Lets Start Over @try-tounderstand - Tumblr Blog

I just want someone to care like I do.

I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. Is it the empathy in me? Sometimes I wonder if I don’t say enough. But I don’t want anyone to feel bad.

Tonight I’m thinking about my parents a lot. I wonder if they’re happy. Like actually happy. I’ve been noticing something with them. I don’t think they’re happy. I think dad wants to just relax and do his own thing but mom sees that as laziness. She wants things done and she wants dad to do them with her. And that’s not a bad thing. I think the struggle is with how it’s presented. I think she is noticing his push back and it’s making her worse. I don’t want to say she’s disrespectful but it kind of comes off that way.

I think they both need a hobby. I need to get mom more independent. I think she feels a little insecure about that. She doesn’t have much outside of him and that can cause an issue.

I also think she’s coping with shopping. Maybe it’s the fact she never had anything growing up. Or much even when we were growing up. Maybe I help fuel that. And that makes me incredibly sad. I don’t want her to focus on the materialistic things because in the end, none of that will matter. There’s multiple reasons why this worries me. I think it drives a wedge in between them. All this hard work to go to more things. I think they both have this live in the moment mindset and while that isn’t the worst, I don’t think it makes them happy. I think it’s a cover up. I think they want to have these things and spend this money to show they’ve made it. But have you made it if you aren’t happy?

And this is what I mean when I don’t want anyone to feel bad. I want them to recognize this but I don’t want anyone to hurt. I think things need to change but I don’t want anyone to feel like a problem.

I wonder if therapy would help. And not like full on meet in person therapy because I don’t think anyone would go for that but maybe a book or an online session. I think mom needs someone to talk to and vent to that’s not dad. Since he is everything else in her life.

I don’t know.

I don’t like this.

Manifesting this:

A goofy, kind, loving, funny, handsome, intelligent, fit doctor.

Is that too specific??

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“Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.”

— Unknown

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“If you have to beg someone to be in your life, they don’t deserve to be there.”

— Mandy Hale

try-tounderstand

I’m really trying to remind myself of this. But why do I always want what I can’t have?

I feel like it’s always the same thing and I don’t know what that says about me. They say if you keep attracting the same thing over and over again, then maybe you should look within. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to. Why is so ridiculous to expect to not be taken advantage of? Why is that on me? It’s always the same. I try and try and try and it doesn’t fucking matter. Nothing matters. I don’t know how to get off of this train, but it’s making me sick.

Life is wild. Relationships are wild. I’ve been feeling weird for a few days now. You’re about to leave-probably forever- and I have so many emotions. I feel like I need to write them down. I feel like no one will understand. I feel like I did this to myself again. I’ve fallen for you and I shouldn’t have. I knew from the very beginning you wouldn’t be here for long. 2 months. We had 2 months together. And I fell in love. You’re everything I want. Tall, handsome, smart, funny. And you just get me. We have so many inside jokes. So many things we relate to. But there’s no commitment. And there can’t be. Soon you’ll be thousands of miles away and who knows when we will see each other again. If we’ll see each other again. No plans. No future. No us. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m insecure. I know you’ve done this before. But I can’t believe you’ve had the same connection with someone else. There’s no way. I wish I knew what you were thinking but I’m scared to ask. You’ve told me a little bit but I don’t know if you just don’t want to admit it. I know your past. I know someone hurt you. So much that you’re afraid of anything long term. You told me short term is better for you but baby, our long term would truly be worth it. We could be worth it. And it hurts we will never know. But I’ll take the memories and cherish the time we spent together. I’ll bite my tongue when I want to tell you I love you. But just know, I’ll always think of you.

We are meant to be together. You aren’t ready for it right now, but that’s okay. You’ll come back and we will live happily ever after. How do I know this? Because I can feel it. I can feel that we were made for one another. It’s just makes sense. We get each other better than anyone else gets us. We have a bond that cannot be compared with any other. We will end up together, you’ll see.

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I’m not happy. There are so many reasons but most of them stem from you. You’ve been mean. You’ve been selfish. You’ve been untrustworthy. I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel cared for. I feel like you don’t care. I feel like if I left tonight you wouldn’t care. And that hurts. That hurts so fucking much.

You’ve been so mean and unsupportive lately. And no it isn’t me just being sensitive. I’ll feel good and confident about myself and then you always say something to tear me down. You make me feel like I’m not good enough for you. That I can’t do anything right. You always have a negative comment about everything.

You don’t even hold my hand anymore. You don’t even kiss me anymore. The only time you tell me you love me is before bed. I need more than that.

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Poems & Words

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Signs that You’re Being Manipulated

1. They twist your words and use them against you.

2. They’re mean – but then they say that you misunderstood them.

3. They make you feel guilty for saying, no.

4. They act coldly towards you if you don’t do what they want.

5. You never feel as if you meet their expectations.

6. You feel as if you’re walking on eggshells all the time.

7. You feel very confused by the relationship.

8. You constantly feel anxious about the relationship.

9. You’re not allowed to have your own views and opinions.

10.They cause you to question your sanity.

So today I got home from work and my boyfriend had been drinking. Which is fine, he’s very loving when he drinks. A little rough, but loving. He was telling me how much he loves me and how I make him a better person and that he wants to be with me forever. But then tells me he redownloaded tinder. Yep tinder. The app you use to seek out potential fuck mates. I am completely heartbroken. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. The first is how could he. I feel as though everything he’s said is a lie. And I’m disappointed because I thought things were getting so much better between us. I feel like a fucking fool. Now I have to talk to him about it tomorrow when he’s sober. He probably won’t even remember. I just can’t do this anymore. I love him so much but I feel like I’m just not enough for him. And at this point all he’s doing is hurting me. I think it’s time to let go. I think it’s time to move on. Regardless how much it hurts. This just isn’t right and I don’t know if it ever will be.

I just want to die.

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“I know it’s a hard lesson to learn, but the truth is you can’t love yourself and love someone who hurts you at the same time. Choose you.”

— Unknown

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