im back urgh u know im at my lowest when im back on this blog
the girl I've had a crush on for years now DOES ACTUALLY LIKE WOMEN (A GOOD THING) BUT SHES A RED FLAG (A BEIGE FLAG TO ME) BUT SHES PLAYING AROUND W THIS GIRL THAT I KNOW WHO I BECAME FRIENDS WITH BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE HER AND SHE MIGHT KNOW I LIKE HERRR CS THE GIRL I LIKE WAS AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE AFTER LIKE I CHATTED A SHIT TON OF BULLSHIT FUCKING SIMP LOVEFOOL HEAD OVER HEELS DUMBASS FUCKKKKKK IM SO FUCKINGNCOOKED MY LIFE IS ACTUALLY OVERR FUCKKKKKKKK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK IM SO FUCKING COOKED FUCKKKK 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
i thought of a fanfic idea but i usually only write like half of the entire series passionately in a sks (sistem kebut semalem, basically like cramming materials like during studying but in this case, writing??) and then forget about it
i thought of a fanfic idea but i usually only write like half of the entire series passionately in a sks (sistem kebut semalem, basically like cramming materials like during studying but in this case, writing??) and then forget about it
anyways whenever the intrusive thoughts especially those rlly weird ones (missing-assignments when u read this again in the future you'll know what i mean) i have to focus on thinking about words like
"CLEANSE CLEANSE NO NO NO CLEANSE CLEANSE BEGONE BEGONE CLEANSE CLEANSE NO NO NO NO CLEANSE"
btw both of them moved a year before me so 😞😞😞😞 also the NS guy had an older brother who was in the first batch of the school that didnt even move so 👁️👁️👁️
now that i think of it i got all this poetic venting shit idea from an upperclassman who wrote 10++ whole paragraphs replying to this guy who also sent her 20+ paragraphs
i would write another poetic/literary vent but im not in the mood 🥱🥱😴😴 the next one will be about my true opinions or about my mom ig 😋😋 pls look forward to it, imaginary crowd!! ❤️❤️
To forgive and forget is a shortcut to resolution in conflict. It's insincere half of the time. They'll verbally forgive them only to hold the grudge for the full week after, but forget it the month after.
To forgive and forget is as a sample for resolution. It's child's play to forgive and forget the person who had wronged you. But is it possible to forgive and forget the things you did?
It's nearly impossible for me, a goldfish who works at the century-old library. It's hard to remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, it's hard to forget the way I decided to hang out with my friends instead of him 3 years ago.
Why dwell on the trivial things of the past? I think constantly to myself. It isn't easy to heed such words, no matter how many times I repeat it in my mind. It feels as if I'm playing two songs at the same time, one singing my worries, the other singing sweet relief to the mind. Such thoughts for the brain drug it on both stimulants and depressants. They have contradictory side effects, but they don't cancel out. You'll just suffer both of them at the same time. Imagine your heart beating slowly and rapidly at the same time. I could die just imagining it.
No matter how much I try to convince myself, "It's been done, it was a long time ago, you didn't know any better, you were still little, it's all okay, don't worry about it," I cringe horribly at the thought of those words and the scene playing in my mind. They don't help. It's like telling the paralyzed kid to "stand up" for himself against the bullies.
I do have some way around this. How so, user missing-assignments? Just don't do anything. Truly do not do anything at all. If you don't do anything, you won't do anything that might possibly plague your brain in the future. How many times have I sat there, contemplating participation in an activity, rethinking a googolplex amount of times, only to end up not doing it despite actually wanting to do it? I get the opportunity to present my opinion, that I know is ten times better than the initial plan. Screw it. What idea? What opinion? I'm fine with your idea, it's great! Very innovative!! Never done before!! Why didn't I think of that~~!!
To rethink and regret is like cancer. How many times has the average population changed their answer on the test just for the previous answer to be the correct one? I could never forget the time I had changed my answer from morphine to heroin, just for morphine to be the correct answer. Not only did the person next to me already say "It might be morphine, didn't you also write that in your notes?", I didn't believe him. I'm sorry, M.
It's hard enough to forgive myself for doing things that affected myself, what about the things I did that affected others? Or didn't. In the googolplex times I think about an action, I'll somehow convince myself that that action killed an innocent child in Africa. This is why I choose to do nothing, and say nothing. Did I fall down the stairs and break my leg? Nothing happened, and if nobody saw I'll even try to hide it. Me falling down the stairs? Was it because the stairs were freshly mopped and nobody said? Nope! I fell down the stairs because I felt like it, and please don't bring me to the hospital, that costs a lot of money and I might bankrupt our whole entire family while we're on the way to the hospital.
