'twas just an observation

someone said it. i wrote it down.

[muffinlance]

Dada: That sounds like a "you" problem

Toddler, in scathing retort: That's a UPS van problem

[notallthosewhowander]

two bangers from tonight:

“you can watch football and dance. live a little, lau! soon enough you’ll have alzheimer’s!”

“so… do you prefer to have a big tv or is the… quality of the image more important?”

[twas-just-an-observation]

"Don't be afraid. KILL PEOPLE."

-Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody

[twas-just-an-observation]

"If you find a volcano, you shouldn't step in it or it could crack."

-a brilliant up and coming preschool geologist on his day off at the mall

[twas-just-an-observation]

"That's what parents are for - to make it easier to stab things."

- a very good dad

[twas-just-an-observation]

"Okay, I'm going to go water the poinsettias, and then I'm going to talk an owl."

-mother dearest

[kaity--did]

Starting a new thread of insane shit I over hear my husband say to our toddler.

“Here, will this rice cake cracker sate your dark passanger?”

[kaity--did]

2. “Come now my child.”

*bluey the album starts playing*

[kaity--did]

3. “Oh I am so sorry. You’ve been mildly inconvenienced. How dare I truly”

[kaity--did]

4. “It is she! Her Majesty, Queen of the Sludge, Keeper of Goo, DJ Baby P (In the House) Dropper of Beats and Clapper of Hands”

[kaity--did]

5. He is in charge of bathtime and he lifted the ghoul tonight while singing “come with me and you’ll be in a world of baby sanitation” and I laughed so hard I snorted pasta

[kaity--did]

6. Okay this is more one that he said to me about the toddler but he was home with her while I was at work and I just got this text

[kaity--did]

7.

“Happy Independence Day Sweetie! Nationalism is a cancer!”

[kaity--did]

8. This is another one he said to me about her but still it made me laugh so hard I nearly choked

[quiteaquoteboard]

(source)

[mattcullen]

“i’m the opposite of straight As. i’m gay Bs”

— bitty, any time anyone brings up his grades

[twas-just-an-observation]

Little brother: So the baby is 4 months old today? When will she be five months?

Me:....in a month?

LB: Oh right, I forgot months happen every month.

[twas-just-an-observation]

Little brother: *referring to eggs on the top shelf of the fridge* The eggs are taller than me. Well, not really. The eggs themselves are only like six inches tall each.

Same kid a little later: Why must life include upsnand downs? Why can't it be a straight line, all ups? Why can't the toothpaste rate always be going up, never down?

[expiredcheese]

[portraitoftheoddity]

So I am in a wedding party where I am the best man and very close with both the bride and the groom. This means I was part of both the bachelor and bachelorette parties, on subsequent weekends.  To give you an idea of how those respective experiences were, here is a general summary of the conversations I had on the following Mondays when asked about my weekend: “So how was the Bachelor party?” “Good, I was a little hung over Sunday morning but nothing a cup of coffee couldn’t fix, and there was very little clean up!”

—

“So how was the Bachelorette party?” “Well, we don’t think my knee needs surgery but I’m gonna be in a brace for a bit. Broke my oath about not drinking liquor out of a bowl ever again though, so that’s on me. Also luckily we aren’t being billed for the shattered glass door! No idea what I’m gonna do with all these one dollar bills though…”

[twas-just-an-observation]

Overheard:

"How do you spell your last name?"

"I can't believe you don't know!"

"I just don't know if it's with an A or an O."

"It's a...wait. How DO I spell it? What's my last name????"

[twas-just-an-observation]

Little brother: It would be cool if Greek people were real. Well, I think there might be a few Greek people out there somewhere. But they're probably all old and shriveled.

[twas-just-an-observation]

Little brother (14 yr): I wonder why I sweat at night.

Me: Could be hormones, could be--

LB: I HAVE HORMONES????? I thought those were just for ladies!

[jadedanddark]

I work at the radio and I have worked retail and I have worked food service.

The people who call in to the radio station are the dumbest people alive, holy shit.

Be honest, do you guys want the stories?

