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kristin • 22 my blog does the describing for me ask appearance mine writings

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not that anyone has ever cared about anything ive ever said on this site in the past (!) but hello i guess.

i have lots of updates- most i will not share -but ive grown a lot into myself which is something i’m quite comfortable saying. in doing that, everything kinda fell into place which is nice. of course, getting comfortable or getting to where i am took therapy, a lot of change, and a lot of trust in myself. phew what a journey. 2020 and 2021 were filled with a lot of different whirlwinds and chaos but honestly it was a brighter time after the times i’ve had. i’m learning to trust that things take time and things get better, and of course it’s scary as a skeptic but it has been … nice? i’m still skeptic haha

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i’m still learning on how to express myself and it’s been a realllyyyyy hard battle especially when i feel like i don’t really know who i am still. i’m always scared and always really nervous on how people view me and it really blocks my view on how i even feel about myself. i can’t really tell if i’ve made process or if this entire rebranding is a phase but i do feel good in a sense. just being by myself since march (thanks covid) has taught me a lot about myself and i like the route i’m going. i was able to get instagram again and not compare my feed or myself to others so that’s a start! i’ve bought clothes that make me feel better about myself and i’m getting more tattoos and changing up my hair and i do feel like i’m going in a direction where i’ll be most comfortable with myself. i know this is always going to be a battle but i want to feel like i’m winning it at least. part of me gets hit with the “why are you doing this it isn’t going to fulfil you” but holy shit i’m so tired of caring about fulfillment and finding happiness. i’m so tired of my mind fighting with myself on what is going to make me happy or not. if i care about my expression and who i am, let me care!!!! let me learn to like myself and learn that i don’t need or want other’s approval!!! please jesus i literally just want to be content with myself cause i do believe to some extent that i need to love myself before i learn to love others or whatnot. in november, my friend told me that i have so much going on that trying to gain feelings for someone else or simply have the time for them is pointless, and she was right. maybe this doesn’t really apply to my battle with myself on how to like myself but putting myself first, trying to figure myself out, and taking care of my needs and self still feels pretty important and necessary right now. writing that made my feel like whatever i’m doing is right and healthy and okay. i don’t wanna feel like i’m wasting time but i think i’ve put this entire concept on pause for a while and i’m finally doing it, making me feel like i wasted time already just getting here. well, better late than never. i even feel ready to get a tattoo for one of my likes (it’s coraline). like i put little things like that on pause cause i get scared of not liking it in the future but i feel ready to just add to myself and make me feel more like me without worrying. i’m finally figuring myself out and what i want to be, i guess. it’s been rlly exhausting and i don’t even think i’m making sense but i’m really trying my best here to just realize what i like and what i want and who i am, and i really think i’m getting there. also i am getting therapy this month which is a huge step and that one little think makes me feel good about my choices and regrowth!

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anyway hi!

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i’m still learning on how to express myself and it’s been a realllyyyyy hard battle especially when i feel like i don’t really know who i am still. i’m always scared and always really nervous on how people view me and it really blocks my view on how i even feel about myself. i can’t really tell if i’ve made process or if this entire rebranding is a phase but i do feel good in a sense. just being by myself since march (thanks covid) has taught me a lot about myself and i like the route i’m going. i was able to get instagram again and not compare my feed or myself to others so that’s a start! i’ve bought clothes that make me feel better about myself and i’m getting more tattoos and changing up my hair and i do feel like i’m going in a direction where i’ll be most comfortable with myself. i know this is always going to be a battle but i want to feel like i’m winning it at least. part of me gets hit with the “why are you doing this it isn’t going to fulfil you” but holy shit i’m so tired of caring about fulfillment and finding happiness. i’m so tired of my mind fighting with myself on what is going to make me happy or not. if i care about my expression and who i am, let me care!!!! let me learn to like myself and learn that i don’t need or want other’s approval!!! please jesus i literally just want to be content with myself cause i do believe to some extent that i need to love myself before i learn to love others or whatnot. in november, my friend told me that i have so much going on that trying to gain feelings for someone else or simply have the time for them is pointless, and she was right. maybe this doesn’t really apply to my battle with myself on how to like myself but putting myself first, trying to figure myself out, and taking care of my needs and self still feels pretty important and necessary right now. writing that made my feel like whatever i’m doing is right and healthy and okay. i don’t wanna feel like i’m wasting time but i think i’ve put this entire concept on pause for a while and i’m finally doing it, making me feel like i wasted time already just getting here. well, better late than never. i even feel ready to get a tattoo for one of my likes (it’s coraline). like i put little things like that on pause cause i get scared of not liking it in the future but i feel ready to just add to myself and make me feel more like me without worrying. i’m finally figuring myself out and what i want to be, i guess. it’s been rlly exhausting and i don’t even think i’m making sense but i’m really trying my best here to just realize what i like and what i want and who i am, and i really think i’m getting there. also i am getting therapy this month which is a huge step and that one little think makes me feel good about my choices and regrowth!

