Tonight, overwhelmed and underwhelmed.
So here I am, after a very cool trip to Chicago, my head spinning. I have seen and heard and smelled and tasted brand new things, and yet I feel emptier than when I departed. I have amazing things in my near future... I’m directing a musical, I’m singing in a fabulous jazz combo in a big city, and I’m about to apply to jobs for the next five years. And yet, I feel unmotivated, almost frozen in apprehension. I miss the days when I had professors and bosses and friends tell me what to do with my time. But, at the same time, I also treasure the opportunity to follow my dreams on my own time.
I think one of the issues in that I’m not sure HOW to follow my dreams. Do I want to teach? Do I want to sing? Do I want to go straight to grad school? Other than grad school, I wouldn’t be locking myself in for more than a year, so I really need to settle down and just pick a path. What do I want to do? What do I need to do? I need to make money, that’s for sure. My bills are ridiculous.
What do I want to do? I want to make a difference. I want to leave my mark. I want to improve as a musician and a person and a teacher. I often feel petrified in layers of my own fear and doubts, unable to move forward and accomplish.
It’s a crazy time to be in, the post graduation time period. I might be depressed, I might be lazy, I might be doing just fine. Either way, I want to know where I’ll be next year.
