Cleaning up misinformation, one post at a time.

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[trueastrologyfacts]

Photo text: Time heals all wounds, Pisces. Except the gaping shotgun wound in your abdomen. That'll probably kill you.

[trueastrologyfacts]

Photo text: Salamanders, while mostly amphibious, also thrive in many environments such as the Boston club scene

[trueastrologyfacts]

Text: There's nothing an Aries loves more than cinnabon Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm cinnabon

[trueastrologyfacts]

[trueastrologyfacts]

[trueastrologyfacts]

[trueastrologyfacts]

[trueastrologyfacts]

[trueastrologyfacts]

The signs as accessories for the modern era:

Aries: a really fuckin sick sword, like the coolest sword you've ever seen

Taurus: literal angel's wings

Gemini: a jewel-encrusted ornate cane with a dark an mysterious past

Cancer: A lifting bench

Leo: A jet pack on a schedule

Virgo: several corn stalks protruding from the back like a porcupine

Libra: a massive, ancient gyroscopic construct of unknown function

Scorpio: dirt

Sagittarius: A small nuclear arsenal

Capricorn: Helicopter shoes

Aquarius: A film crew that needs to stop at Best Buy to pick up some more SD cards

Pisces: a chemical fire

[trueastrologyfacts]

The signs as quality memes:

Aries: The Nutshack

Taurus: The Nutshack

Gemini: The Nutshack

Cancer: The Nutshack

Leo: The Nutshack

Virgo: The Nutshack

Libra: The Nutshack

Scorpio: The Nutshack

Sagittarius: The Nutshack

Capricorn: The Nutshack

Aquarius: The Nutshack

[trueastrologyfacts]

The signs as things you regret immediately:

Aries: Bear-riding

Taurus: A divorce that she wanted

Gemini: Your 14th jaeger bomb tonight

Cancer: Your early adult life

Leo: A bong hit that was entirely too large

Virgo: Starting a conversation with a cashier that continues after you've paid

Libra: Trying to pass on the right

Scorpio: Rehab

Sagittarius: Spending time with people

Capricorn: Not saving those leftovers

Aquarius: Buying 8 ducks

Pisces: Birth

[trueastrologyfacts]

Stop to ask yourself, Libra: Do you smell like gasoline at inappropriate times?

[trueastrologyfacts]

Time heals all wounds, Pisces. Except that gaping shotgun wound in your abdomen, that will probably kill you.

[trueastrologyfacts]

The signs as unlawful behavior:

Aries: Arson Taurus: Embezzlement Gemini: Insurance fraud Cancer: Jay-walking Leo: Operating without a business license Virgo: Money laundering Libra: Re-feeding parking meters Scorpio: Trafficking stolen goods Sagittarius: Tax evasion Capricorn: Insider trading Aquarius: Grave robbing Pisces: Public urination

[trueastrologyfacts]

The signs as your in-laws:

Aries: Great Aunt Deb Taurus: Gary Gemini: Grandpa Mark Cancer: your nephew, Gary Jr. Leo: Cousin Drew Virgo: Dave (who isn't *technically* an in-law, but they've been friends with your spouse since the two of them were in elementary school) Libra: Uncle Barry Scorpio: the other Uncle Barry Sagittarius: the late Grandma Patches Capricorn: your father-in-law who insists you just call him 'Steve' but he has a ton of biker tattoos and you're too afraid to call him anything but 'Mr. Evans" Aquarius: Aunt Marge Pisces: Creepy Uncle Ed

[trueastrologyfacts]

NASA doesn’t give a fuck about you and the FDA is actually sending your neighbor anon hate.

[trueastrologyfacts]

Where does the time go, Taurus? Follow it. Take the stairs so it doesn't see you in the elevator. Follow its car until it is home. You need not pursue the time any further now. You know where it goes.