void

vent/rant acc. mid-life crisis started way earlier

[monsterandgreentea-deactivated2]

I’ve been struggling with my ed for 10 years now and its completely screwed up my relationship with food

[lapiz-nomada]

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents will teach you to put impossible expectations on yourself, because they will raise you to believe you’re not a human being, but a concept.

Instead of expecting you to be a human child, which means, messy, demanding, fragile, in need of care and protecting, they will project some kind of idea of a child that fits no human child ever born anywhere. It’s not always the same image, but one part of it will almost always be for you to be perfect in some way. Your needs might or might not get fulfilled, if you accept to follow this concept of perfection, and you will end up tearing yourself apart trying to achieve it, to deserve for a single human need to be fulfilled. They exist to fulfill these needs for you in return for zero effort from you. All of the effort you put into giving your parents the fantasy they want, is extorted from you.

Most often a part of the fantasy will be the child who doesn’t show any needs; this child doesn’t cry, doesn’t mope, doesn’t ask, doesn’t complain. The child is not loud, demanding, messy nor creates any need for attention or care; instead, the child should wait patiently until they’re told what to do, and then do it perfectly, and not expect a reward. Some parents will expect you to preform perfectly in school, others will want you to fulfill their childhood dreams and will expect to live vicariously thru you, some will expect a live-in therapist, some will want a replacement for whoever they lost in life, some a toy to emotionally play with, some a servant, some will want you to adjust your life to whatever would uphold the family image, and some will expect you to perfect yourself only in activities that will give them attention (they’ll want a child star to take around to competitions).

All of these are buckwild and not to be expected out of any kid. You’re not there in order for your parents to be able to play out a fantasy, or to achieve a ‘dream parent’ life. You’re a kid who is grown up to be hella confused about what their role in the world is, or if you even have any outside of whatever your parents want out of you.

But maybe you’re already a bit grown up, and able to make your own goals, and you’re now the one putting expectations on yourself. You don’t know what normal human expectations look like, because all of your life, you weren’t allowed to be human, you were forced to be a concept. And the expectations you put on yourself, will inevitably follow a concept that isn’t based in reality.

You now tell yourself, I will do perfect at school. I will look perfect, behave perfect, I will be perfect at my friendships, at my relationship, at my job, at my hobbies, at every course or seminar, I will do everything amazingly on my first try, otherwise, I’m a horrid failure and an undesirable burden, and I don’t deserve any of my human needs met. That’s exactly how you’ve been taught to function, exactly what your entire childhood was like. How would you know it’s not human or normal expectation of yourself? How would you know you’re setting yourself up, because what was always expected of you was impossible? You can’t know. You can’t know your parents set you up to burn out and to tear yourself apart in order to survive your childhood. You can’t know you’ve been forced to live a life of thankless labour and pain and misery and missed out on everything other human beings get for granted. It hurts to know that your parents erased your humanity only for a fantasy of parenthood. It hurts to know nobody raised you to be a human.

It’s okay to be perfect at nothing. It’s okay to quit perfection altogether. You don’t need to deserve anything. You deserve a lifetime of being easy on yourself, resting, and learning what is normal to expect from you, what is it that you can do without burning out or feeling strained. Because life is not about how far you can strain yourself, or how much you can achieve before you inevitably break down and spiral into self hatred. You’re not to be pushed past your breaking point in order to be forgiven for being human. You were a good human from the start. It was wrong to ever make you believe otherwise.

[furiousgoldfish]

Common experiences with abusive mom:

hyper fixates on your appearance, constantly makes you incredibly self-aware of how you look and what others are thinking of you

compares you to other people, to show you what you should be more like (or look more like), making you feel like you’re the only worthless person

tries to control and micromanage your appearance, threatens you with missing out this and that if you don’t look up to her standards

uses you as emotional and psychological support

tells you how you are the only one who understands and loves her, forcing you to bear the burden of living as her “support system”

constantly makes you feel guilty for everything that is happening to her, makes you feel as if you owe her to make the world a bearable place for her

shares traumatic stories from her past that you are too young to understand and react to, expects unconditional emotional support and therapy from you even when you are a child

if the dad is abusive too, accuses you of being “just like him” or tells you that you remind her of him when she lashes out on you

also if father or another person is abusing you, she stands on their side or just pretends not to see or notice it’s going on, later tells you it’s your fault

silences your opinions with “you don’t know anything”

shows exaggerated concern for you for purpose of controlling where you go and what you do, makes you feel obliged to avoid certain places or situations so “she wouldn’t worry” but it extends to stuff you would usually be able to do safely, like hanging out with friends or traveling or having a social life

forces you to center her well being and her happiness more than your own and if you do anything for your own good, you will be called out for not thinking of her first

