Please remind me who I really am.

RP Status: Active but slow. Blaine Anderson. NYU-Music Major. 21. (This is a mature 1x1 Past/Present/Future Seblaine RP. Some events of their past remain the same, and their future is completely rewritten.) CANON DIVERGENCE.

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

Hey Everyone!

Just wanted to let you all know that we are very much still around and plan on continuing at some point. Can’t really say when as things are just now getting back to normal for us. We had a personal and major loss in our family this June and it’s rocked us pretty hard.

But! We’ll be back as soon as we can! We appreciate you all and can’t wait to share more of our boys and their story. 

Thank you!

-S (Blaine) & H (Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (Late December/End of Year One)-I Still Remember the First Fall of Snow

Para/Phone Call: I Still Remember the First Fall of Snow- Part 1 of 2. 

Rating: PG-13.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee 

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. December 30. 2 and a half months after No Stopping Your Plans (Present Day, End of Year One. Blaine 22 (as of October 22), Sebastian 21 (as of August 27)

Location:  Ohio/Blaine’s Apartment- Brooklyn, New York

Info: Sebastian attempts to travel back to New York after visiting his parents in Ohio during a snowstorm. Blaine panics.

Warnings; please read: This para has themes of alcohol addiction, depression/anxiety, mentions of past domestic abuse, and mentions of death. This RP in general has themes of past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, and death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. He is not a nice man at all. Never will be in this RP. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From:  All Too Well (TMV) (TV)-Taylor Swift

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

 (And how it glistened as it fell,

 I remember it all too well)

 Blaine’s POV: 

All over Brooklyn large snowflakes fell in tufts of fluff so soft and delicate that Blaine was almost certain he could hear them whisper like fluttering wings against his window. Everything looked magical around the city and Blaine wanted so badly to love the glowing white blue hue the same way he had five years ago but his stomach was in nervous knots as he watched it fall steadily from a darkening,  light polluted sky. The sight was visually beautiful but it terrified him all the same. He tried not to reach for his phone to check in with his loved ones once again. He’d already bothered them all this afternoon when the impending forecast of a snow storm turned out to be accurate. 

He was mostly, as usual, worried about Sebastian as he was supposed to have been back from his Christmas break visit with his family this morning, but too much snow and bouts of blasting winds had stopped all flights temporarily and his boyfriend was stuck in an airport in Columbus, Ohio for who knows how long and service all over the Midwest, east coast and more was spotty at best so he was stuck just waiting to hear when he’d get to come home. Blaine had to believe that he’d get home and he’d be safe though and that had to be enough. The short time he got to talk to him today Blaine had made sure to keep his voice calm and as supportive as possible even though he wanted nothing more than  to tell him how very worried he was about the weather. 

Sebastian had been angry that they might not get to spend New Years Eve together, but he’d told his boyfriend that the date didn’t matter and they could mimic their own ball drop if they missed the night anyway. In reality the thought of not getting to celebrate their year back together on that specific date made Blaine feel a little lost. It was their anniversary after all. One year since that not so chance rooftop meeting and that perfect snowflake on Seb’s cheek beckoning Blaine with a reason to touch him again after so long apart. Filling them both with  a wave of familiar feelings and the pull of a mythical string drawing them back together where they belonged. All the pain and happiness they’d been through the last year together was thanks to last New Years and Blaine really wanted him home, but he could wait if it meant Sebastian was stuck somewhere safe. 

 Good god though Blaine fucking missed him. He missed him more than he cared to admit to anyone- let alone himself. It was a sort of aching that left him feeling sore and it scared him a little. They’d talked and texted while he was away and Seb said he missed him, of course, but Blaine wondered if it was this much. He wondered if this was normal. It had only been nine days and it wasn’t like they didn’t go days without getting to see each other, they spent time apart all the time. This felt different though, perhaps it was because Sebastian was miles and miles away.  It felt like his arms were stretched too far with wanting Sebastian closer and he didn’t know what to do with that. He just wanted to pull him back towards him and it worried him that maybe he was feeling too much. He felt untethered- unmoored from himself and he didn’t like feeling this way.

Sebastian had, of course, asked Blaine to come with him so they could spend Christmas together and Blaine had been so ready to say yes, but then he let himself sit and think too hard about it and it just didn’t seem like the right time. Sabine had been supportive of their relationship, if a bit tenitive but Seb’s dad was just… well, the worst trigger and Blaine wasn’t sure it was  a good time for him to be there, especially considering the date he’d be there… 

There was also the money aspect, Blaine still wasn’t comfortable with Sebastian’s easy and almost careless way with it and he wasn’t ready to let him pay for a trip that might lead to disaster anyway. Sebastian had promised him before leaving that he was okay though, that the therapy and the AA meetings were helping and that he’d call him if he felt like drinking or doing anything else that he might regret. So far his boyfriend had been just quiet about the whole trip, sort of changed the subject if Blaine asked about his dad, it worried Blaine but he didn’t want to pry or bother him with it, he’d learned that Sebastian would come to him when it was time to talk about what was bothering him. . Sebastian’s main concern the whole time had been coming home. Blaine didn’t think he’d have gone back to Ohio at all if it weren’t for how much he loved his mom.. 

It really was probably for the best that Blaine stayed in New York. He hadn’t wanted to mention it to Sebastian and remind him of what time of year it was even though Seb knew, he had shown that he knew in the way he kept lingering on Blaine face with concern when they said their farewells at the airport, that and the subtle check ins on that day as well let Blaine know that Seb was thinking about it- Sebastian had went through a hell all those years ago, too. Different, but just as damaging. Yet Blaine still couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud to his boyfriend. Not only was two days ago the anniversary of that last time Blaine felt happiness as a teen, but it was the date he lost everything good in his life. He wasn't sure how he’d handle living that day over while trying to win Thomas Smythe over.

December 28, a date burned into his brain for the rest of his life, had always loomed and haunted like a ghost. This year wasn’t any different except that he was free now. He could spend it how he liked and he spent the five year anniversary of his parents deaths quietly on facetime with Cooper. He was in California still- hadn’t gone home to visit their graves, neither of them had in years. Something about the eerie way the snow dusted their stones was far too pretty of a picture for all the tragedy and grief it left them so it was best they didn’t go. The image of their lonely, cold graves with their names forever etched in gray still fills him with a sorrow he knew he’d never get over. He’d miss the two of them forever and nothing would ever fix that. Not his happiness with Sebastian, not being free of Kurt. Nothing- not even time.

Neither he or Coop really knew how to talk to each other anymore yet neither of them were quite willing to just hang up. They’d  shared old pictures they each had saved, digital and physical and sniffled and laughed a little bit over them and Blaine was okay with that until they got to the ones that were from that last Christmas they were together as a family-  right there in the last photo of the bunch was one of his mother covering her smile as Blaine opened up his guitar while his dad looked on with what must have been pride. It was his last ever gift from them and the very guitar that Kurt still had his claws in. Blaine hadn't seen it since he’d been brave enough to leave, and probably never would again. Kurt had hidden it away or really had sold it off in a gesture of cruelty that only he could produce. One last thing to hold over Blaine. That man managed to keep his nails dug into Blaine somehow and suddenly he didn’t want to look anymore and what was first cathartic turned sour and when they finally did hang up Blaine let himself pull Soot into his arms and cry over them. 

He cried and at first it was marred by memories of Kurt’s mocking, nightmare blue eyes but then he let himself really remember his parents- his beautiful, sweet mother with her gentle hands and his serious but sometimes very silly dad and he cried harder than he had in years for them- full gulping sobs. It felt almost good to freely mourn them without Kurt interfering and making him feel small about his feelings. He cried all the time, he knew that and he was often ashamed over how sensitive he was, but his cat purred against his face and it felt right and that was something Kurt couldn’t take away anymore.

He spent the rest of that day keeping himself busy- he’d talked with Seb on the phone and hearing him say I love you over the speaker over 500 miles away made him feel giddy.  He’d exchanged some ridiculous yet funny messages that made him actually laugh out loud with Sam and cleaned his whole apartment. He’d even let Soot dip her paws in the powdery snow that had fallen on the windowsill that day. She seemed to enjoy herself but soon fell asleep burrowed in Blaine’s sweater, cold paws pressed against his chest…

 But now, two days later, he really just wanted to kiss his boyfriend's hands and face and watch something stupid on the television.  Wanted to celebrate their Christmas and New Year’s with him the same way they’d celebrated Blaine’s twenty-second birthday in October- in his apartment, just the two of them pressed together and giggling like they were all that mattered. 

He sighed and reached for the phone, the time read 7:36 p.m. and it was dark out. He groaned in annoyance with himself as he pulled Seb’s name up because of course he couldn’t stop himself.  Just one little call to keep the other man busy while he waited and then maybe he’d walk down and get himself some dinner from the corner store before the snow really took off and then he’d settle down on the couch to work on his advanced music theory and composition work. Classes started back up soon after all. To his surprise Sebastian’s beautiful, mischievous face was already flashing at him in an incoming call before he could press the proper buttons to call him. He almost declined the call in his haste to answer, maybe he’d make it back in time for tomorrow night after all.

“Let me guess, they’re delaying you until next week?” Blaine meant it as a joke but his heart sort of sank at the prospect.

 Sebastian’s POV:

If it weren’t for his mother, Sebastian wouldn’t go home for the Holidays. He wasn’t much for the BER months and all of the family oriented activities everybody felt guilted into attending. Ever the realest, he knew that the chill in the air towards the end of September meant that wine soaked arguments and gift receipts were around the corner. For him, it wasn’t all warm scarves and the scent of cinnamon, laughing with family like a perfect commercial. Sebastian didn’t need gifts or the judgemental looks in his aunts and uncles faces. But, he did need his mother and she loved to decorate and celebrate and show off her home. So, every Christmas he showed up and tried his best but always seemed to fail somehow. Even if she said she loved him and not to mind what the other Smythe family members thought, he could still see how tired his  mother was, the sad tilt of her red lips when he snapped back or poured another cup. 

This year was going to be his first sober Christmas in a long time. He hoped that he could keep it together without Blaine’s gentle golden gaze. He knew that Blaine was a phone call away and the other man had already encouraged him to reach out if he needed to. 

Sebastian had wanted B to join him on the trip. In the back of his mind he had known that the answer would be no. Ohio was complicated, he understood that. His own father was still quite cold about Sebastian and Blaine reconnecting. He knew his mother would welcome his boyfriend in with open arms but that wouldn’t stop his aunts from gossiping or thaw his father’s frosty demeanor. This time of year was hard for both of them but even more so for Blaine. The anniversary of his parent’s deaths was only a few days after Christmas. The yuletide season was marred for his boy and all he wanted to do was hide under an old quilt with him until New Years Day.  

The days of winter break passed by as the snow fell. Sebastian faked his way through dinners and spoke on the phone with B on the phone as much as possible. His mornings were spent with his mother over french press coffee and cigarettes. These were his  favorite moments anytime he came back home. The two of them in her clean kitchen lit up by the winter sun. The scent of her familiar lavender soap mixed with the rich tang of tobacco and her red lipstick print on her porcelain mug brought him comfort. He silently wished he could bottle up all of the goodness these little things she did brought to him. Sebastian could take the bottle back to New York and keep it just for himself.

 The nights in his childhood bedroom felt cold and lonely. It almost felt like he was a teenager again, wrapped up in his dark green sheets, dreaming of Blaine, willing him there. They would talk on the phone late at night, Seb’s voice hushed. ‘Just like old times.’ Blaine had joked. He would tell him about how his aunts got messy wine drunk, about the 5 identical sweaters he was gifted by various family members, and how much he missed him, Soot, and his tiny apartment. Sebastian lamented about how he didn’t want to miss New Years but the midwestern weather just wouldn’t give.

He felt like he had jinxed himself. There he was, sat in an airport by his lonesome. He was going to miss their day. Sebastian felt agitated as he stood at a large window and watched the wind whip snowflakes across the tarmac. B had assured him that everything would be okay and they could still celebrate together. 

Sebastian chewed on his nails and pondered his options. He felt like he'd go crazy stuck in this airport with crying babies and the temptation of the lounge he had access to. He had to get out of there. He’d rent a car. Yeah, he’d just rent a fucking car. He grew up in midwestern winters, he’d driven in them before. He could do it. 

Blaine picked up and made a joke. Seb chuckled and cradled the phone between his shoulder and ear as he signed the paperwork for the car. “Actually, No. I’m going to rent a car. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. I’ll be there before you know it and we can watch the ball drop together.”

The other side of the line was quiet.

“B?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine almost lost his hold on his phone as his breath hitched and caught in his throat. It was all he could do to let it back out again.

Breathe in and back out again, Blaine.

Come on- count to ten. You’ve got this, it’s okay. He’s still safe.

One, two, three…

It had taken Blaine a moment to really hear what Sebastian was saying to him. He could hear the triumph and annoyance with himself and the hint of relief in his boyfriend's voice but none of it really registered right away. All Blaine could focus on was that Sebastian wanted to rent a car and that meant he was going to drive. Blaine’s eyes blurred white and then a blue black that buzzed in his head as he watched the fat snowflakes slip down his city window leaving streaks like tear tracks down mourning cheeks. Was he crying too? He reached up and touched his face and was surprised to feel that his cheeks were dry. He felt seventeen all over again stuck in a never ending loop that started five years ago. He felt real fear for Sebastian’s life creep down his body for the second time since August.

All he could hear now was Cooper struggling to tell him the worst news- There was ice on the r-road. God, they’re gone, Blaine. I-I don’t know how else to say it. Mom and dad are gone… Who would think to call Blaine if something happened to Sebastian? Would he be forgotten? Or would he have to listen to Sabine Smythe heartbroken and struggling to tell him like his brother had? He had to force himself to speak, though his voice felt like it was stuck in his throat, his tongue felt heavy and his fingers felt numb as they regained their grip on his phone.  

“Baby- please don’t.”

He was all too aware that Sebastian, or anyone else that he cared about could be ripped away from him at any given moment, he’d been through it and knew in his heart that it could happen again and probably would-  but the thought of Sebastian out there on the road on a night like this for the next nine or so hours was enough to send the mental progress he’d done over the last year into regression. 

“I know how hard it is for you to be idle and how much you hate not having control of what goes on around you. I know that you’re probably overwhelmed and anxious and that’s not a good place for you to be in, I know, okay?  But I’m asking you not to do this.”

His heart felt ready to break all over again. His thoughts ran wild with unwanted scenarios that all ended with Sebastian dead- his beautiful, mischievous face frozen and reduced to just a picture in someone’s old newspaper. Gone. He licked his too dry lips and pushed on, afraid that if he stopped talking that it’d already be too late. He tried to keep his voice as steady and clear as could given his emotions,

“I hate asking this of you because I know you’re struggling to be still right now. I know you want to be here and not stuck there, trust me, I want you here too, but you have to stay there for now, okay? I’m sure they’ll reinstate your flight soon. I’ll stay up and keep you busy all night. I know you brought a notebook with you so you could write or something to pass time, too. Between the two of us we can keep your mind occupied.”

