Transman Confessions

is a safe space for NBs & transmen to express ourselves freely and seek crowdsourced advice. ☕️

[transmanconfessions]

Quitting Twitter

For those of you who have been following us on Twitter - thank you 🙏

Sadly, the bird site is no longer a safe space for people like us.

We are officially moving away from Twitter. We are no longer monitoring the replies and DMs there.

Follow us on Mastodon https://tech.lgbt/@transmanconfessions

[transmanconfessions]

cw: suicide ideation

I'm not going to at all. I've already reached out to friends. But I've written a suicide note. I don't know where/who else to tell. People know I'm not well. It's okay. I won't do it. I genuinely won't. I know this is shitty. I just kinda want the acknowledgement of how not okay I am ya know?

[transmanconfessions]

I’m single and I’ve recently gotten hit on by a cis gay guy and a transmasc queer person, which is nice and flattering…except I’m actually into women (and mostly rather femme women at that). but I don’t get hit on by women, and on dating apps have been rejected by two different women when they learned I’m trans. I’m just frustrated because it feels like after transitioning, I’m no longer attractive to women. I’m too male for the lesbian dating pool I used to be in but too queer and short and not macho enough for straight dating. And while some trans guys I know started dating men after they transitioned, I just don’t get interested in guys like that. It feels like a shallow thing to complain about, especially when otherwise I’m very lucky and happy about being trans. but I’m lonely and I just want to flirt with a pretty girl who’s into me :(

[transmanconfessions]

so many of the guys in support groups i'm in have gotten T over the years and are making progress in their medical transitions meanwhile i'm still stuck. i want to be happy for them but i feel envy in my bones. it's selfish but it's hard to hear their good news while i'm still miserable. i feel like my life is on hold like i can't grow up until i start hormones. i don't know when i'll ever be in a position to medically transition and it hurts so fucking bad. i hate wasting so much of my life in this body that isn't mine.

if anyone reading this is in the same position: i love you, you are not alone. i hope we weather the storm. i hope there's light at the end of the tunnel for us.

[transmanconfessions]

cw: sex

dating a cis man as a transmasc nb is so so hard sometimes. especially when it comes to sex and how he views my body. sometimes i wonder if he thinks i'm as gross as i think i am

[transmanconfessions]

It’s been 7 years since I told everyone I am not a trans man and that it was probably just a phase for me.. but i still think about it almost daily and can’t seem to truly be ok with it. I wonder if I would’ve been happier if I had stayed with my identity and started hormones…and I wonder if I’ll never know or one day I’ll turn my whole life 180 degrees and shock everyone and myself…and I’m scared of what that would look like and if it would even be worth it.

[transmanconfessions]

I'm frustrated about not being attracted to women. I'm gay, have always been gay, and have never felt any kind of attraction towards a woman - and I'm proud to be gay! But most of my friends are either bisexual or lesbians. As a guy with autism, I try to "solve" or figure out everything through a logical "factual" lens even when that isn't possible, and get very intensely frustrated if I can't "solve" something. I want to "solve" the logic behind attraction towards women, I want to understand what they feel and why, but I just can't: I find myself over and over again watching porn with women, reading romance with/about women, etc etc, and even if I hate it I just can't stop, I feel like I have to keep doing it to "figure it out". I think that frustration has boomerang'd and now I get very intensely frustrated and upset when I see a woman expressing sexuality or desire in any way. It's also developed into a strange ideology about how men should only date men, and women should only date women. I know it's bad, wrong, sexist, even -phobic of literally anyone who isn't a monosexual gay man; I know I should talk about it with someone, but I'm afraid I'll be misunderstood and ostracised: I don't want to tell my therapist because she's a woman and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable around me, and I don't want to tell my friends because it'd jeopardise our relationships.

I just feel sad and alone and like I can't heal this nasty part of my brain. I don't want people to agree with me (I hope nobody agrees with these things with their full chest), I just want help.

[transmanconfessions]

I’m not here to seek any advice or whatever but to just share my thoughts. I don’t think I can ever trust cis people, even cis people we have in the LGBT+ community. I find myself getting scared of interacting with them and I don’t know what to do.

[transmanconfessions]

It's our 9 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳 Thank you all for the support.

[transmanconfessions]

Bad Poetry "what if"

What if I am not fast enough, can't ever pass enough this dumb-ass game of gender stuff. 

What if I get caught, and left distraught, forced to be a breeder again, I hope not. 

What if I'll just always be Missed, just another girl on the list, only to be kicked and never kissed. 

All if these are what ifs, swarming in the mists, of my mind as I reminisce.  Should I just quit? Stuck with this what if? Wondering am I even worth it?

So tired of being scared. Screaming out to no one there. Wondering why would anyone care?

[transmanconfessions]

I am so goddamn tired of the community constantly trying to distance trans men from manhood. It's always the little things that I notice, when people just say women but always specify cis men, how people conflate trans men with nb transmascs but never do the same for trans women and nb transfems. If trans women were talked about in relation to cis women in the same way, it would be rightfully called out as transphobic. And the worst part is, I see so many trans men themselves do this.

[transmanconfessions]

Usually when I see trans men talk about attraction dysphoria (dysphoria when you are attracted to someone), they talk about how they're fine being attracted to men but dysphoric when attracted to women because their bodies remind them of their own. I am kind of the reverse. Being with a woman doesn't make me dysphoric as, no matter what, I will most likely always be more masculine than her, but compare me with a cis guy, all the feminine aspects of my body stand out like a sore thumb.

[transmanconfessions]

I feel awful whenever I am attracted to men because the way I express it always feels overly womanly in a way I hate. It makes me wish I was more attracted to women, and even then, I'm not even sure if I am attracted to women, or if I'm just attracted to the idea of me fucking a woman as a man

[transmanconfessions]

cw: genitalia mention

I'm in love with my cis straight best friend.

Have been for over 10 years. But he would never be gay not even for vagine.

[transmanconfessions]

@ the crush-on-teacher anon. transitioning and coming out is a time of a lot of self reflection and reevaluating your feelings. compound that with being a teenager, and you're likely to end up with "weird" attractions like that. i've been there, trust me, if you can wait it out a couple years your feelings will settle down and you'll be in a much more manageable place. i dont mean to minimize the problems you have now -- they are definitely hard to deal with, and the fact that some of these feelings are impermanent doesnt make them any easier in the present. but just know that once you leave school, so much is bound to change.

[transmanconfessions]

I envy cis men so much who are given everything i want so bad without trying

I wish to transition and am looking forward to it though it will be dificult. But part of me feels it is pointless because I will never be a cis man and have fully functional parts like i want. I missed out on so much of my youth being born in the wrong body. And theres the knowledge some people will never see me as a real man because im trans. Having to convince my parents of my identity is so stressful and they continue to misgender me and lact like i never told them. I envy cis men so much who are given everything i want so bad without trying. I think about giving up sometimes.

[transmanconfessions]

I have been out and about for almost 6 years now. Despite that I still sometimes ask myself what I'd be like if I was a cis woman. If my life would be better if I never transitioned. Idk just live one day as if I never transitioned, as if I still looked feminine. Not because I wanna stay that way but because I want to know if I might be happier like that.