Fucksville City, Popuation: Me

Tricki | 17 | they/them

[trickiis]

september 22nd 2025

hi :3

unfortunately i got really sick. i've been sick for too long to keep track of now. i'm currently wearing a heart monitor.

life sucks again in a lot of different ways, but i'm with a man who actually loves me so that smooths over quite a bit.

[trickiis]

september 10th, 2023.

hello.

everything has changed since we have last spoken.

dad died.

october 27th 2022 dad died in his sleep. alone at the house in new hampshire. i was in arizona with mom and had been since august 2022. he was planning a trip to come out for my 21st birthday in november 2022.

it's been impossible the handle. i cant lie and say i've been good. i'm literally on autopilot. it's like that was the final straw. i had already been bone tired, but the chaotic grief that was august2022-march2023 sent me into a spiral. i had countless breakdowns and the months were categorized by the notable (by others, multiple times) presence of a depressive episode. i was down to 112lbs again, not on purpose this time.

it broke at the end of may 2023 when mom's friend sandy took us to her timeshare in aruba. we stayed on eagle beach and i swam in the caribbean ocean every single day for two weeks. i felt like i shed my fucking skin and left it there. i was literally ecstatic when i came home & working felt great.

i've gained back a lot of weight and i haven't felt bad about it once. i actually have a completely different physique than i ever did before cuz i've worked 5 days a week since feeling better (feeling better=gaining weight). i've gotten strong. like really strong, and my muscle definition is pretty impressive. [impressive enough for others to comment on it, not my own words]

also, the Covid-19 pandemic is officially over. well, right now there's a little spike happening (seasonally expected - like the flu), but i think it was in may 2023 they announced it was no longer a pandemic. it was apparently not an epidemic either, so literally all of the precautions were dropped. and also, i had covid, again. for the third time. i had covid on my 21st birthday. which was insane because a couple weeks before my birthday i vividly remember say out loud to mom "the only thing that would make my birthday worse would be if i had covid,".

and then i had covid.

all i can do is laugh because i literally speak prophetic truth but it can only be right if the event is a fucking bad one. whatever.

21, so adult, right? yeaaahhh... cuz i bought a fucking house too.

like, actually. well, i guess not actually. mom bought the house for me. with money from the sale of the jericho house. my childhood home, sold!! fine by me. which is true, and not something i am compelled to lie about, yet still raises a red flag to half mast in the back of my head - i really don't care much that the house is gone. everyone made it sound like i should've been sad about so i'm kinda just hoping it hits in a little while. i haven't even accidentally tried to drive there instead of going to the new house though...not even once.

i love the new place. we just moved in on august 28th. it's in a trailer park, and i really hope i'll be able to make friends with the people in the houses around. i have no direct neighbors though, cuz the houses are being replaced. it's sooooo quiet.

anyway, just wanted to tell you all that.

oh, and i can't believe how much of this journal is about him. it's weird to read that much about someone you barely think about nowadays. but i guess it makes sense, as to why he's been so hard to undo. i guess i never realized how bad it was while it was happening. sad to think about. there's been more incidents with him since we last spoke as well, but i won't waste energy discussing them. he doesn't deserve it.

thanks for listening!! bye!

-TM

[trickiis]

September 6t, 2021

yo..... what the fuck. this page is full of me simping for that cunt. that's fucking disgusting. fuck him.

anyway. the world is ending. the west coast is burning, the east coast is drowning, the oceans are rising, covid is running rampant, republican thumb brains are taking horse dewormer, and the taliban just gained access to a plethora of american military weaponry on the upcoming anniversary of the worst terrorist attack the united states has ever seen. good bye world, good bye health, i cease to exist.

[trickiis]

i am going to be sad. and it’s going to be your fault, because i’m going to miss you.