At this point he felt like a drowning man grasping at whatever he could to keep himself afloat. His  voice was starting to break and crack while he stumbled to put into words how desperately he needed Sebastian to understand what he was feeling. He was fighting panic and it looked like he might lose.

“I know it’s not fair of me to beg, but I fucking can’t, Seb. I- I can’t go through another phone call like t-that. It would destroy me… I never properly healed from before and-I just... Please don’t drive. I need you to promise me you won’t, I need to hear it. P-please. I’ll do anything.”

 Sebastian’s POV: 

Sebastian felt embarrassed. Heat crept up his neck and cheeks and his stomach turned uncomfortably. He had been so focused on getting back to New York that he hadn’t really considered how Blaine would feel about the situation. It all suddenly felt so obvious as the other man’s broken voice begged him not to drive.

“Okay, okay.” Sebastian hoped his tone sounded calming. He picked up the rental contract he had just signed and tore it in half before walking away from the kiosk. The clerk looked confused but he just shrugged and turned to find somewhere to sit. 

“I feel horrible and so fucking stupid, B. I should have known better. God.” 

He listened to his boyfriend speak and rubbed his forehead. There was nowhere quiet to sit. Blaine was right. It was going to be hard for him to stay put but, he wasn’t going to betray him. He sat down on a hard plastic chair and pulled his luggage up onto the free space next to him. 

“I won’t drive, I promise. I won’t do that to you and I appreciate the offer to stay up with me but you need sleep. I’m not going to make you stay awake just because I’m bored or anxious or whatever. I can like, play a game on my phone or something.” Seb cradled the phone against his shoulder and picked at his nails. B knew him well, he was struggling to chill out. “I really am sorry. I don’t know why I thought this would be okay.”

They stayed on the phone for a bit and Sebastian tried to focus but he heard somebody near him mention a hotel. “I wish I could stay at a hotel. I don’t think anything is close enough to get there safely. Guess I’ll just have to buy a fucking Monster or something from a vending machine. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep anyway but I’m afraid I won’t be alert, you know?”  Seb wanted to be selfish and keep the other man awake with him, that would be the easiest way to quell the anxiety coursing through him. “I should let you get some sleep. Soot is probably annoyed that you’re still awake.”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine let out a slow breath as the thick ball of anxiety slowly tried to unfurl in his gut only for it to be replaced by a guilt that he remembered far too well. Guilt for having inconvenienced someone else. Rationally he knew Sebastian wasn’t angry at him for asking him to stay put but the irrational part of his brain, the one part that Kurt had damaged with his huffs of annoyance and sharp claws anytime Blaine felt any emotion other than faux happiness, told him that he was wrong for asking. He wasn’t though because this is what people in healthy relationships did, they talked to each other and helped each other through the difficult things. He had to take another breath  and press his forehead to the cold window of his apartment before he could speak again.

“Please don’t feel bad, you have done nothing wrong and you are not stupid, Seb. I’m not faulting you for not realizing how it would affect me. You’re not  responsible for my triggers. I am.  I just…” He sniffled but managed to keep his emotions in check, breathing his way through it like he was taught and willing his guilt to ebb away because he knew Sebastian loved him and that he wasn’t cross with him for this, sure, he may be anxious but it wasn’t because of Blaine. 

“Imagining you driving right now- I just can’t. I know I can’t keep you safe in a bubble and I’m not asking for that, I just- this month? This time of year…I-” He struggled with himself to find words, still stupidly worried he’d somehow messed up before settling on the simplest thing,, 

“Thank you for understanding, and I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, okay? I promise.”

Blaine shook his head as he listened to Sebastian try and reason away why he couldn't keep Blaine on the phone and allowed himself to settle down on his little couch, his feet tucked up under him. He made the soft clicking noise with this tongue that sure enough got his fuzzy little feline to hop up on his lap, she nuzzled into the phone like she just knew her papa was on the other line. 

“Please, Seb, you don’t need to apologize, it’s sweet that you wanted to get here so fast, and a normal person would have embraced your gesture, but I’m not, well- you know, normal. But, I have a feeling that you’ll be in my arms by tomorrow night and we’ll be swaying together on my roof listening to the bang of pots and pans, kissing the New Year into existence.”

He felt the beginnings of a tentative grin trying tug on the corners of his lips in anticipation, wanting nothing more than to hold his boyfriend to his chest and kiss the worry and anxiety out of his faraway voice. He let himself take a deep breath, and finally the guilt was slowly replaced with hope and want. He pressed further into the couch, making himself comfortable with Soot curled up on his shoulder, surely curious about why her dad’s emotions were all over the place.

“Sebastian, I’m not hanging up, not a damn chance.” His voice was gentle as he tried his best not to laugh at the thought of letting Seb go for the night, the thought felt absurd to him, “Soot is actually worried about you and wants to see your face, put your earphones in and facetime us so she can see that you’re safe and then you can tell us about something good that’s happened over the last few days and then something you’re looking forward to when you get here.. We’ll be up as long as you need us. Besides, I don’t need to sleep nearly as much as I need to see your face right now.”

 Sebastian’s POV:

“Since Soot is asking so nicely...”

Sebastian tried to pay it casual but he could feel the grin overtake his face because how the fuck was Blaine still so sweet after his mess-up? He obviously wanted to see Blaine’s face, too. More than anything. He knew the joke would make the other man smile. He slipped in his Airpods and accepted the facetime option. He was tucked away in a somewhat quiet corner and the two of them kept each other busy until the time blurred. At around 5:05 a.m.  they announced that the flight would board at 6:30 AM.  The wind had died down and conditions were safe. A surge of relief flooded through him, he was so ready to be back in the city, back with Blaine. 

Sebastian had pretty much slept the entire plane ride with little interruption. His body felt exhausted but his mind was elated to be that much closer to his favorite everything- his safe spot.. Nothing exceptional happened until he was bounding up the stairs to his boyfriend’s apartment. It was only about 2 in the afternoon and they would have the whole of New Year’s evening and day together.  As soon as Blaine opened the door they were in each other’s arms, he wasn’t sure who reached for the other first. His exhaustion seemed to almost melt away as he felt B’s hands rub the small of his back, as he felt the soft whip of Soot’s skinny tail rub against his shin in her own special greeting. He was back with Blaine. 

He was home. 

/tbc.

(Part two of two will be posted in the next couple of months. We’ll see you soon!)

[twoblueheartslocked]

ooc:

Hey friends!

Yes, we are still very much around and still have plenty to write for these two sad, but very much healing, boys. We’re still slow, but we plan to be back to posting in March/April. 

Thank you all for your support and patience! 

-S(Blaine) and H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (Mid October/Year 1)-No Stopping Your Plans (And Those Slow Hands)

Para: No Stopping Your Plans (And Those Slow Hands)

Pairing: Seblaine.

Rating: NC-17

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee 

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. Second week of October- Six weeks  after It’s Supposed to Be Fun Turning Twenty-One. 

Location:  Sebastian’s Apartment- Manhattan, New York

Info: Blaine helps Sebastian with some studying. Things don’t go as planned- or do they?

Warnings; please read: This para is sex/smut with plot. (Bottom Blaine for this one.) -Mentions themes of alcohol addiction, recovery discussion, depression/anxiety, past (physical, mental, and sexual) and mentions of past unwanted sexual advances while under the influence of alcohol. -This RP in general has themes of past abuse (physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, and death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. He is not a nice man at all. Never will be in this RP. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From:  Slow Hands- Niall Horan

Under Cut for content.  

As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

 (Fingertips putting on a show-

Can't you tell that I want you, baby)

 Blaine’s POV:

The windows in Sebastian’s  apartment were open and an early Autumn breeze was pressing tickling kisses all over their skin, leaving little trains of goosebumps in their wake. Blaine had brought over candles in an array of Autumnal fragrances which included pumpkin, fresh apples and morning air. Blaine didn’t know how they managed to mix a crisp fall morning into the wax, but the apartment smelled like one of his favorite seasons, and for the first time in over four years he was allowed to enjoy it without Kurt’s special brand of soft spoken ridicule.

 He’d stolen one of Sebastian’s Columbia hoodies  and while the light blue suited Sebastian much better, Blaine was more than happy to wear it, feeling all the more closer to his boyfriend for having done so. He was so goddamn comfortable and it freaked him out how much his guard was down with Sebastian even after all they’d been through the last ten months. But, he clung to it and held it closer to his chest than he’d ever held anything before. Soot’s pitch fur ruffled, of course she came to stay the weekend with him,  as a particularly powerful gust of refreshing air gusted through the room. She stretched before settling back down to loaf behind them on the sofa.

While the apartment was still a bit too big and bare for Blaine, the room had a new permanent coolness since Seb let him open the windows and Blaine loved everything about the way the day felt, but Sebastian shivered against him which was just as well as it gave Blaine an excuse to snuggle even closer, as if possible, to his boyfriend. The both of them trusting each other with touch in an almost natural  way that neither one of them had experienced in a long time. It was almost easy to forget how much had happened with Sebastian in the last month. Almost.

Sebastian, the man that never needed or wanted any help, had since talked to a therapist about his mental health. He’d gone to talk about the bad places he’d been- the dark halls and rooms, the men, the consensual ones and those that were more blurred lines. He’d gone to talk about alcohol and drugs and self destruction. He was learning to let out the things he kept bottled up to even Blaine. Plus, he had been to three meetings- A Beginner's Meeting where he was able to get acquainted with how it all worked, and two Closed Meetings where Blaine had to let him go in alone  and trust him enough to get through it all by himself. Of course,  Blaine had held his hand before and after each one, and whispered how proud he was of him before sending him off. He wished so hard he could hold his hand through the duration of them but he understood why he was made to sit in the hall. His hands clasped on his lap, nervously picking at the callous’ on his thumb. 

Sebastian only spoke about his progress he’d made with his therapist and group leader with Blaine, his mother, Sabine and his best friend, Hunter. And when he spoke he was selective about what he shared, which  Blaine understood. It was his journey, Blaine was just support. Seb had still not reached out to Thomas, his father- and it didn’t appear that he would break that thick panel of ice anytime soon. He still turned stony and distant if Blaine brought it up, almost like he thought that Blaine was taking Thomas’ side. Blaine was not at all- he knew Thomas had been wrong to call and reprimand Seb when he’d been doing so well at the time and he knew it was partly Thomas’ fault that Sebastian fell so hard and hurt himself after. Of course he also knew Sebastian was his own worst enemy and that he needed help to get his life back into his control. He needed an outlet, something to help with his depression, his anxiety and his urge to drink himself into oblivion when pushed down.

Blaine’s  boyfriend took his new quest to recovery so quietly, almost silently and so goddamn softly- as if he was afraid of it. He took it with gentle, almost tentative looks that seemed to ask Blaine, ‘Am I doing okay, B? Please, tell me I am.’  And Blaine, for his part, did his best to show Sebastian that he was doing so fucking well. And Blaine meant it, he knew how hard it was to work on yourself and overcome things that felt out of your control. He knew how much of a struggle it was to heal bone deep anguish. He knew he couldn’t pour from an empty cup, but Blaine gave everything  he had for both of them to feel better. Still Blaine wanted more than anything to know what was going on inside Sebastian’s head when things got too quiet. 

All of that had brought them today- a perfect day in an imperfect world. A day where Blaine was less than two weeks away from his twenty-second birthday and for once that didn’t bring him as much anxiety as it had the last four years. A day where he was comfortable and Sebastian was still and calm next to him as he worked on homework. New medicine had brought on a new awareness that enabled Sebastian to work harder and focus better on his studies than he ever could before.

Blaine watched as Sebastian tucked his bottom lip between his teeth and sucked gently on the plump flesh as he concentrated on his slim laptop, his green eyes darting over words that Blaine didn’t have a chance of really understanding no matter how much he pretended he was helping the other man study. Times like this Blaine couldn’t take his eyes away from Sebastian- when he was still and deep in thought and god, he was fucking beautiful in his concentration. All at once Blaine needed to kiss him, needed to feel that bottom lip against his own teeth, felt like he might go a bit crazy if he didn’t. 

He didn’t want to jar Seb out of his mindfulness, he understood all too well how upsetting it could be to be touched when you didn’t want it or weren't expecting it, so he took a note from Seb’s book and wiggled his fingers gently in front of Seb’s face to get him looking at him. As soon as green met gold in question he took initiative and let his waving fingers slide gently against Sebastian’s smooth jaw and drew the two of them close, hesitating for a moment to silently  ask for permission. When Seb’s lips parted, intrigued and with a quiet rush of breath, Blaine knew it was a go ahead. He all but melted against Sebastian as he pressed his lips against his boyfriend’s. He sighed, the feeling of Seb’s mouth open and willing just for him exactly what he needed and he deepened the kiss, his tongue seeking and sliding against Sebastian’s and he could feel the fire between them slide down his body to pool in intimate places before resting in his toes, making them curl against the cool hardwood floor. 

Kissing Sebastian was one of his very favorite things and he’d never tire of the slip, slide and tangle their mouths. He wasn’t sure how long he lapped at Sebastian's lips and teeth, but by the time he forced himself to pull away he was breathless and everything felt tighter. It was a struggle to act nonchalant like he didn’t just interrupt Sebastian’s studies with something so intimate,  and even harder to speak. He barely managed.

“Mm, sorry.”

He  knew what he’d done, but of course he wasn’t going to let on that he knew even though Sebastian could fucking read him like his favorite book. He fought a smile, and shifted a bit in his seat to relieve some of the new tightness in his body.

“No more interruptions, I promise. I know you need this stuff  for economics.”

Sebastian’s POV:

The air was cold in the apartment which kept Sebastian alert. Blaine had asked to open the windows to let in the autumn breeze and he obliged. He wasn’t a fan of the weather turning, but Blaine was enamored with the orange and brown leaves on the ground and the heat of pumpkin lattes in his hands and he couldn’t help but soften towards the season. Blaine had made the trek to his apartment with candles and his little black cat and Sebastian thought of teenage witches and whimsey. He was sure the thought would make Blaine smile, maybe he would tell him later. 

Seb had told Blain that he needed to study and his boyfriend understood and sat snuggled into his side in one of his old hoodies. He liked how Columbia blue looked on the other man’s olive skin. Sebastian wanted him to keep it, to wear it when he felt lonely or scared, and to hold him close like a lover’s locket. 

The past weeks had been exhausting. Seb thought that going to therapy and getting better would be an easier experience than it was but it was messy and tiring. He practiced his restraint in silence, spilled his guts to a lady in an office, and cried over paper cups of coffee in a circle of folding chairs. Of course he had a select few he could talk to, and he did sometimes. Sebastian had to remind himself he wasn’t a burden and old habits liked to hang on like the last dead leaf on a branch, and he didn’t want to pile his shit on anybody. Sebastian often felt like maybe he wasn’t doing the whole healing thing right but B was there with his gentle presence and he didn’t have to speak it, he knew he had him. 

Their day tucked into the couch was a welcome respite for both of them. Seb’s laptop was cradled on his lap as he read over his notes. Blaine’s body heat felt nice against him and made it a little distracting. The subject matter he was studying was terribly boring and the other man didn’t realize how enticing he could be, even when he wasn’t doing anything. Seb could smell the spicy aroma of his cologne and saw his hips when he raised his arms to stretch, the hoodie sliding up just enough. So when Blaine gently got his attention and slowly kissed him, it was a very welcome distraction. 

