Thoughts like Thez

Thoughts I shouldn’t share but can’t help myself.

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I wish nothing but happiness for you, for her, for them and theirs. What I’m waiting for is someone to want to see me happy too. 😞

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I can’t keep doing this. Every day is a battle I’d like to lose.

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The most I’ve counted imagining shooting myself in the head in one day is 72… then I lose count.

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How does one person out of the thousands that I’ve met in my life change my head so drastically. My heart hurts I want him to feel the same pain he’s made me feel but I also just wish happiness for him. I wish I was the one who could make him happy 😞 I just want to be happy too. I hate that he’s the only one who has my entire life.

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If I knew I’d miss you so much I wouldn’t have let you in. My bad.

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I was asked by a friend last night if I was ok. I’m not. I spend my days faking smiles and laughs just wishing it would be the last time I have to pretend to be ok. I go for walks hoping I misstep and fall into traffic ending my misery once and for all. I’ve considered running and not looking back but you can’t run from your thoughts. I’m not ok and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep pretending to be.

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Never. Enough. For. Anyone.

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I realized just now in the moment at 7:15am on the eastern side the of the United States of America that I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna fight, I don’t wanna cry. I don’t want to survive. I just wanna lay down and sleep and not wake up.

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I’m not just sad. I’m tired. And not the kind of tired that a nap will fix. I’m the kind of tired that can’t escape my own head. It’s exhausting just to wake up. It’s even more exhausting going to bed. Im tired of the thoughts I have. Im tired of being alive, but I’m tired of wanting to die. Im tired of fake smiles but I’m tired of being sad. Im tired of pretending but I’m also tired showing people the real me. Im tired of disappointing but I’m too tired to make anyone proud. Im not just sad…

[shyshybrain]

Depression is like being stuck between wanting to save yourself and wanting to end yourself.

-any

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Had my first drink at 26

Lord knows I needed it.

Held onto my innocence til I was ten

Been reliving it ever since

Years and Years pass me by

I start to wonder “who the fuck is this guy?”

Bury that shit in the dark

Lock it away deep in my heart

This glass house I’ve built around me.

Walls so fragile

I can’t even scream out

I’m losing my mind.

I turn down the screams

By raising the bottle

I think I’m in control

While I’m spinning at full throttle

The bottle stops working

One turns to five

Everyone’s talking

How the hell am I even alive.

The scars on my arms

Are losing their charm

I’ll try it again

This time I’m going for the win

My head keeps pounding

I can’t keep this going

I’m losing control

What do I do?

Where do I go?

Who can I trust?

Can I even trust you?

It’s all too much

I hate this life I’m living

Goddamn it when will it end

I’m so tired of looking over my shoulder.

Why does history keep repeating?

Does this happen to anyone else?

One time, two times, fuck!

How bout five times?

I just want the abuse to end

I put down the bottle

I pick up the bubble

I’ve drowned out the pain

But even Jameson can’t win this game

I’ve hopped on this train

It’s leaving tonight.

A longer path

With zero percent light.

On top of the world

No more screaming

No more crying

I’ve silenced my war.

Awake for days

No food for weeks

Shadows follow

Everyone is talking

One gram turns to five

My heart rate is on the rise

No one hears my cries

How the fuck am I still alive?

The tourniquets tight

I hold my breath

Intruding my skin

Surely this is the end

One shot turns into five

The scars on my heart

Are tearing me apart

Why the fuck can I not just die?