2017
This has been the most unexpected year. From hospital trips, changes in hair color, twitter issues, misunderstandings among friends, relationship fights, paranoia, cutting my own hair, down to a lot more.
It was a pretty shaky start. I couldn’t decide whether to cut my hair short - shorter - until i had it cut shortest. I had acne all over my face. I switched hair colors from black to light brown to dark brown to black again in a span of one week. I was impulsive. I was indecisive.
I went to the hospital a couple times a few weeks into 2017. The doctor wasn’t sure what my condition was, with over 11,000 white blood cells lurking inside my body, trying to fight whatever infection i had. I had to skip school for a week. I was afraid of needles, not until i was required to go back to the hospital for a few more tests.
I feared that i wouldn’t be able to pass my thesis proposal defense. I came through. I was starting to lose hope in finding the right company for my internship. I ended up interning in the country’s tourism department. It was altogether surreal and unexpected. They were right, studying is so much better than working.
I made new memories with my family. I made new memories with my friends. I made new memories with Ald. I got lost in Makati, I managed to come home even after nearly collapsing in public, I climbed a mountain (ish), I built sand castles, I slept under the stars, I woke up to the sound of Ald telling me to hurry and take pictures of the sunrise. I guess, I was happy.
I started removing toxic people out of my life. New twitter account, fresh start. Mute, unfollow, block, hide. I needed to get toxicity out of my system.
There came a point this year that i didn’t feel important to some people at all. I started overthinking. I ruined birthday celebrations, and somehow, friendships.
I feared the idea of graduation. With my final thesis defense slowly creeping in, i started to think i might not be graduating on time. After all the trips to UP Diliman, San Beda Mendiola, and a few coffee shops just to finish my paper on time, i finally did it. I passed my thesis defense with flying colors. It was surreal. All the hardwork has paid off. Everything was worth it.
I started building myself again. I started trying to master the art of loving myself again. I started trying to forgive myself of everything that’s been holding me back from being happy. I tried until i couldn’t.
I went back to the hospital just when the year was about the end. I woke up to my body itching all over with red spots and rashes coming out of nowhere. I had to be given medication through an IV and yet again, i conquered my fear of needles - dextrose - this time.
On the first day of the last month this year, i decided to cut my own hair. Nothing too drastic, just a pair of scissors i found and a few strands of hair to achieve my longtime wish of getting see through bangs. To some people this might mean nothing, just plain change of hair style. To me, it means proving to others and proving to myself that i could do whatever i want to do - as long as it makes me happy - even though other people tell me that i couldn’t.
As 2017 reaches its end, i guess what i’m most proud of is re-building my relationship with Jesus. I figured the reason behind my never-ending depression, anxiety, fears, and doubts was that i didn’t trust Him enough. I relied too much on myself and found my happiness on other people and earthly things. I forgot who matters most. As i enter 2018, i pray that i grow more in God’s word and be able to serve as His vessel for the greater glory of His kingdom.
May our 2018 be filled with nothing but love and happiness! Always remember to stay kind and let’s keep our hearts close to Jesus Christ! Happy new year! ✨💫