Red Flags vs. Pink Flags
A lot of people talk about the importance of spotting “red flags” early on in a relationship. “Red flags” are small behaviours, quirks and traits that act as warning signs for bigger problems down the road - spotting red flags in a new dating partner can be a sign that it might be wise to end the relationship and look for a less problematic partner.
But for all the talk of the importance of “red flags”, it can be really difficult to find good discussions of which behaviours are actually red flags, and which ones aren’t. Many people mix in red flags that are personal to them (”doesn’t like cats”, “is too religious”) with red flags that are pretty much universal (”doesn’t respect boundaries”). Some lists include behaviours that only happen after things have gone way too far, like physical violence or stalking - these aren’t warning signs, they’re straight-up problem behaviours that red flags are meant to help you avoid. Other lists can seem to be too harsh, and call for you to abandon a relationship over behaviours that might have a reasonable explanation - these are behaviours I prefer to think of as “pink flags”, since they don’t necessarily spell disaster.
No one is ever going to create a perfect list that perfectly sorts and captures all red flags and pink flags, but there are a couple of major ones that people should know about. If you’re dating someone and there are some things about your partner that are making you uneasy, knowing whether those warning signs are “red flags” or “pink flags” can help you decide how to proceed. Red Flags (almost always a bad sign, and cause for concern):
They are infatuated with you to the point of obsession. It can be really flattering to have someone tell you that you’re literally perfect and their ideal soulmate and even more amazing than they ever dared to dream. The problem, though, is that this is often a sign that someone has put you up on a pedestal, and that they are dating their own idealized, fictional version of you, rather than the real you. Obsession is often a gateway to unhealthy, irrational jealousy, as well as the real possibility that they will lash out at you every time you deviate from the perfect image of you that they’ve built up in their heads.
They want to rush the relationship. Our culture really likes this romantic idea of people “just knowing” when they’re met the one, and skipping immediately to marriage, kids and happily ever after. In reality though, a person who calls you their soulmate and asks you to move in three weeks after your first date is probably leaning more toward “obsession” than affection, and this is probably not the first time they’ve done this with a new partner. Some people fall into a pattern where they rush headlong into commitment with new partner after new partner - that’s not a pattern you want to be a part of.
They never miss an opportunity to trash their ex-partners. People have bad ex-partners sometimes. It happens. Having a bad ex is not a reason to avoid someone. Constantly bashing their exes, however, is a bad sign. A person who feels the need to constantly talk about what a piece of shit their ex is probably still has a lot of unresolved feelings about the relationship, and and they more than likely don’t have the ability to take responsibility for whatever part they played in the relationship’s demise. If someone insists that every single one of their exes is a crazy lunatic, it might be time to consider the common denomination - them.
You never know where you stand with them. One day, your new beau is attentive, loving and the picture of devotion… then for the next three days, they’re distant and disinterested. Then, without explanation, they’re back to being devoted to you. This kind of behaviour is a huge red flag, especially once you’re past the first couple of dates - it’s a sign that someone is stringing you along for their own gain, or that they’re into playing mind games. In healthy relationships, both parties try to constantly signal interest.
They are quick to use guilt as a weapon. Someone who constantly responds to small slights by heaping guilt on you is not going to stop that behaviour anytime soon - it’s only going to escalate over time. If you can’t go out with your friends without getting a “I thought I was the most important thing to you, but I guess not… it’s fine, I’ll just sit here by myself….” text, that’s a bad sign. This person is not interested in having reasonable, adult conversations about their feelings - they’d rather be manipulative.
Their moods and reactions are extremely unpredictable. One moment, they shrug it off when someone cuts them off in traffic, and the next moment, they are beside themselves with rage when the barista messes up their coffee order. This kind of unpredictability can be a sign that they have uncontrolled anger problems, and it’s only a matter of time before their partner is on the receiving end of those issues.
They are excessively secretive. It’s normal not to spill all of your deepest secrets on a first date, but as a relationship progresses, it’s healthy for both partners to gradually disclose more information to each other. A person who goes out of their way to pretend that they don’t have a past is probably not someone you want to keep around - they might be guarding a dealbreaking secret (like the fact that they are already married, or that they have lied about much of what they’ve told you), they might not want to get too invested in you, or they might have serious trust issues. No matter what the explanation, it’s a problem.