[trickiis]

Hello February 2020 me! it’s April 2020 me! the boy in question loves you very much and you have yet to regret writing that... let’s just hope it stays that way. I am in quarantine though! uhh i (well actually everyone) have been in quarantine since March 16th i believe (i don’t feel like checking the specific date) and it is now April 13th soooo horray for one whole month in the house!!! i don’t want to say i’m having a bad time because i really enjoy not having to go to school specifically because now i can manage my time the way i want to, and nothing is forced and when i finish something i can just move right on to the next thing. however, i have literally only left the house about 5 times in the past month, none of which have been to see friends, only to go to the store (and very quickly). i feel that it is unfortunately beginning to take a toll on my mental health...? i don’t want that to sound crazy out of proportion it’s just that i am struggling with thinking of good things.. i committed to the college of my dreams and instead of being happy about it all i am is worried about ,, everything; academics, people, roommates, friends, FINANCIALS! it’s all taking a toll on me and my bad bad brain is just taking over with so many other bad thoughts too, anything and everything that makes me sad or angry, the thoughts are so intrusive. but, i’m writing this in good mind and good health - which i am infinitely grateful for during this trying time - so even though the past few days have been really rough i’m hoping things will go back to normal......... but i don’t wanna go bad to school 🤪. anyway , yeah, it’s April. month one of quarantine = done! aaaand i’m sad but it’s ok ,, it will be better.

here’s a gif of the baby fox that’s living in our yard right now :) he made me very happy.

[trickiis]

how’s it going baby just thought i’d add some stuff here. umm it is February 6th, 2020,,, i’m 18! pretty cool considering this account started with me saying i felt old at 16 lol. anyway, keeping with the theme of some of the last posts i had made i am still very very good friends with the boy mentioned and i catch myself still loving him sometimes but i think we’re good because i realized he ,, really does care , he’s just very busy. i think. .. i hope i don’t regret writing that lol, but yes. it’s funny because it’s his birthday today. was gonna surprise him at work but i got too busy :/.

i feel good about life. people care about me i think,, and , i’ve been sad a lot lately but i know it’ll get better.

[trickiis]

It Sucks

liking someone so much that you force yourself to settle with friendship because you know it will last longer and the thought of the end of a relationship keeps you up at night :)

[trickiis]

Hey, Long Time No See.

just felt like i wanted to talk about this and this is where i usually put all my pent up romantic feelings so ,, let’s talk. lately i’ve been forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that this kid i really like and have liked for about 6 or 7 months now is,,,, well he’s,, i don’t know how to say it because i don’t want it to sound too harsh because he’s still very nice and we talk every day but he just has 0 interest in me. i feel like i’m bothering him when i talk to him and it’s making me feel strange because lately Milie, Nick, and my mother have all been encouraging me to advance on this so ,,,, i don’t know i’m back to feeling annoying all the time. it’s hard reverting back to old feelings but i’m beginning to feel like a background character even in my own story,, i hate this.

[trickiis]

I was at the mall

with this kid i have a big ol’ crush on and as we were walking out he said “What does it feel like to be seen with a 6 foot greek god.” and i was like haha very funny and then i said “More like what does it feel like to be seen with a legend like me?” and he said “I’ll tell you what, I love showing off my girl.” and i swear i grasped for my life alert necklace.

[trickiis]

I think I’m gonna come back to this

Because I’ve been feeling a lot of feels lately and spewing them onto this page where no one sees them actually made me feel good... i guess we’ll see if I have the guts to write it out or if I’ll just put a fucking cork in it

[trickiis]

Life Update v. 2

I’m 17 now so looks like I’m about to retire

[trickiis]

Blindingly blue, so much so that I’d had to shield my eyes from a mere passing glance because it was like a flash of heavens brilliance when his gaze had crossed the room to take its housing on me.And bright shining golden hair, like an angels halo balanced delicately on his head.

It was honey on sapphires, it was long delicate wheat flowing against the clear, open sky.

[trickiis]

I can now solemnly conclude that I,, am not over it

[trickiis]

Excuse my language but

WHAT, per se, THE FUCK

[trickiis]

I realize some of the posts on here are Very Sad and that’s not the genre I’m advertising anymore because I got over That...so yeah. I’m gonna delete them.

[trickiis]

His voice was solid, immovable, never quaking never breaking, he was certain when he spoke.

June 17th 2018

[trickiis]

I sometimes have these really poetic author like thoughts that I like to write down and so now I’m gonna start posting them here because some of them I really like