I recently had a friend much younger than myself who boldly came out of the closet. They grew up, like myself, in a more “traditional” gender role setting, but have now come to terms with being binary. I can still remember her as a little girl, and even though I’m someone who is proud and understanding of their testimony, it’s difficult to see them as anything but the girl i’ve always known. That takes some time, but I know this will grow on me. I have the easy part. They’re the one who has wrestled for years with identity and the stress of coming forward with their truer identity.
Stories like this one make me happy. But they also make me sad–not for my friend, but for myself. When I see this special person being bold, outright, resolute, and proud, it makes me sad that I feel like I’m still trying to figure myself out. Granted, my friend is barely an adult, single, and basically already estranged from their family while I’m older, married with children, and have a secure career. Is it okay that I’m so slow figuring everything out?
The answer to that question, I believe, is a big fat “YES”. It’s okay. For one, my friend may change their mind a dozen times over the next three years. And even then, not have it all figured out. But secondly, there’s nothing that says that I have to be figured out right at this moment. There’s no timeline–well except for the inevitable death. There’s so much more to identity than making a firm at-this-moment statement. I don’t have to be out in the open as Candie.
Maybe, for me, it’s a never-ending wrestling match. Maybe I’m not as in tune with my girliness as I think I am. Maybe deep down inside, being a male is too woven into me. Maybe my girliness is more of an escape. There are so many questions, so many opportunities, so many ifs and or buts–though I do really wish I had a girlier one of those.
What I’m trying to say is that while there are some people who are ready, willing, and courageous to take certain steps, that doesn’t mean that everyone has to have it all figured out at this moment. We can share in their moment, congratulate them, comfort them, and help them. But for the rest of us? Maybe we need to experiment, play some, test the waters, measure the ups and downs, pros and cons, etc. etc.
If you haven’t figured out the fullest extent of your girliness, I want to tell you…”That’s okay.”
You’re all okay in my diary! Much love to you all!
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