Neglecting Myself
I told John I've been feeling neglected lately. I said I don't want to tell him what to do (cause normally those discussions turn into arguments), I just want to tell him how I feel. His response was to invite me to go to the office with him... Are you joking? I'm frustrated because that response lacks empathy. I'm feeling rejected and vulnerable, a better suggestion from him (since he wants to try and help) would be one that's more thoughtful and more me, not convenient for him. I want to be romanced, emotionally. I want my love languages to be considered. I want to feel like I'm being put first. So I'm driving to take myself to lunch and I'm thinking. Just, processing the events of this morning, when it hits me. The realization that I am likely feeling neglected because I have been neglecting myself. I have the opportunity to romance myself, consider my own love languages, and to put myself first. If John is not in a space to fill my need, then I can do it for myself. And......I think that's ok? I think it's ok for my long-term partner to not be emotionally available this one time. I think it's ok for him to put his needs first. I just wish he would say that instead of something stupid.
I gotta say, I'm proud of myself for the work I have done in and out of therapy to be happier. I started listening to an episode of Brene Brown's podcast Unlocking Us the other day, and on my drive today I remembered a phrase in the title, "Permission to feel". I gave myself permission to feel my feels and it help me come to my earlier mentioned conclusion. I still had some negative thoughts in the form of judgements ("My parents suck for not teaching me these skills sooner." "John is an asshole for not being emotionally available for me.") and I am still working on forgiving myself for having them, but I feel OK. Just feeling OK is a huge win. Normally, an interaction like this would have sent me into a downward spiral but not this time. I did start crying in the car, and that's the first stage to spiraling for me. As soon as I gave myself permission to feel, I didn't feel despair anymore. I just felt normal or average sad. I still allowed myself to cry, but I stopped pretty fast.
It's been a bumpy ride to discovering my needs; to learning who I am and what makes me happy. It's been super hard and I've given up a couple of times, letting the intrusive thoughts win. Not this time! This time, I won. I won over the destructive ideas and impulse to run, or worse. I won over the isolating behaviors that hurt others and myself. I won over the statistical outcome of generational trauma. I won! Yay!










