A Speck of Stardust

 Leaving Dustmites Since 1994

[trebiene]

Neglecting Myself

I told John I've been feeling neglected lately. I said I don't want to tell him what to do (cause normally those discussions turn into arguments), I just want to tell him how I feel. His response was to invite me to go to the office with him... Are you joking? I'm frustrated because that response lacks empathy. I'm feeling rejected and vulnerable, a better suggestion from him (since he wants to try and help) would be one that's more thoughtful and more me, not convenient for him. I want to be romanced, emotionally. I want my love languages to be considered. I want to feel like I'm being put first. So I'm driving to take myself to lunch and I'm thinking. Just, processing the events of this morning, when it hits me. The realization that I am likely feeling neglected because I have been neglecting myself. I have the opportunity to romance myself, consider my own love languages, and to put myself first. If John is not in a space to fill my need, then I can do it for myself. And......I think that's ok? I think it's ok for my long-term partner to not be emotionally available this one time. I think it's ok for him to put his needs first. I just wish he would say that instead of something stupid.

I gotta say, I'm proud of myself for the work I have done in and out of therapy to be happier. I started listening to an episode of Brene Brown's podcast Unlocking Us the other day, and on my drive today I remembered a phrase in the title, "Permission to feel". I gave myself permission to feel my feels and it help me come to my earlier mentioned conclusion. I still had some negative thoughts in the form of judgements ("My parents suck for not teaching me these skills sooner." "John is an asshole for not being emotionally available for me.") and I am still working on forgiving myself for having them, but I feel OK. Just feeling OK is a huge win. Normally, an interaction like this would have sent me into a downward spiral but not this time. I did start crying in the car, and that's the first stage to spiraling for me. As soon as I gave myself permission to feel, I didn't feel despair anymore. I just felt normal or average sad. I still allowed myself to cry, but I stopped pretty fast.

It's been a bumpy ride to discovering my needs; to learning who I am and what makes me happy. It's been super hard and I've given up a couple of times, letting the intrusive thoughts win. Not this time! This time, I won. I won over the destructive ideas and impulse to run, or worse. I won over the isolating behaviors that hurt others and myself. I won over the statistical outcome of generational trauma. I won! Yay!

[trebiene]

Positively positive

I feel as though I have been walking through a scary maze produced during Halloween. I am tired, triggered, and terrified.

I'd just like to add that I love scary movies. Ever since I was in first or second grade when my best friend introduced me to Scream and Dawn of the Dead; they have terrified and fascinated me. Maybe this curiosity is a product of aftershocks from traumatic emotional earthquakes, and this attitude is my way of coping with the intrusive shakes and lingering turmoil.

The idea isn't new, haunted mazes, even though at one point it was novel and unknown, terrifying to most when it first became a thing. I used to scare myself, imagining being overstimulated and haunted by in-person jump-scares, disturbing visuals, and nightmare fueling sounds, but had always accepted the idea because they never truly affected me personally.

After years of refusing to go inside one, I decided to encourage myself to be more brave, and give one a shot. Shortly after I acknowledged this emerging change of heart, I watched Hellfest, and read an article about an actor in Ohio, I think it was, who brought a real knife onto the production grounds and used it in their "performance". He ended up cutting a person's toe. Immediately after watching the movie and reading the article, I decided to hold-onto my old way of thinking and that it was better to keep myself protected.

But now I have walked through the maze, and I did so because of my desire to be loved. Did I make a mistake? Did I let my guard down, and ignore all of my instincts that have brought me to this point in my life unharmed and healthy? Was I justifying my decision, with mantras like, "they couldn't be that bad", and "I can take it, I'm a lot stronger than most people"? Damn this unhealthy attachment style, leeching off of my natural instinct to be socially accepted by anyone, my compulsive people pleasing and desire to be seen.

I didn't think about the real, long term effects that experience could have, and is having on my stability. My security blanket is gone, and I have lost the sense and appetite for another. Currently I am looking for the end of this maze, hoping for a swift return to my natural stasis.