When B leaned away from the kiss Sebastian’s lips followed like a magnet, “I think I need an interruption.” Blaine was right, sure. He needed to study. But, it was still early in the day, surely he could find time later.

“It’s important to take study breaks,” he smiled a slow mischievous smile and went in for another kiss. Sebastian’s hands found their  way to gently sit on either side of his boyfriend’s neck, a place only he had the blessing to touch. He could feel Blaine’s pulse quicken underneath his fingertips as they slowly kissed and pressed into each other closer. Sebastian’s lips trailed as far as he could reach until the hoodie stopped him. His hands tugged on the soft fabric, “You could keep it on," He murmured against his boyfriend’s jawline, he loved the way his budding five o clock shadow felt on his lips.

 Blaine’s POV:

It still amazed Blaine that anytime he wanted attention or intimacy all he had to do was ask for it, whether verbally or with kisses. Sebastian just gave it to him- even when he was tired or strained or working. His boyfriend would  kiss him back and it’d lead to something more or he’d snuggle up to Blaine and nuzzle into his neck when they were too sleepy or stressed to do much more. He couldn’t get over how different everything was for him now. 

He had spent so long made to believe that his overwhelming need for physical contact and want for affection was distasteful, shamefully attention seeking, and annoying. It was simply tolerated, then mocked, and finally flat out rejected. Even in high school when things had actually been good with Kurt and him for a moment, Kurt always seemed slightly irked if Blaine lingered too long or touched too boldly and Blaine couldn’t imagine ever interrupting Kurt’s work when they lived together, he’d have been reprimanded or worse. But now? Now he could interrupt Sebastian all he wanted and it was welcomed like it was a gift instead of a burden. 

He still had moments where he’d get nervous and his touches would be too tentative at first, but Sebastian always soothed those nerves instantly and Blaine couldn’t get enough of it. How had he gone so long living the way he lived with his abuser? It ate him up to think about and yet didn’t matter anymore. Now Sebastian was looking at him like he wanted to drink him up and his beautiful hands were ever so gently touching his neck. A spot just a year ago that would have sent Blaine into a tailspin of panic if anyone dared touched. His heart fluttered and his breath hitched and he needed more. Wanted to feel those hands all over him, god he’d do anything to keep Sebastian looking at him like that.

“Yeah, breaks are so important…” His  voice was soft as he trailed off as Sebastian’s lips turned into that smile that promised trouble, the one that made Blaine double take and blush on the day they met and made his heart beat faster than he thought possible. And then he was being kissed again and Sebastian’s lips and tongue were sliding against the pulse point in his neck, just above his sweatshirt and Blaine felt like he might just float away. He was so lost in the feeling that he almost missed the other man's words, thank god he didn’t.

Keep it on? Oh god… 

A shiver of absolute want ran through his body over the images of Sebastian on him, hands tangled in  his shirt, moving him where he wanted while he fucked over ane over into Blaine- the friction would rub and sting so nicely as the hoodie hitched up around his ribcage and under his back… Images of Blaine pressing Sebastian down and fucking into him slow and deep as Seb’s fingers clung to his shirt so he wouldn’t fall back, his legs spread wide for Blaine as he thrust into him slow and deep. Fuck.  

He wanted to feel the burn of the cloth against his skin, wanted it to leave its mark and  god… How far he had come to actually want something like that. The thought of either scenario made him so achingly hard that the neediest, softest moan escaped his lips and all at once he was god damn desperate to feel Seb’s body on or under him.

Gently Blaine took the laptop from his boyfriend's lap and he closed it before setting it down on the end table.  He could see now that Sebastian was just as hard through his sweats. Blaine reached out and let his fingers slip into the band of Seb’s pants, relishing for a second that his boyfriend rarely wore underwear, he let his fingers encircle Sebastian’s cock, sighed at its heaviness against his fingers. He rested his head against the other man's shoulder and stroked him almost lazily for a moment, enjoying the fact that he had done this, he’d made Sebastian this hard. He enjoyed the little noises Sebastian was making for him, and again it amazed him just how responsive and accepting Sebastian was of his affections.

He lifted his head and withdrew his hand, his fingers instantly missing the way Seb’s cock felt and fit, but it was okay for now as he’d feel it again soon. He lifted himself from the couch, sliding one leg over Seb’s lap until he was up and straddling the other man's hips, Seb’s cock so hard against his. He looked down at Sebastian, his eyes sliding over the part of his lips, his boyfriend’s teeth just slightly showing, his tongue just barely visible like he wanted to ask for something, but Blaine’s lips had already found their way back to Sebastian’s and he licked into his mouth again, the slide and slips of lips and tongues just a bit more dirty this time.  He rolled his hips into the other man, gasping a little, the thin fabrics allowing him to feel Seb against him almost completely. He  tangled his fingers into Sebastian’s hair and pulled so that he could tilt his head back and cradle his face in his arms- making the other man look up at him. Blaine’s voice was stilted, and his own question excited him in a way he couldn’t understand yet.

“You’d like that, huh?” 

His hips humped slowly into Sebastian, whishing that they were the type to hide condoms in living room end table drawers so that they could fuck right here with the Autumn breeze and candles around them. They weren’t yet but maybe one day they would be. Then  Blaine was surprised by himself again- Surprised by this man, the one that asked for sex and wanted to do filthy things with his person. He was so new to Blaine. And yet, he kind of remembered him from long ago. His breath was hot against Seb’s lips as he panted out between hip rolls what he wanted. 

“Come show me then…”

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian bit his lip and let go of a deep breath he didn’t know he had been holding as Blaine’s hand slipped under the band of his sweats. Time felt like it stopped anytime the other man’s adept hands touched his skin. Blaine had lyrical hands, you could feel years of musicality etched into them and they played Sebastian like his most loved instrument. The other man touched him with promises of what was to come and Seb felt like he didn’t have the will to wait much longer. He needed Blaine in his bed, needed to be skin to skin, needed Blaine’s low voice in his ear. 

And then his boyfriend was in his lap and they were kissing and rutting against each other like they used to in his parents basement in their stolen moments. Sebastian loved when Blaine felt confident and comfortable and uninhibited like this. He could feel the other man’s breath against his lips, could feel how hard he was, his hands gripped his hips. Sebastian just nodded when the other man spoke, it wasn’t the time for words. It was time for him to worship Blaine in the best way that he could. 

He wasn’t sure who stood up first or who started undressing who, how the lube and condoms ended up in his hands but it didn’t matter. Sebastian had Blaine pressed into the bed, still in his hoodie, his naked legs splayed on either side of his hips. He liked how the fabric felt against his naked chest, loved the thought of being all over his boyfriend like this. 

Seb looked into Blaine’s eyes as he pressed into him. He moaned and held himself up on his elbow, his other hand gripped B’s jaw gently. 

“Keep your eyes on me.”

He pressed into Blaine over and over again and he could feel his thighs shake against his hips, he had to control himself, could have fallen over the edge from just that. He was beautiful, his curly hair mussed by the pillows, his mouth open with little moans, musical and perfect to Seb’s ears.

“You’re so fucking perfect.” 

 Blaine’s POV:

It was almost as if time didn’t exist in times like this. Times when they were just so in sync it was hard to tell where one of them ended and the other began. He wasn't even sure how he’d ended up almost naked and under Sebastian but he knew without a doubt that that is where he needed to be.

He just  lost himself. His voice was too needy, too loud. He could cry with it all. It was like he couldn’t breathe with how much desire was rolling through his body.  He did as he was told and kept his eyes on Seb, a thrill passed through him from Seb’s gentle demand and his strong slender fingers on his jaw and Blaine could do nothing but drink the sight of Sebastian covering him and thrusting into his body,  could do nothing but cling to him tightly as he could. 

His legs were quivering and spread and his knees were bent and god he was so fucking open for Sebastian. He couldn’t recall ever being this open before. He wanted to beg him to take what he wanted from him. Wanted him to fuck him until he couldn’t take it anymore. Everything was slick and smooth and the sounds filling the room were filthy and sweet and he would swear he could taste the music in the air. He felt like he might float away. His face scrunched like he was in pain, but overwhelming pleasure rolled through him in waves. The hoodie twisted, aching around his ribs and god he felt every inch so fucking much. 

It was still bright in the room and he was letting Sebastian fuck him on top of the covers and he was so exposed and for once he didn’t care. He wanted to go on like this forever. Wanted to hold on so it could last longer and yet…. He was overwhelmed with sensations and feelings and Seb's admission of Blaine being perfect, imagine that, tipped him over and he fell, fell fell. Seb's name a dirty, delicious moan on his lips, begging him to catch him- begging him to keep going. But he was left a whimpering, aching mess as he held tight to his boyfriend and hoped he just knew he could have it all still.  He usually much preferred to be in control, but sometimes he just needed it like this. Needed to be taken over. Needed that sore fullness. And it seemed Seb sometimes needed Blaine like this too. It was a big deal to him that he was able to succumb after all he’d been through and that Sebastian just knew.

As his eyes searched out Seb’s he wanted nothing more than to tell Sebastian that he was the perfect one, wanted to tell him he was everything, but he was still falling and all he managed once their eyes connected was a sigh and the softest expression,

“...love you.”

It didn't fit with what they were doing, or maybe it did- either way Blaine couldn’t imagine not telling Seb right then how he felt, it didn’t matter if he already knew a thousand times over. He needed him to know right now, at this perfect moment.

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian loved this. He had never been so natural as he was when he was with Blaine. Even when they were kids, B had a way of getting him to let go of any inhibitions he had, and nothing had changed. They clicked, they always had. They had a magnetism that nobody else could ever match, the type of shit poets wrote about, what the best love songs tried to capture. Things just worked, they didn’t need to fulfill any specific rolls or worry about anything when it was just them. They moved together and fit perfectly. 

He knew he wasn’t going to outlast Blaine by much. Sebastian knew what Blaine wanted, they knew how to speak without any words. He held on tight to the other man as he fell apart in his arms, his breath hot and his skin satisfyingly sweaty. Sebastian could feel his boyfriend’s legs shake around him, could tell he was sensitive with every little moan after every thrust. 

“Love you too….”

Suddenly, his hips had a mind of their own as he let go. The two of them held each other and B ran circles over his back as his hips stuttered and he tried to catch his breath.  After a few moments of breathing and holding one another after he had removed himself gently from B, Sebastian chuckled and nuzzled into Blaine’s neck. He hummed a happy sound into his warm skin and he could smell the remnants of raspberry in his hair. God, this is what he lived for. It was enough to just bask in the other man’s glow, it felt like the sun hanging high in July or hearing his favorite song for the first time.

“That was nice.”  

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine loved watching Sebastian fall apart. Loves feeling the shudder and the sigh and the way he just sort of let himself go and melts into him- like Seb just knows he’s got it like that, because he does,  and that Blaine will hold him through it, because he will. He holds him close and strokes the back of his neck as Sebastian comes down and joins him in the afterglow. He loves this part almost as much as what came before.

Blaine blushed deep and let out a laugh because nice is an understatement but his laugh quickly turns to this raw  emotion and a wave of happy tears threaten to overtake him and he has to hide his face against Seb’s chest to hide them from the other man and maybe himself. He had truly never been that open before and he knew he would have been embarrassed over all of his whimpers and writhing if not for the way Sebastian was looking down at him. Like he loved him more than anything. Like he was some precious thing. Blaine was the most exposed-mentally and physically, and yet he’d never felt safer than he did right now with Sebastian around him.

After so much fear with Kurt of ridicule and pain, and the fear of triggering himself if he let go- tonight felt like a long time coming. It felt like he’d been waiting to let go like this forever yet he hadn't known. He was the same man that some six months ago had called his boyfriend to ask him if he could talk to him through touching himself properly. The same man that clutched blankets over his naked body like a life support- the one that was terrified of feeling the shamed way he felt with Kurt.  He was proud of himself for just letting things happen the way they were meant to happen here. And perhaps he might still tense up or prefer to be less exposed and more protected by blankets, but tonight Sebastian’s warm body, and the chill of the Autumn wind from the open windows felt like the safest covers. 

As he lets himself lie there, wrapped up in his second safest space with his beautiful, damaged but recovering boyfriend he wonders if it could possibly get any better than this one moment. They’d hardly been back together a year yet and so much could happen so he knew he should relax, but look how much they’d been through together in ten months…  he treasured it all- the highs and the lows. He wanted to voice everything all at once to Sebastian, he wanted to tell him he was proud of the two of them, tell him how good he felt right now, maybe do something that might lead to Blaine getting to flip them over and lead to explore the gorgeous  inches of his boyfriend's body… Yet he still felt so overwhelmed and too many things were rushing through his mind as lie snuggled against Sebastian so he settles for a simple statement instead,

“So nice.” He lets himself snuggle closer still to Seb.

“So, I’ve decided I’m gonna keep this shirt, okay? Okay.”

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian stretched his body and reveled in the afterglow with Blaine. The two of them kept kissing and smiling into each other’s mouths, their sighs and the sound of the breeze coming through the window were the only  noises in the cacophony of the city that mattered. He never thought he would find so much satisfaction in pillow talk or even be lucky enough to share in aftercare. The two of them always had each other. B always knew what Sebastian needed and he hoped he did the same for him. 

He wrapped his arms tighter around the other man’s clothed back and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. He laughed a little when Blaine replied. Did he really believe for one second that Sebastian would ever want the hoodie back? Of course he didn’t. He wanted him to keep of it and think of how his body felt on top of him, how the scent of his cologne would linger on the shirt like the touch of their hot skin. 

“Good. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Sebastian described all the ways he wanted to see his boyfriend in the shirt and all the ways he wanted him to feel wearing it. He hoped that Blaine felt beautiful and wanted and sexy and all the good things that he deserved to feel. 

Their talking led to kissing which led to some more fooling around. Their time bled into a small nap wrapped around one another. They woke up during twilight, the street lights in the neighborhood were starting to pop on and paint the sidewalk in circles of orange. Sebastian ordered them Chinese food and they sat in bed and ate with a trashy reality show on in the background as they laughed and talked and Soot snuck pieces of chicken. If only all study sessions could end this way.

/tbc. 

[twoblueheartslocked]

ooc:

We promise we’re still around. Slowly but surely working on the next para. Should be up by mid October. :) We aren’t going anywhere. We may take forever but we’ll always be sure to update asap. 

Thanks for sticking around!

-S (Blaine) & H (Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

ooc:

We’re still, sadly, on a bit of a hiatus. Para’s are currently in progress and will be up asap. :) We’re still around and are still slowly working towards the next update. We’re almost ready. Hopefully we get a better system down in the next couple of months.

See you soon!

-S (Blaine) & H (Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

This RP will be going on a slight hiatus! We have two big trips coming up in May and as it’s already been hard to write as of late we’ve decided to just hold off until we have more time. Probably the middle of June, but possibly the end. Don't worry though! We shall be back with hopefully a happier para for our boys! They both deserve it. <3

We will still be updating the Fic  version of the RP though if you’d like to revisit. :)

You can find it here!

