unsent

[vuoen-deactivated20170311]

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

happy home inspection day

[inferior]

I love moons and sunsets. 

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

Happy home inspection day.

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

a positive correlation

J, There isn’t a way to describe the sick, dead feeling that took hold in my chest upon learning that you were headed to a home inspection today. Isn’t that at least a little bit hard for you? If not, what are we doing here? Today I don’t feel any hope that this is actually love. If I don’t stop seeing you now, how long until you stop wanting to see me? I wish I knew the words to say to make you change your mind. H

[realizes]

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

under different circumstances

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

under different circumstances

Dear E, You have a beautiful home. It was strange staring at a picture of your parents, young and infatuated with one another, while the man you and I both love entered me from behind. Going by interior design choices and reading material alone, under different circumstances I think I might like you. But under present circumstances, of course I hate you, sight unseen. I can't tell you how much I want what you have. Sad but always a little hopeful, H

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

the problem is you’re perfect.

J, It’s what you’re doing now, which is I don’t know what, with your wife. It’s how many times you’ve come in the last month. It’s the house, the house, the house. It’s all of the things I can’t remember when I’m talking to you that are all I can think about when you go home from work for the day. I’m going to stop seeing you. I love you. H 

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

the way your eyes looked one time

J, Time is an old woman with a craggy face, so still and slow that she appears asleep or dead. It’s only when you’re sitting across the table from her that you realize the wrinkles are quicksilver; only when she looks into your eyes and smiles that you see her wonderful and terrible beauty. I’m sitting across the table from Time, asking for my decade back. I’m begging her on my knees, keening; my face leaks snot, spit, and tears. Her eyes are smiling, but she’s immovable; Maybe there is sympathy in the set of her mouth, but like so many countless others before me, I won’t be allowed to start over. I’m going to stop seeing you. You’re buying a house, you have a kid, you’ve moved forward. I don’t think you’re truly in love with me or you would be changing or grieving. I love you so much it’s killing me, and I can’t understand why. Maybe it’s because of your kind, funny, humble mind. Maybe it’s because we fit together perfectly. Maybe it’s because I’ve been lonely. I can’t tell. With Everything, H

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

gentle chiding

Dear J, The difference between E and me is that I don’t need a third person in our relationship to be happy. You are the only one I need. Leave  her tomorrow. I’ll come pick you up after you tell her and we can move into a different apartment nearby. If you want primary custody of A, I’ll stay home with him. If you want to stay in D-ville forever, I’ll stay there with you and love it. A can have an idyllic childhood even if his parents live apart. We can show him what true love and a healthy relationship look like. I swear to you, I’ll love him. Please don’t buy a house with E. I know you love me more. Even though you think that shouldn’t be your most important priority, it should be. I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you 10 years ago. H

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

physics objects

Dear J, Here, have another letter. We’ve studiously avoided talking about Thanksgiving. Me, because I didn’t want to know if you were coming. You, because you didn’t want to tell me you were coming. I think. I can only vouch for my side of the silence. You WERE avoiding the topic, weren’t you? Your casual mention of your upcoming trip West earlier this evening made my heart sink because I can’t think of anything better than holding your hand in front of my family and introducing you to them as the love of my life. The possibility that the thought hasn’t even entered your mind makes me want to die. I don’t think I can do this, but I don’t know how to stop doing it, either. It’s been three weeks since we started talking again. Why should it be so hard when I’ve been living without you for 8 years? Please, please, please think of me. I love you. H

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

incredible fervency

J, Oh my god, I can’t believe my feelings for you could become so big in such a small amount of time. They’re overpowering, and you’re all I can think about. Sleeping with you only sealed the deal for me, and I’m sorry but I can’t accept your terms. The idea that you might be having sex with with your wife tonight or even showing her casual affection devastates me. My love for you feels like such a pretty thing, something I should be happy to show off to my friends and family and yours, and the fact that I can’t is evidence that I may only be deceiving myself. If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to be in a relationship whose only possible outcome is eventual loss of contact. You asked me Wednesday what my ideal endgame in our relationship is and it’s this: to be with you and you only. I want to meet your parents and the rest of your relatives. I want to get drunk with you and C. I want to meet your son. I want to be your confidante and (other) best friend. I want to fall asleep beside you and wake up next to you every day. Basically, I want to not be a source of shame in your life; rather, the sun in the sky. I don’t think you feel the same way I do and that this will end badly, particularly for me. If you really needed rather than wanted me, you would have asked me if I could ever see myself loving A instead of asking me if I could see myself letting E watch us have sex (the answer to the question you should have asked is, of course, ‘yes.’ I know he’s wonderful in his own right, but also because he’s part of you). If you truly needed me more than air, you wouldn’t have blithely admitted that, when (based on our past experiences I know this is a ‘when’ rather than ‘if’ situation) E finds out about me, it would mean the end of our friendship. It should never have come to this. I should have realized the full extent of my feelings for you ten years ago. I am so, so sorry for making such a monumental mistake, failing to acknowledge and value your love for the treasure it is. Now that I do know, I realize that I’m too late. I can’t be the person that you talk to in secret and meet occasionally for sex. My love won’t fit in that small box. If and when you’re  ever  ready  to meet my terms and start an actual relationship, please call, write, send a telegram -- anything. You can count on me not to mess up again. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing if the reward is exclusive rights to your heart and body. I love you. H

[twentyyearsgone83-blog]

how’s everything?

I’m in love with a married man. His name is J and we've been close since high school. He recently messaged me for the first time in over five years and there wasn't much small talk before we admitted to always having feelings for one another. Not much longer before talking turned to nights spent in cheap hotels. He says that he loves me, that he needs me, that he was made for me. I feel the same way. He won't leave his wife and child. It's hard. I can't stop loving him.