which can clarify feelings that were always present but perhaps obscured.
I've seen people immediately try to smack down the idea that taking hormones can change someone's sexual orientation, and that's also not right-- I believe that is invalidating to those who do feel that their sexual orientation changed after hormones. It's good to remember that while hormones can influence feelings or attractions, they don't redefine your core identity. You are still the same person, even as some aspects of your experience might shift.
There are many reasons why someone might change their label after starting hormones. Some people may have had certain attractions they didn't feel comfortable acknowledging or expressing until they felt comfortable in their body and life and gender roles etc, but after they started hormones and grew comfortable with themself, they also became comfortable with the idea that maybe they had certain attractions that they didn't recognize before.
For example, I once spoke to a trans man who didn't feel attracted to women before hormones because he felt so dysphoric comparing his body to theirs that it overwhelmed all his other feelings on them until after he started T and became comfortable with his own body. It felt like he had a sudden change in his sexual orientation because all of a sudden he became attracted to features on women that formerly had only had triggered his own dysphoria. That's just one example-- there are, as you seem to have seen online, multiple folks who have shared their experiences about how hormones have affected their sexuality and sexual orientation.
The article Research Shows Many Trans Folks' Sexual Attractions Change After Transition is a great read if you're looking for more information about folks who feel that taking hormones changed their sexual orientation.
But as I mentioned, taking hormones won't necessarily change your sexual orientation. I wasn't attracted to men before I started testosterone, and now that I'm on testosterone... I'm still not attracted to men! Testosterone did not change my sexual orientation one bit.
While there are definitely folks who report feeling that their sexual orientation shifts after starting hormones, there are also many people (like me) who have a pretty consistent orientation over the years.
It's totally valid and normal to experience anxiety/fear/concern about major changes to your life, and you aren't 'wrong' for worrying about how hormones might change your life and identity. Holding onto your identity as a lesbian can be a significant and empowering anchor.
Your feelings are always valid, but if these fears about losing yourself become overwhelming, it can help to speak with a mental health professional like a therapist who can help you work through them and help guide you to weigh your options.
I don't really have a ton of advice other than to say that I've been there too. Although we obviously don't have exactly the same journey, I shared my experiences because I feel like a lot of us go though similar things, even if it's not exactly the same, and it can be useful to connect with other folks who have navigated the experience of choosing a transition path that has the potential to lead to a change in the label they use for their sexual orientation.
I would recommend thinking about what changes you hope to get from being on estrogen. It can be really helpful to consider what you would like to look like in 5 years or 10 years, and what you hope transitioning medically will do for your mental health and your life. You can make a list of the physical changes (e.g. increase in breast growth) and emotional changes (e.g. reduction in gender dysphoria) that you hope to undergo after starting hormones.
In your message to us, you only listed your fears-- you didn't note any of the reasons that you're interested in hormones at all. When you're exclusively focusing on the potential negatives (losing part of your identity/community) you aren't considering the potential positives which may be significant. Take some time to reflect on your feelings about your gender and body, not just your sexual orientation label.
In your case, you have one hypothetical negative to starting estrogen (potentially becoming attracted to men) which isn't a guaranteed outcome. Does that risk outweigh the other changes that you will experience on hormones?
Thinking about what you can do to bring your current-you closer to your ideal future-you might help you to make a decision today, if that makes sense. You will often have to make decisions in life that have trade-offs. You rarely face options that make you choose between something that is 100% perfect and something that is 100% awful. Usually things are more shades of grey.
When all's said and done, I'd like you to remember that you're not alone-- Many folks in the trans community have also dealt with changing their sexual orientation labels at some point or another during their transition so there is community out there for you to lean on, and seeing a therapist can also help you talk through your options regarding starting hormones.
I'm confident that you'll find the right path for your needs and identity-- and there's no rush! Everyone has a different journey.
Followers, feel free to add on!