I am afraid, however, that my baseline has moved and I will never be able to find it again.

[trebiene]

Moment of Vulnerability

In an effort to better understand me and my everyday experiences, the man I love asked me to share details of one of the most trying times of my life. Here is a synapse of that story. 

I have been hospitalized in a mental health institution twice in my late-teen years. I have experienced enough trauma at a young age that made me question my existence. I used to think it was better to end my suffering than to survive it. However, it was a time of my life that has been so influential; a time that has catapulted me into my journey of self-preservation and self-actualization. 

I think these are important goals for everyone to have: one venerates satisfying basic human need while the other satiates my desire to be the best human being I can be. When I say “best human being”, I mean in the sense of my own personal definition and not what other people like to define being human as. That’s how it should be. There is no one book that perfectly describes what it means to be human. I think some of the most important take-aways from teachers and preachers are “don’t be a d**k and give to others when it is within your means.” Anyway, I’m getting off topic here.

I described the times where I didn’t like myself. I honestly felt like I hated myself, but I don’t like using that word (hate) so I choose to replace it with the synonym ‘dislike’. I disliked myself so much I used to hurt myself in multiple ways. Then my dislike grew to a point where I wanted to end my ability to experience and exist because all I can remember from that time was bottomless pain. It was then that I decided I needed to be hospitalized after I already made an attempt to end my life. The guardians I was living with at the time had split opinions on the matter. Thankfully, the one who voted in favor of getting me help got his way. I am who I am today because of the therapy I received. 

The first time I was hospitalized I was 16 and I stayed for eight days. The second time I was hospitalized I was 17 and I stayed for seven days. I learned so much about self-care and how to be good at it in BOTH of my stays. It is so important to be able to listen to our bodies, including our minds, and to do what is important for our health and longevity. I encourage anyone who feels the way I felt to reach out to someone, anyone. I am new to Tumblr, but if there is a way to direct message a person, message this biotch! Life is precious and there is so much good that can come from it. Maybe I’ll get a semi-colon tattoo for my next ink <3

[trebiene]

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

I have not felt this passionate about someone since I dated my ex....let’s call him Steve. I gave him every bit of me, but it wasn’t received well. Our love was volatile and endless. The parts that I remember are hurtful, but he taught me the most important lesson of all: how to love myself. I cannot begin to love another human being, until I learn to love myself and all of my parts. 

Steve taught me that it is, indeed, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. And now, I am in so deep with another love of my life. 

As I watch the city lights dance on the horizon, I am reminded that I deserve all the love and light this world has to offer. I am spoiled with opportunity, and I have found another human being to share my treasure with. I never thought it was possible, and yet here I am; pledging my entire being and soul to another. I never thought I would be here again. Now, I am overflowing with faith and self-love. I am so thankful that I have learned to love without judgement, and to give without expectations. My existence is rich with experience, and I am eager to share it with another. I have found him in the darkest of places.

While I continue to apologize for things I shouldn’t, he reminds me to let go of those insecurities. Although this is among the hard lesson I learn, I am eager to absorb all I can from him. I have found someone I want to trust entirely with my heart, and it’s terrifying. I am a person who self-sabotages because all I have known is failure, and abandonment. I would ruin any chance of happiness before I could accept that I deserved it. I ‘pop’ my lips in anxiety; wondering if I will f**k this up. I am hoping that this one will motivate me to be the best I can be. Is it wrong to put so much faith in another human being? It is blind faith, which I have realized some have with the one they call God. My step-mom has this saying posted on her fridge, something like “I believe without sight,” which to me sounds preposterous. But as I watch my love sleep, I ask myself “is it wrong to have blind faith in a love I cannot tangibly hold? In a love I am unable to quantify, for it is endless? In a love I can only feel and not mark or study?” The logical part of me constantly sends me warning signals, “Play it safe. Don’t fall so hard.” But the emotional part of me says “Live and love; for you only have one life to do so.” This is the endless battle I face. But perhaps calling this battle “endless” is a part of my self-sabotaging tendencies. Only time will tell. 

