it was written

a slovenly manifestation of the bullshit that flies through my mind.

[twaswritten]

Timeless

letting go gets easier and easier. I’m no longer afraid.

I know that time is the friend and compassionate healer

but time is also a teacher. A recorder, a set for something big production. 

Time is continuing for me to recall those looks of despair and glances that search for solace. 

I can’t give them to you, time is teaching me to leave it alone. 

Time is a stage here, where we play out or pitiful dance and waltz on our memories of broken understandings. 

[twaswritten]

Pacing and pacing around. Letting me into your deep lest ideas, thoughts, desires. I watch as you divulge the layers of yourself. Are you real? Are you even aware? I sit patiently listening as you continue to spew words that keep cracking my ribs, eating me up inside. Talk of leaving Talk of better living. In those moments it dawns on me. I mean nothing. Then the words that I knew you'd been waiting for, a moment that you could slip it in and see how I react, you slept with someone else. But I didn't react. I just sat there listening- heartbroken. And you repeated it. But I just sat there. Knowing that if I reacted, I would be exposed. And now I know that all along, I was never really good enough. And that's depressing. But I won't let you know. Silence will do all the talking.

[twaswritten]

I’m running and trying to evade the impending problems that I am yet to face. The decisions that I have made have left me penetrable to judgment, and I am beating myself over and over and over again. 

I lie to myself almost daily, I don’t want it- I do. I don’t love it- i do. It’s not real- bitch, it might be. 

But I’m conflicted. Because the reality of my life is that I am not just complacent but I’m actually happy. But now I’m conflicted because maybe I am happy now- while I have my cake and eat it too. Maybe I’m juggling it all and I know once fall comes, the waves will crash and I will lose something and unfortunately it will be the things that never sacrificed, or grew, or wondered, or maybe even cared. 

It bothers me that I care. That i am the one that cares. But it also awakens something in me that may have been dormant. But the conflict keeps me wanting to go back to that dormant place where things were easy and I didn’t care so much and I just wanted to read books, and write, and draw and be alone. 

But now I’m here in limbo- feeling alive but also like a live wire. I’m trapped between being absolutely apathetic and coming unhinged and possibly finding myself a labyrinth of sorts. I don’t know where to move so I just keep following the path in front of me, uncertain of the turns, unknowing of where I’m headed but growing more eager to get it over with. 

[twaswritten]

Fromance gets fucked up

Over the years I have had my fair share of fiddling with the opposite sex and friendships. I feel like there is a recipe somewhere, I must’ve lost it about 10 years ago, and now this fiddling always turns disastrous for me. Like baking with salt when I shouId’ve used sugar. Eventually I end up in one of two places: thirsty or salty.

Can I be friends with a man? Or is this something reserved for only a certain type of human that I am clearly not?

Today, I am hurt. By a male friend. Did I do it to myself?

See, I have very strong convictions about female friendships and how sacrosanct they are. When women become friends- good friends, great friends, best friends, they cross a threshold of intimacy to build something stronger than the casual social relationship. It’s a sisterhood almost. It’s the call you in the middle of the night freaking out because (insert dingbat’s name here) has gone and fucked up again. It’s taking each other to the doctor, it’s talking about childhood issues over wine, or coffee, or tea, or let’s be honest- lots of vodka and shots of whiskey. To me, friendships involve traveling into the darkest depths of your emotional consciousness and figuring out ways to find clarity. It’s “you’re crazy but in this case, you’re not”. Friendship looks like the movie Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes and First Wives Club. It’s listening, understanding, remembering, and above all, profoundly caring. Sounds cathartic, right?

And hell yes, it should be! Women are all too often socialized to believe that other women don’t have their back. I believe the end result of that sounds a little like this, “ I don’t have a lot of girl friends, women are just too catty". I reject the notion that women are “catty”. That is a bullshit standard that I’ve been swatting at since the dawn of my feminist wake up call.  We are taught to think of other women as our competition. But if we free ourselves from that stereotype and start to incorporate the reality that there are never too many people in our lives that can love us and help us, then eventually the walls that keep us guarded from the same sex can begin crumbling and real tangible friendships can be forged. That is how I treated my  male friend, or at least I thought so.