Thank you all for your patience and we’ll see you in June.

-S(Blaine) & H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (LATE AUGUST/YEAR 1)-It’s Supposed To Be Fun Turning Twenty-One (Part Two)

Para: (Part Two of Two) It’s Supposed To Be Fun Turning Twenty-One 

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee 

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. The weekend after Sebastian’s 21st Birthday (which is August 27) Takes place in the twenty-four hours after (Part One)

Location:  The bar/Blaine’s Apartment- Brooklyn, New York

Info:  A terrified yet determined Blaine helps Sebastian pick up the pieces after his relapse.

Warnings; please read: This para has themes of alcohol addiction, depression/anxiety, and mentions of unwanted sexual advances while under the influence of alcohol. Mentions of past abuse. This RP in general has themes of past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, and death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. He is not a nice man at all. Never will be in this RP. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From:  Taylor Swift- All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version)

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

 ( I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all) 

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine watched the rise and fall of his boyfriend's chest as he slept. The sound of Sebastian’s life whistling in his ear was normally comforting and familiar but right now it sounded off and just wrong like someone had replaced it with a broken model. Each inhale seemed thick and painful and each exhale sounded a little ragged and every so often Sebastian would whimper or a pained groan of discomfort would make its way into the space between them. Yet, even with all of that considered, Blaine would take it over the horrible, gut-wrenching sobbing and begging Sebastian had been doing when Blaine first managed to get him into his apartment. The awful dry sound of his boyfriend throwing up over and over until all that was left was acidic bile still rang in his ears as he stroked the side of Sebastian’s head and murmured soft shh’s each time a whimper was particularly uncomfortable sounding. Blaine couldn’t help but wonder just how much he’d consumed and found he was scared to know.

Blaine was also exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. He’d worked a twelve-hour shift at Bookish before the phone call and had now been up for going on thirteen hours taking care of Sebastian on top of that- He’d given him his bathroom trash can and let him tuck into Blaine’s safe side of the bed, he rubbed his back each time he threw up. Blaine could feel the force vibrating throughout his fingertips and Seb's bones felt like they might just crack apart each time. He had undressed him and cleaned him, put him in pajamas he had left for the nights he spent over. He had wiped the sweat from Seb’s brow and held him so close while he shook and cried and talked in dizzying circles around Blaine. And once he’d finally fallen asleep Blaine couldn't bring himself to leave his side so he spent his hours watching his boyfriend’s breathing and making sure he didn’t choke or wake up alone and scared. What if Seb thought he was with a stranger? Blaine remembered less than a month ago Sebastian telling him about the times he’d drank too much and ended up with strangers grabbing at him in strange beds. Blaine couldn’t stomach the thought of him going through that after how absolutely intoxicated and sick he was tonight. Blaine had done his best to block the early afternoon sun from streaming into the window by taking the blankets from his couch and tacking them up. His fan was working overtime to cool the room and yet Seb’s too warm body still shivered through his sweat. 

Dreadful fear still ran through Blaine and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the worse and how things could have ended up. He had so many questions and very little to go of by way of answers. All night long and most of the morning Sebastian had hardly made sense- just kept begging Blaine not to hate him, kept begging for forgiveness and for him not to leave him until his voice was raw from it. Blaine's heart was still in his throat over why Seb could possibly think he’d ever do that. They’d gotten through so much together in the last eight months and Blaine was not going anywhere. Yet nothing he said could convince his sobbing, and incoherent boyfriend that he wasn’t going to leave- no matter how many I love you’s and we’re okay and you’re safe Blaine gave him Sebastian was convinced Blaine was going to break up with him. It broke Blaine’s whole heart.  

It was a relief to Blaine when Sebastian finally fell asleep or rather exhausted himself from crying and puking until he passed out, sniffling and clinging so tightly to Blaine. Blaine still didn’t know what Seb needed forgiveness for. Was it because he drank so much? Honestly, Blaine wasn’t sure he’d ever seen a person this intoxicated before…. Was it because he was alone at a bar? Had he done something wrong, something that he thought Blaine might not be able to forgive’? Blaine refused to believe he had cheated on him or anything to that extreme. His heart told him that Seb wouldn't do that to him even as drunk as he was. 

By hour six Blaine had convinced himself that it didn’t really have anything to do with him. Sebastian had been doing so well. No drinking, no drugs, just a few sulky days, his birthday included and Blaine knew how to handle those, had made a dreaded day better for him. He figured maybe when Seb woke up he’d get his answers but he had no way of knowing when that would be. So he was stuck with his memories and invasive thoughts and a very sick Sebastian pressed into his arms. 

He hadn’t been sleeping when his phone went off, he had only been off work for about two hours and had actually been worrying already. It wasn’t like Seb to not send him at least a goodnight text, let alone not respond to him for hours. Blaine had only sent a couple of messages for fear of being annoying or too much, but it scared the shit out of him that Seb hadn’t replied in a few hours. That’s when his call came through and Blaine would be lying if he said he didn’t feel relief at first, however that was quickly replaced by panic over the sound of Seb’s almost unintelligible voice. He tried to keep Sebastian conscious and on the phone while he threw his shoes on and paid extra money that he didn’t really have for the fastest Uber he could but it took too fucking long to get to him and he lost connection somewhere along the way and he’d let out a harsh sob as he tried to call back over and over again. 

“Seb? Baby please keep talking to me. God, Seb? Please, I'm almost there- just stay where you are...” He abruptly realized that He’d never felt terror like this before. Not even with all that Kurt had done to him- the thought of Sebastian alone in the middle of the city drunk and exposed and god fucking knows what was happening or had happened to him… Horrible images of Seb hurt or gone or dead plagued him and he couldn't stop his shaking hands and awful memories of how miserable and hopeless he felt when his parents had died wouldn’t leave him alone. He wouldn’t go through this again, he wouldn’t make it this time... He tried to tell himself to breathe in and back out again. To count to ten. That he had it under control, but his own mantra betrayed him and he found it wasn’t good enough when it came to worrying about Sebastian’s well-being rather than his own.

He was so upset for Seb that he forgot all of his own trauma for just a moment and he put himself in a crowd alone with no protection or safe escape and now that he was able to focus on what he’d done it scared the shit out of him, too.  When he had finally gotten there a relief as he’d never known swept over him because Seb was there and even though Seb was barely conscious and his pretty green eyes were red and full of pitiful tears and he was snotty and so sad, he was there and outwardly, all things considered, okay. He wondered if he would have been if it weren’t for the three tipsy and concerned women flocked around him. Blaine didn’t like to think about what could have happened to his vulnerable boyfriend if not for them. The girls made him show them the photo of them together he’d set as his phone background before they'd even let Seb go with him and now, looking back, it was a relief knowing that people like that still existed. He was just glad it was them and not the type that would take advantage of his beautiful, barely conscious, and beyond drunk boy.

He managed to get Sebastian into the car with the help of his new friends, Blaine thanked them as they slurred a few words about the night's events. But Blaine was so focused on Seb he couldn’t really hear the words at the time. He wanted Seb home and safe with him. He wasn't sure how long it took, wasn't sure how he managed to keep Seb with him, but somewhere along the way, he forgot that sudden grabbing scared him and he let Sebastian flail and grab for him and cling too tightly without showing Blaine his hands first.

Lying there, Seb pressed between him and the wall with a concerned Soot purring next to his boyfriend's head, Blaine wondered who the person that had gone out there and gotten him last night was. Blaine hadn’t felt that determined in years and thinking back on the night's events and how he just knew what to do, how to take care of someone he loved so much scared the hell out of him but also made him feel brave for the first time in a long time. It didn’t matter that he’d gone into the heart of Manhattan alone and into an unknown place or that he still had no clue what had triggered his boyfriend into this mess, what mattered was that he’d done it. He’d gotten Sebastian to safety and he’d done it without turning into a shivering puddle of uselessness. 

Maybe that’s why he started to cry then. Aside from a stifled sob earlier he’d been hoarding his feelings in and now that Seb was safe and he was too he had no reason to hold back. He was quiet about it, not wanting to wake his boyfriend up, but he let himself cry. Let himself feel the fear of the night and the what-ifs. And when he was done he pressed kisses to Seb’s sweaty, hot forehead and held him as tight as he comfortably could with shaking arms. 

Blaine was going to make this okay, he was going to take care of Sebastian even if knowing what really happened hurt him. They would be okay. They would get through it together Blaine would be there for Sebastian the way Sebastian had been there for him over the last eight months. A surge of guilt ripped through him as the realization that maybe Seb had probably been keeping how serious his relationship with alcohol was to save face for Blaine and his trauma. Of course, he knew there was a problem, but he had no clue how big it really was, and that made him feel terrible- like he’d missed it. He pulled Seb a little closer silently promising the other man that when he woke up he’d listen. He’d really hear him this time.

 —

Blaine must have dozed off sometime after his overloaded brain decided it couldn't take anymore. He was abruptly woken up to Sebastian gasping and trying to jerk out of Blaine’s arms so hard that Soot took off, nervous over the change in atmosphere. The room was a little darker now, the evening had come so fast somehow and it was hard to believe that it had been almost a full day ago when everything happened. It took Blaine‘s slow sleep-deprived brain a moment to realize that Seb must still think he’s out there, that some stranger had him held down or worse.

 “Hey, shh, Seb.  It’s B, I’ve got you, you’re safe.” he loosened his grip so that Seb wouldn't hurt himself in his jerky movements, but he still held on loosely while showing his hand to Seb before stroking his boyfriend's face gently, hoping that he’d eventually be a comfort. His boyfriend's gasps made his heart ache to fix the problem and he wondered what was going through his brain.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, baby. You’re with me, okay? You’re safe…”

Sebastian’s POV: 

Sebastian’s head throbbed and his skin felt sticky. Everything was a blur, to say the least. He remembered a blonde girl teetering over him in heels, a worried look on her pretty face and his boyfriend’s worried eyes. Sleep was fitful and uncomfortable but eventually settled over him for a few hours. 

 He wasn’t sure what jolted him awake but he felt arms around him and darkness suffocating him. Sebastian had almost forgotten where he was until he heard B’s voice. Seb gasped as he tried to catch his breath after the sudden surge of panic. God, he was so fucking afraid that he had ended up in the wrong bed. Blaine’s fingers on his warm skin had brought him back down. He nodded at the other man's words, the action made his head slosh around like a half-empty bottle, the taste of bile threatening the back of his tongue. Sebastian groaned from the pain and pressed into Blaine. Now that he was awake and the pieces started to fall together he felt even worse. He had really fucked it all up and he had so much explaining to do and how was he supposed to defend himself when all his body wanted to do was lay on the cold bathroom floor, waiting to expel the poison and regret from his stomach.  

“B…I…” Seb’s voice cracked and his head stung and a wave of nausea came crashing down. He threw the blankets off of himself and awkwardly scrambled out of the bed. Seb fell into Blain’s tiny bathroom and retched, the smell of toilet bowl cleaner made him gag even harder. He lay his cheek against the cold porcelain and started to cry. Seb could hear the gentle pad of Blaine’s footsteps as he made his way to him. The other man began to rub soothing circles on the small of his back and Seb cried harder. 

“I am so sorry,” He gasped. “I…Are you…” A painful sob pounded against his rib cage. “Please stay. Please don’t leave me.” 

Sebastian reached for the other man. He had fucked everything up once again and wasn’t that what he did best? His true talent wasn’t singing or dancing or lacrosse. It was being his own personal wrecking ball. He did his best work when he crashed into himself. He flourished in hurting everything and everyone around him. 

“I messed all of this up.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine waited patiently while Sebastian came to, watching with bated breath as the other man's body jerked and tensed before relaxing in his arms just a little bit. He held his boyfriend gently to his chest while cooing little shushes of comfort. When Seb tried to speak, the croak of his voice on Blaine’s nickname hurt his ears and he wanted desperately to just to fucking fix it. He didn’t get to say much else before Sebastian was scrambling down the bed and around the door. Blaine was on his feet as fast as he could, he stayed close behind while saying a silent prayer to whatever god might be listening that he’d covered the windows in the apartment to block ut the melting Summer sun thankful that the rooms darkened as Sebastian bolted out of the room on long, unsteady legs. 

The terrible sound of gagging lead him into the bathroom and to the sight of Seb already draped over the toilet, gasping with his cheek pressed against the cold. Blaine was on his knees and next to Seb in seconds, his fingers pressing little circles into his back as Sebastian gagged again. Nothing really came out, he’d puked that up hours ago now- the alcohol was swimming through his bloodstream now but it didn’t matter- Sebastian’s body was telling him that he still felt sick and that he needed to purge whatever it was that was making him feel that way even if it were impossible.

Blaine couldn’t hear it at first as the other man was so quiet, he just took Sebastian’s scrunched-up face for pain- but slowly the soft sound of his boyfriend crying reached his ears and the sound broke him in a new place. He only managed to make Sebastian cry harder when he tried to comfort him more and it made him feel so small and useless. He thought he’d been helping by being here for him, but Sebastian sounded so fucking miserable and god, Blaine didn’t know what to fucking do. All the same, he couldn’t still his hands or stop his lips from whispering words of comfort, and when Sebastian actually reached for him, his eyes wide and pitiful, Blaine moved closer without hesitation and cradled his boyfriend in his arms as if he could protect him.

Sebastian sounded miserable and so sad with his resumed begging and Blaine wanted desperately to take the pain away from him. He wanted to take whatever horrible demon was making him want to poison himself away and lock it up so it couldn't hurt Sebastian ever fucking again. He wanted to but he didn’t know how and realistically he knew he couldn’t, Seb had to do it. Blaine couldn't only hold him through it.

It took Blaine two attempts to speak, his voice lost in trying to keep himself together.

“I-I… Seb, god-  I’m not leaving you ever again, I promise you. P-please.” He sniffled and took a deep breath, “Please don’t think that, I’m right here, I’ve got you.. I love you and whatever it is we can work it out, you did not mess anything up, I promise. Right now I  just need you to breathe for me, okay? Just breathe. When you’re ready we can sit on the couch or even right here and talk about what happened and I’ll do whatever you need, but you’ve got to try to breathe, baby.” He took another steadying breath as Seb cried a little harder, 

He almost choked on his words, his own tears threatening, but he kept them back in favor of wiping Seb’s away. He wondered if he’d dream about Sebastian’s gut-wrenching sobs when he was alone in his bed next- when Seb eventually had to go back home. He clung a little tighter, the thought of letting him go was far too much to think about right now.

“I’ve got you now… P-please, don’t cry.”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian melted into Blaine’s arms. He let the other man wipe the hot, itchy tears from his face and tried to match his breathing to B’s heartbeat. Seb knew that his boyfriend’s words were genuine but felt like he didn’t deserve any of them. 