doesn’t feel responsible for providing you with decent meals or wardrobe, doesn’t notice when you’re hungry or lacking in basic resources, but lashes out at you if anyone else notices for “embarrassing her”

or alternatively, is crazy controlling over when you’re allowed to eat, what you’re allowed to eat, and what resources you are allowed to have

pushes you into interests and activities she wants you to have, disregards and criticizes everything you do that she doesn’t like

her behavior towards you changes in public, she becomes must more concerned over how other people perceive her relationship to you, is generally nicer if other people are listening

feigns concern towards you in front of others, in private keeps telling you how you’ll never make anything out of yourself

tries very hard to keep you at home forever if possible, refuses to teach you basic life skills, denies you resources you need to learn how to make something on your own, convinces you that you are in fact, helpless and incapable of survival without her, insists that you be dependent on her

breaks into your privacy, demands sensitive information about your relationships, conversations and thoughts, everything you do not feel comfortable about telling her because you know she’ll use it against you

accuses you of being a failure as a child, for being “heartless” and not caring about her at all, reminds you of everything she’s been thru only to raise you, talks as if she sacrificed herself for you

has periods where she doesn’t seem to even notice you, then in other times is completely obsessed with you and wont let you out of her sight

acts aggressive at times but always with pretense that her violence doesn’t count because she’s not physically able to seriously injure you, disregards all psychological and mental wounds of being assaulted and hurt by your own mother

acts like you’re an extension of her and have no existence or life of your own, refuses to accept any individuality and tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming your own person

makes you feel too guilty to say no to her, uses every social convention to make you feel as if you’re using and discarding your poor mother when all you want is to create a single boundary

refuses to acknowledge any of your successes but brings up your failures as a proof that nothing will ever become of you

insists over and over again that all she does is out of concern and love

[furiousgoldfish]

Common experiences with abusive dad:

acts like you don’t exist until the second they want smth from you

pretends he’s your boss and gives you orders, treats you like factory worker

doesn’t know absolutely anything about you except what vulnerability to hit to trigger you into thinking you owe him obedience

demands you to be interested in his opinions and forces you to participate in activities he likes, never considers your interests

completely ignorant of you most of the time, then over-controlling, strict and ruthless when he wants something

disregards your personal space, enjoys poking and physically disturbing you, humiliates you in front of other people

is extremely strict on how you’re not allowed to embarrass him in front of other people, will treat you differently if others are present

clings to “traditional” values where children owe obedience in return for shelter, claims himself as the “provider” and expects endless gratitude

disregards your time and personal activities, expects you to be ready to receive orders from him at anytime

gets extremely angry and aggressive if called out, reaches for violence and terror if he’s not obeyed instantly

doesn’t hold back with yelling, shouting and heavy threats if his status is challenged

values his reputation more than entire family

values money and his personal pleasure more than family members

pretends to be the victim in absolutely any situation, if you as much as don’t idealize and adore him, you are hurting his poor feelings and you should know better that he actually cares deep inside about you even if it doesn’t show in any of his words or actions whatsoever

will patronize you, compete with you on how smart he is, gross you out, do childish pranks, act like a toddler and have zero emotional maturity

very blatantly prioritizes his social circle over you and will put much more energy and willpower into pleasing and impressing his “buddies” while you can go and raise yourself if you like

threatens to kick you out of “his” house as if he was renting you your place and not living together with his family members in a home meant for that

pretends your worth is nothing compared to his, works on lowering your confidence and will put you down especially when you are feeling a bit encouraged and happy with yourself

tries to control your opinions and makes you feel like you’re stupid for having independent thought that differs from his

shamelessly indulges in perverse, disgusting, dehumanizing and cruel behavior right in front of you

generates dumbest and most disgusting excuses for his behavior, however you are not allowed to put one step out of line or you’re deemed a waste of space and ungrateful brat

ready to explode with anger when confronted with even little truth about himself

[furiousgoldfish]

can’t we just. get a pause from being traumatized. like a month. just to see what life is like for all those people out there. I have no references. what do you people feel.