I do struggle in this arena with men. And I’m asking myself why, throwing caution to the wind, and airing my grievances. However flawed they are.

The grimy truth is that I don’t feel that men cross that threshold in their relationships with each other. The friendships they form are from a similar vein, but not the same. if male friendships were fabric they would be as sheer as rayon.

I don’t feel like men struggle to find real friends in the way women do. And sometimes, on my darkest day, I don’t think they appreciate them the same way as a result. Men are not socialized to think of other men as conspiring against them in the way women are. And maybe because of that, they don’t need the same type of friendships.

I know, I know, that sounds sexist as I type it, even to myself. I’m not trying to berate the friendships that men sow. But that has been my reality. That is my observation. I’m not contemplating from a sociological perspective. I’m not thinking big picture. I’m thinking in the microcosm of my life. The small reality that I have whittled out of my narrow and limited bullshit heteronormative existence that fits my stories, my truths, my experiences. I make little apologies for it right now.

So today, I’m hurt. By a male friend. Why would they treat me like this?

I am the woman I described above. And those are my friendships with women. And I am lucky. I have several and they are real and wonderful, and in my times of struggle it makes the world a less dim shade of grey. But what happens when I apply my same code, that same sacrosanct ideology with men? They get it all twisted up. And maybe I do too. I am not above it. I am not faultless in all of this. I am a real human being capable of mistake after mistake. Or “lesson” after “lesson” (yeah... right... whatever). And I’m just trying to put my finger on how it all goes sodden.

Why does it get fucked up? Why do I end up getting yelled at on the street or having my phone blown up, or worse, being ignored completely?

As I am processing on this blog, I think it comes from intimacy. I don’t do small talk, I don’t do bullshit. My hobbies are solitary ones. I only do real. I like real conversations, real struggles and I have a soft spot for story telling, and I love listening to people talk. 

So beginning to cross that threshold, maybe it’s different for differing sexes. Because I can see that there is a fork in the road for us. I see the fork, as we walk there, proverbially hand in hand. I stop at the fork, one way labeled “ romance” and the other labeled “friendship” and I’m guilty- because with men, I dance at the precipice. And I will explain in a moment but for now I will say, the fork in the road is my safe place.  I soak up emotional vulnerability like sunshine but only from a distance can I give it. All my intimacy issues, emotional baggage, and my overall distrusting nature come marching down this metaphorical road and I stand there frozen. I become hot and cold and that’s grounds for another recipe, it’s called “ mixed messages”. 

It’s dawning on me that maybe where I’m dancing is not actually the precipice but rather, the fucking median! and I’m waltzing between friendship and romance, between fist bumps and elongated hugs. Maybe the fork in the road is located at different places for us.

This isn’t every male friendship I have. It’s the male friendships that I’m trying to take the most from.

When I go the friendship path, I end up being a friend of convenience with some dude who emotionally treats me like his girlfriend but fucks other women. And while that doesn’t bother me, the eventual replacement does. Because girlfriends shouldn’t replace friends. But because I’m a woman, I get replaced. This doesn’t happen with female friendships. Time is replaced, intimacy is not. It all comes full circle to the notion that men unconsciously perpetuate: that women are competition for one another and we are not to cross paths. 

I also become a replacement mom, or even better, a therapist. And while I can handle the emotional baggage of my lady clique ( because hello, relate much?), something about the impenetrable pride of the men in my life slightly bothers me. I get all eye rolls and “ you did it to yourself, jerk”. And I know nobody wants to hear that shit in their time of need. At least i’m not THAT MUCH of an asshole. 

But from experience, going the other way, the “ I’m so sorry- you’re too good for this- I’m always here if you need me- friend to cry on” route gets me listening to how “we could be something”, midnight texts, and dancing in the median again- waltzing around the desires of emotionally fragile and stunted men when I should be locking it up. I start to feel like I’m drowning in a desire that eventually fades. And as a result, I end up burning the bridge, and losing a relationship that I genuinely cared about. 

But I don’t know what to change, or rather how to change it. Because I enjoy a male’s perspective, but I need to fix my perspective of males. So really, I guess I haven’t been applying the same code at all. There you have it, I’m a hypocrite just like the rest of us!

