Regret
Summary: After Groff almost kills JJ in Morocco, and the pogues are back in Kildare with no crown, JJ feels like his life is a mess. Kiara finds him on the roof and faces JJ’s worst thoughts head on.
Warnings: su!c!dal ideations, su!c!de attempt, hospital, super angsty
“JJ?” Kiara shouts.
She’s looking up at him from the grass, the only thought going through her head had been to find him.
She was sleeping when she’d turned around to their shared bed being cold, where JJ’s body should’ve been. She rolled her eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but when he hadn’t come back after a while, she got worried.
So she found herself walking throughout the house and eventually outside.
“JJ, what are you doing up there?”
“Just go back inside, Kie.” His voice hiccups as he talks.
“Jayj, talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“Of course I’m going to worry. I’m coming up there.
“No, don’t!” he shouts down at her.
“You saying that is exactly why I’m coming up.”
She walks around the house and halts herself up the ladder that John B had placed there when they first purchased Poguelandia. She climbs up and shuffles over to JJ. He’s sitting on the side of the roof now. His legs dangling over. She sits down next to him.
“Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Oh, yeah? Then why are you standing on the roof at two in the morning?” she asks.
JJ doesn’t answer. Instead, he turns his head away from her and looks out at the water.
“Jayj, it’s me.”
“I know,” he answers. “That’s why.”
“Why you won’t talk to me?”
“I don’t deserve you. You deserve someone better. I can’t give you the life you should have.”
“What? Where is this coming from?” she asks, bewildered. “This is the life I want, Jayj. A life with you. With the pogues. P4L, remember?”
JJ sits there in silence for a moment. “Not only do I have two dads, but they’re both pieces of shit. One tried to kill me and the other hit me ‘til I bled then abandoned me. You deserve someone who’s not fucked up.”
“Okay, maybe you’re a little fucked up,” Kiara giggles, trying to lighten the mood. “But your dads don’t define you. You aren’t like them. Yeah, they were horrible to you and you don’t have to forget about that, but we can work through it. Together.”
Silence.
“Tell me the truth. Why are you up here?” she questions him again.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
She’s pretty sure she knows the answer to her next question, but she asks anyway. “Can’t do what anymore, Jayj?”
“Life,” he answers.
“Were you planning on…” she looks down at the ground.
“Something like that,” he says.
Her stomach turns. She looks over and sees a bottle of Tito’s next to where he was standing earlier.
“You’ve been drinking up here, too?”
“You know me,” he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
A pit forms in her stomach. If she hadn’t woken up, would she have found his body in the morning? Or John B? Pope?
“We need to get you help,” she says. Tears sting her eyes. She wants to be strong, so she doesn’t let them fall. Yet.
“I don’t need help, Kie. I need it to be over.”
“So you want to leave me here? Alone?” She wants to guilt trip him. Wants to make him rethink his choices. She knows he has to fight for himself, for his own life, but right now her priority is to get him off this roof with her— alive.
“You wouldn’t be alone. You have the pogues. I’m just getting in your way.”
“Why do you think that? Because it’s not true. And maybe it’s my fault for making you feel like that,” she ponders.
“No, Kie. None of this is your fault.”
“And it’s not yours either.” She takes his hand in hers. “Come on, let’s get down. It’s getting chilly.”
“You go on, I’ll come down in a little bit.”
“You really think I’m going to let you stay up here by yourself? Come on.” She smiles at him, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Okay,” he says, in defeat.
She lets go of his hand and guides him to the ladder. When they reach the ground, Kie envelops JJ in a hug. She squeezes him tight and lets her head drop into the space between his neck and shoulder.
“Please, Jayj. You need help,” she whispers into his ear.
He lets go of her, but his hands are still sitting on her hips. “I don’t need that shrink junk, Kie. I’m fine.”
Kie steps back. “Fine? You were about to kill youself. You’re telling me it’s fine?” she says, anger creeping up in her voice.
“Kie…”
“No. We’re getting you help. I don’t care if I have to drag you there myself.”
“Okay,” JJ resigns.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
She smiles and wraps her arms around him again. “Thank you.”
They walk inside and go back to their room. Laying down, Kie wraps her arm around him as they fall back asleep.
—
When Kie wakes up, she finds JJ’s side of the bed empty again. Her heart races a little, worried after last night’s events.
She gets up and walks into the hallway. She passes by the other pogues’ rooms and sees them all asleep. John B’s arm is thrown over Sarah’s torso. She walks by Pope’s room to see Cleo’s body entangled with his. She smiles and keeps on walking.
The bathroom door is closed, so she checks to see if JJ’s in there.
She knocks on the door once. No answer.
Her heart skips a beat. She knocks again. “JJ?”
She assumes he isn’t there, but something pulls her to try twisting the doorknob. Locked.
