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I'm tired

"Stuck on the tightrope. Staring down to the void beneath. In imposed equilibrium. I stand swinging in my indecision. I don't care if my time has come. All I want is my liberation."

~ The Fool

It won't be long before I take that leap. Dive right back into insanity and decide the void is my destination. I will die this year. My time here is all but expired. Remember my cry.

I mean I’m not dead

I haven’t visited this place in a long while. Not dead but also very much not alive. Been diagnosed with BPD since I last vented on here. I’ve just about stayed strong until now but the colours in life are gradually fading again.

Can’t wait to see my friends again, they help bring the colour back

God's trying to cull me for liking elderflower, Turkish delight and liquorice

There is only one way to escape

I just don't know whether I will make it to the funeral without at least attempting again. Shadow man is taunting me again and my thoughts and emotions are spiralling out of control. What did I do to deserve any of this??

I only knew them for a matter of months but I felt like I was genuinely making a new friend. Not the only reason I feel this way, just everything sucks currently. The urge is strong in this one.

Complete indifference for life

My friend and neighbours funeral is on the 5th of January so I just gotta survive till then. Afterwards? Well that's just free for whatever the hell I'm gonna do to myself next.

Christmas never used to be this difficult.

God complex? More like God I hate myself complex

Darkness

I can't even be in bed while it's dark for more than a few minutes without feeling things bearing down on me from the darkness. I lay there as long as I can, desperately trying to sleep. I get so terrified I have to run to the lightswitch like a maniac and turn the light on before they reach me. I don't know who they are but I don't want to find out.

Welp... Im going insane

As soon as I got to the supermarket both Shadow man and myself wanted to leave. It took all my strength not to drop my shopping and run. It was like a little demented choir in my head 'run run run escape run'. I left as soon as possible. The eyes on some of the adverts I normally pass were watching me and following my movements. This is it, I've finally snapped and probably destined for the loony bin.

He's back and I wanna die

Had a dream my mum was setting my room up to look like I'd either fell or was dragged off my bed, idk why. Then I woke up thinking whew, I'm glad that was a dream. Then I started feeling a tugging on the bottom of my blanket. Oh fuck I think sums it up pretty well. Whatever it was starts dragging me down the bed with increasing speed. I look towards the rest of my room and I see shadow man looming over me. I start trying to let out a scream and suddenly I'm back in place where I originally woke up. This was so utterly terrifying. I just want to do what he wants, commit suicide, jump off a bridge, I don't really care what at this point. I NEVER, EVER want to experience anything like this. I don't know what else to do, if this is him ramping up his tactics I'm not even gonna try and think about what could be next.

So...

A couple of changes happen and my new tapestry now has faces emerging from it and something shouted at me while I tried to check whether they are there again tonight. Had to nope out of my room real quick

I'm about to snap

These past few weeks, maybe even a month or so, everything and everybody is just going out of their way to test me. As of they're just watching and waiting for the moment I snap and kill myself or someone else. The universe is really just telling me that I'm no use to anyone and people would rather I go away.

Sorry... for everything

Welp

High key suicidal now and idk how I'm gonna make it through tonight.

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