asteroid @twinfantasymtf - Tumblr Blog

this account is so dead and also filled with psychotic ramblings. but since my main is an alt I have to follow people with this one. Sorry

petaltexturedskies

Sylvia Plath, in a letter to Edward Cohen, wr. c. September 1950, from Letters of Sylvia Plath Volume I: 1940-1956

preference

#Spotify

there is no ability to choose without a plurality of choices.

twinfantasymtf

treat people kindly and do not make promises you can't keep..don't lead them on or give them any ideas about asking to be my girlfriend. let yourself into their life and listen to their story. hear them talk about their issues or failures. how they never had any friends, or how their friends all left. how they dropped out of college or why they can't hold a job. be understanding. don't let them kiss you, and definitely don't have sex with them. dont worry about it when you feel scared or uncomfortable. pursue physical contact even when you don't want it. its better this way. you need it this way. a warm body with whom you can bear your soul. without this there is nothing. there is nothing.

twinfantasymtf

you can't be picky, addison. you have lost your privilege to choose. you need to connect to the most people you can, as fast as you can. there is no other method for survival. being alone isn't an option. you have to live. you chose to live when you half assed your suicide attempt at 16. you chose to live when you went off to college alone after losing all of your friends. you choose to live now out of necessity. there is no will or want involved, only necessity. this is how it has to be.

petaltexturedskies

I would like to live. I am going to live...I am giving myself up; I am letting everything collapse, and I will start over again with something else.

Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosophy Student

putting you all in a shoebox now bye. Im a fag

think this is undoubtedly worse than any actual breakup ive ever had and im surprised I am currently living and breathing

yes Facebook I do want to kill myself and jump out the sixth floor window thank you for this today

treat people kindly and do not make promises you can't keep..don't lead them on or give them any ideas about asking to be my girlfriend. let yourself into their life and listen to their story. hear them talk about their issues or failures. how they never had any friends, or how their friends all left. how they dropped out of college or why they can't hold a job. be understanding. don't let them kiss you, and definitely don't have sex with them. dont worry about it when you feel scared or uncomfortable. pursue physical contact even when you don't want it. its better this way. you need it this way. a warm body with whom you can bear your soul. without this there is nothing. there is nothing.

could be in the hospital or halfway to Portland RN but instead I'm pursuing flirtatious relationships with three different people. I feel like im in a visual novel. don't ask me why i am doing this or even why it comes so incredibly easy to me. it just is.

am I even attracted to these people. not sure. they could be really fucking hot,, like totally my type. and I don't think it would make my decisions any less uncomfortable. ace was attractive and I was incredibly uncomfortable when I was drunk.

maybe I really am that stupid fake gay asexual variant where I need to actually know somebody. to care. but it doesnt matter. I need people to spend time with and the best available medium is flirting with online tgirls. if there were platonic routes I would take those. there aren't.

because I can't just let myself slip back into loneliness. it is uncomfortable and hard to make new friends. I have to force myself to like people. I don't really like anyone, honestly. not 90 percent of trans people. but I can't afford this indiscriminate pickiness. I have to actually give people a chance I guess. there's no other way.

also

how fucking long is there going to be a smiley face on my arm. im an actual retard. couldn't have done some sort of shape that could be caused by an accidental mishap. next time I cut myself I'm choosing somewhere else. Stupid. And to think I used the dull end of a metal mechanical pencil and it did not even bleed. What the hell. How can something scar if it doesn't bleed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

installed tiktok bc. no Instagram reels. EMO MEXICAN BOYS. tiktok I hate you

I will always have alex g and will toledo and elliot smith and they will never leave me

sh urges havent been that bad but I feel like I have reached a threshold of depression where I just can't be fucked

wouldn't be very offended if any of the 4 people on here muted me bc this is probably going to be junoposting. anyways. sev unfollowed me on everything and I want to kill myself. I guess telling sal was really enough for him to throw away everything. I must have not meant as much to him as I ever thought I did.

theres obviously something wrong with me deeply. I don't know if I'm just kind of a bad person or what though. because I am the common denominator. I caused all of this. I caused Rory to hate me, and now sev, and probably virtually everyone but Nico and Oliver. Sev called me selfish and I am trying to understand why he would say that. I can't see anyone else's point of view. Idk. Its probably true. Doesn't matter that he owes me 400 dollars or that I drive him everywhere he needs 2 go. At the end of the day if I'm still a fucking asshole it changes nothing.

all I can do is try to be a better person I guess. in the messages I'm too upset to reopen sev told me he genuinely hopes I find friends. maybe I can treat these ones better.

nothing this bad seems to last very long, I tell myself.

it would be so nice if I thought I was in the right on anything at all. but this is all my fault. I did this. I have nobody to blame but myself. truly was an empire of dirt.

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started over once before and I can do it again. prepared to lose everyone if it means learning a lesson. because I am done being this self. I will never stop hating who I was 6 months ago. I know 6 months from now I will hate this version of myself, if I don't already. I really am like karkat

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