“JJ!” she yells, pounding on the door. “Open the door!” She keeps frantically knocking and pulling the doorknob.
When no noise comes from the other side, she pushes herself into the door, trying to break it down.
She hears footsteps running up behind her.
John B.
“Kie? What’s going on?”
“It’s JJ,” she manages to say as she continues pushing the door. “Help me!”
John B, in a haze of sleepiness, comes up next to Kiara and pushes the door with her. He pushes her aside and slams his body, with full force, against the door. Wood chips fall from the side and the door gives out. John B pushes it open the rest of the way.
“JJ!” he shouts.
Kiara pushes into the bathroom and gasps. On the floor is JJ, passed out cold. An orange bottle of pills sits on the counter, empty.
“No!” she yells. “No!”
Awakened from all the noise, Pope appears at the door. “What’s happening?” he asks. He sees JJ on the floor, the panic in his voice creeping out, “JJ, what happened?”
Kiara doesn’t answer. Instead, she yells at them. “Call 9-1-1. Call them now!”
Her heart is beating out of her chest. She feels like she’s going to pass out from her heart racing, but she takes a few deep breaths in to stay focused for him. For JJ. Her JJ.
She bends down to his chest and listens for breathing. “He’s breathing, but barely!” she yells at John B, who’s on the phone with 9-1-1.
He puts the phone on speaker. “You have to breathe for him,” the man on the line says. “I can walk you through it.”
Kiara doesn’t wait for him to finish his sentence. She takes her fingers and pinches JJ’s nose. Her mouth sits on his and she blows as much air as she can into his lungs. She does that a few times, oblivious to what the operator is saying. Her focus is on JJ and JJ only.
She feels for his pulse. It’s faint, but it’s there, too.
Within a few minutes, the paramedics crowd the bathroom and Kiara is pushed outside. She sees the world through tunnel vision and starts yelling at them. “You have to save him! What are you doing?” she shouts.
John B holds her back. She thrashes against his hold, but he doesn’t let her out of his grip. He stays strong for both of them. “Kie, you have to let them do their job.”
“He needs me!”
“I know, but right now he needs professionals who can make sure he doesn’t die on us, okay?” he assures her.
She starts to hyperventilate, but stops fighting against John B. “It’s my fault,” she whispers to herself. “It’s my fault.”
“Hey, stop that. This is not your fault.”
Pope comes up to them. “They’re taking him to the hospital. I told them we’d drive right behind,” he informs them. “You guys go. I’ll get some of his stuff and meet you there with Cleo and Sarah. Go!”
Kiara didn’t need to be told twice. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed the Twinkie’s keys.
“Kie! Let me drive.”
“No!” She slams the front door open, watching the ambulance lights as it drives away. She gets in the driver’s seat as John B opens the passenger door.
She turns on the Twinkie and races right behind the ambulance.
—
The world feels dark as JJ opens his eyes. And if he’s opening his eyes, that means it didn’t work. A pang of shame hits his chest.
He feels something in his hand, he grumbles as he lifts his head up to see an IV stuck in his vein. He looks around and squints at the bright hospital lights.
He’s in the hospital.
He looks around, his head feeling like a dead weight, and sees Kiara curled up in a chair next to him. Her curls are falling on her face, and she’s got her legs pulled up.
He didn’t want this. He wanted to free her of him. Of his burden on her.
A tear falls down his face.
He wants out.
He yanks the IV out of his hand and slowly starts to get up. As he pushes the hospital blanket off of him, a nurse walks in.
“Hey, sweet-pea. Let’s get back to bed, okay?” she says warmly.
“I can’t be here,” he says.
Kiara stirs awake.
“You have to be,” she informs him. She walks over to put a new IV in his hand. When she does that, all hell breaks loose. JJ thrashes against her hold.
The nurse calls for assistance. A man and a woman run into the room, and help keep JJ down. Hands are all over him and he wants to do nothing but escape.
“Let me go,” he cries out. “Just let me go!”
“I’m sorry, but we can’t do that,” one of the nurses says.
Their hold on him is getting stronger the more he thrashes against them.
Kiara has been ushered against the wall by another nurse, trying to get her away from JJ’s outburst.
“JJ, let them help!” she shouts. Her hands are in her hair, tears running down her face as she watches the nurses try to hold him down. “Please, Jayj!”
He seems to register her voice, and his fighting starts to die down, but by the time he’s ready to stop, it’s too late. A new nurse has already stabbed him in the leg with a needle, and he’s out cold.
—
“Is that really necessary?” Kiara asks, watching a nurse tie down JJ with restraints.
“I’m sorry, but it is. He got violent with the nurses and is on suicide watch too. It’s just a precaution. It’s to keep him safe,” she explains.
Kiara doesn’t argue. She’s too mentally drained.