Friendships with men seem arduous because I don’t think they value them as much and the one I cared about most, i didn’t know where to put the boundaries.

Are we really friends at all?

I’m processing, thinking out loud quietly on this screen. When I find the recipe, I will write it down...

[twaswritten]

too much thinking got me like...

[twaswritten]

Observation No.1

Slowly, slowly, I continuously observe us trying to foster love through control. Is this one of those lessons that we learn, relearn, and learn again? I see it. I watch silently while couples pass me on the sidewalk, yelling to each other, angrily texting, spitting bullshit on their phones. Hateful shit to each other, man. Angry shit to each other. 

Damn. 

Lies are shoved under the rug with coy smiles and somber laughter. It’s always after 1 am. It’s always met with tears of frustration or anguish, or ending in sheer desperation. And a part of me wallows in what I consider one of the great injustices of believing in romance. The need to hold on. And I’m a hypocrite.

Where does this come from? Is it innate? Is it learned? 

See, I observe that we all have this desire to hold on so tightly to what we consider “ ours”. We fight with each other, scream at each other. Beg each other. And I know because I’ve done it. I understand it because I’m guilty. Because our ideas are right, our version of the story is right. Our values, morals, feelings are right. And you just need to understand that you’re wrong. 

But in the moment, we actually end up losing control because we’ve been winding up so tightly, trying to control so hard that we snap like a guitar string. And what we learn, and relearn, is that there is no control, right? Because you look like a crazy person. You are out of control. 

But fuck that, in the moment we just get angry because you’ve done it to me. It’s your fault. You’ve made me lose control. That’s how we justify it, right? Because in that moment, the desire is fucking urgent. Right? I get it. There is no judgment. I get it. It’s a fucking emergency. I need you to listen to me right now, to desire me right now, to want me right now, to answer me right now, to hate me right now, to fuck me right now, to leave me alone right now.

... to honor me, worship me, love me, respect me right now? Ehhhhh. Maybe.

Because it seems like foreplay. It appears to be working. Because your Instagram looks like you’re in love, and your Facebook looks like you’re happy and the internet is telling me you’re fine. But, is this toxic? these patterns that I’m observing, this “foreplay” if you will? Or is it alcohol? Is it drugs? 

Have the dynamics of being in love really changed? 

Is it the atmosphere? The perpetual degradation of how we treat one another? 

Is it technology? 

I want to believe in the ability to control ones self, that love is fostered through mutual respect, admiration, great sexual chemistry. Yet I slowly, slowly observe that we are constantly hindered, due to our love for losing control. What do we love more? Each other, or this? Because I get it. Losing control is fucking amazing. It’s why drugs are fun, why sex is fun, why jumping off a cliff, or out of an airplane is something you can pay to do. Spiraling out of control and teetering on the edge is fun, man. Peaking down the rabbit hole is fun, and sometimes being talked off the ledge is fun. But is it toxic? Is it addictive? Is it ruining our relationships? 

Damn. 

This is observation No. 1. 

[twaswritten]