The two of them sat on the floor for what felt like hours, their breathing in tandem as Sebastian calmed down as much as he could. Blaine helped him up off of the floor and led him to the living room. Seb pressed his throbbing head into an overstuffed throw pillow and closed his eyes while the other man started messing around in the little kitchen. He still felt sick but knew that he needed to suck it up and explain himself. B brought him a glass of water and two Ibuprofen and headed back to the kitchen to make two pieces of buttered toast. The thought of eating was simultaneously pleasing and sickening. He knew he needed to and that it would give B a little relief. Seb took the pills and slowly ate his food. Soot found her way into the living room and lay like a little loaf of bread on his lap. Her constant, low purr felt comforting. It was almost as if she knew just what he needed, just like her dad. 

Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose and scrubbed his hands over his face. He knew it was time to talk. Blaine deserved to hear the whole story.

“My dad and I got into it over the phone. He just knows how to push all of my buttons in the worst way. It was about school and it escalated. He called me a fuck up as if I don’t know that already. I just thought…that I could take one shot to take the edge off.” 

He felt miserable retelling the events of the evening but pushed himself to continue.

“I’m struggling to remember the in-between and I hate that so much. It makes me feel disgusted. I wish I could tell you more.”

Sebastian knew that Blaine would understand, he just really wanted to fill in the blanks. 

He felt like he might cry again. This had to be the most crying he had done in fucking years. He hated it.

Sebastian clutched Blaine’s hand as if his life depended on it “I won’t do anything like this ever again. I swear.”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine did his best to keep his hands steady as he buttered the toast he was making for Sebastian. The room was dark aside from the little fairy lights he had strung up and still, he wondered if those might be too bright for his boyfriend's throbbing head. He knew Seb probably wouldn’t or couldn’t eat just yet, that the water and pain medicine he’d taken might not actually stay down, but he needed to try. The sight of Seb with his head pressed into a pillow on the back of the couch and little Soot curled up and purring softly in his lap was almost enough to make him smile. He gently set the plate down on the coffee table and moved to gently press himself into Seb’s side, he refrained from holding on too tight so that Seb could move freely if he felt sick again. 

“She loves you.” He mumbled the words almost absently while dancing his fingers over her sleek black fur, she trilled in response and snuggled deeper into Seb’s lap. Before Blaine could say much more Sebastian was talking in a rough shaky voice and Blaine found himself swallowing tears again as he listened to his boyfriend try and tell last night's story.

“I’m sorry about your dad, Seb. It seems like the two of you would benefit from having a talk. Doesn’t he see the effort you’ve put in this year? I mean, I’ve seen firsthand how much work you’re putting in at school and with your life, this incident aside. I mean, you’re doing school work in the summer… Not everyone can say that.  Why can’t he see that?” Blaine shook his head trying to wrap it around the missing four years and what all may have happened with his dad. “I think he tried to call you this morning, your mom, too. I didn’t answer, I don’t really know where I stand with them or what they know about us, so maybe when you feel better you could at least call your mom and tell her you’re safe, please. Your phone is on my charger in the bedroom.” He trailed off, his eyes trained on Sebastian’s exhausted, sad face. God, what he would give to take that sorrow away from him….

‘I-I didn't know how bad it was, and I’m sorry for not really looking- maybe I didn’t want to, but I’m looking now and I’m still not going anywhere, okay? You are not a fuck up. You’re not less of a person because of this, it does not define you.” He swallowed hard, trying his best to keep from fretting about what might have happened in the in-between. The hazy words of the girls were trying to form around his brain, something about Seb dancing and drinks paid for by a man following Seb around, which is why they were watching him in the first place. But they said that Seb only danced and drank and drank and was alone when they found him outside. So that had to count for something. He took a deep breath before speaking wanting to be comforting but not wanting to give a false statement because he didn’t know, he couldn't. 

“Sometimes you don't get to know, Seb. I don’t get to know either. You have to live with that and I do too, but it's okay. Aside from the obvious pain you caused yourself, I don’t think you did anything wrong. According to your guardian angels, all you did was dance and deflect. Please don’t think about it too much, okay? Maybe it’ll all come back to you one day and then you can tell me about it, yeah? You can tell me because I’ll be here to listen. I’m always going to be here.”

He hoped his words were getting through, he hoped he was making sense and didn't sound too soft or too callous. He just didn't want to lose his boyfriend to this. He wouldn’t. He refused and maybe that’s why he didn’t sugarcoat everything. Seb truly sounded like he meant his promise, but what happened when he got into it with his dad again? What happened if Seb wasn't so lucky next time?

“Listen, please don’t- I-I don’t want you to promise me that, Seb. You can’t promise me that because you might and if you do it was just a broken promise. So don’t do that. You have to know you might- I know it. But it can get better. We’re going to get through it. You’re my person and  I will do whatever I can to help you through this. I just wish I had just noti-” He cut himself off because he’d said this already- he wished he had noticed it better. It was redundant at this point, “You know, it doesn’t matter now. I see it now and we’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. So, if you want to promise me something, if you want to swear to me then swear to me you’ll get help. Swear that you’ll let me help you as you've helped me. It might be difficult and it might hurt,  but I’m up for it. I won’t be running away anymore, I’m here for the long haul.”

He moved closer, scooping Seb into his arms while trying not to disturb Soot. He was proud of himself for getting everything out without crying again. How long it would last though? He didn’t know.

“I hope you know how important you are to not just me, but others as well- your mom, Hunter,  your dad even though he has a shitty way of showing it.”  He pressed a kiss to the side of Seb’s tear-stained face. “I want you to be here with me in a year, I want you to be okay. Tell me what you want to come out of all of this- Last night, today… tomorrow?”

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian knew that everything Blaine was saying was true. He knew that candy coating things wouldn’t help and that he needed to hear the truth. That didn’t mean that it didn’t sting a little bit, though. Acknowledging the truth never felt good but it had to be done. B didn’t realize how wise he was and if Seb told him that, he’d just deny it. 

“You're right.” He squeezed the other man’s hand. “I just need to work on getting better. No empty promises. I’ll get help. I need to get better about taking and refilling my meds, and should probably go back to therapy. Maybe even AA. Would you go with me?”

It hurt him to hear Blaine worry about him being around in a year, all of the implications of the phrase weighed on him. “ I just want to do better.”

They were quiet for a few moments before Sebastian spoke up. “I’m not ready to have a deep conversation with my father. I don’t know if that’s something that will ever happen. There’s just no talking to him. He doesn’t listen. There is a lot to unpack there and I'm just not ready to.”

The two of them stayed cuddled up on the couch in silence for a while. Sebastian’s stomach felt like it was finally settling but his head felt like it would never feel normal again. “I don’t miss this hangover shit at all.” His grumpy voice made his boyfriend laugh which in turn made him laugh with a few oww!’s mixed in. Moments like these would be the little things that he would hold onto, the things that he would do better for. 

“You’re important to me too, you know. Just in case I don’t say it enough.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine felt a pleasing little flutter of happiness stir in his chest when Sebastian asked him if he’d go with him to meetings. He gave the other man a tentative smile as if to ask if he was sure he wanted him there for something like that. The trust his boyfriend was displaying here was immense and Blaine answered without giving it much more thought at all.

“Absolutely. Well, I mean, if I’m allowed to. I don’t know much about AA meetings, but I know there are open and closed meetings in um, the abuse meetings I’ve  been to- I’ve only been to a few, opting more for therapy and one on one time. But, during open meetings loved ones can come, I don’t think I can come to a closed one, but I’ll go with you anyway and I’ll wait right outside for you until you’re finished. Open meetings talk with you and your family, or partner about where you stand and so on, I think and can go into that for sure. I’ll start looking into options- you should, too. Maybe they can help you figure out why you do it, what’s actually going on with you. I’ll be right there with you, or very close the whole time. I promise. And for what it’s worth, I believe you.  I believe that you want to do better. I think you will.”

The words came out fast, there was a flash of hope just itching under his skin and he had to squish it down a little lest it feel like a broken promise to himself. Still, having just a bit of hope felt good, and having a direction to move felt like progress at least for the night.

“I understand about your dad, Seb, I do.” He hesitated for a moment, not wanting to make it about himself, but he wanted to show Sebastian that he understood, even if it were only a little. “Talking to Cooper can get like that-I get a little triggered  with his words sometimes. He’s not as bad as your dad, no, but he almost treats me like I’m something to be dealt with and he’s too tired to do it. He was worse with me before he found out about what Kurt was doing, he’s better, but we still aren’t as close as we could be. I think he still holds resentment because everything became about me when our parents died because I was still a minor and his life was uprooted and he had to come to play parent and he didn’t get to mourn properly. Like it was a piece of cake for me or something… Anyway,” He shrugged, trying not to think about Coop and his unfair resentment in greater detail  and nuzzled into Sebastian a little closer, exhaustion creeping up on him.

“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t expect you to fix everything with your dad and that you may never be ready, he may not either. But when and if you are, I’ll be there to help you through the hard parts. I just want you to remember how you felt last night and how you feel right now and maybe do something with that feeling that won’t hurt you like last night. I hate seeing you in pain like this. Also, you don’t have to call her, but please maybe send your mom a message? She deserves to know you’re okay.”

 He cleared his throat, sitting quiet with Seb for a moment, wondering if he was even making sense at this point. How tired they must both be. He let out a sleepy laugh at Seb’s hangover gripe, glad that Seb could find a bit of humor in the whole thing. “I’ll bet. Oh, and yes, it’s been almost twenty-four hours since you called me...” 

Blaine blushed at the sentiment, it felt good to be important to someone. He paused, watching Sebastian close his eyes, probably fighting off a wave of pain or fatigue. He knew they needed to sleep and that Seb would have to go home tomorrow and the thought scared the shit out of him. He wasn’t ready to send him on his way yet. Like nothing had happened. He had a few vacation days, maybe they could make a week of it. He was nervous to ask though- why would Seb want to spend a week here when he had the sleekest apartment Blaine had ever seen and Blaine lived in a shoebox. A cozy, safe, shoebox. Blaine smiled to himself, he had made this place the safest spot he knew, it was tiny  but inviting and always made Blaine feel better, especially when Seb was there with him. Maybe Seb needed a little bit of that safety right now too. Blaine could help keep him safe. Seb loved him, he thought he was important so maybe he’d stay, just for a little bit. He took a deep breath to quell his nerves.

“So,  I was thinking that maybe you might want to spend a few nights or even the week here with Soot and me? I have a few personal days to use and I work all the time for them so it won’t be an issue, they kinda owe me. We could get some of your clothes and such from your apartment and we could just spend the week  just getting you feeling better. Classes don’t start for a week, we can relax. We can do whatever you want. I know it’s not your home, and I’ll understand if you want to go back tomorrow, but I’d really love it if you’d stay with me.”

Sure, Seb had stayed the weekend before, but he always went back after two days or so.. Blaine supposed it was so they could live their own lives and do their own thing. They needed that even if he missed him when they were apart.. But this was different, maybe they needed this too.

 “Soot would love it, too. I mean look at that sweet face.”

Sebastian’s POV:

 Sebastian appreciated all of Blaine’s support and kind words. He could already picture him politely perched on a bench outside of a meeting, waiting patiently for him to finish up. Blaine had done so much for him the past 24 hours. He had lost sleep and went out of his comfort zone to sweep him up off of the street. Seb wasn’t sure he could pay his boyfriend back but he would sure as hell try. Whether it was in kisses, sighs, or smiles, he would be completely content repaying his debt. 

 “I really am so thankful for all that you’ve done and I know that you understand me better than anybody else.” Sebastian lifted his chin and leaned in close for a gentle kiss. “I know you must really love me, I wouldn’t kiss me right now. My breath is terrible. “

 The thought of spending more than a day or two at Blaine’s sounded amazing. “Since Soot asked so nicely, I’ll stay. I’m sure the three of us will get up to plenty of shenanigans  but I think some solid sleep would do us all some good. And then maybe we can head over to my pace to grab a few things in the morning.” Blaine smiled and nodded and they fell into the bed and let themselves melt into the pillows for hours.

___

The following days were exactly what the two of them needed. Blaine’s apartment had a special quality to it that made it feel like it existed on its own, untouched by anybody else and unseen. Their days were filled with homemade meals, walks to the bodega around the corner, and a few passionate nights where their skin felt so hot it could rival the summer sidewalks of New York City. Sebastian didn’t want to go home and would catch himself daydreaming about a day where he didn’t have to. A day where he got to feel safe next to Blaine every night. One day. He hoped Blaine had the same day dream. 

 /fin.

[colorsicantsee]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (LATE AUGUST/YEAR 1)-It’s Supposed To Be Fun Turning Twenty-One (Part One)

Sebastian *Self Para: (Part One of Two) It’s Supposed To Be Fun Turning Twenty-One 

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee 

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. The weekend after Sebastian’s 21st Birthday which is August 27. (About a month after Please Remind Me Who I Really Am.)

Location:  The bar/Blaine’s Apartment- Brooklyn, New York

Info:  Sebastian struggles with the demons of his past and ends up in a very real and very scary situation.

Warnings; please read: This para has themes of alcohol addiction, depression/anxiety, and mentions of unwanted sexual advances while under the influence of alcohol. This RP in general has themes of past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. He is not a nice man at all. Never will be in this RP. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From:  Taylor Swift- All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version)

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

 (I’d like to be my old self again

but I’ll still trying to find it)

Keep reading

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

We didn’t quite make it back for a January post but we promise we’re working on two big things that will be up Mid February to Early March. We’ve had to accept that we’re just not going to be as active as we used to be or would like to be, life is just in the way. But, we are going to be continuing to write for this RP and our other one (Witch) because we love these boys and their stories. We just aren’t going to be timely anymore. We will never just abandoned either one though, we promise! They will have proper endings. We have so much more to tell anyway.

Stick around for a very painful Seb centric para in the next month or so!

Thanks for sticking around. We’ll see you all soon!   ♥

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

We are sooo happy everyone seems to be enjoying the new updates! The next para’s are pretty Sebastian centric and are probably gonna cause some painful feelings so be on the lookout for it in the new year.  ♥

Thanks for your patience with us!

Happy Yule/Holidays to all of you! We’ll be back in January. :)

-S(Blaine) & H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (EARLY AUGUST/YEAR 1)-Please Remind Me Who I Really Am

Para: Please Remind Me Who I Really Am

Rating: PG-13.

Pairing: Seblaine.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee 

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. Early August, the same night as the previous para -My Heart Stops When You Look At Me

Location: Blaine’s Apartment- Brooklyn, New York

Info:  Sebastian surprises a lonely and anxious Blaine after figuring out that Blaine isn’t actually okay. Blaine tells him about Kurt and a question causes Sebastian to finally let all of his walls come down in a heartbreakingly beautiful display.

Warnings; please read: This para has mentions of abuse (physical, mental, and sexual), anxiety, and a description of a panic attack. The word r*pe is also used once, and other sexual assault instances are implied. This RP in general has themes of past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. He is not a nice man at all. Never will be in this RP. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From: Dark Side- Kelly Clarkson

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine wasn’t sure how long he let himself sit, curled up on the floor with his doting cat purr-snoring beside him, but when he finally was able to move, his shirt was dry and his body ached deeply with the anxiety of the evening and from sitting in the same spot for so long. When he finally let himself look at his discarded phone, it read 8:38 p.m. across a photo of Sebastian and him smiling into the camera from the old couch in Blaine’s living room. His heart ached with a need for Sebastian to be there, but he managed to stand up and make his way to the refrigerator so that he could get himself a bottle of water. After over seven months of letting Sebastian touch him, it still baffled him that he’d gone from being terrified of anyone touching him, to craving Sebastian’s touch. Only Seb’s, but it was still a big deal to him. Now he was addicted and knowing that he’d have to wait tomorrow for his favorite drug was all but killing him.