[jadedanddark]

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN OK LET'S GO

Caller: Hi. I'm pretty shocked you guys are putting people in danger with your traffic report.

Me: Could you elaborate please?

Caller: I'm on (freeway) and there's a branch hanging down. Someone is going to hit it and you haven't reported it. I've been listening all morning so I know you haven't.

Me: Just so I'm clear, the branch is not actually in the road? There is no hazard actually blocking anything?

Caller: no but there's going to be. It's going to be your fault when the branch falls.

Me: ma'am if there's not actually anything going on to report we can't report anything. You called to tell me about a tree.

Caller: Hi can I talk to Amy Winehouse?

Me: Amy Winehouse.

Caller: yeah I just heard her on your station.

Me: ...I don't know how to tell you this but no, I cannot put her on the phone.

Caller: she was just there

Me: That's a recording. She's not actually here.

(caller hung up before I could explain that not only is that not how radio music works, amy winehouse died in 2011.)

Caller: I cannot BELIEVE you guys would pay such FILTH. I'm AMERICAN.

Me: Which station are you having issue with?

Caller: The one playing that FILTH. The one saying "Imagine no religion." What kind of anti Christian message are you suggesting??

Me: the... Beatles song?

Caller: I'm AMERICAN.

Me: Is the issue that the Beatles are English...? Because I have bad news about most of the oldies station if so

Caller: I want to report about some false information being pushed as news, it's not relevant to the topic at hand and they're saying it is and they're trying to silence me and I think you need to do something about it.

Me: ma'am please slow down

Caller: the firewatch group on Facebook! They banned me for saying we shouldn't be talking about the Australia fires! You need to make them reinstate my place in the group or people that depend on me for fire news could be at risk!

Me: that's not our group, ma'am. Ours is the name of our station, we do not have any connection to the firewatch.

Caller: but it's news.

Me: there's more than one news source in the county ma'am.

(yes, she called to report her FB drama)

Caller: there's a cloud. It's big.

Me: is it a smoke cloud? Can you smell--

Caller: no I think it's a regular cloud. It's big though.

Me: do you see lightning...?

Caller: no it's just big. I didn't want anyone to worry.

Caller: play more Toby Keith.

Me: Sure, I'll pass that on to the DJ--

Caller: I wish I could be a cat.

Me: dang me too

Caller: anyway that's all I got for you today. Toby Keith, and I want to be a cat. Be sure to hug your animals. Meow!

Me: Meow!

Caller: Meow!

Me: Meow!

[jadedanddark]

There are more, ducklings.

Caller: here's what I don't understand. If communist China is supposed to be so bad, why do you support them?

Me: Uh

Caller: because you play their games. Every Thursday.

Me: when you say games--

Caller: (local basketball team) is owned by communist China.

Me: ma'am they are an American team based out of our city.

Caller: yes but they're owned by the communists. You spend all week saying how bad china is and then you give their team two hours to play the game.

Me: could you point me at a source?

Caller: oh I'm sure it's somewhere. It's something I heard.

Caller: can you guys play my song? That I recorded?

Me: we don't usually do that but if you get onto a label somewhere--

Caller: I'm outside can I just come in and play it for you

Me: excuse me WHAT

(guy comes in the office somehow?? The entrance has an electronic lock I still don't know how he bypassed it. He slaps an unmarked CD on my desk)

Caller: here. You can play it off of that.

Me: do you have a name...?

(he writes the word Obvious on the CD with a sharpie)

Me: do you have a last name? A phone number?

(he writes the word Music after Obvious)

Me: your name is... Obvious Music.

Caller: yes.

Me: you do realize nobody is going to put a random CD into their computer right? How do we contact you?

(he leaves without another word. We still haven't played it)

Caller: you were off air from 10 until 6 this morning and there was nobody I could call! Why don't you have anyone at the station!

Me: overnight

Caller: YES!

Me: but it's back on now?

Caller: yes

Me: then we fixed it, what is the problem exactly?

Caller: nobody picked up the phone!

Me: at three in the morning

Caller: what are you not understanding

Me: ma'am we go home