i get discouraged so easily and tend to want to give up. i never find myself giving into that feeling. For a while iāve recognized why i react to certain things. i feel like iām a scientist taking notes on a new species. i used to think nothing worked to help me..but did i really try? like realllly try? no, i didnāt. i would half ass it.
i am currently 18 years old. last week i got my heart broken for the 2nd time in my life (relationship wise). Iāve decided to start ādocumenting what iāve learned and my progressā when i was younger, i always new i was different. it was weird, and not that trendy different, i thought about everything differently. i feel to this day something happened that i blocked out as a child. As i grew up, i blocked out a lot of trauma. atm itās too much too type iāll probably have more to say as these go on.
letās get started. my first love, broke my heart lol. first of all, i came out of private school and was blind to a lot of the shit that could happen to me, or how to handle a broken heart. i feel like being sheltered in the private also is the reason why i thought nothing of so many traumatic events...i just didnāt know. but back to the point, my first love was my first everything except kiss, long story short, he left me in a lot of pain and hurt. I was never good at opening up too my parents frl so i had no one too talk too, i had friends but i didnāt know how to explain. their words didnāt help me heal, i did it all alone. it took me abt a year to fully be okay. allat of the problems in the relationship i once had, still stuck with me. Blah blah blah, i donāt have the heart to explain whatās happened this week. no cap. i canāt do it. my parents are gone for 2 weeks and in my whole life, iāve never wanted my mom here more. her voice over the phone helps so much though, i never thought i would find ease like that in her voice, until i actually tried.
okay lol, i āsnuckā into the boy who broke my hearts house. (i have a fucking key) but i see where itās wrong. but come on now, i told him i was crazy. but that shit was out of pure heartbrokeness. it makes me sick. iāve lost an unhealthily amount of weight. i still am losing weight. smoking wonāt even make me hungry. iām relapsing but iām making money at the same time so idc. i wake up with anxiety and have been for a while now, but i shake now.
i keep telling myself everyday i can get through another day. i can keep going. i almost killed my self bro. the pyschotic break i had deadass almost killed me. i couldnāt control myself. future amberlyn yk how hard it was. Ig it was so hard bc i kept trying to fix things and i tried too hard. every male so far has shown me the same thing.... - SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS I MADE HIM WAIT. but thatās not the convo for rn.
i keep getting off topic. my weight loss makes me happy but itās not healthy. itās going to get out of hand. iāve been listening to bad bitch music and trying everything i can to stay stable. i shouldnāt have snuck in, i wouldāve saved my heart. this shit makes me want to fuxking die but this isnāt the end of the world. i will cry and boss up at the same time. and if we do get back together, shit will be right this time. but everything is abt to fucking change. i donāt deserve this and he didnāt deserve what i did. This is so fucking hard bro. i canāt let myself go but itās like a thread.
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