They insist that the relationship be a secret, even if you don’t want it to be. It’s not unreasonable to expect the person you are dating to admit that they are dating you. A person who refuses to do that is probably up to no good - again, they might have another partner that they are hiding you from, they might not be as serious about you as they are leading you to believe, or they might intentionally want to make you feel like they are ashamed of you.
They have no life skills, and no obvious intention of learning any. Not everyone is a natural-born chef, and it’s okay to occasionally struggle with things like figuring out which garments can go in the wash together, or finding the best way to load a dishwasher. What’s not okay is taking pride in living in your own filth, and having no intention of ever learning how to be a functional adult. This kind of person will be inclined to treat you as more of a surrogate parent than a partner, and a long-term relationship will mean either picking up after them or living alongside them in their filth.
They have no goals or ambitions. This doesn’t mean “they don’t make a lot of money” or “they aren’t career-oriented” - a person who works a low-paying job or isn’t very invested in their career might be very invested in the idea of raising children, learning new things, pursuing their hobbies, travelling, improving as an artist, volunteering in their community, etc, and they can make a wonderful partner. Not everyone wants a workaholic partner. On the other hand, a person who has no passion or drive in life, for anything, is a huge red flag - that person is likely going to expect the relationship to cover all of their needs in life, and tension is bound to arise when you want to grow as a person and they don’t.
They lie to you. Telling lies because “I didn’t think you would like me if I told you the truth” or “I didn’t want you to get upset” or “I didn’t think it was a big deal” is not cute, and it’s not excusable. A person who readily lies to you for their own gain is manipulative, and they are going to keep doing it the next time it’s more convenient for them.
They are not willing to trust you. A partner has no business demanding that you give them your social media passwords, access to your phone, or the power to GPS track you. Being cheated on or lied to in the past is no excuse. This kind of controlling, possessive behaviour gets much worse over time, and anyone who is this mistrustful of their partner needs to work on their own issues before they can think about being in a relationship.
They are controlling. Your partner should not be telling you what you can wear, how often you can go out, or who you can be friends with. It doesn’t matter if they dress this up as “concern about your safety” or “just looking out for you”. Love is not control. A person who wants to have control over your life is not going to get better over time - they are going to get increasingly more controlling, until you find yourself having to ask their permission for everything.
They try to drive a wedge between you and your family or friends. Trust your relationships with your friends and family. A partner who shows up in your life and starts telling you that X friend is no good for you or that you should really stop seeing so much of Y is not looking out for you, and they don’t have your best interests at heart. They are trying to isolate you, and that’s what they will achieve if this goes on.
They are deeply insecure and counting on the relationship to fix them. You cannot be someone’s everything, no matter how hard you try. It is impossible for one person to be completely responsible for all of their partner’s emotional and social needs. If your partner comes completely unglued the moment that they aren’t able to get validation from you, that’s a serious problem. Best case scenario, you end up in a relationship with someone who needs you to reaffirm the relationship every 30 minutes so they can function. Worst case scenario, you end up sucked into a deeply interdependent relationship with someone who turns angry, violent or suicidal when you aren’t able to make their insecurities go away.
They seem like an entirely different person when they are angry. People with severe anger issues are often able to hide them in the very beginning of a relationship, but they can’t hide them forever. It’s normal for people to get angry sometimes, but if someone’s whole personality changes when they get mad, that’s a sign that there’s some serious problems lurking beneath the surface. An otherwise sweet person who becomes cruel, spiteful and aggressive when they get angry does not have their anger under control, and dating someone who can’t control their anger can be dangerous.
Pink Flags (might be a bad sign, but not necessarily):
They don’t introduce you to their family. It’s easy to feel like someone is ashamed of you or not serious about the relationship if they don’t take you to meet the family, especially if they see their family somewhat regularly. There could be a reasonable explanation, however. Their family might still be totally in love with your partner’s ex and hoping they get back together, and your partner might not want to subject you to that. Their family might be rude to everyone they bring home. There might be a problem in the family - abuse, violence, alcoholism, a parent who flirts openly with their kids’ partners - that they are embarrassed about. Family can be a touchy subject for a lot of people, and it may take time for someone to admit the real reason that you haven’t met their parents yet.