[trebiene]

I don’t trust you.

I’m 26, but turning 27 in less than a week. Not sure if my age really matters; I feel like it does. I haven’t seen much of the world, but I know I have seen more than most. 

 I have a sister and a brother. My sister is 9, and my brother is 7. I made the mistake of mentioning the LGBTQ community when my sister saw a Gay Pride flag on Google maps. Their mom, my step mom, now doesn’t trust me to be alone with them. And she says she doesn’t trust anyone, but I can’t help but feel her distrust for me is personal. 

I opened up to her, during our first confrontation, and told her I am bisexual. I am so open minded, I listen (presently) to her passionate rants about why Jesus is great and why she believes in God’s love. I even try to understand WHY she feels the way that she feels so that I can answer any questions my sister might have in an appropriate manner without contradicting what my stepmom has taught her. I would never intentionally go against what she wants to teach her kids. Ultimately, I am just a bystander. However, I recognize I am so lucky to have the privilege to be able to spend any kind of alone time with my siblings. I just can’t help but feel that my cooperation is not met with the same level of understanding from her. I have even asked her for books and other reads that would teach me to encourage her kids to stay on the “right path”. Yet, I am still met with opposition in my efforts to bond with my siblings.

In so many ways, she told me that she “knows” there are ideas and views that I want to impose onto my sister, and even my brother, and she is afraid they are going to confront her with questions on topics they are too young to understand. While I do want to maker every opportunity a learning opportunity, I am working so hard to meet my stepmom more than halfway; especially because I understand her insecurities and don’t want to say or do anything to jeopardize my invitation into their home. I understand they are just kids, and I will gladly treat them as such. I made two comments (on my first night with them; but I am also incredibly forthcoming so censoring my words is hard for me): the first, my siblings were playing on one of our relative’s phones and came across an image of a Pride parade participant holding a rainbow flag to which I responded “Yeah! An LGBTQ flag!”, and my second comment was just mentioning that anyone can have long hair, or no hair, and not be a girl (non-binary). She then confronted me that those topics were too inappropriate to talk about in front of her kids. I apologized and tried to make her feel confident in leaving her first-born girl alone with me. I just wish she would have as much faith in me as she has in her God.

I feel I have messed up my chances of being closer to my sister, and I honestly fear what my stepmom will say or do in the years to come.  

[trebiene]

Do it or get out.

Why are some parents so caught up in the success or failure of their kid? Is it okay to just exist, in this space? They want to succeed, but aren’t given the right tools to propel them to the top of the hierarchy of greatness. How can we instill confidence in a less-than-confident adolescent? Is it best to push them to their edge, and to justify their struggle as a “learning opportunity”? Or is it best to meet them where they are at and attempt to reconcile learned insecurities? 

I don’t know the first thing about parenting, but I know all about being a kid who was shamed and disciplined for their mistakes. I don’t mean the typical “Oh they snuck out again!” No, I’m talking about the, “I’m confused by my natural, sexual urges and my parent doesn’t know how to deal” shame. The type of embarrassment that lingers with a person for the rest of their life. The type of embarrassment that affects the way they are romantic with future partners. The type of embarrassment that is painful to talk about with current lovers.  It’s only true love if it hurts, right? Hurt can come from a lack of communication, or from something far more intentional in it’s affect. 

But because of everything I have survived, I welcome the hurt.

I welcome the change that comes with pain. I welcome the new insights due to my heightened sense of existence and being. I welcome the uncomfortable feelings as I deal with my own bias. I welcome the numb feeling that comes from being overwhelmed. Doesn’t everyone dissociate when they are upset? I wish it was more accepted to just, exist; to cope.

To myself, because I need to hear this more than anyone:

I am enough.