Clouds in the head

And then I slammed the door behind me with passport in my hand. Stuffed and heavy backpack, weight my shoulders. I took a journey of 1095 days.

[traveldiar]

#MiddleOfNowehere #Lithuania #CountrySide

[traveldiar]

When I came to the new hostel, I was greeted by a very friendly receptionist. She took me immediately to my new room. Which was for me, and me alone. It felt a bit luxurious. It kind of was. I did have, kitchen, toilet and shower - FOR MYSELF! The room itself had a lot of space. I thought that I really deserved it.

A whole hostels decor was modern and cosy. It resembled some sort of hipster place. At least the wooden tables from pellets and other recycled material gave a hint of it. On another side of the building, there was an area for camping trailers, tents and several huts.

The front yard was the most charming place. It had several level sitting areas, it because, the place was down the hill. In between the sitting areas there ware hanging hammocks. Over the front yard, there were a thousand flashbulbs crisscrossing a whole place. In the background would play some Johnny Cash songs or other well known good old songs. I felt relaxed, and there was a lot of foreigners. Therefore, I didn't have to break my tongue trying to speak my own language and feel ashamed for not speaking properly.

Later that evening I went out to smoke. There were very few people. The crisscrossing lights were on. It looked so beautiful, I was mesmerized. I walked around looking at it. A few minutes later, after running up and down like a child. I was finally ready to go to my room. Suddenly, noticed a stranger sitting next to the entrance of the hostel.

(Stranger): - You really like those light? Huh?

(Me): - Well, yeah. They look cosy, and pretty cool too. This kind of decor I have seen only in Greece, in some small garden.

(Stranger): - I guess, they do look cosy.

(Me): - Are you local?

(Stranger): - No, I am from Sweden. You?

(Me): - Well, I am semi-local. I don't live here for the last 7 years. I landed from Denmark, last week.

(Stranger):- So, what are you doing here?

(Me): I am trying to apply for a visa to Japan. I will go there in August for a year. (Some people were passing across me and him, I was about to go in, it was a bit cold. For some unknown reason I decided to sit down). Probably, I should sit down. May I?

(Stranger):-Yes, sure.

At first, he seemed as average, boring guy, even he was swede. From my experience dealing with Nordic people, I always running out of what to say to them, very fast.

This time was not the case. We talked. A lot. It was about everything. It was about all kind of political topics, travels, his job. He did say, that he will look around Vilnius, and then will travel further. I had the same plan (to deliver papers to the embassy and go to Kaunas). That's, how I end up talking with him till almost midnight.

That night, I could not sleep until 6 am. It was cold, the bed was terrible, a noise outside. Somehow, I managed to wake up. at 10 am, I barely rolled out of my bed. Then I made the decision: "

Fuck it, I will stay one more night, but this time, I WILL SLEEP.

" So, I went to reception and paid for one more night. Then I took off to complete my mission: - TO GET MY VISA!A few hours later, I came back to my hostel with all the bags from the station in the hyped mood - "

I got my visa, my mission is done. Now I can go to sleep

!" because I almost fell asleep in public transport. I am about to enter the front door, and guess who do I see!? Same stranger, from yesterday...

I told him my success story about a visa. He was happy for me. After a few more minutes of chatting, I finally, moved inside to find out where I am staying, because it became inconvenient to stand with two backpacks. My shoulders were in pain. The hostel receptionist showed me the room. (

It was a room with 3 bunk beds, and several people already there, some from Greece, some from Lithuania, and god knows what...)

First things first, I NEED A SHOWER AND CLEAN CLOTHES! I started to unpack, and get ready for the shower, I really felt that I need it. I went to women shower, started to undress, suddenly I realized, that I don't know the door code to the room. (because all the rooms had their own door codes). Well, fuck it... I will ask to write down for me in Reception. After a hot shower I got dressed, I wrapped all my stuff into a towel and went down to get a door code. I had absolutely no intention of meeting this stranger, I just wanted to chill. I got the code and went back. The room was full of people. It felt crowded and uncomfortable. Well... Maybe I will wait a bit longer. So I took off to the common kitchen with some food I bought previously. I felt a bit hungry.Guess, who do I meet? That stranger again! He was as surprised as me.

(Stranger): -Are you stalking me?

(Me): - No, are you stalking me?

(Stranger): -Just hungry.

He was making some fancy salad, with nuts and ham. Then tried to boil some quail eggs. The view was amusing. I have never seen anyone trying to make quail eggs. I could not hold myself back but to tease him.