John B came back from the bathroom right after the whole fight with the nurses ordeal and tried to comfort her, but nothing worked. Now he’s out getting her food because even though she won’t admit she’s hungry, she is.
Pope came by with Cleo and Sarah, but they’re letting Kiara have the room to herself. Pope comes by every ten minutes, though, because he’s worried sick. Always asking the doctor questions in the hallway, and putting a hand on Kie’s shoulder.
Kiara watches JJ’s chest rise and fall, then looks down at the restraints on his wrist and ankles. As long as he’s alive and gets help, she doesn’t care how it’s done.
She wants him to know he’s loved. She wants him to remember what being happy feels like.
Her stomach drops thinking about JJ’s reaction to being tied down in the hospital. It’s going to be a nightmare.
—
JJ feels groggy when he wakes up. His eyes flutter open to the same hospital room. He turns to see an IV is back in his hand, but his wrist is tied down.
“JJ, it’s okay,” a voice says to him on his right. Kie.
He looks over at his other wrist and it’s restrained too. He pulls his arm towards him, but he can’t get free. He tries to sit up and finds his ankles are stuck too. He yanks against the restraints, but to no avail.
“JJ, I’m sorry. They said it was for your safety.”
“My safety?” he chokes out, his face scrunching in embarrassment.
“You were fighting the nurses. And you’re on suicide watch.” She whispers that last part.
“Suicide watch. Huh. Well, I’m fine, Kie.”
“No you’re not!” she yells. “Stop pretending you are! The doctors won’t see through your bullshit, okay? Stop fighting against them. And me.” Her voice goes soft. “You can tell me anything, Jayj. I’m the last person who would ever judge you. I love you. Please don’t shut me out.”
JJ stares at her. Not in a bad way. He stares at her soft skin, her sweet eyes, and wonders what he did to deserve her.
“How long am I going to be here for?” he asks, turning his head away from her.
“I’m not sure yet. But they were going to admit you into involuntary psych care.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, so just go by yourself, your own accord, you know? I know how you hate when people make decisions for you. So let this be yours.” She sits in the silence for a moment. “It’s going to happen either way,” she tells him.
JJ nods and stares ahead at the wall. “I’m gonna be okay?”
Kiara scoots closer, holding his hand that has the IV. “Yes, Jayj. You will. And I’m going to be with you every step of the way.”
A tear slips down his face. Kiara senses that he’s trying to be strong for her. And a part of her is upset. Upset that he’s always holding up a facade and never wants to admit when something’s wrong.
But another part of her is sad. He pulls at her heart strings in a way that makes her want to hold him and never let go.
He’s always the one with a plan. Now, he has to let others do that for him. Make a plan for him. He feels his autonomy slipping, but he knows the best thing to do is voluntarily admit himself into the psych hospital.
It won’t be forever, he reminds himself.
“Every step?” he asks, more tears falling down, like the dam has collapsed.
“Every single one. Even when you’ll say you won’t want me, deep down I know you will,” she chuckles, her own tears slipping out too.
“Yeah, you might be right.” He smiles at her.
“I’m always right.” She places a kiss on his temple and squeezes his hand tighter. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Kie.”
“This isn’t going to be easy,” she reminds him. “I need you to know that.”
“When have I ever run away from hard things?”
“Literally all the time,” she laughs.
“Not anymore,” he says.
The doorknob turns and Pope walks into the room. “You awake?” he asks, cautiously.
“Yeah, man,” JJ answers.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” JJ smiles.
“I thought so,” Pope chuckles. “Kiara tell you what happened?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re going? To the psych hospital, that is.”
“Yes, Pope, I’m going.”
“Thank God.” Pope walks over to him and hugs him. His arms wrap awkwardly around JJ’s body since JJ can’t move. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked Kie to cut you loose,” he says, gesturing to the restraints.
“I’m about to, I swear.” JJ tugs at them, but they don’t budge. “This is embarrassing,” he hangs his head in shame.
“You seriously think we’re going to judge you?” Kie chimes in.
JJ doesn’t answer.
“You have a lot of therapy to get through then,” Pope acknowledges, “Because we love you no matter what.”
“I love you guys too,” JJ says.
Kiara gives his hand a squeeze.
“I’ll go get a nurse,” Pope says. “And I’ll let the others know you’re awake and less violent.”
JJ chuckles at that. Pope leaves the room.
“Sorry about that. The whole fighting against the nurses thing.”
“It’s okay.”
“I don’t want to be like Luke,” JJ admits. “I don’t want to scare you.”
“I’ll never be afraid of you, Jayj. I’ve never been.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Yes.” She kisses him. Her mouth moving in synchrony with his.
And for the first time in a long time, JJ feels like it’s going to be okay. Like it’s all going to work out. He feels regret for letting it get this far, but he feels eternally grateful for the pogues.
Especially his favorite pogue. Kiara. The love of his life, he thinks.