Dear librarian goldfish, to sit in silence does not satisfy a person. Hundreds of shelves filled to the brim with books collected over the years. The contents of each book shall become outdated one day. It's not misinformation if the book from the 1800s by John Dalton stated that atomic theory was merely made of atoms that looked like billiard balls. Now that we know of the Electron Cloud Model by Erwin Schrödinger, we can tell that John Dalton isn't entirely right. But, how could he have been immediately right, he didn't know anything else.
Dear librarian goldfish, seek advancement. Widen your horizons when given the opportunity. Fret not for worries, overcome such trivial things.
Loneliness becomes a confusing thing to me who has the soul of a social butterfly but not its body nor its wings. How shall a bird take flight without its wings? But should the bird without a soul spread its wings and fly?
I yearn for the interaction and the embrace of people. I believe a full day should be utilized to its full potential when hanging out with one's dearest friends. When does it seem clear that I cling too close to these people?
A problem I face is that I'm unsure how to differentiate between true romantic affection or platonic relationships. My dearest friend who I have spent most of my days with since elementary school until now may be as a brother to me all those years, but in a blink of an eye, I shall question it. Am I merely friends with him or do I like him? My heart is heavy as I try to understand my feelings. How shall others perceive me when I don't even truly understand myself?
I mistake true romance, true friendship, and true siblinghood. I mistake admiration with romantic affection. When my Taekwondo coach, who does very high kicks that look like straight lines and fights courageously and who gives off youthful vibes from his mullet and his speech and manner, performs impeccably in his poomsaes, do I cheer and clap for him because I admire him and wish to be like him one day or is it because I like him? The thought of it is preposterous, I'm sure of that, but it feels like it, although I'm very sure and aware of its immorality and how it's a vile thought. Did I glee because he noticed my Babymetal shirt and said, "You're a concert kid, too?" (a very direct translation from "kamu anak konser juga?" in which anak konser or concert kid means frequent concert-goer), and then fistbumped me, which was then commented by another coach who said we were similar to each other ("kalian sefrekuensi") that stretched until that night where I couldn't sleep because I kept on thinking about it? Did I squeal mentally when he praised me for having high kicks that were still leagues below his kicks? Is that still admiration, or is that affection? Where does the line begin and end?
When are actions done for formality, when are they done consciously, or when are they done merely for the attention of others? When are actions done for the attention of others, when are they done with affection, and when are they done 'only as friends'? When he returns my hug, is it because he truly wants to reciprocate the action, or is it because he feels the need to because of our mere status of dating? Is he someone who I loved dearly with my entire heart, truly because of his charm, his personality, the way he talks, the way he interacts with me, the way he carries me in every game he played with me, the way his body towers over mine in height and size, the way calls me by my first name rather than my online tag or my nickname, his 6.79/7 report card grade that his mother was deeply disappointed in, the way he helped me with my homework despite me bragging about being one of the smartest in my grade, the way he buys me things or pays for me, the way he insists I should never ever ever repay him, the way he called me 100 times worrying about me when I was asleep for half a day, the way he accepted my confession by saying thank you first and giving me a heart attack, or was it because I was desperate to experience the love from others and hopping on a trend called dating? Were the tears I cried on the night he broke up with me because he was busy with school by Discord call because I was devastated he'd 'leave' me despite saying I was the most important to him and I'd one day celebrate Chinese New Year's after I said I didn't after he'd wish me a happy and prosperous CNY, or was it because I was devastated I no longer had a status and someone to stick to like glue? Is he someone who I genuinely loved, or someone who I used like a pillow to cling to in my sleep? Did I want him or did I want to feel what it felt like yearning for him?
It's ironic that I have the childish incapability to understand these 'mature' themes although wanting to grow up fast. I'm very mature for my age, I swear. I'm more advanced in studies and mental capabilities than the average person of my age, I swear. But that shall be another topic for another day. I must not dwell about so many problems in the span of 4 hours at midnight. It's not good for my brain.
Does a flightless bird wish for the ability to fly? Does it ever question its ancestors' decisions to give up the freedom in flying? To cage itself to the ground by choice is a tragedy. Why? Did the bird find pointlessness in flight unless it was absolutely essential? Does the soulful bird with no wings have to lose its soul, too? The flightless bird won't gain the ability to soar its wings in the sky, no, but there's no saying that the soulless bird won't find freedom in the sky it mindlessly soared in.
Find solace in seeking opportunity, dear bird. One day, the skies shall welcome you with open arms. The endless seeking will conclude by the seeked revealing itself. Heaven has a fate set for you.
my sleeping schedule this holiday is sooo fucked like im sleeping at 2/3 and waking up at 10/11 everyday hoooly shit
i know its not that bad compared to others who either sleep much later and/or then wake up earlier or js don't sleep at all but like its still bad why should i compete in who has the worst sleeping schedule
amandla
gamechangershow
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
origamiaround
blakekathryn