(Me): - Do you know what you are doing?

(Stranger): -Yeah, I am making eggs.

(Me): - Have you tried them before?

(Stranger): -Nop, but I want to try.

(Me): - Good luck with that!

So, we end up talking again. This time about nothing, just chartering. When he finished making his amusing food. I followed outside. It seemed as something appropriate thing to do. Since I had nothing better to do, the room I had to sleep in was filled with people.

We sat down, he offered some beer. (Even It has passed quite some years, I have not touched alcohol ). I accepted his offer "

why not, I did fail to buy actual beer last time due to, this new law, that alcohol is sold only until 8 pm.".

Conversations evolved naturally, with no force or too much force. There was no need to think, what to say, or what not to say. I did not care, really. I am on holiday, I didn't come here to make friends, I just talked.Meanwhile, I forgot about all my tiredness. It felt comfortable and comforting. The stranger was listening with great interest. He was chipping in, with his thoughts and his own experiences. It was simply so engaging, and free to talk. Maybe, also because I was a little drunk. (It does not take long to get me drunk).

Later, conversations became more interesting, more personal. We talked about our families, jobs, interest. He asked me, about my personal life.

(Stranger): -What about your personal life?

(Me): - What is personal?

(Stranger): -Like a boyfriend?

(Me): - I don't like drama. I don't have time for it.

I was not really honest with him. I haven't lied to him, but I didn't say that I have a boyfriend, for the last 5 years. I actually don't know why... Is not like I have something to hide.After the second beer, I came to realize, he is quite handsome. Maybe, because he is quite intelligent, or rather open for everything. I never valued physical appearance, it always looked so empty to me. I always was interested in what is happening in peoples minds.In that particular moment, I saw a lot of potential for more closer chemistry. I was even thinking to myself, If I would be in my early 20's I would sleep with him. I really had to hold myself back not enter the flirting game. Simply, my mature and logical brain cells told me not to complicate things. And if this fate to meet this guy, I will meet him again, maybe in more convenient circumstances. Now, let's just enjoy his company.

But my desire to spend more time with him kept growing. He would listen to me, no matter what I say, or whatever weird shit I would tell him. I reached a point, where I really wanted to pee, but if I will go, I will never meet him again. He will probably get to sleep, and then I won't see him tomorrow. But I had to let go, It was already after midnight, no one around. I can't be that selfish. Before going to our rooms, we agreed to meet for coffee tomorrow.

After a short toilet break, I went to the room. Wait, what? Why are you here? He was there as surprised as me, standing there almost half naked, getting ready to sleep.We said goodnight to each other and went to bed. I could not really sleep, but think, how to spend more time together. I know I had to let him go, but what if he could give me a ride to Kaunas? No... I can't ask for that... It is too much... Damm, I will never meet him again... We will part tomorrow. What if, we just stop somewhere, and camp somewhere together, just to spend more time together. Arghhhhhhhhhh! No! That's, simply wrong... I have to let go and forget about it.So, that's how I fell short on sleep again!

The morning came, my brain was early up. I was staring towards his bed and kept thinking about how I don't want to part him. Just one more conversation! (Now, I felt like a stalker). He finally woke up. I left the kitchen to warm up croissants so we can have breakfast together. At least something, before he leaves.

I came up to the lobby, where fresh coffee was served. He was not there. I turned my back, and he was right behind me.

(Stranger): -Good timing.

(Me): - Yes.

We sat down to eat my prepared breakfast. He started to talk about today's, plans. He mentioned about visiting the market in Gariunai. I pinpointed for him on the map and told him it is in the direction towards his destination. His goal was to reach Poland today. Well, good for you...

Then he asked about plans for today. I told him I am going to Kaunas. He googled it.

(Stranger): - I can take you there.

(Me): - (without any hesitation) AGREED!

Well, what a coincidence... That's what I what I wished for, BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER ASK FOR IT. After a few cups of coffee, he asked.

(Stranger): - have you packed?

(Me): - Yes, I just need to pick it up. You still need to go to Gariunai. I will show you around.

That's at least a legal excuse to spend a bit more time together. I was sure, he also wanted to spend more time with me, otherwise, he would have never agreed to meet for coffee, or take me to Kaunas.

After picking up my stuff, I went to his car, which was parked just behind, hostel territory. The car had a tiny semi-trailer attachment. Which was ridiculously small to me, but very well organized.I got into his car. We are talking about travels. I could see he is distracted, or simply tired. He almost missed a turn. We reached the market, I showed him more continent place to park, instead of a pinpointed place on the map.

