Turtle D. Magnum

he/they/it, competent writer, incompetent musician and artist, worldbuilder, history buff, Guy Who's Adequate At Video Games, gun pervert, Legal Adult, purveyor of the winds of change

[turtlemagnum]

howdy, my name's turtle, this is my pinned! linked below are a few posts to tell you about myself and potentially answer some questions you might have if you're checking my account!

about me

more about me

spam liking your posts

following/contacting me

Official Turtle DNI

tags for you to blocklist are as follows:

#H&Hornyposting (horny posts, of course), #turtlemsuics (music i've made), #magnumart (visual art i've made), #tutel recommends (me recommending shit), #turtle dreame (dreams i've had, usually made immediately after waking up), #turtlegunrant (i have gun autism so sometimes i talk about guns, i know this bothers some people so if it bothers you please blacklist this!), #pictures of the turtman (pictures of my Stunning Visage), and #turtle hall of fame (posts i consider to be my best)

[turtlemagnum]

i think the fact that theres a mcdonalds in the pentagon is genuinely kinda pathetic. like ohhh one of the most funded organizations in the world cant afford anything better than dogfood to sustain their little jarhead dipshits, cant even buy an actual chef with the unlimited money they have

[quietwingsinthesky]

friend is trying to convince me this is a common experience and I do not believe her, so

Do you expect to be paid back if you pay for something for your friend while you’re hanging out? (I.E. a ride, a meal, a trinket.)

Yes, always

Yes, but only if it’s above a limit of money

No, never

I don’t buy things for my friends.

bald button

Remaining time: 2 days 9 hours

For a more illustrative example, say you go to the movies with a friend and you buy them popcorn, do you expect them at some point to send you money back via cash or through an app of some kind? Will you be upset if they don’t?

[turtlemagnum]

that last post went on for far too long mostly because i just wanted an excuse to keep making up tragedeigh names but it has occurred to me that i can just make them up. so i'm going to do so, now.

Trentagarious. Jerboana. Krillya. Daurana. Frilliant. Criantolin. Xyvxeos. Frelnma. Rinki. Quox. Phinteros. Hellyynn (pronounced helen). Geon (pronounced john). Bjeoff (pronounced like jeff, silent b). Nitroleous. Ckaerrynn (pronounced karen). cruisse (pronounced chris). Jentiferrous (pronounced jennifer). chraesci (pronounced tracey). ε 𒅌 (pronounced Epsilon Terrarium). Jennysis (pronounced like Sega Genesis). Phrainké (pronounced frankie). Faironikka (pronounced like veronica but with an F). Look (pronounced Luke). kaaeeiiousse (pronounced Caius). Coca Cola Zero Sugar (pronounced 'Long Covid'). Meyhreeohh (pronounced like how incorrect people pronounce "mario"). Gairuhmaia (pronounced Jeremiah). Kandreugh (like andrew with a K). Divayth Fyr (pronounced Davido Fear). Juatamala (pronounced like guatamala with a soft g). Jaoerd (pronounced Howard). and finally..... Krycchine (pronounced Christine)......

[turtlemagnum]

y'know i don't think i've ever personally met anybody with a genuine tragedeigh name. i wonder if it's because a lot of them, when they become adults, change it because it's fucking stupid. & also most of my friends are trans people, that probably has something to do with it. anyways i wonder if i'm ever gonna be at like a family gathering or something and i'm gonna meet a 6 year old named some shit like Wriggliam (william mixed with wrigley, like the gum) or Jefferrence (jeff + terrence) and i'm somehow gonna have to keep a straight face upon learning this information. like obviously i don't wanna be mean to a kid, it's not their fault their parents named them something absolutely fucking ridiculous, i don't wanna make the kid feel bad, but holy shit how do you keep a straight face during that. i realize i named myself after a fucking reptile but i'm intentionally being kinda goofy and whimsical y'know, & also it's an actual word and not some bullshit i just made up. & also i'm too old to be bullied by middle schoolers for my name so that's not gonna be a problem for me. like, ya gotta keep in mind that these kids gotta go through school being named Dramboy or some shit, they're gonna be surrounded by kellies and johnathans meanwhile the world's most specialest boy over here is named Octarionne. that's a real ass kid you're naming. they're gonna get eaten alive, torn to bits, have their soul consumed and shat out into the Hell of The Thousand Blades, where every surface is somehow always a blade that cuts you no matter where you touch it. you're fuckin dooming that kid, man, like holy shit, think about their soul before you name them Skrapleiuah or Loukareo