 He took a long drink from his water bottle, letting the liquid cool him down. He hated how worked up he was, hated that he wasn’t able to fully calm down. The fear of Kurt looming over him, finding his home, hurting him was still very much in his face and he knew he needed to take care of himself or he’d be useless tomorrow. He didn’t want to spend his day and night with Sebastian sobbing or stuck in another loop of anxiety, so he finished his water and then leaned down to scoop up his kitten. He made his way to his bedroom first, his hand reaching around the doorless entry to feel for his light switch, once he was sure his minuscule, comfortable bedroom was safe he sat Soot on his bed where she promptly started to clean her shiny black fur, and then made his way to his closet to look for pajamas. He selected a pair of dark grey sweats and a red long-sleeved t-shirt. He was still hot, but the thought of his skin out and exposed to the air made him want to throw up, so after his shower, he’d just turn his fan on high and face it directly at himself. 

 He once again scooped up his cat, wanting to keep her just as safe as he was trying to keep himself, and made his way to the bathroom and once he was sure it was safe for them he sat her down on the floor, making sure the door was locked before he let himself undress and shower. He pressed his back against the wall as he attempted to wash Kurt’s touch on his skin away and he scrubbed far too hard and his skin was red and too sensitive when he dressed, brushed his teeth, and then combed his hair. He still felt dirty though, like maybe all of his hard work and all of his progress was for nothing. Like it had been reset. He knew that wasn’t the case though, his body still wanted nothing more than for Sebastian to be wrapped around it, but right now everything felt hopeless. 

 A little part of him wished he had taken Sebastian up on his Postmates offer, but then again, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to actually eat anything. He felt squeamish and a little nauseated, and perhaps it was just the thought of the sweet gesture that he really found appealing. He made himself a hot cup of chamomile tea instead and used it to chase down his anxiety medicine and then after checking to make sure his apartment was clear once more and that his locks were secure, he let himself curl up under the soft blanket that hung over the back of his couch, his movie, Ever After flashing softly across his television screen was the only source of light, like being in the dark would hide him away from what scared him. 

 By 10:25  p.m. Soot was already purring her comforting little sounds as she snoozed, her little body snuggled into his belly. His and his long-sleeved shirt didn’t seem so crazy when his shitty air conditioner, which never seemed to work properly, suddenly felt freezing cold with the added gusts of air from his fan and he felt like maybe he’d never be warm again. He let himself lie and shiver with it though, thinking that maybe the cold would help his skin stay numb so that he wouldn’t have to feel the lingering and unwanted touches of his ex-boyfriend in places that Kurt hadn’t touched in so long yet somehow felt fresh and like it had all happened yesterday. 

 Breathe in and back out again, Blaine. Count to ten. You’ve got this.

 He tried his hardest to just breathe and as Danielle and her prince kissed in front of flickering flames Blaine thought of kissing Sebastian and wondered if he’d finished his paper yet and if maybe he was thinking of him too. He hoped he was, and the thought brought him a tiny little sliver of solace.

Sebastian’s POV:

The evening had been a blur of blue light, too many cigarettes and mugs of coffee. Sebastian stretched his legs out underneath his desk and yawned. It felt like he had been working on this paper for an eternity, no matter how much he typed it seemed like the clock didn’t move. He only had two pages left to get through and his research had been thorough but it felt like all that he was doing was repeating himself over and over with splashes of words he’d found on thesaurus.com. School was fucking hard for him now. It hadn’t been like that in high school but, after the last few years, Seb had fallen out of every good habit that he had. He hated that he procrastinated so much and the annoyed look in his professor’s eyes like they knew he didn’t deserve to be there. Sebastian had had every intention of starting the assignment early but he found himself lost in Blaine’s hands or pressing snooze too many times or staring too long at the glass bottles on the shelves in the back of convenience stores. 

 In the back of his head, he thought of Blaine and how he’d be with him tomorrow night. They’d be curled up under his boyfriend’s old blankets like little kids in a homemade fort and god,  it felt like they’d been apart for much too long. Get this shit finished and you’re just that much closer to seeing him. Blaine’s name and laughing smile flashed across his screen like he knew Seb was thinking about him.  He was happy to hear Blaine’s voice but he didn’t sound like himself. He sounded like he was walking fast and a little shaky. 

 The conversation was strange. Blaine called and wasn’t really acting like himself but insisted everything was fine. Seb had an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach as he began to type again. Something was wrong and B was lying, he probably felt guilty or something because Sebastian had bitched about the paper all week in text messages. Something was just off- had he gotten in trouble at work? Did he have a shitty customer? Well, it was New York. Of course, he probably had. He decided that he didn’t care how the paper ended, it just needed to. Sebastian rushed through his closing statements and sent the email off with a small exhausted sigh. 

 It was sort of late but he decided that he was going to head over to his boyfriend’s place anyway. He took a quick shower to scrub the dust of collegiate stress off of his skin and threw on his favorite grey sweatpants and a dark green tee shirt. Seb threw some clothes, toothpaste, and deodorant into his backpack and messaged for an Uber (no need to wake his driver.) Once his car arrived he asked them if they’d stop at the closest pizza place, it didn’t matter which one as long as it was greasy and hot. 

Sebastian hopped out of the car once they were at Blaine’s building, his phone cradled in between his shoulder and ear, the pizza box awkwardly in his hands, his Nike backpack hanging from the crook of his elbow.  It rang a few times before B finally picked up. 

 “Hey, can you buzz me in? I wanna see you.”

Once the door opened for him, Sebastian bounded up the stairs and was pretty proud of himself for not dropping anything as he hurried to get to the other man’s door. He knocked on the door and heard slight movement inside of the apartment, it was probably Soot investigating who dared knock at this time of night. Sebastian rocked back on his heels as the door slowly opened. Blaine didn’t look okay, he looked worn out and frail and the weird feeling rumbled in his stomach again. 

 “Hey… I finished the paper.” 

Seb smiled but it felt tight. He offered the pizza box to Blaine, “and I brought you the greasiest, cheesiest pizza I could find. Can I come in?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine was still curled up on his couch- sniffling, and still uncontrollably teary-eyed over the evening’s events and the ending of his romantic movie- which was ridiculous because he’d seen it hundreds of times. He couldn’t help himself though, whenever she said just breathe he saw a little bit of himself in the heroine. When the sound of his phone pierced through the air and caused him to jump so hard he almost knocked Soot off the couch from her spot curled up against his stomach. Confusion washed over him as Sebastian’s face, sporting his for Blaine only smile flashed across his screen. The time displayed showed it was just after midnight and what the hell? Seb shouldn’t be calling him now, he should be exhausted from his paper and getting ready to sleep. Was something wrong? Oh god, what if something happened to him? Memories of another horrible, unexpected phone call with the devastating news of both of his parents’ deaths washed over him and his stomach dropped to the ground as he sat up and tried to steady his hands enough to answer the damn phone. 

 Before he could get much out, Seb's chipper for midnight voice was on the other end asking if he could come up, telling Blaine he wanted to see. It made Blaine’s stomach flutter and he didn’t have much time to question why Sebastian was here before the other man hung up. All he knew was that he was and as he made his way over to the door to buzz his boyfriend in Blaine worried that maybe Sebastian’s chipper voice was a lie. Maybe Seb had figured out that Blaine hadn’t been truthful and he was coming over here to tell him how he felt about that. One look at Blaine’s red and puffy face and raw skin would be enough to tell Sebastian that Blaine wasn’t fine. Would he be angry at him? Would he yell? Of course not, he’s not Kurt. Maybe he just misses you and has no idea anything is wrong at all. 

 His heart was thumping so hard against his ribcage as he slowly unlocked each of his locks, partly because he was nervous that he’d break like a toothpick as soon as he saw his boyfriend and partly because he was nervous Sebastian might be upset with him for his deception. Maybe he could tell something was wrong and then just felt obligated to come over and babysit his ridiculous boyfriend. Blaine opened his mouth to ask Seb if everything was okay, but as he got a good look at him his words caught in his throat like unshed tears and he couldn’t get them out.  

 Sebastian stood there with an overnight bag, his best sweats, and a giant box of pizza that smelled so good, and yet made Blaine’s stomach turn at the same time. His boyfriend’s light brown hair appeared to be slightly damp and god, he looked so inviting. Blaine wanted to reach out and pull him close. Seb’s little smile showed his adorable crooked tooth and even though it was beautiful Blaine could tell that Seb was holding back. His boyfriend seemed to be not quite sure why he was standing in Blaine’s shitty building at Midnight when he should be resting after his hard work, it was like he just knew he should be. Blaine nodded his consent, his vocal cords refusing to work.

 He let Seb step inside, he wasted no time securely locking the two of them safely in the apartment. He stood next to his boyfriend feeling raw and exposed and terrified of the water dam emotion sitting heavy on his throat, choking him and making it next to impossible to talk. He was terrified that if he spoke or leaned in for his hello kiss that he’d burst into tears and god, how unfair was that to Sebastian? He looked up at him through wide eyes and forced himself to speak even though the words came out too soft. Had Sebastian taken an Uber this late? The thought jarred him as images of Sebastian getting taken away from him plagued his miserable head now. 

 ‘Why did y-you come all the way over here this late? It's not safe for you…” 

 He trailed off and Blaine could hardly bear to look at Sebastian anymore, his boyfriend looked so fucking soft and inviting and the air around him smelled smoky and clean at the same time and Blaine felt hot and his heart and arms were achy with the want to just fall into him and he felt embarrassed by how easy it was for Sebastian to undo him. Blaine was getting exactly what he wanted, Seb was here and he brought food and god, it was like he just knew that Blaine needed him. He shook his head and reached for Seb’s hand, wanting to just lean in for a hello kiss, but as soon as their skin made contact Blaine was crumbling and falling down, down, down in his fear and panic and he clung to the safest thing he knew. Suddenly it was hard to breathe and he was fighting his anxiety meds in a new attempt at a panic attack and then his arms were around Sebastian and his face was tucked and hidden in Seb’s neck and he was uselessly fighting back tears as he tried to melt into his boyfriend. 

 How had Seb known he needed him?

He held onto his boyfriend like a lifeboat.

 “P-please...” 

He didn’t know what he was begging for, but saying please to Seb felt like fresh air to lungs that had been underwater and drowning- almost dead. So different from the small way he’d said it to Kurt just hours ago.

 “Please, please…”

Sebastian’s POV:

Blaine was suddenly in Sebastian's arms, the pizza box awkwardly balanced in one hand. He could feel his boyfriend’s rapid heartbeat like an anxious butterfly trapped in a windowpane and his breath was hot and labored. Seb wasn’t sure what Blaine was asking for or what had triggered all of this but, his gut feeling had been right.  He held Blaine for a few moments before he gently pulled away. 

 “Let’s go to the couch.”

Sebastian set the pizza on the coffee table and sat down on the couch first so that B could fall into him.  He knew that his role in this situation was to comfort his boyfriend and to be his strength but there was an acidic swirl of annoyance underneath his understanding. Why hadn’t B been truthful on the phone in the first place? This was obviously bad and he was scared to hear of what had happened to elicit such a reaction. A ping of guilt seemed to flick him in the side of the head like a disappointed Grandmother after that thought. He was being hypocritical. Sebastian shook away his thoughts as this all seemed a little selfish as Blaine shook at his side. 

 “Hey, you need to tell me what’s going on…” 

 He rubbed circles into the small of the other man’s back and gave Blaine silence until he was ready to speak. Sebastian may have been broken himself but he would always scrabble to get his jagged little pieces together for Blaine to have something to lean on. He wished he had all of the answers or knew exactly what to do but, he just didn’t. Seb hoped that he could remedy this situation or at least place a band aid on it. Anything to get B up and running and smiling again. 

 “I  can't fix it if I don’t know what happened….”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine let himself be led to the couch, his body folding into Sebastian’s side as his boyfriend sat down. He wished he could make himself calm down but his body felt overstimulated and his brain buzzed with nothing but Sebastian’s name followed by please over and over again. Blaine pressed himself as tightly as he could into Sebastian’s side and let him rub circles into his back, his voice gentle and soothing as he tried to coax what happened out of him, As much as he wanted to just be done with it because Seb was here now, he was safe and loved and if Kurt showed up his boyfriend wasn’t going to let anything happen to him. However, Blaine knew that he just had to feel this for a second. He needed to feel the desperation for his person and to be impossibly close and vulnerable for a little bit before he could really calm down and breathe. 

 He nodded trying to tell Sebastian without words that he knew and he understood that he needed to talk to him. He just needed a moment. Sebastian seemed to understand. Blaine’s cheek was pressed tight to Seb’s chest, his eyes closed as let his fingers toy with the material of Sebastian’s shirt, rubbing the fabric between his fingers, the repetitive motion calming him just a bit more.  He sniffled, his tears slowly subsiding along with his breathing and heart rate. Two panic attacks in one day? Good job, Blaine. Still, he’d take the one where Sebastian was pressed against him over the bullshit that was earlier. He gave himself a few more moments trying to make sure he was actually okay enough before he gently sat up. He reached for Seb’s hand, his fingers resuming their rubbing motion on his skin this time as he tried to get his thoughts into order.

 “I-it’s not your job to f-fix everything for me, Seb. Just hearing your voice earlier helped me so much.” It hurt his heart that Sebastian thought he had to fix everything as did the worried, slightly upset look on his boyfriend’s pretty face. Blaine didn’t want him to think that and hated that he made him look that way. He swallowed, knowing he had to keep going. “I, uh, I wasn’t really honest with you earlier and I’m so sorry. I guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was. I just-” He shook his head and bit his bottom lip, steadying himself to keep going. 

 “I just didn’t want to be a burden when you have so much going on, I-I know I shouldn’t have done that and I should have given you more credit.” He thought back to the reason they broke up four years ago in the first place- because Blaine was afraid of Seb resenting his sorrow and pain. And now he was doing it again. “I promise I’m going to try and get better at letting you help me. Okay? I just… was afraid of putting you behind.” He took a deep breath, sort of proud of himself for getting that first part out. 

 “That being said, I um… Well, K-Kurt showed up at my work today. It was pretty awful. To the outsider, he may have looked just like a normal customer but he was so horrible, Seb. His meanness was hidden right there in plain sight and only I could feel it. I-I tried, I almost did it- I almost made it through, your text actually helped me and I was proud of myself for a split second and then he fucking tricked me and t-touched me and I failed...” He sniffled and let out a mirthless laugh that was too loud in the apartment with only Soot’s little snore-purrs from her new spot on Seb’s other side and the low hum of the television. He knew he wasn’t finished talking, that he needed to actually tell Seb the whole story, but saying as much as he did was enough to start him up again. He felt guilt and fear, but his hopelessness had slowly been replaced with hope just by having Seb here with him. 