We walk around the market, tasted local goodies. Until, it was really time, to take off.On the way to Kaunas, he would give me this look. I have seen it before. It is when there is chemistry between people or someone you like but you yourself don't know or don't accept yet. Suddenly he said.

(Stranger): -That was turn to Kaunas. I think we are in Kaunas.

(Me): - What!? Already!?

Time flew by in the split second. I hoped to spend just a little more time together. I tried to invite him for lunch, just to stall more time. But he really had to go. We reach the city centre and I got off. Then I offered at least stay in touch via Facebook, but I knew that our paths would never cross again. There is no such thing as fate. If there would, there would not be a need for divorce.There is only lucky coincidences, and logical patterns. If people are in the same building, they are bound to run into each other, so that happened here. But I am happy to run into you. I still have so much to tell you, that's why I started to write this diary, so I won't bug too much, because as you noticed I can be too much.

But It was still amazing to experience, how two extremely different people can bound closely in such a short time. Long ago, I learned to appreciate what I have not to be greedy, so thank you for the time I had with you, even we will never meet again.

[traveldiar]

8th July: 

I just moved out from Filaretai hostel and heading towards the station with all my bags. It is a big day today. Sun was shining and gently tickling my skin. Not even one dark cloud in the sky. That's the day when I suppose submit all my paperwork for Japanese visa and then head home to the deep countryside. I was bloody nervous. There was so many what if’s running in my head. That was a day where everything or nothing could go wrong.

Lucky me, Vilnius train station has a storage place, so I don't have to drag all my luggage to the embassy.

After dropping off my luggage, I was going with public transport towards the embassy… 2 hours earlier than I suppose to. First thing after I got off the bus, I went straight to the embassy. It started to get cloudy, and cold.

I am standing in front of the embassy gate, is raining. I am looking at it, and getting myself mentally ready. Meanwhile calming myself down, by claiming "There is no reason to decline me, my papers are spotless”, at least that’s what I thought.

After staring at the gate for a while, I realized that there is still 1,5 hour to kill. What now? On the way here I saw a supermarket. So then, let's go shopping.

I was strolling around a shop for 10 minutes. I could not decide what to buy. What I end up buying was a local pastry and pack of cigarettes. The strange choice isn't?

When I looked at the clock there was still more than an hour. Waiting was driving me crazy! I was so restless! But I need to do something… Should I get some coffee? probably… The nearest coffee place was 500 meter away. Well, I do have time.

So I went to the coffee place, I got some locally brewed fancy cappuccino, and tried enjoying myself, but the anxiety was killing me. I had a lot to lose! All the flights are booked, all the arrangements in Japan were made. I did spend a lot of money! I even quit my job for that!

After spending some time in the cafe, It was almost time to go. When I get to the embassy, it was still minutes too early for my appointment. Well, fuck it, let's go in. What happens, that happens! There is the only way, and that's forward.

So, I rang the doorbell on the gate, and the gate opened! I went to the front gate. The security guard opened. In front of me, there was a full-body scanner. I stepped through, and it started beeping! The first thought in my head " I don't have any guns!" I was so glad, that I didn't say out loud…

The secretary through the glass-covered counter asked me to step forward. The first question she asked:

Secretary: - Do I have all my papers?

With trembling voice I answered:

Me: - yes!

Awkwardly, I started to unload all the papers. She stopped me because I had to fill up some other forms first. At that moment I was very confused. It was just a paper with my name and purpose of visit. But I couldn't find out where to even write my name.

Her voice softened, and she started to point with the finger, where and what to fill up. I felt like the first-grader, who just learned how to write. It was quite embarrassing when I think about it.

Then she asked for my papers. I gave her all had from my yellow transparent envelope. With a confused look,  started to go through my flight details. She got even more confused when she looked at other papers, such as the list of activities  ( a paper I had to fill up, to show what I am going to in Japan ). She started to ask questions, such:

Secretary: -  Where is written means of transport in Japan? Where is the date of entry?,  Where is the port of exit?. 

In my head “Did I completely misunderstood, a whole form?”, “Do I have re-do everything, as kindly ask for another appointment?”. My anxiety was pilling up, and my hands were trembling. 

The secretary, with a kind voice, asked me to sit down and wait until she will go through all the papers. 5 minutes later, she came back and asked to come to the counter. In my head " It definitely gets declined". The secretary started to go through the papers and gave me a pen at the same time.