[turtlemagnum]

i think my favorite kinds of wildcat are those ones that just look like normal ass cats. like the kind you see in the zoo and go "man why do they got a regular ass cat in the zoo". like it's still a natural born serial killer but also it's just a little babyyyyy, precious fella, love that guy

[turtlemagnum]

anyways one of the things i hate most in life is people insisting they know me and my life better than i do. that guy in middle school insisting i was making up knowing that i was conceived on quaaludes because obviously my mom wouldn't tell me that. my mom, whom he never met, fuckin jackass. or me being kinda hot and sweaty at work and my boss not asking me how i'm doing but Stating "you're angry. why." and you know what??? when you're hot and sweaty and feeling kinda miserable, insisting you're not angry gets kinda hard when somebody else is dictating your own emotions to you, in fact it starts to kinda fucking make you angry!!!!! god, what an asshole

[turtlemagnum]

.

y'know in middle school i made a jerkoff motion to a friend of mine and he said something to the effect of "you don't actually jerk off that hard. that would hurt". setting aside his obnoxious habit of dictating wrong facts about my own life to me, i have thought about how hard i jerk it and i've heard that apparently some guys get so used to jacking it super hard that when they actually have sex that they straight up can't finish. obviously i have no idea if that'll be me, but when i try to jerk it by keeping my hand still and just thrusting with my hips it takes so long that i get frustrated and give up and do it normal style. so, there's a good chance i'll last a good amount of time, right??? i like to think i'm doing the sexual equivalent of training in 100x earth's gravity, just like goku.

[delicate-viscera]

once you start noticing how fatphobic everyone and everything is, there will never be a moment you're not filled with rage

[turtlemagnum]

my favorite restaurant is gonna be closed until the 10th of next month. so, y'know, Life........

[turtlemagnum]

i've long held a rather poor opinion of religion, and i've had a hard time trying to reconcile this with an appreciation for theology, mythology, and a genuine respect for indigenous practices; and i think i just hit something of a mental breakthrough for how these can absolutely coexist inside me beyond the whole "i contradict myself because i contain multitudes" shtick. i think the key difference is, for me, that culturally dominant religions are something that have in my lifetime and beyond the lifetimes of anyone still living been used as active tools of oppression, persecution, bigotry, and are very frequently deeply important and useful to fascist and fascist adjacent movements, meanwhile that's not really applicable to things like esoterica and indigenous religion (which were, in fact, frequently subject to the aforementioned oppression, persecution and bigotry)

[turtlemagnum]

my mom's clever, sometimes. she called me back to her room and asked me what the plan for dinner was, i said i planned on rotting and if i worked up the motivation to eat i'd just eat granola bars or something, to which she grimaced and then cheerfully asked if i'd cut one of the cantaloupes we just bought in half and bring it to her. so i did, and now i have this whole half a cantaloupe to eat for dinner. weaponizing my prioritization of and willingness to doing shit for others over myself, fucker

[turtlemagnum]

7 post spiral. lovely. aough, some day i'm gonna look back at all this and cringe and smile and be happy at how much better things have gotten. i've been saying this for years, and it has at least partially come true, and things are going to keep getting better until i'm actually fucking happy on a consistent basis. mark my fucking words

[turtlemagnum]

been out and about seeing little kids having a good time with their fathers. it's cute, feels good in the moment, though i can't help but have a bit of jealousy seeing it, just wishing i could've had a father growing up

[turtlemagnum]

what if i tripped and did a front flip landing on the top of my head, dying instantly

[turtlemagnum]

every day i understand pjackk more and more

[turtlemagnum]

there's a guy i followed on bluesky because he posted a stunning mettaton cosplay and he posted wondering about doing "BFE", which i had to do a not insignificant amount of googling to find out means "boyfriend experience" (at least, assuming it doesn't mean """bumfuck egypt"""), and god dude having someone as hot as him even pretending to be my boyfriend would be nice for a little while. i'm still personally against getting intimacy through paid means because i don't want anything that isn't freely given but god if it isn't tempting, sometimes