[furiousgoldfish]

okay who else feels wildly uncomfortable with idea of being comforted, because you already sorta accepted that you will not be comforted ever so you built a wall around yourself to keep all your feelings in and away from people, and in order for you to even receive comfort you’d have to become vulnerable first and show your actual pain but if you did that you would basically be on the mercy of another person and they could do anything to you, including brainwashing you, or taking advantage of your vulnerability to hurt you worse, and since that happened last time you were vulnerable you would pretty much rather die than risk it, but also if you did get comforted and it went well it would open up the awareness that you needed this comfort all your life and never got it and that would be PAINFUL, and also the comfort you get might be just one-time thing so then you’d have to live while being aware that it’s all you’ll ever get but now you crave it so bad and thats wow even more painful than things are now so you’d rather not even engage in this and keep to where’t safe, inside your personal walls built to keep you alive

[furiousgoldfish]

child’s brain in abusive childhood: this is unfortunate. it seems this is too much to expect this child to survive. so let’s just go right ahead and delete it all. you’re just a normal kid living normal life from now on. anything indicating otherwise will be a blank memory or seem like a dream or something forbidden to talk about. you will see things as if they are normal and cling to belief that you’re absolutely normal, non-traumatized kid. desire to be taken away from here and live in a different, gentler family will be minimized to daydreming. we will keep this up as long as possible. you will feel the reality of this only much later in adulthood and it’s not gonna be pretty.

[furiousgoldfish]

Complex trauma from abuse can cause chronic exhaustion, and chronic pain. This means the recovery, aside from being filled with guilt, shame and rage, will include long time spent in bed, feeling to exhausted and pained to move, or do anything.

This is happening because trauma is hard on the human body, and your body will spend all energy just trying to fight it, or repress it, or process it. The emotional pain of trauma being processed is enough to cause physical pain, chest pain, pain in all of your joints, headaches; your body will be so tense you can end up in chronic back pain and muscle pain just from all the tension and inability to relax. Your mind will be re-living the past and your body will react accordingly, getting terrified, shocked, tense, and finally showing all the damage you couldn’t feel when the abuse was happening. Even if you felt nothing while it was happening, there was no way to avoid this, your body can’t keep the trauma hidden inside of you forever.

One thing common for recovering victims is to feel intense shame for resting, for spending so much time in bed, feeling sick and worried about their future because they can’t get it together enough, or can’t get their tasks done due to pain and detachment from reality. You’ve all experienced being shamed for resting, being blamed for your own pain, and told you have no value if you’re not productive and hardworking. However, none of this applies to you right now. You need to rest. This rest is for survival. This is comparable to recovery from life-threatening injury, you cannot be expected to function or shamed for being lazy if your body is broken and barely hanging onto life. You are surviving, and you need rehabilitation and care, not feelings of inadequacy or shame for still daring to be alive.

It’s alright for you to exist just to rest only. In rare moments you do manage to get up, it’s okay to just do soothing non-productive stuff. There is no limit to how much care you need right now and you are obliged to give that to yourself. If the chronic exhaustion is caused by trauma, it will get better, not fast, not all at once, but slowly, during months and years, your body will let enough trauma out to allow you to use some of your energy for yourself. It’s vital you rest and let the trauma do its thing, and then eventually you will get your body back.

[furiousgoldfish]

Subtle signs of long-term psychological abuse:

Intrusive belief that you have to do everything perfectly and flawlessly or you are no good, deep drop in self-esteem upon making a smallest mistake or being criticized, feeling that your value is tied completely to how well you can finish tasks, perfectionism

Low self-esteem, feeling you’re less smart, less capable, less valuable or less lovable than the people around you; struggling to feel like you’re an equal part of something, worry that people don’t find your worth keeping around, always worrying about being left behind

Over-taking responsibility for everything, bending backwards to make things go well for everyone, feeling guilty and ashamed if something goes wrong that wasn’t in your control, always taking tasks other people wouldn’t do, doing anything to feel useful

Making excuses for other people when they hurt you, always being ready to ‘look at it from their side’ and assume they had a good reason to hurt you, or didn’t mean it, or didn’t realize they were doing it, or were ‘just lashing out’ and doing it because of their own pain – but you’d never make those excuses for yourself, or forgive yourself if you did that

Double standards for yourself and others, you feel it’s okay for others to be selfish, unreasonable, short-tempered, assholes, hurtful, impatient, self-centered, but it’s not okay for you to be any of that, judging yourself way more harshly than others

Constant fear of abandonment from your friends and loved ones, fear that you won’t be able to go on if you’re rejected and abandoned by them, over-pleasing them in fear they’ll leave

Feeling there’s something deeply wrong about you, always looking for a way to blame yourself for anything that went wrong, feeling cursed, impostor syndrome

Inclination to hide as much as possible about yourself, only showing an image to people you socialize with, fear that if anyone knew the ‘real you’ they would be repulsed and grossed out

Shame for feeling pain, shame for crying, feeling weak and despicable for being vulnerable and hurt, urge to hide and isolate whenever you’re in pain, feeling others would hate you for it

Constant pressure to prove yourself, never feeling like you’re 'good enough’, rarely or never feeling happy or proud of yourself, every day is a battle to show that you’re still worth something

Feeling you have to be always open to scrutiny and criticism, even if it comes from people who don’t know you and don’t wish you well

Arranging your life only to please others, acting a role of support or a servant in other people’s lives, feeling selfish if you try to think of what would be best for you

Worrying that every nice thing anyone has said about you was out of politeness, and every horrible thing someone said about you is secretly true; inability to hold a consistent self image that isn’t affected by everyone’s view of you, imagining that others are thinking the worst of you

Spiraling into feelings of not wanting to exist anymore, wishing you weren’t born, not being able to find anything good about yourself, seeing yourself as a stack of flaws and past mistakes

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents will be like ‘it’s you who are actually abusing me!’

