This month on July 18 my 2nd son turning 12 years of age, I hope he, along with his brothers and mother and all their loved once, are doing great preparing for celebrations, as my first sons birthday is on July 24th and my youngest son Leo-Cosumo turning 8 on august 10th, less then month from now.
In july 2020, myself and my wife decided to separate. I insisted on divorce various times during our conflictive uneasy relationship which became very apparent during year of 2020. I decided that is best that we separate, for at least short time, or even divorce , but at that time I did not know in Japan there is a tradition of Single custody law, meaning once upon the divorce, only one parent remaining as sole custodian, and in many cases , in 99% to be exact,  the kids stay with mother and father becomes deprived of the children, entirely or partially, depending on the decision of the custodian, in this case of my wife Akiko Trush. During late summer of 2020, precisely around these dates, 2020 being famous for the greatest corona crisis, I lost control of the situation and I moved to Hokaido to work. My family visited me in Hokaido in august , I sponsored their trip , spending around 300,000 jpy on the 5 days trip. During this period I was not sure If I could continue living the lie so I tried to remain in Hokaido for longer period,  but as time went by I started to go crazy, I realzed then that I cant live without the boys, when they departed Hokaido on August 19th, to return to Tokyo, I started crying as I saw them disappear into the gates;  at that moment I only remember that I have never felt so sad and lonely seeing my boys leave. While in Hokaido I started working as Uber delivery guy and as manager of a hostel, so I was working but  I tried to talk to my boys on the phone  but it was not easy as my younger son at that time was barely 4, phone calls were extremely rare and i could only hear them say one two words and disappear. In October I received a letter from my wife asking for divorce. At this point I realized tha this is the point of no return. Even though despite the fact that I was initially the one who insisted on divorce, I knew something smelling fishy, something isnt what it may or may be not.,. At that point I did not know again, what divorce means in terms of your right as a parent. Nevertheless, I started to oppose to the divorce, requesting her motives. Only today, Now after 4 years, I came to an understanding that divorce was an easy escape goat, it was a prompt fix, a solution to a problems that couples face when they get in such stage of a relationship. Mind you my dear, to comprehend one little but important asset,  I knew my wife since 2004. yes now exactly 20 years passed since we met. Going back to divorce, Her motives were not so clear but I got an idea. I was not good enough for her. I did not succeed as a business man, I was not a good father (according to her based on what she or her lawyer states in the court), and on top I was violent and abusive man,. I keep on asking myself once and so often, why to stay in a relationship with such piece of crap man like myself, have 3 beautiful boys and only after 15 years of living and breathing together, making music, building a future for a children, to begin being so ruthless? After being alone for 4 years now, as she took the boys and left the house in December of 2020, I had plenty of time to contemplate on the past, I realized one thing for sure, something went really wrong at one point of our relationship, and I did not manage to decipher and propose a treaty. Its hard to say now when my wife lost interest in being with me, but I am guessing it began in 2013-14. Here is a small fact about me, that I found out not too long ago, that I was extremely attracted to my wife, I was always desiring her and the more time passed the more I wanted to be next to her, in return all I got is a favor, so to speak. Later on she told me she aint my whore and I better go and find one. I wish I had this conversation recorded. I did not record much of what was happening between us all this years, but she did. May be it was all a script and I was just playing a role of sperm donor? I probably never find the true answer to this question. During our living together moments, I tried to avoid conflicts but on 2020 I faced with the dilemma- to be or not to be. I admit, at some point I crossed the line and I said too much... "that’s me in the corner That’s me in the spotlight
Trying to keep up with you And I don’t know if I can do it, Oh no, I’ve said too much and I haven’t said enough"
I spoke directly and I could not control my rage. as I recall, something in her attitude triggered the dark side of me. I still don’t comprehend fully if I was just being me or being a reflection of her. Mirror effect so to speak?. All I wished was probably to manifest my inner soul, to finally come and face the consequences of our wrongdoing. Yes not just mine but as a couple we must both take responsibilities for our actions.
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