Debate halls are the new gladiatorial arena

                                        Are we shocked that debate victories are always handed to the person who steps into debate halls as if it’s a gladiatorial arena? No. Are we sickened by the display? Of course we are! But moreover, we also aren’t. The trainwreck of watching one “calmly” irate candidate go for blows while the other takes it all with a smile is beautiful misery to us mere commoners. Because let’s say it, politics is personal. To us politicos, the ones on the sidelines taking shots every time ” job growth” is mentioned- not so much- but to most people, politics is a button-pusher. And rightfully so. We all have our buzz issue. The thing we feel everyone should care about. And when the antithesis of our beliefs are espoused by others- wow. This happened last night and of course it made liberals wrongfully angry with their "Jimmy Carter" candidate & it made conservatives wrongfully arrogant of their anti-populist candidate. Tell me, how many times did Gov. Romney watch the movie “300” before entering the proverbial ring? how much gogo juice was consumed? We should all give Mitt a hand though, for doing his best Maximus Deridius impression without actually jumping over his podium and taking Lehrer out in order to “say one thing”. The spin is this. Mitt Romney wins! Because Mitt Romney was loud, and interrupted the moderator. He was abrasive and spoke out of turn which reads as passionate. He was rude to the president, you know- everything that the Republicans had been wanting him to be, UNpresidential. And way to look it, Romney! Mitt Romney didn’t need solid facts because Mitt Romney gets to speak louder. Mitt Romney doesn’t have to defend his statements about half of Americans in this country because presidents are not allowed the luxury of those “petty” arguments. And are they ever? Why are we so confused by Obama’s performance? Are we not entertained? Media is a beautiful and scary thing. The notion of “liberal” media? Even more genius! Let’s be honest though- would we have granted the President the audacity to stomp Mitt Romney down without hearing about Obama using some entitled respect as a tyrannical gavel to stop opposing thought? Do we think that we could hear about Barack “Hussein” Obama coming out into a political debate fists swinging without hearing about how the “populous” doesn’t view his “aggressive” behavior as presidential? When has America taken pride in an “aggressive” black man? The mere idea that the president is somehow going to storm the hall and argue about the direction of the country is laughable. And what? Project the image of insecurity by overly (and aggressively) defending his own policies? Project the idea that he doesn’t know what he is doing? That he is NOT in control?  Debates are boxing beauty pageants. Who can eat the most punches without looking the most bloodied up? Unfortunately, most politicos knew how this debate would spin… because there was only one way it could. but we sit silent. Thinking america knows this too. But you don’t, do you? Now there is only one other way to watch the events unfold for us- for Mitt Romney to continue seizing at the mouth every chance he gets on stage and for us to realize that the behavior is a front of desperation. A least plea if you will.  I think we have every expectation that the president will get stronger as each debate continues because he should’ve been strong to begin with but let’s say what we all know to be true- Barack Obama cannot now nor has he ever afforded the luxury of going full gladiator. And why? Because society has made this glass of steel president who lives in a box of unreasonable expectations. So lest we forget next time our POTUS takes a beating with a look of empty exasperation … this is our doing. Pat yourself on the back.

[twaswritten]

It's really shocking that Mitt Romney's campaign team has had such a hard time making the "down-to-earth Mitt" message stick... really, really, shocking.

As for the people's vote- well, Mitt Romney has a different definition of "people" altogether so he isn't really all that worried. And the "people" that fall under his definition, well, they aren't too worried either.

But let's be honest, Mitt's a down-to-earth, run-of-the-mill, average Joe. I mean, what group of pals doesn't have a picture of themselves eating/surrounded by money? 

See, it's completely normal.

[twaswritten]

[twaswritten]

Nancy Pelosi channels Pat Robertson, " I know something."

YAY!!! I know things that you dont know! YAY! And I'm not telling!

Earlier this month Pat Roberston tried so hard to become relevant in the presidential race that he actually went on television and claimed that God bestowed unto him the knowledge of who the next President of the United States will be. But then he didn't tell us. 

Today, Nancy Pelosi tried to become so relevant in the presidential race that she actually went on television and claimed that she knows who will NOT be the next President of the United States. But then she didn't tell us how she knows. but she REALLY REALLY knows.

via realclearpolitics:

John King, CNN: "You make your case there passionately for President Obama. But also understand that this is a tough reelection climate for any president, Democrat or Republican in this economy. Because of your history with Speaker Gingrich, what goes through your mind when you think of the possibility, which is more real today than it was a week or a month ago, that he would be the Republican nominee and that you could come back here next January or next February with a President Gingrich?" Rep. Nancy Pelosi: "Let me just say this. That will never happen." King: "Why?" Pelosi: "He's not going to be President of the United States. That's not going to happen. Let me just make my prediction and stand by it, it isn't going to happen." King: "Why are you so sure?" Pelosi: "There is something I know. The Republicans, if they choose to nominate him that's their prerogative. I don't even think that's going to happen."

Oh you "know" things do you?

Hooray! Nancy Pelosi finally knows something!