Like you are telling me, that you, an adult, with your brain completely developed, with a place to live, and resources to survive on, have fallen victim to this great power imbalance between you and a child whose resources, finances, emotional and psychological needs, you have under your complete control, who is also physically smaller, weaker, less developed, inexperienced, completely dependent on you, and naive to tactics of manipulation just enough to believe you when you say it’s possible for this child to victimize you.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

For those who have overactive guilt complexes like me…

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusers and abusive caretakers put a lot of importance at how you’re allowed to perceive them. If you ever, rationally and based on your experience, assume bad intentions of them, they will get upset, and punish you for it. They will still proceed to act exactly as bad as you expected them to, the only point they’re making is that you’re not allowed to assume, not allowed to expect, and not allowed to trust your gut instincts about them. They’ll often go ahead and do exactly what you feared they would, just to blame it on your behaviour. They’ll insist that you control them, and that if you adjust your assumptions, everything will be better (it won’t).

Bad assumptions, based on evidence, experience or gut instint, become dangerous afterwards. You learn that your thoughts and assumptions can be taken as an offense, and be punished. You learn that you absolutely must expect and perceive only the kindest versions of people, to always assume innocence and naivety, or people will proceed to act their worst. You believe bad assumptions are a provocation, or even a violation of someone, and hope with all you have, that if you only ever assume kindness, then people will truly be kind. And if you do not, then whatever they do to you, is your fault.

This makes it very easy for predators to convince you of their ‘kind’ intentions, because you’re already conditioned not to doubt it. Even if you have doubts and fears, it becomes too scary to name them, and they’re easily shut down if you dare to say them. You lose your only defense from predators, trusting your gut instinct.

Because what abusers have been telling you is not true. You cannot control a person by predicting or perceiving the best of them. You are not responsible for their bad actions merely by expecting or assuming them. You do not owe good or kind assumptions to everyone. If you turn it the other way around, and someone assumes the worst of you, what do you do? Be your kindest self, to prove them wrong. Why do abusers be their worst self as a response to bad expectations? Because it’s exactly what they wanted to do in the first place. They weren’t controlled by expectations, they were playing the 'Oh everyone thinks I’m scum so I don’t have any other options but to act like scum’ bit, except, you’re the society, you’re not everyone, you do not control their circumstances, you’re a person they’ve hurt before, and yes, they absolutely do have other options, but they don’t want it. They want to control the narrative and gaslight you at the same time.

You don’t owe good assumptions to someone who is in the position of power over you, could hurt you, or has hurt you before. And regardless of what you assume, it could never control a person, they’ll always do exactly what they intended in the first place.

[teaboot]

currently enjoying the stage of recovery where I have enough self esteem to get pissed off

[teaboot]

Other sweet and sexy psych recovery milestones:

1. I can say the words "abuse", "trauma", and "flashback" out loud without feeling like a guilty liar

2. I'm angry and I don't feel bad about it

3. Accidentally discovered a personal boundary halfway through asserting it

4. I said something confident as a joke and someone agreed with me

5. Oh shit I *enjoy* things

6. I'm angry and it feels really really good

7. I genuinely think this person is a moron and I have no desire to rationalize their stupid choices

8. I'm a good person, actually

9. Just realized that the minor thing I thought I was upset about is actually a placeholder for the really old thing I'm *actually* upset about and suddenly the new thing isn't such a big deal

10. "Same trauma!" *fist bump*

11. Self-deprecation makes me uncomfortable, actually

12. Fuck it, I deserve nice shit I don't need

13. I fucked something up and I'm not a bad person, literally just moving on

14. Wild that I don't feel like apologizing

15. This thing that gave me a panic attack once is only uncomfortable now, fuckin righteous

16. I'm ugly in public cause I don't need to impress anyone and I literally do not care

17. Hey Bitches Who Wants To Hear An Opinion

18. Oh! People like me!! Wild!!!

[borderlineblitz]

get with the programme !!

[fllthie]

i hate that no matter how much reassurance anyone can give me, i will still lay in a pile of my own thoughts and wrap myself up in them like a poison laced blanket

[siickangel]

no one listens anyway // from my journal