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@ttcbbyr
Joe forgot to tell me that his friends wife was pregnant and I got ambushed with a pregnancy announcement on insta and I wish pregnancy announcements didn't bother me so much but I'm sitting in the dark crying.
Also they are always on the first day of my period, always!!!
Made the decision not to transfer for the foreseeable future, have no one to talk about it with so just going to cry on tumblr about it.
It makes sense for us right now but that doesn't stop me from being so sad about it.
Infertility is so fucking lonely.
I keep so much of it to myself because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable, I feel like my feelings ruin things for everyone else, but then I'm sitting here, thinking about the fact that I might never get to hold my baby, might never get to experience pregnancy, might never get to look my child in the eye and feel that love that I know i have the capacity for, that already exists but has no place to be directed to, that is often overwhelming and heartbreaking and I think, fuck your feelings.
Made the decision not to transfer for the foreseeable future, have no one to talk about it with so just going to cry on tumblr about it.
It makes sense for us right now but that doesn't stop me from being so sad about it.
Body is 100% fucking with me, refusing to buy a test as period will just start and it'll be a waste of money.
Happy New Year. My skin has finally returned to pre IVF normal - IVF made is very dry and very spotty and I felt like it aged my face a million years but then I took this photo and realised I looked more like myself.
A win is a win
I turn 33 this year, and suddenly worried about looking my age 🙃
Joe's sister decided to announce her 3rd, complete surprise and totally accidental pregnancy, on Christmas fucking Day.
She got her eldest (who is 3) to tell us all, and Joe and I couldn't even hide our upset and sadness, it knocked us both and then when we did manage to compose ourselves, I had to go cry in the bathroom.
What made it worse is Joe's mum text him after to say his sister had been dreading telling us and felt guilty etc etc etc... okay then just text us first and give us a heads up? There is nothing worse a surprise pregnancy announcement, just fucking text us???? Did she Google "how to tell people dealing with infertility you're pregnant" and then do the exact opposite??? And I'm angry at Joe's mum for not caring enough to tell us first, so we could prepare ourselves.
So now I'm really angry and very upset and so tired of this.
Maybe we'll do a transfer soon and it'll stick and next Christmas I'll also be holding a baby but I don't think I will ever ever get over the damage that infertility has caused.
Christmas can go fuck itself this year.
Not feeling it, don't care at all.
Agreed to go to Joe's sister, really looking forward to the reminder that Christmas is infinitely more magical when you are able to just have kids, and I will likely spend the entire day feeling gut wrenchingly sad whilst smiling along.
Happy Holidays
There's so much guilt with infertility, i feel guilty that my mum is not a grandparent because she wants that so badly, I feel guilty that my husband is not a father because he'll be so amazing, I feel guilty that I cannot mentally be there for my friends during their pregnancy and motherhood.
I feel like such an awful failure of a person sometimes, like I'm letting everyone down.
Spending a lot of time thinking about my 9 little embryos in the freezer, imagining what they might become. Actually really emotional about it. I'm a rational person, I know they are currently clumps of cells with potential but nothing more, but I'm still feeling so attached to them.
9 little frozen embryos, and a few more still growing ❤️
Feeling lucky
Day 3 update:
17 good, 3 average, 1 poor
I know the biggest drop happens between Day 3 and Day 5, so I'm prepared for that to do a lot, but I'll be so pleased to get 4 Embryos out of this.
Bit sad none were graded Excellent but still, we're working with stuff
First embryos update is that 23 fertilised!!!
Survived and got 35 eggs!
Egg retrieval tomorrow, please tell me it is okay and not scary
Triggering tonight and egg collection Friday 🙃
Also most likely anything we make is going straight in the freezer because there's loads of follicles, I feel like shit and my estrogen is super high.
My oestradiol is 24,000 pmol/L and it was 8,000 pmol/L Monday 😂
Day8
Second scan went well, having another on Wednesday and likely egg retrieval Friday.
My oestradiol is currently 8500 pmol/L so I don't think we'll be doing a fresh transfer but the nurses haven't said anything specific. I also didn't ask how many follicles I had but I think it's a few? I might email tomorrow and ask.
Day 5.
Not a fan of my morning med 🙃
Scan went well, lots of follicles growing but my blood test results meant my night med has been reduced. Another scan Monday.
I'm so excited for this to be over, 7 years of leading up to this point and I'm just done with it. Mentally, I'm okay for one transfer, if that doesn't work then I'm giving myself a break again.