[stfuconservatives]

Leading From Behind Ain’t Looking Too Shabby: Iraq v. Libya

-Joe

[think-progress]

[twaswritten]

Maybe Mr. President will sing another Motown song or read an excerpt from Go the Fuck to Sleep in Samuel L. Jackson's voice to give the nation's collective boredom a break. Maybe he will end by throwing up a metal sign \m/ and begin extrapolating in great detail on how he is going to crush Newt/Romney/Santorum this year... but who cares about those establishment cronies. Everyone knows Ron Paul is taking Florida... which is why he won't be attending the primary in FL or even running ads.

Find 10 more facts about the nation's economy at ThinkProgress:

1. Since the last SOTU, the economy has created 1.9 million private sector jobs. [Source] 2. The top 1 percent take home 24 percent of the nation’s income, up from about 9 percent in 1976. [Source] 3. Private sector job creation under Obama in 2011 was  

[twaswritten]

“In light of recent events, I have decided to postpone Tuesday’s vote on the PROTECT I.P. Act.

“There is no reason that the legitimate issues raised by many about this bill cannot be resolved. Counterfeiting and piracy cost the American economy billions of dollars and thousands of jobs each year, with the movie industry alone supporting over 2.2 million jobs. We must take action to stop these illegal practices. We live in a country where people rightfully expect to be fairly compensated for a day’s work, whether that person is a miner in the high desert of Nevada, an independent band in New York City, or a union worker on the back lots of a California movie studio."

Should I tag this "winning" or would that be too obvious?

[think-progress]

[twaswritten]

President Barack Obama did something that most people do everyday, all the time, in the shower, while taking a walk, and after too many beers during karaoke night at your local bar... He sang two lines of a song! He really IS one of us. Not the cold, aloof man we've been trying to make you believe he is for 4 years now.

[twaswritten]

the internet broke! I'm preemptively blaming Eric Holder.

 "Listen, if you make Fast and Furious go away I will help KILL the internet!"

Yesterday was the largest protest in online history to prevent another irksome Texan from screwing up America and our greatest pass time... the internet. 

As you know, SOPA (stop online piracy act) totally blows (thanks for helping, Chris Dodd). But the reason you probably already knew that is because unlike the legislators trying to pass SOPA, YOU actually use the internet and all the trimmings this vast porno hub comes with.

If you were living under the proverbial rock (bridge) or your dial-up connection was busy yesterday, you lucked out, because the internet was semi-broken. Everything was blacked-out and pseudo-censored and alarming and scary. You couldn't read anything because "reddit" went dark. Even if you could read you still couldn't see the Google logo so you didn't know what day it was or what the day meant or if days even existed anymore, so why bother reading?

In laymen's terms (that simpleton) if your website is deemed "illegal support of copyrighted material (this means you, YouTube)", under SOPA, US Attorney General Eric Holder will hunt you down and smack the proverbial shit out of you! That's so close to being a police state just thinking about it makes me want to black bloc something. After hunting you down and censoring the crap out of -or altogether killing - your site Eric Holder will sleep with your lover while making you watch, take all of your beers and neuralyze you. (ala Men in Black.)

The good news? No more videos of lonely girls singing Alicia Keys songs into the camera. 

Senate votes January 24th, 2012. Make your voice heard.

[twaswritten]

the definition of “foreign infringing sites” is too vague. As it’s written now, they argue, the bill will fundamentally alter the relative freedom with which the Internet currently operates. What’s certain is that it’ll add a level of supervision to the Internet that’s never existed before.

Who’s opposed to SOPA? Basically, every website that you visit regularly. Most notably, Wikipedia, Craigslist, and Reddit, along with at least 200 other websites, have chosen to go dark in opposition to the bill and to help educate users about its potential impact. But the list doesn’t stop there: Google, Yahoo, YouTube, and Twitter have also publicly opposed the bill. The White House has also announced that should the bill reach President Obama’s desk, he will veto it.

How would SOPA work? It allows the U.S. attorney general to seek a court order against the targeted offshore website that would, in turn, be served on Internet providers in an effort to make the target virtually disappear. It’s kind of an Internet death penalty.

[todaysdocument]

Born on January 15, 1929, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a key leader of the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s in the United States. President Lyndon B. Johnson issued this proclamation for a national day of mourning after King was assasinated on April 4, 1968.  This year we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. with a Federal Holiday on January 16th.

[twaswritten]

Happy King Day America. Overcome.