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@trying-my-best-over-here
So my therapist told me she is retiring today. I left the appointment early and thatās it. Why drag the ending out. She gave me referrals, but I think we both know that I am not going to take them. Honestly I donāt know what I am going to do. I feel abandoned even though I know it is a professional relationship and her choice to retire is not about me. I feel hopeless.
Iām replaceable.
July 16th, 2023
Worked in the NICU last night. It was a nice change from my last shift. My babies were the two best behaved and the other nurse with me had 2 super fussy babies. The main difference is I bundled my kids with their arms down and the other nurse kept their arms free. I am a firm believer that ALL babies like to be tightly swaddled.
Hopefully I am going to get some new scrubs this week, most of mine are one quick move away from ripping the last thread š¬
July 10th, 2023
Another night in the cardiac icu. I had the same patient as last night and admitted a newborn right before shift change. My newborn patient was admitted for SVT and I havenāt had a patient with this arrhythmia before. Their heart rate was so high and they werenāt responding to ice or other vagal maneuvers. We had to give them another round of adenosine, which was also a good learning experience because it takes 2 people to administer the medication. I also got to hang out/work with one of my unit coworkers which is usually pretty rare.
The book Iām reading is hitting a little too close to home, but I want to finish it. I think I will bring it up in therapy next week, since she is out of town this week.
Walking into work last night felt different because I remembered that we are finally getting a shift differential for our unit.
Iām back tonight, but only for 8 hours. Kind of hoping I end up somewhere other than the cardiac icu.
July 9th, 2023
I think I am more than a little overdue for a ātime to change my lifeā phase. Iām tired of feeling completely helpless when it comes to my personal choices. Iām tired of feeling like I am chasing a boulder down a hill, unable to stop it or even slow it down.
Last night I worked in the cardiac icu and had 1 patient. It was an easy night. Iām always confused how I am able to read my book some nights when I am in an icu, but too busy to even get my book out of my bag on a general care floor. I recently finished the first Harry Potter book (which I am ashamed I am even reading given all of the disapproval I have over the author). Iām waiting on the second book to arrive on my front porch from Amazon.
I also recently spoke to my manager about filling out the paperwork for FMLA, so I donāt get dinged for attendance when I need a mental health day.
I guess we will see how newly committed I am to posting. I really would prefer to journal, but I donāt want to carry a notebook around everywhere.
Iām scheduled to have a psychological assessment next week to get a definitive diagnosis. My therapist thinks I have OCD but my psych APRN is not sure, therefore Iāve been referred to a psychologist to get the testing done. I will say that the new med I am on (which is for OCD) has decreased my SI thoughts (which my therapist thinks are a symptom of OCD). So thatās a good thing I guess.
I donāt know why Iām having such a hard time accepting the fact that I almost definitely have ocd.
I think I made the right decision by being a float nurse. But it is crazy to think about how I literally work everywhere. Since August I have worked on 13 out of 15 units I am trained to work on. I start my PICU training this fall and I will do my cardiac icu training sometime next year.
I understand why my work friends think it would be hard being on a different unit each shift, but the feeling of not being tied to one unit is so nice. Everyone asks me which unit is my favorite and I honestly donāt have a favorite. At the moment I canāt see myself working full time on any of the units. I like working with a variety of patients and ages. I feel like I get to use a wide range of nursing skills. Some nights I have oncology patients who have central lines with TPN/lipids and other nights I take care of baseline healthy kids who are admitted for T&As. I know how to take care of tiny NICU babies and kids with cardiac diagnoses.
I also am proud that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by choosing this job. I am very much a person who likes to be in control and plan ahead. But this job has made me be flexible and adapt when things donāt go as planned.
My APRN and therapist want me to consider ECT or ketamine treatments. The only things holding me back are figuring out how to explain it to my parents and how/if it would effect my job.
My last 2 nights at work I floated to units I had never been to yet. I had my first night on the pulmonary/endocrine floor and my second night started on the trach/vent floor and ended with me on the hospital med floor. Iām trying to push myself to go to floors I havenāt been to yet, because I know if I donāt I will just stick to what I already know. Both nights werenāt bad, but I did end up communicating with providers more than I am used to.
The moment a "mental health advocate" brings up "narcissistic abuse", "how to tell if your partner is a narcissist" or "my ex was a complete sociopath/psychopath" I stop listening because they've lost all credibility to me. That is not how these terms are used. Narcissistic abuse isn't real, it's just regular abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis and you are not qualified to diagnose people around you. Narcissist isn't a synonym for abuser, bad person, or person you don't like. "Psycho" is not a word you should use to describe anyone. Don't use mental health diagnoses as insults. Educate yourself.
My therapist brought out her serious voice today during our appointment. I donāt like when her voice changes like that, but I know she is only concerned about me and my safety. I just feel like Iām disappointing her.
Hi @jaycrawler (nice to meet you btw) you bring up a good point about the importance of therapy being a tool to work on an individualās self improvement. I think it is also important to consider that the success of therapy is also dependent on the therapeutic relationship between the client and therapist. Each therapist/client dynamic is different. And sometimes the therapeutic relationship that has been built has taken years to cultivate and depends on mutual respect and compassion.
Itās also important to remember that this is an online social media platform, which is often used for anonymity and an outlet for individuals.
That being said, the relationship I have with my therapist has been through a lot over the 5 years we have worked together and the fear of disappointing her is very real for me (and is a pretty big deal for me to admit, let alone on the internet).
Basically my point is therapy is a topic that can be hard to give advice on and take everything that is said online with a grain of salt.
My therapist brought out her serious voice today during our appointment. I donāt like when her voice changes like that, but I know she is only concerned about me and my safety. I just feel like Iām disappointing her.
I said I would work tonight in the NICU, but I hope they call me off. Although I know it is better for me to work then have more time by myself at this point.
I got called off, thank god.
I said I would work tonight in the NICU, but I hope they call me off. Although I know it is better for me to work then have more time by myself at this point.
Iām hoping tonightās 8hr shift is better than Mondayās. It was my first time floating on the days team and my first 4hrs was less than ideal and the second 4 hours was much better. I have decided that working 3pm-11pm is probably always bad because of shift change and the high probability of floating halfway through. It took me too long to give report on my first unit and then I was late getting report on the second unit.
So basically I will take anything that was better than the last shift.
Tonight was better. I was on the trach/ventilator floor and I didnāt get floated mid way. My assignment was split mid shift and so that was dumb/confusing. And everything went mostly well except one of my kids got poop everywhere and so I was stuck in their room for a long time trying to clean them up and so I was almost late on my other kids meds.
I got to work with my preceptor for half the shift too, so that was nice because as a float nurse I donāt get to work with other nurses from my unit often.
Iām hoping tonightās 8hr shift is better than Mondayās. It was my first time floating on the days team and my first 4hrs was less than ideal and the second 4 hours was much better. I have decided that working 3pm-11pm is probably always bad because of shift change and the high probability of floating halfway through. It took me too long to give report on my first unit and then I was late getting report on the second unit.
So basically I will take anything that was better than the last shift.