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Ok here

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havent done a music playlist in a minute and i’m bored and can’t sleep so

claws x charli xcx - true queen of new-age pop stop sleeping on her

if you’re too shy (let me know) x the 1975 - yep i’m back on this bullshit. damn their marketing or matty’s mind really know how to dive back in and get fans to love them again. this is a real treat i think anyone would want from an indie band - going back to their ROOTS.

caramelldansen x caramella girls - i’m not explaining this one

venture x jaron - if i were to make music it would be like this kid’s

electronic memories x k?d and mickey kojak - basic edm song but k?d is really hot and i have a big crush tbh

cinderella x instupendo - me and some guy on tinder decided to make a curated playlist and i found this one on there. he opened for madeon and it’s just dang good.

money machine x 100gecs - yep this is happening in conclusion my music taste is just unpredictable and i just like what i like now!

mason jar x smallpools - old oldddd 2013 indie pop. a really nostalgic song. been wanting to feel like this again.

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YO HELP THE TWITTER AC COMMUNITY IS BEING EXTRA IM JUST LOOKIN TO SEEK MY TURNIPS PLS IF ANYONE HAS A HIGH TURNIP PRICE LMK PLS :(

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yup here’s more not tagging cause ppl r weird

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woke up and said “how extra can i be today!”

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fucking losing it wishing it was 2014 listening to a lot of smallpools and lorde. have tons of nostalgia and restlessness wishing i was young and having the freedom i have now. it’s a really weird concept and i just have this frustration my youth is gone. it just feels like how it did in 2014 and the fact it isn’t makes me feel some extreme ways.

[selena-soto]

breaking bad walked so ozark could run

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you know what? you might not be wrong.

i loved breaking bad sooo much especially walt’s character development buttttt.... with ozark... seeing the shift from marty to wendy and HER character development was unexpected and extremely satisfying. characters such as ruth and ben are also incredibly entertaining to watch and make viewers really have a lot of love for other storylines. extremely refreshing television to watch.

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didn’t expect to love taking pictures in animal crossing so much!!! me and my sis loved this game since middle school and playing new horizons is extremely cathartic and lovely.

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me and my mocha. she’s a real queen of quarantine while i’m stuck still having to go to work ;_;

hope everyone is staying safe :( it’s quite hard for some.

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i miss it so much. i have so many pictures that i keep looking at to remind myself it was real... like iceland is right outta botw’s hebra mountains i’m not even kidding.

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another perfect experience.

horseback riding on an icelandic horse through a lava field! i felt like link in the hebra mountains hehe. it started out with perfect, sunny weather then started snowing at the last ten minutes! it was beautiful!!!!!

the horses are the SWEETEST and SO FLUFFY. once we got off they were licking the snow off of us and wouldn’t let us leave. it was truly perfect.

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blue lagoon!!!!!!

this has been on my bucketlist for a long time, and it DID NOT DISAPPOINT. it was a gigantic sea of hot water. it snowed as well and was just perfect for the weather.

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iceland in winter is absolutely insane.

also hi yeah i’m in iceland gonna spam your dashboards now

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all i’ve been doing is rewatching bojack (for escapism and theraputic reasons)

i also work like 30 hours a week at a job that ~has nothing to do with my degree~ BUT i did get into the disney college program and that’s truly exciting since this is something i’ve wanted since i was a kid.

also going to iceland next month too which has been on my bucketlist forever so!!! again exciting.

but i don’t feel.. fulfilled lol. like at all. idk like i don’t feel the excitement i should and it’s stressing me out and i think it’s just all the stress i have that like worries me more and pushes all the excitement i have.

i also think that like i’m someone who really appreciates relationships over materialistic things, which is normal. i love my friends and even last night i had such a great time with them but i’m seriously craving more of these relationships and i just wanna be around people all the time recently. this also really prompts me to wanna go out ALOT and just dance but also start drinking again?? which like scares me.

i’ve been sober for a while (not actually bc i did try smoking a little while back and it didn’t go well lol) and was gonna give up trying to drink but ugh it sucks to say but i really wanna feel something different. and i don’t want to be like that at all i’m someone who really appreciates how i can have fun without drinking (no offense) but i just want a new push. this doesn’t feel healthy at all and i’m aware of that which makes me really not wanna try...

but i just miss having fun. and feeling things. i’m so tired of feeling so dull and numb all the time. i stopped the birth control in an attempt to go back to how i felt when i was 19 and i still feel the same. and maybe this is me just adulting and maturing but i feel like i missed out on so much these past 3 years because i’ve become this person. it doesn’t hurt to try right? and remind myself that i still don’t like drinking? but what if it’s the opposite and i like it? and i go down a road i wanted to prevent?

i... i’ve been putting off calling a therapist for a while. i have a recommendation saved in my phone all ready to call but i just don’t do it. i still am struggling to figure out why i don’t call. i have no reasons not to do it but i still think it’s a big step to just do it. it’s like every night i say “ok tomorrow i’ll call” and then the morning of i’m like “well i don’t know i feel good today.. what if i don’t have the car...” and its excuses i know. maybe like i’m just not ready and maybe that makes sense but i just don’t know why i don’t fucking call cause i do know deep down i need it.

ok anyway guess i needed to rant did not mean for this to happen lol