They are behind where they “should” be in life. Some people might be reluctant to date a 30-year-old who still lives with their parents and hasn’t finished college. Sometimes, though, people have made mistakes or faced circumstances beyond their control, and their current life situation isn’t a true representation of who they are or what they can achieve. They might not have taken college seriously the first time around, they might have faced crippling depression in their twenties, they might have been in an abusive relationship that ruined their career - there are all kinds of reasons why someone might be a little behind their peers, and none of those make them a bad potential partner. Current circumstances don’t matter as much as their willingness and drive to improve.
They don’t have a lot of friends. Some people are shy. Some people grew up in an isolated setting and didn’t have a lot of opportunities to make friends. Some people have been too busy to socialize. Some people just require less social interaction than others. Some people just have difficulties making friends. Meeting an adult with few friends can raise some eyebrows, but it doesn’t always mean that someone has driven everyone else out of their life - sometimes there’s a more reasonable explanation.
They are deeply in debt. Financial skills are important in a potential partner, and finding out that someone is terrible with money can put an end to an otherwise promising relationship. Being deeply in debt, however, is different from having bad financial skills. Some people have to take out massive loans in order to afford college, because they don’t have financial support from their parents. Trying to start a business, support an unemployed parent or escape a bad marriage can also put a person in debt. Financial mistakes that someone makes in their late teens or early twenties can follow them for decades. It would be a shame to miss out on a potentially wonderful relationship with someone because they decided to take out loans for their MFA when they were 22.
They have never dated before. Again, many people will look at someone with suspicion if they’ve never dated before, especially once you reach your late twenties or older. It’s easy to assume that there must be something wrong with someone if they haven’t dated, or that they will automatically come with extra baggage or insecurities. That’s not necessarily the case. Again, there are a lot of mitigating factors here - they might have devoted most of their time to school thus far, they might have been too shy to pursue romance, or they might have had a chaotic or isolated early life. Maybe the stars have just never aligned for them, or maybe they spent years in love with someone who never returned their affection. There are a lot of possible explanations, and it’s not necessarily a reason to turn someone down.
They have dated or slept with a lot of people. On the flipside, finding out that someone has dated or slept with a lot of people can also give someone pause - it might make you worry that they aren’t capable of commitment, they’re flighty, or they don’t know what they want. It can even make you worry about your own sexual skills, or wonder if they’ll cheat. Having a lot of former partners does not make someone a cheater, however, and it does not make them incapable of having a committed long-term relationship with one person. A lot of people have a period of frequent short relationships in their life - especially with the rise of Tinder - before eventually settling into something more long-term.
They don’t have social media or an online presence. Some people just don’t do social media. They might have concerns about their privacy and their career, or they might simply not see the point of it. It can be frustrating not to be able to access a partner’s social media profiles in today’s day and age, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have something to hide.
They aren’t great at communicating. Communication can be hard for a lot of people, especially if they have never had a healthy relationship modeled for them by their parents or family members. Social anxiety may make it difficult for some people to open up, or they may have absorbed very toxic messages about “sucking it up” and not talking about their feelings. A person who doesn’t always open up about their feelings right away isn’t necessarily being distant or disinterested - it’s possible that they just need more time to warm up,
They have a mental illness. The idea of dating a person with a mental illness can be daunting. There can definitely be additional challenges that come with a mentally ill partner, especially if you’re dealing with mental health issues of your own. But it can be done, and people with mental illnesses can make wonderful, loving and healthy partners. If someone is managing their mental health conditions and knows when they need to seek additional treatment, the impact on the relationship can be fairly minimal.
Red flags are not a one-size-fits-all thing: some people find certain red flags more alarming than others, and having a partner with one or two red flags doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide where you want to draw the line. But if you find that your new partner fits a lot of the items on this list, it might be worth seriously considering if you want the relationship to continue.