Secretary: - If you can correct, this and this point, and write down the entry and exit dates, and will be fine. But I don't understand your bank statement! I am not sure if the ambassador will accept it. Now sit down and wait for Ambassador.

A few minutes later, short, timid Japanese guy came out and called out my name.

Ambassador: -  Miss Janina, I understand you want to apply for one year visa to Japan".

Me: -  Yes sir.

He pointed to the door which led to a semi office sitting area. He apologized for his English, and there is no assistant today, who can help to interpret. He asked for my reasons why I want to go to Japan. We had a very nice chat for 10 minutes.  he said, that all my papers are in order, but he can't accept my bank statement. It has to be written by the bank officials, that I have enough money, and stamped. Otherwise, he has no problem to issue by this Friday.

I left the office and started googling for the nearest office of my bank branch, here In Vilnius. I asked the secretary, yo get my passport, so I can go to the bank to get a statement. She agreed, but she was in doubt if I will ever come back.

I left the embassy and started heading towards Danske bank office I saw on google maps. It was raining, but I didn't care, I had to get that statement. It was around 3 km, but I never walked that fast, I didn't even have time to look up If any buses were going that direction. I kept walking. At the same time, I was so happy, because I almost have a visa! Almost there!

The first Danske bank office I reached, it turned out to be a headquarters. Damm… I saw on the map, there was another office 700 meters away. Rushed over there! Damm it looks like another strange office. I didn't resemble a bank at all. Well, let's ask. I went to the first person I noticed at the counter, and I asked with a desperate voice:

Me: - Hello, do you serve the customers here? Right?

Receptionist:- yes.  

Me: - Is there is anyone who can print an official bank statement regarding my account balance?

Receptionist:- Yes, wait a moment over there.

She pointed to the furthest cover in the room, with few chairs. A few moments later she made a call. 

Receptionist:- Hello, there is someone to meet you. Can you come down for a moment?

Meanwhile, I was staring in empty space, calming my self down, that everything is going to be ok. Time was going slower with every second. Waiting was becoming unbearable... All I wanted was to get it done and return to the embassy and get it over with. My head different questions were running through with no answers. „ Will get the statement? Will I return on time? Will I get visa!!?“At that moment it seemed hours have passed since I sit down. I am about to look at my phone to check the time. At that exact moment, I hear steps, coming down the stairs. It was a blond message woman, coming towards me.

Women: - Are you waiting for me?

Me: - Yes.

Women: - Let's go to my office.

We started going towards stairs, and small relief inside me, "Just, maybe I will get this over finally!" I started to explain my situation. Immediately she cut me short in my speech.

Secretary: - I am sorry, I can¨t help you, since your account is in Denmark, I am not allowed to look at foreign bank accounts, even it is the same branch.

At that moment I felt even more desperate. I tanked for her effort and wished her a  good day. In my mind, I was trying not to panic and calmly asses the situation. The more I thought the more I came to the conclusion that I have the only option was left. I NEED TO CALL, TO MY BANK IN DENMARK!

I went to nearby shopping centre, so I can sit down somewhere. Before entering the building I started calling my bank in Denmark. It took at least 20 minutes maybe even more to reach them. The line was busy. Probably a lot of people were trying to solve their issues with the bank too. After endless waiting finally, someone end of the line picked up. I managed to talk with customer service, they agreed to write a statement for me. I would get the next morning.   That's when I was finally relieved… I contacted the embassy and agreed to bring the bank statement the next morning. Great!

Finally, I can be at ease! But wait... where I am going to sleep tonight? I have checked out from the hostel already... Ummm, YEAH...

[traveldiar]

7th July. Visiting my first working place.

[traveldiar]

5th July. Vilnius Old town. 

[traveldiar]

4th July: Vilnius

[traveldiar]

une 4th - That's how I left my home on my own...

6:00 This night I almost could not sleep. I am finally leaving. LEAVING! Leaving Denmark, my job, my boyfriend, all the sorrows, I am leaving all the overworked hours.

 I am leaving to start the adventure, of my life! ON MY OWN! (Is not like I haven't done it before, but not on such a scale). This time I will be gone for 3 years. Damn, I am nervous...

There is so many what if's running in my head (mostly about the visa to Japan). The rest I am quite cool about it.

6:20 It is time to re-check my bags for the 10th time if I have everything I need. Passport, flight tickets, travel cup, enough underwear... and everything else.

