āI wanna talk about sex.
Ā Ā Ā D-donāt give me that look. You h-heard me. Come oooon, w-weāve talked about all sorts of stuff. T-things I did to myself for her. Things I-I did to o-others for her... donāt t-tell me youāre getting shy now. When I want to tell you what she did to me. How she fuckedĀ me. Youāre funny.
I want to t-tell you because itās important. B-because... she made me feel like nothing else. She was... she... Mmm. I d-didnāt... didnāt know it was supposed to feel like that. Not until her.
You know, when I was younger, I was real popular at parties, c-cuz... because they knew if we played seven minutes in heaven Iād go all the way. A-and I guess now I look at it, and, uh, itās a little degrading, I g-guess, but... whatās it matter? Whatās it matter what someone does with my worthless body? It doesnāt. It doesnāt matter. If itās seven minutes in a closet t-to be included, Iāll do it. Every time. It worked! I... I got invited to things.
T-the boys, they... they liked it b-better from behind. They... I t-think they didnāt want to look at their face. W-which is good! My face is disgusting and also theyād probably see that I was only moaning to be polite if they actually bothered to look at me and maybe thatād be enough to kill their mood and we wouldnāt want that would we he needs to get off thatās the only reason Iām here I know it is because they told me thatās the only reason anyone invites me to anything and I just have to get that because I cant, I canāt go thinking they likeĀ me thatās ridiculous thatās ridiculous Iām an ugly pig and I know it I know it I know it mooooooving on!
[She pauses to catch her breath.]Ā A-hah. G-got... got a little carried away there.
Iāve got plenty of stories like that, I... I remember someone t-told me to suck his d-dick, and I think he meant it as an insult I, uh, I donāt think he was serious, but um, I panicked and said yes and I donāt think expected that so he panicked and neither of us knew what to do so we just kinda went with it. So thatās funny! So funny! I learned it, I learned it quick, if they want your disgusting pig body just give it to them because thatās all anyone will ever want of you so you might as well be useful somehow, you know? And it doesnāt really matter what kind of filthy things they do to it because you havenāt ever been clean anyway, they canāt defile you worse than you already are.
And thatās why, uh, it was really confusing. When people t-talked about making love. I-I guess I knew, sort of, I knew that it was supposed to be nice with someone you loved but it didnāt? It didnāt make sense?? No one was ever gonna love me, anyway, so it didnāt matter, right?
She loved me. She lovedĀ me. Like Iād never been loved before. I understood, th-thatās when I finally got it, why e-everyone makes such a fuss about having sex. W-why they call it making love, t-the difference between making love and f-fucking. T-thatās what she did. Loved me. Ahhhh.... (And sometimes she fucked me too, but that was just ācuz Iām a disgusting whore that likes being fucked ātill I cry.)
I remember... oh g-gosh, I remember... Mmmmm... God, she had the same u-ugly dorm room as everyone else, and she... she never picked up her clothes when they got dirty. It was a mess, it was an awful mess, but it didnāt matter. I-I barely saw anything b-but... but her. She laid me down gentle, l-like... I was something worth protecting. Beautiful. She made me feel beautiful. Iād never... Iād never felt like that. I felt so safe. You youāre in love when you feel safe naked, I think. Or maybe thatās justĀ ācuz I got naked around so many people that made me wanna puke. I donāt really know! Thatās pretty fucked up! Ahaa!
She never cut her nails. Ooooh boy, she... oh god, they were, they were these awful acrylic ones, sharp and pointy and long and the first time I saw them headed between my legs I think I almost ran away but she told me to trust her and I did and it hurt, of course it hurt, but she was so gentle, she laid down next to me with her hand between my legs and told me she loved me, and Iād want to tell it to her back but I was too busy moaning... She loved it. Aha, s-she, she loved- she wanted to hear me. Ā She wanted me screaming her name.
And oh boy, did I deliver. Mmmm. She always got what she wanted.
Good thing Hopeās Peak has those soundproof walls!
She couldnāt keep her hands off me. All the time, sheād- once when I was walking to c-class she pulled me into the girlās bathroom and, uh, well she d-didnāt let me finish, got me close and then pulled up my panties because she said I-I shouldnāt be late for c-class, m-my education was important. God, she was beautiful. She was s-so... she was beautiful. She was even more beautiful with her head between my thighs.
Actually! One of the scars, f-from what she wrote on me, t-the word scars, Iāve got one on my thigh, itās, uh, it saysĀ āittadakimasuā, and thereās a little smilie with a tongue, and th-thatās just--aha-- exactly like her, her s-sense of humor, she t-thought it was hilarious and it was! A-and now itās on my thigh forever. So, uh, Iām depressed and lonely and Iāll never be loved again as long as I live, b-but I have a m-memorial t-to all the times the queen of the whooole world g-got on her knees and ate me out, which is, uh. Itās nice if you think about it.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Right, I, uh. I should keep my pants on. Sorry. I got excited. Wonāt do it again.
The f-funny thing was, she never let me touch her, not like that. I tried, I... gosh did I try. I just wanted... just wanted to reciprocate. I wanted to show her I loved her too. Touch her like she touched me. She didnāt want it. Iād try and sheād j-just- sheād just kiss me, a-and tell me all I had to do to get her off was to l-love me. To give her everything. To worship her, adore her, but she d-didnāt have to ask for any of that, I-I was happy to. She... I was hers. I was all hers. S-she made me feel beautiful, w-which-- I know, I know, I know it hardly makes any sense, Iām sorry, s-someone like her, sh-she, she was a famous model, she... she was pretty and popular and everyone loved her, and I was just... m-me, I was just the girl you f-fuck in a closet for a laugh and forget about in a few days, a disgusting used up thing no one wanted around, and she thought I was beautiful and I donāt understand!
S-she was wrong. She... she h-had to be.Ā Iām ugly.Ā Iām worthless.Ā Iām trash. Iām nothing... nothing! Compared to her. She was everything.
Why wonāt you people just kill me already.