history of the entire world, I guess starters (pt 1)
❛ You’re on a rock floating in space. ❜
❛ Some of it’s water. fuck it, actually, most of it’s water. ❜
❛ I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. ❜
❛ It’s sad. I’m sad. I miss you. ❜
❛ How did this happen ? ❜
❛ A long time ago - actually, never. and also now. ❜
❛ Like I said, it didn’t happen. ❜
❛ Nothing was never anywhere, that’s why it’s been everywhere. ❜
❛ It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when. ❜
❛ That’s how ‘every’ it gets. ❜
❛ I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. ❜
❛ I want things to change ! ❜
❛ I want to invent time and space. ❜
❛ I know it’s possible because everything is here. ❜
❛ It’s probably already happened. ❜
❛ I just don’t know when to start. ❜
❛ And that’s exactly where it started. ❜
❛ I think there’s a universe now. ❜
❛ Ah, that’s a thing. In a place. ❜
❛ Don’t like it ? Try a new place at a different time. ❜
❛ Some of them even doubled up. ❜
❛ New shit just got made. ❜
❛ Some stars burn out and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION ! ❜
❛ Holy shit we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks. ❜
❛ It kinda made a mess. ❜
❛ Weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. ❜
❛ Now there’s hot steam in the sky. ❜
❛ Weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. ❜
❛ Weather update: it’s raining. ❜
❛ Severe flooding alert ! the entire world is now an ocean. ❜
❛ There’s life in the ocean. ❜
❛ Something’s alive in the ocean ! ❜
❛ oh, cool, like a plant or an animal ? ❜
❛ It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup. ❜
❛ Oh, yeah, and it can do that. ❜
❛ It has secret instructions inside itself telling itself how to build another one of itself. ❜
❛ Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean ? ❜
❛ Now you can eat sunlight ! ❜
❛ Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. ❜
❛ Side affect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. ❜
❛ Wow that’s animals and stuff. ❜
❛ Hey can we go on land ? ❜
❛ The sun is a deadly lazer. ❜
❛ Nope ! Can’t walk yet. ❜
❛ There’s no food yet so I don’t care. ❜
❛ I was already doing that. ❜
❛ And now everything’s huge. ❜
❛ oh fuck, now everything’s dead. ❜
❛ Here are the survivors. Keep your eyes on this one. ❜
❛ Yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it. It does that all the time. ❜
❛ and the dinosaurs are gone. ❜
❛ It’s mammal time, here come the mammals ! ❜
❛ Look at those breasts ! ❜
❛ Now they’re gonna dominate the world. ❜
❛ One of them just learned how to grab stuff. ❜
❛ That’s a human person ! ❜
❛ And now they’re everywhere. ❜
❛ Well I guess we’re stuck here now. ❜
❛ Let’s review: there’s people on the planet and they’re chasing their food. ❜
❛ Fuck it. Time to plant some grass. ❜
❛ Look at this. I control the food now. ❜
❛ Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. ❜
❛ This is great ! I wonder if anyone else is doing this ? ❜
❛ Tired of using rocks for everything ? Use metal ! ❜
❛ Better farming was just invented in a sweet, dank valley right in between these two rivers. ❜
❛ Guess what happens next ! ❜
❛ Coming soon to a dank river valley near you ! ❜
❛ Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere the horse is probably being tamed. ❜
❛ Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy ? ❜
❛ Tired of using lame, sad metal ? ❜
❛ I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. ❜
❛ Meanwhile, out in the middle of no where they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. ❜
❛ Now we’re getting somewhere. ❜
❛ You could make a religion out of this. ❜
❛ And they believe in god. ❜
❛ He’s got, like, a ten step program. ❜
❛ Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened. ❜
❛ This guy who sat under a tree for so long he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. ❜
❛ He was great, and now he’s dead. ❜
❛ Get the hell out of here. ❜
❛ Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants ? ❜
❛ And they’ve got spices ! ❜
❛ Fuck you, obey the law. ❜
❛ Hell yeah ! Now we got business. ❜
❛ Is loving Jesus legal yet ? ❜
❛ No … actually, ok, sure. ❜
❛ Don’t worry about Rome, it won’t fall. ❜
❛ Here’s a huge city, population: everyone. ❜
❛ Your gods are all fake. ❜
❛ Everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. ❜
❛ The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the Pope is still the Pope. ❜
❛ Someone owns that now. ❜