7:00 I am already in the car, heading towards the airport.  My boyfriend asked, out of the blue.

(Boyfriend): - Where is your passport?

 My mind went blank for a minute, but then I remembered it is in backpacks front pocket. 

(Me):- In my front pocket.

(Boyfriend): - That took long enough. It is a bit too late to turn the car around, in case you forgot. What about flight tickets?

(Me):- Check!

(Boyfriend): -  Travel cup?

(Me):- Check!

Finally, we reached the airport, he drove to drop off point. I am looking at him with the confused look.

(Me):- Aren't you gonna send me off?

(Boyfriend): - I can if you want to...

(Me):- You know, I am off for 3 years...

(Boyfriend): - Ok, wait for me in the terminal.

I took my bags from the car and started walking towards the terminal entrance. Just before entering, I stopped to smoke the last cigarette in Denmark. My heart was pounding, I feel nervous. I am about to take off!

I went inside. Immediately, I faced a huge crowd of people. A lot of noise! Groups of people trying to get through each other with their massive luggage's. It seemed they packed for a year or something. The atmosphere was suffocating... But I had no time to waste, I need to check-in! I went straight to check-in screens. When I got there, people were almost pushing each other, it was the crowd. Until I managed to reach the screen to check-in, my flight company was not there! I was even more confused. Anyway, where is he? Just yesterday, he could barely let me go, and now... Where are you?

A few minutes later, I hear my phone ringing. It is him. Probably he cants find me in the crowd... We agreed to meet next to the screens where it shows all the information about the flights. When I saw him again, he was anxious. He kept asking about my passport and flight tickets. Until he felt calmer. 

We checked the screen with all the flights. My flight check-in was not even open. It seemed I had to wait a bit longer. Well, it made me even more anxious, it was already 8:20! Well, my flight was 10:30. but still... What if... 

Meanwhile, I found, an old American couple who was taking the same flight and also waiting... This fact gives some sort of comfort, at least I was not waiting alone. If the plane disappears, then I am not the only victim.

Meanwhile, I was waiting, and patiently staring at the screen, I noticed there was missing check-in information for one more flight which is much earlier than mine. That flight is to Helsinki. It supposes to take off, at 9:00 and it is already 8:30, and still no info about check-in or gate number. WHAT HELL IS GOING ON! At least my flight is 10:30... I should be fine... I hope

8:40 - Finally the check-in for my flight showed up on the screen! and not that far away from where I am located right now! Yay!

Landed to Vilnius. I flew via Warsaw in a business class seat. It was the first time flying with the business class. It does sound fancy, doesn't it? But is not that big of the deal. The only difference, you are the first one get the plane. Then you get free juice, coffee, and a snack. The rest is the same. Even If I am a first passenger in the plain, I still need to wait, until everyone gets to the plain, and leg space is the same.

When I landed in Vilnius, I felt like in the matchbox, I forgot how small this airport is. It took 3 minutes from the moment I stepped my foot out the plain to the luggage pick up area. Still, I had wait for about 20 minutes, until my backpack was loaded on the luggage transporter. I finally left the airport and headed towards the train. Yes, train. In Vilnius, there is a train from the airport to the station. Well, the actual station is outside the airport. Due to the lack of signs, I practically had to guess, where is a station. I got there just in time. Let's pay! Ummm, where is ticket machine, or office, or anything? If it is not here, then do I need to pay? Of-course I need to pay! It is East block!

I went to the local guy, and asked him, in English on how to purchase a ticket. He politely answered in English. That I need to do that inside the train. Well, that was a relief. I suddenly stopped myself. "What? Wait? Why did I speak to him in English, instead of Lithuanian? Oh well, it is too late. It just needs to make sure, that I don't speak to him Lithuanian next time, otherwise it would be awkward. Well, you know, since I am Lithuanian..."

I am on the train, waiting to get off at the main station. Just looking through the window, and thinking "Yep, I am home. That's my country... But, why I don't feel anything?" I was waiting for this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and freedom. But, nop. Still empty, no revoking revelations, or any hint nostalgia. It was rather foreign, even I have lived here for a year, a long time ago. Maybe too much time has passed. Still the same. Same city, still a lovely city. I did fell in love with this city for a reason. 

Nevertheless, I tried using public transport, I wanted to take a bus to my hostel... Well, no luck. I found out the bus exists, but no one knows where it stops. Then I made a decision, that I will walk. I should survive 2,5 km with bags. I managed, but I admit it was quite an exercise until I reached my hostel.