 “I-I felt just like a trapped mouse again...”

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian took a deep breath and let Blaine concentrate on the motion of his fingers against his skin. “ Thank you, B. We honestly both need to work on it. Please listen, you’re not a burden.” Fuck, he knew that feeling. How many times had he felt like a mess that Hunter needed to run behind to catch the jagged edges that fell from him? How often the acidic rise of shame hit the back of his throat and made him gag when he remembered his mother’s beautiful face crumpled up and wet.

He pulled the other man a little closer to his side and gave him a squeeze. Seb wished that they could just melt into one another and exist in a safe space where nobody could reach them. Maybe they could float away like a puff of smoke on a midnight cigarette and lay across the stars. Or they could fall through the floorboards like a spilled glass of wine and nobody would ever know but the two of them. 

 Sebastian’s body had a visceral reaction to the sound of Kurt's harsh name uttered in the safety of the apartment.  His mouth felt dry and his mind was taken over by terrible thoughts. He knew B would never support violence but fuck, did he want to slap the kid. Kurt was so fucking petulant, so bitter and cold. Seb had done some really bad things, but what kind of a person went out of their way to abuse somebody? 

“Hey, you did not fail. You...you have no control over what other people do. You were touched without consent. That is not your fault. .” The sting of tears was suddenly behind his eyes as he said that out loud, it was something he needed to hear, too. He shook his head and cleared his throat, “Does he get off on this or something? Jesus Christ.” Sebastian chewed his bottom lip, his foot began to tap agitatedly against the wooden floor. His voice came out harsher than it needed to be, “He is not powerful enough to trap you. Nobody is. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. God, I fucking hate him. But you know what, you got out of there and you're safe.” 

 “What else happened?”

 Blaine’s POV:

 Blaine let himself be pulled closer to his boyfriend, Seb’s arms around him felt so good and the desire to just fade into him became even stronger as he was reassured. Of course, Sebastian would handle his panic perfectly. It truly was as if they were meant to be together and times like this further showed Blaine that truth. How had Blaine ever let him go? He nodded as he listened, trying to take the things that were being said to him to heart so that he could hold onto them for another day when he was alone and upset again. He looked up at Sebastian as the other man reassured him and held him close, his boyfriend’s pretty green eyes were wide with unshed tears as he spoke- Was Sebastian crying?

 A wave of protectiveness washed over Blaine and he wanted nothing more than to wrap the two of them up in a thick blanket, lock the door, and block out the rest of the world with Soot as their little guard cat. Sebastian had gotten upset over Kurt touching him without consent… Had something like that happened to Seb or was he just angry that Kurt had once again taken advantage of Blaine? His words told him it might be both and he wanted to knock whoever might have hurt Seb on their ass just like he’d finally done to Kurt. 

 “I think he did. It was all a power trip for him. He didn’t love me or want to even be with me. He wanted something to control. He’d be a therapist’s dream… But you know, Kurt did a lot of little things without consent. Sometimes he’d trick me when we’d actually have sex he’d… accidentally forget to wear… you know, protection. Little things like that, which I understand now are not so little. I understand what he was actually doing to me. But then he’d hold me and kiss me and turn me around so that I could face him and then he’d make it sweet only to call me pathetic when it was all over, all because I wanted some sort of connection. And then he stopped touching me altogether. I’m not sure what was worse...” 

Blaine couldn’t quite bring himself to say the word rape, which is what unprotected sex without the knowledge that it’s happening actually is, but knowing it and saying it are very different things and Blaine wasn’t quite ready to get that out between them, especially considering it took him so much therapy to understand the severity of what was happening to him. “Embarrassingly enough I let it happen far too much all because I just wanted something, anything. I actually probably would have been okay with it if he had just asked… He never did though.  And the fact that he’d still be so cruel and casual about it made me realize I must be very hard to love. I suppose I still think I might be hard to love” He cleared his throat and pulled Seb closer so he could press a kiss to his jaw. “Though you loving me does kind of prove that wrong.” He let out a little sniffly laugh.

 “I’m safe now with you, Seb. Thank you for saying that- you… you’re so fucking sweet, and you’re safe too, you know?” He paused, wanting to ask Seb about his display of emotion but also not wanting to pressure him. Surely Seb would tell him if something had happened, right? Seb has always been so vague about his past. Sure, Blaine knew some messed up things had gone down, but Seb liked to keep it all at arm’s length, he’d talk a little about it and then shut it out, almost like he only thought about it when he was forced to and Blaine wasn’t going to force him to talk. So he kept talking about what happened, explaining to Sebastian how Kurt made him feel- trying not to leave out any details of his run-in with Kurt. He told him about how he threw the food and coffee away, and even about Kurt calling him cheap and his embarrassment over not having the voice to defend Sebastian. 

 “I think you’re worth a billion of him, Seb. I just… I was frozen, I wanted him to leave. This is why I feel like I failed… I understand if you’re upset that he got away with it, but it’s not true. He’s a piece of shit that will never know love the way you and I do.”

Blaine talked and sniffled and talked and clung to Seb and once he had exhausted himself talking about his less than twenty-minute interaction with Kurt that ruined his whole evening, yet had also brought Sebastian to him, he finally couldn’t take it anymore. Here he was talking about himself and Seb was listening so well and yet, he was obviously struggling. No more bullshit about not wanting to overstep. His voice was soft and gentle when he spoke.

 “Seb? Did someone hurt you?’

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian listened intently to Blaine as he spoke. He had always imagined that Blaine’s four years without him were better than his. All that time spent secretly looking at B’s Instagram, daydreaming despite himself about how the two of them spent their time. He always imagined little perfect picnics, designer clothing, and kisses under Broadway lights. Sebastian clung to a tiny shred of hope that the other man was just maybe a little happy and safe, not hidden in dark blue shadows, wrapped in plumes of smoke like he had been, in between beds and hotel rooms, blindly walking around in circles. He hated that he had been wrong all of that time and that the two of them had more in common than he had ever wanted. 

Seb felt sick, the acidic burn of bile low in his throat. He nodded because he knew exactly how Blaine had felt, how violating that act was, how it felt to be used by somebody you didn’t trust. He pulled him closer to show he was there for him.

“You don’t need to defend me to him. I couldn't care less what he thinks of me. He knew you’d be scared. I promise that I’m not upset. I know what we have. I know that you love me.”

The front of his tee-shirt was damp from B’s tears and both of their hands felt clammy from holding onto one another. He didn’t like small messes and the feel of wet cloth against his skin would normally upset him but he found himself okay with it. It meant that the two of them were comfortable with each other and that was what really mattered right now. He wanted to make a joke about it to get a smile but Blaine had spoken before he could. 

Sebastian’s body went a little stiff when Blaine had quietly asked him if he had been hurt. He was positive that his boyfriend had noticed. Seb wasn’t sure how to answer the question. He bit back the reflex of spitting out a sarcastic reply. He needed to be honest and real about the past four years and he owed it to Blaine to stop being so vague all of the time. 

“Yeah. I...Well, Blaine, honestly...I’ve been hurt a lot. By other people and by myself.” Seb shrugged, “My body was the only thing I had power over and I just…gave up. I got myself in some fucked up situations and I was taken advantage of. I was always drunk and high and just...reckless.” He blew out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and felt the sting of tears again. Sebastian hadn’t spoken these words out loud before. Hunter and his mother knew and had assumed but he never opened up unless he was lashing out or fucked up or forced to. “I don’t even know where to start.” Suddenly Sebastian was crying and now his tears were staining B. His words were rushed and he didn’t stop until everything that he could remember was out. -

Sebastian had told him about how he thought there were videos of him somewhere, about waking up next to strangers and the aches in his body from hours of being blacked out, not sure what his body had been through. He told him about getting tricked into threesomes and going on dangerous meetups where he thought he might not return. He admitted that sometimes at night he felt phantom hands grab at him and his nightmares were full of sweaty bodies and leering, stretched smiles. 

He wiped at his face with rough hands, pissed off that he was crying when he needed to be there for the other man. 

“I wouldn’t fucking blame you if you think I’m beyond damaged goods at this point.”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine leaned into Sebastian’s touch, letting himself be held against his boyfriend’s body, and let his comforting words of how he wasn’t a failure and how strong he was rush over him. He still felt a little guilty about being too afraid to speak up in defense of Sebastian but the other man seemed sincere and the look in his eyes told Blaine he didn’t need to worry about it. Blaine was about to tell him that yes, he was right, he loved him more than anything. Wanted to tell him that loving him was the best feeling in the world when Seb was suddenly tripping over his words in an uncharacteristic manner and the words falling from his lips felt like little knife points breaking the surface of his skin all over. Suddenly everything had shifted and Seb was the one that needed Blaine now. Blaine needed and wanted so badly to get this right.

Sebastian’s shining eyes filled even more and whatever barrier was holding his tears back broke in a heartbreaking rush and Blaine’s breath caught in his throat as he listened to his charismatic, confident sure-footed boyfriend break apart in front of him. Blaine wasn’t exactly sure what he imagined Sebastian was doing while he was slowly withering away under Kurt’s harsh thumb, but this wasn’t it. From Instagram photos of a cheeky Seb with his arm casually slung over Hunter’s shoulder, or a smarmy smirking photo of Seb with a drink in his hand at some bar Blaine would have thought he was just living it up. He knew that Sebastian sort of struggled with substances but he always assumed it was controllable, now looking at his shaking boyfriend he wasn’t so sure. He’d thought Seb had moved on, that his bored online photos were proof of that, but he saw now that he was only seeing what he wanted to see. Because as much as Blaine ached for him over the last four years, he wanted nothing more than for Sebastian to find happiness even if it wasn’t with him. Just because Blaine had fucked them up didn’t mean that Seb needed to pine over him. But, he never imagined this. 

With each word his boyfriend spoke the knife points drove a little deeper and Blaine’s mending heart broke a little more in new places for someone else besides himself, his sad final words about being damaged goods driving the knives home. He felt a little selfish for crying about how Kurt didn’t let him properly mourn his parents, and for his fear and anxiety over what he’d gone through with Kurt. Seb had been out there slowly killing himself with the help of awful men that liked to take advantage of young boys, contributing to their fall. To hear that Seb had been used and abused and made to feel less than the remarkable person Blaine knew was like being hit in the face and left him with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach and even though the thought terrified him he wanted to cover Sebastian with his body and shield him from anyone else that would ever dare try and hurt him again.

It wasn’t the time for him to feel that guilt though, this wasn’t about him- he’d been blind by his need for Sebastian to make him feel better, not knowing just how much Seb might need him. It didn’t matter that Sebastian wasn’t as vocal, Blaine had always known that even before they fell in love- Blaine should have seen the small little signs. Instead of letting himself feel bad about it he turned in his seat and lifted up so that he was on his knees, making sure he was eye level with Sebastian for once. Gently he turned Sebastian’s tear-stained face towards him, making sure his movements were as soft as they could be as he leaned in and pressed a kiss against his lips. Wanting to show Sebastian that he’d never do anything like what he’d described to his body. 

“Listen, you are not an object, Sebastian.” His voice felt gravely and unused as he spoke, maybe it was because he didn’t often get to be the one to comfort. God he hoped he didn’t fuck this up and make Seb feel worse. “You’re a person, yeah, maybe you’re damaged, but so am I and we can help each other.'' He paused trying to find his words. “No one will ever get to take advantage of you or hurt you again. I will never trick you. I will never make you do anything that you don’t want to do.  I will listen when you need me and I’ll always keep you safe no matter how scared I get sometimes.” He swallowed hard and blinked back tears.

“Men may have left scars all over you, myself included, and I know I can’t take them away for you- but I promise you that I will spend every day reminding you that you are so much more than your scars and I promise you that you never have to feel that way again, okay?” He leaned in again and pulled Seb to him, wrapping his arms around him as tight as he could, almost as if he could hide Sebastian away inside of his chest and keep him safe there against his beating heart. He wondered if sex was always a bad experience for his boyfriend, did he actually enjoy it anymore or was it something else he did to heal Blaine?  He thought back to the last time they were in bed, how sweet yet passionately they moved together. Or was Blaine the exception? He found it hurt to think Sebastian had never had a good touch other than him. He held only his trembling boyfriend a bit longer before he slowly pulled back, his eyes finding Seb’s once more and his hands reaching out to cradle his face as gently as he could.

 “Was it always bad? Please tell me there were times when you were happy, the thought of you being hurt and miserable for all those years is too much, Seb.” He hadn’t meant for the question to sound so desperate and he wanted to kick himself for his tone.

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian blinked, little droplets were stuck on his eyelashes and his skin felt rashy and uncomfortable. He hated when he cried. He despised how ugly and broken his voice sounded, how his breath felt stuck in the back of his throat, the inevitable snot and taste of salt. Seb felt ashamed and out of control until he felt Blaine’s hands pull him back into the safe haven of the couch. He felt exhausted from all of the emotions that the two of them had exchanged in the short time they’d been together. This was the part about love that had always scared him-the dirty corners where vulnerability lurked. Before the two of them had reunited, that was the part of their story that always made him wince. How wide eyed and fast he fell, how willing he had suddenly been to let Blaine into every nook of his fucked up head. How he had always secretly craved somebody to be free around. Sebastian hated how bare he had been with Blaine at such a young age, how fast and recklessly they fell into their whirlwind romance. Yet here he was again, in his worn out converse at 16, raw like an open wound in front of his sepia eyed boy. 

 “Thanks, B.” Sebastian sniffed and swallowed the thick lump that always seemed to linger after tears. “We really are a mess, aren’t we? I know you’ve got me.” He gave Blaine another soft kiss and leaned into his soft touch. Sebastian was quiet for a few moments as he let his breath catch up with himself. “It wasn’t always bad. I like sex. I just....you know…” He shrugged, unsure of how to word it.  “I had fun sometimes but it definitely got dark. And I really love being with you. I feel comfortable and we’re on the same page and everything is consensual. Please, don’t doubt what we have.” 

Sebastian and Blaine held each other for a bit, just focused on each other and the places where their skin touched. He broke the silence ,“I just wanted to eat some fucking pizza.” He hoped it would make B laugh. 

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine watched as Sebastian fought inside his head, the struggle written across his handsome face. Blaine wished he knew what the other man was thinking so he could make it all better. Who knew that his own panic attack would lead to him getting even closer to Sebastian than ever. Who knew that tonight would give him the chance to help make his person feel better. It was needed, it made him feel some type of way to be able to do this with his boyfriend, to be able to be there for him and to allow Seb to share his pain in the same way Blaine had been doing. They needed this as a couple. He felt exposed, there were no more walls and now Blaine knew what to look for when Seb went dark on him. He sighed and pressed his forehead to Seb’s for a moment.

“I’ve always got you.”

He listened as Seb explained how it wasn’t always awful and he wasn’t always hurt, but there was still this lingering sadness that seemed to surround his boyfriend and Blaine truly understood it. It seemed the two of the had a pretty rough history with sex, both wanting it and hating it at the same time. But, when they were together it was almost as if they reset the bad- touching Sebastian and letting Sebastian touch him felt more than right. It was as if they were home when they were wrapped up in each other and no one else could ever make them feel the way they had before. He knew there would be rough days for the both of them, but as long as they remembered that they had each other they could get through it. 

“You’re right, we’re on the same page. I’m reminded of that every time we're together. You’re the only person I trust with my body, and I’m honored that you trust me with yours. I meant what I said- you never have to feel that way again. They can’t touch you here anymore and he can’t get to me either.”

He swallowed hard, fighting back another wave of tears but let out a real laugh at Sebastian's little joke and pressed his face into Seb’s shoulder for a moment to collect himself. His stomach, as if on cue, gave a little growl like maybe he could actually eat. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll go warm it up for us. Pick out a movie that we can talk through?”

He reluctantly untangled himself from his boyfriend, who was still a bit shaky and carried the pizza box into his little kitchen nook. He warmed a few slices for Seb and a couple for himself and carefully made Seb a cup of chamomile tea hoping it would calm his busy mind a little bit, and then got him some water before bringing it all back to their safe spot on his dingy couch. Soot was now curled all the way up in Sebastian’s lap like she could tell that he needed her love right now. It was almost too much for Blaine- the sight of Seb's feet now cozy and curled under him while he slowly petted the little kitten with Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants playing on the TV screen. His heart felt full of adoration and contentment after the rough, painful emotions of the past few hours and as he sat the food and drinks down he couldn’t stop the words. Words he’d said over and over again the past few months but felt new and raw each time he said them.

“I just love you so much.’

 Sebastian’s POV:

 Once they untangled and Blaine padded to the kitchen, his nerves fully settled. It was all out there now. They had just shared their deepest secrets and cried and B didn’t think he was something broken that needed to be thrown away. And there he was, standing in front of him with a plate full of food and some tea he hadn’t even asked for. Such a small, thoughtful gesture that Sebastian appreciated so damn much.

 The scent of the warm pizza and tea smelled a lot better than it should have as the steam swirled in front of him. He thanked his  boyfriend with a kiss on the cheek and he felt comfortable. He hoped B did too.  He definitely looked like it as he perched next to him on the couch, his bottle of water clasped in his hands as he looked at him wistfully. Sebastian would never get sick of that look in his eyes, the only gaze that didn’t make him feel ashamed. There was nowhere else in their loud, busy city he’d rather be. Seb had a cat, warm and vibrating with purrs, in his lap, some warm food, and a beautiful boy that he would fucking die for next to him. He wrapped an arm around Blaine’s shoulder and pulled him a little closer as Bridget ran in the sun, headed for a heartbreak that her soulmates would help her heal from. 

 “I just love you so much back.” 

 /fin.

[twoblueheartslocked]

SEBLAINE- PRESENT DAY (Early August/YEAR 1)-My Heart Stops When You Look At Me

Blaine Self Para Ft. Sebastian: My Heart Stops When You Look at Me

Rating: PG-13.

Pairing: (Seblaine.) Kurt Hummel and mentions of past Klaine are very present in this para.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee (Sebastian’s actual role player wrote his parts during the phone call at the end. The words they’ve written are marked with *’s.)

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day. Early August, about two weeks after Now I Wake Up By Your Side, My One and Only, My Lifeline 

Location: The Bookish  Barista- Brooklyn, New York

Info:  While working Blaine gets an unexpected and unwanted visitor. He tries his hardest to deal with his anxiety and panic without losing himself.

Warnings: This para features an appearance by Kurt Hummel. This para has mentions of abuse (physical, mental, and sexual), anxiety, and a description of a panic attack. This rp in general mentions past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), previous unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From: Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

Hi, we’re back to posting once or twice a month! 

Can you believe it’s been a Decade of Seblaine?! ♥️

  Just one touch  I can't sleep

 Blaine’s POV:

The searing August seemed to melt into the pavement in front of the Bookish Barista as Blaine served customer after customer their iced lattes and matcha iced teas. His coworkers were in a meeting for the next hour so he was the only one out front and normally that was just fine, but damn it was hot. The air conditioning in the coffee shop was on the fritz and Blaine wanted to melt right into the ground with the sun as another drop of sweat dripped down into his eyes. Why the hell hadn’t they fixed it yet? He glanced at his phone quickly, noting that it was going on six p.m.- one more hour and he’d get to finally go home, try and make himself eat something, shower, and maybe he and Soot could curl up next to his fan and watch something mindless for a little bit. 

She’d gotten only a tiny bit bigger over the last couple of months and he was constantly worried that she was lonely or underfed, not that Seb would allow her to starve, he helped make sure she had at least two bags of cat food at all times. Maybe she was just destined to be tiny like Blaine was. He smiled a bit to himself, letting the thoughts of her greeting him when he came home make him forget about the heat for a second. She may have been tiny, but she packed a big punch when she pounced him in greeting. He couldn’t wait to see her little face light up when he walked through the door.

He’d been at work since four am, it was already hot then as he walked the short distance from his apartment to his job, he could only imagine how miserable it was going to be walking home in an hour and he couldn’t believe how many people were coming in to get sickly sweet drinks and pastries in this weather, and that was coming from someone with a large sweet tooth. He served them with a smile all the same, but he had to admit he was getting tired and each smile felt more fake than the last one. He didn’t normally do fifteen-hour shifts, he usually topped out at twelve, but his classes were finished for the summer and Sam was off on vacation, David was visiting his family in Ohio and Sebastian was making himself do summer classes so that he could catch up with the rest of his peers after the catastrophe that was his previous life had held him back and made him slack. 

Blaine had only gotten to see him twice and not for very long in the two weeks since he’d finally visited Seb’s apartment for the first time. He was missing him pretty badly these days and wasn’t set to see him again until tomorrow night, which right now felt like years away. Blaine was encouraging though, he knew Sebastian needed to do these classes so that he could better himself and that if Blaine were there or Seb was at his apartment that his boyfriend wouldn’t get anything done. So he encouraged him to stay home and study and pass everything so that in a couple of weeks when the classes were over they’d get to celebrate Sebastian’s 21st birthday on the twenty-seventh without interruptions. And besides, it wasn’t as if they saw each other every single day before anyway. It was okay. He was okay. 

Really though, Blaine had been fine on his own- he and Seb talked and texted and he’d gotten to hang out with Sam before he left and Soot was always present and loving. He’d challenged himself by learning a few new Summer recipes so that when Seb finally got to spend more than a day with him he’d be able to make him something new. He’d been working all three jobs more than normal, mostly at the coffee shop, but he’d gotten a few hours at the bar and had even given a few piano lessons. He was tired and busy, but the money was great for him and it kept him from being idle. Still,  if Blaine were honest with himself, maybe he was only working so much because he just missed Seb. He made himself smile as the next customer bombarded him with a five drink order and that helped lull the little ache in his belly. Tomorrow was so close, he’d be fine. 

He worked the same speed for the next half hour until finally, the shop came to a slow and only a few people remained in the seats that surrounded the lobby. He looked at his phone again and saw that he only had twenty minutes left and that he had a text from Seb. The words *‘Miss you.’’ displayed so simple and sweet across his screen made his heart thump wildly in his chest. It amazed him that such a small thing could send him into a fit of giddiness. He unlocked his phone and sent the same words back, adding a little red heart next to them to show his love. His fingers itched to type more, itched to tell him he loved him and that he couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow, but Blaine kept them still as he could feel the presence of another customer walking up and into his space. Could see the shadow of a person out of the corner of his eye. He cleared his throat and shoved his phone into his navy blue apron and put on a real smile for the new customer, still giddy from his text and knowing this one would probably be his last for the evening. He started speaking before he looked up and wasn’t prepared for who was standing in front of him.

“So sorry about that. What can I get you toni- Oh.”

The words died on his lips and his thumping heart seemed to stop and then tumble into the pit that was his gut. His mouth was suddenly dry and swallowing did nothing to help him. His fingers felt numb, his body frozen in a fear he thought he remembered very clearly but it turned out he had only remembered it like one does a nightmare, muddled and dark, but now he was head-on with it and he truly remembered. A raw fear spiked through him and he knew no one was around to help him. He was afraid to breathe. His eyes immediately went down and he could feel himself shrinking into his own body and he felt small and insignificant and he realized that he hadn’t truly felt that feeling in a long while either. His arms wrapped around his body and he tried to tell himself to breathe, that he’d be okay but suddenly he couldn’t remember how to count to ten anymore or what he used to say when panic rose.

“Well hello there, Blaine.”  Kurt’s voice, that soft, high octave, faux sweet voice that most people took for gentle and kind, but Blaine knew better- knew how it hissed and froze him over with its coldness, shot through him like a fucking bullet. He hated the way his name sounded on his lips, hated that it somehow seemed so natural and yet so wrong at the same time to hear it being said with that voice and Blaine wanted to scratch the sound of it out of his brain so that he didn’t have to hear it echo.

“Well, I had heard that you were an excellent employee here, but judging by your silence I think they might need to reevaluate what that actually means.” Kurt let out a little chuckle as if he’d said something funny and stepped closer to the counter. Blaine felt stricken with the jab and wanted nothing more than to walk away, but fuck he needed this job. He’d lose everything if he didn’t have it. Cooper would be upset about having to hive him more money, he had so many more years before his parent’s trust opened to him… God, Blaine would have given anything for the room to be full and for there to be a line like there was just minutes ago. Kurt persisted, “Alright, let’s try this again, Blaine- I’m your customer and I’ve come in for a drink and you, as an employee say... what?”

Blaine blinked, a hot sting prickling the back of his eyes, and his face heated up leaving him not only sweaty but now red and embarrassed and he hated himself for feeling it. Someone had told Kurt where he fucking worked. Who would do that? Everyone knew Blaine had blocked him from his life the best way he could. He’d been so careful to only let a few people know the places he’d frequented. Why would someone tell him? Of course, knew that Kurt had friends everywhere and that there was no way for Blaine to know all of them. Any one of them could have come in and spotted him and ran back to tell him. He wanted to run home and barricade himself in his apartment. 

“I-I’m sorry. I-I d-didn’t think-,” Blaine struggled to get the words out, his face reddening more and more by the minute and why was he here? How did he find him? What was he going to do? His coworkers weren’t back for another fifteen minutes. His breathing picked up and he tried to get the words out, but Kurt just laughed and shook his head, his voice light, like he was taking the piss out of an old friend. It ran right through Blaine.

“What’s the matter, Blaine? Did you forget how to speak? Not a very good sign for someone working as a barista for a living.”

Blaine tensed and his bottom lip and chin quivered like he might fucking cry right there in front of him, his breath hitched as he opened his mouth to try again and that’s when he felt the vibrations of his phone in his pocket and like a little lifeline thrown out to a drowning man, he knew it was Sebastian, and the buzzing, though he didn’t know what it said yet, reminded him that he didn’t have to live this life of fear anymore. He had someone who loved him now, someone that let him be himself and he was slowly, over their time together, learning to do just that. He let out a slow breath, a little uneven, but it felt a little better all the same.

 Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. You’ve got this, Blaine.

“Hello. I-I am so sorry,” He refused to say his name as he let out a little forced laugh, angry at himself for apologizing but unable to stop the words, and forced himself to look at Kurt’s smug face. “I just didn’t expect to see you on this side of town. What can I get you tonight? We have a deal on our no-bake tiramisu truffles, I, uh, made them myself. They pair well with a variety of iced coffees.” He sounded like a robot and the smile on his face felt painful and more like a grimace.

Kurt stood there, his mouth slightly open in amusement and what Blaine also knew to be a look of absolute disappointment- like he couldn’t believe Blaine had suggested something so base to him. “Now you know better than that, Blaine. What have I been drinking for the last- Oh, how long have we known each other? I have to say I’m a little disappointed in you for not remembering my order.”

Blaine swallowed, that weepy feeling of helplessness rolling through him. He hated how familiar Kurt was acting, hated that each word he said was calculated to cut through Blaine like a knife. Kurt knew that Blaine hated feeling like he didn’t know what he was doing, hated feeling ridiculed and looked down upon. That’s why he was oh so cleverly attacking his job performance. A job Blaine was actually really good at, he had the tips and regulars to prove it, and yet, one word from Kurt Hummel, and Blaine felt completely incompetent. He did not want to know Kurt’s order, didn’t want to have to make himself make the goddamn drink. Hated that Kurt knew that he would because it was his job and also they had spent so much time in each other’s lives that of course, Blaine knew what he got every single time. He made himself say it.

“Oh. Right. One Nonfat Mocha coming up.”

He kept his eyes on Kurt for a moment and found himself looking for that approval he once used to beg for. He felt sick with himself that he didn’t turn away and start the drink until Kurt nodded at him, telling him it was okay. His hands shook as he started the drink and he was terrified that he’d fuck it up and that Kurt would reach over and grab his neck and squeeze until he begged him to stop. That he’d shame him for making a mess and stand over him until he cleaned it all up. Blaine’s shoulders shrugged up like he could protect his exposed flesh. He could feel Kurt’s nightmare blue gaze following him, waiting as he worked. He carefully made the drink, wanting nothing more than to reach into his pocket so he could see Seb’s name across his screen and whatever message followed it. Thinking about it comforted him a little bit though and he managed to get the drink done perfectly and without a mess. He steadied himself against the counter before turning back around and presenting the beverage to Kurt, placing it gently on the counter between them.

“Can I get you anything else?” 

Kurt didn’t reach for his drink right away, he just watched Blaine for a moment before casually motioning towards the glass case, “I suppose I could try a few of your truffles. You know, see if they pass the test.”

Blaine didn’t know what test he meant this time, but everything with Kurt was always a test. He tried to keep his hands steady as he bagged up three of the chocolates and then rang the order up, but they still shook and he knew Kurt saw it with the way he was still watching him, a faux polite smile on his faux kind face. 

“Um, that’s $9.50, please,” Blaine mumbled, his hands resting on the counter to attempt to hide his shaking. Normally he was happy and laughed with his customers, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Kurt called his boss and told them how shitty he was at his job. It would be Kurt Hummel that got him fired, wouldn’t it?

Kurt nodded and reached into his wallet to hand Blaine a twenty-dollar bill. Blaine did his best not to touch Kurt as he took the bill and handed him back the $10.50 in change. He pushed the to-go cup and the bag towards Kurt and looked up at him, relieved that this whole thing was almost over and that he had managed to make it through with minimal damage, but not sure how much longer he could keep himself together. 

Kurt hovered there, still not picking up his drink and his food and Blaine wondered what he was playing at. He was about to ask if he’d done something wrong when Kurt reached forward and took hold of Blaine’s right hand, turning it over so his palm was up. He held the back of Blaine’s hand so very gently, his fingers, soft and delicate and perfectly manicured fingers curled around his wrist and gripped oh so very lightly as if to keep him in place... No, as if daring him to pull away. 

Bile rose in Blaine’s throat, and he let out a strangled noise of panic. He struggled to breathe as visions of those very fingers leaving dark bruises on his wrists flashed through his memory and he started to shake even more. He didn’t dare look down at what was happening, afraid it would break something in him. He whimpered and spoke under his breath, cursing himself for giving in and giving Kurt what he wanted.

“K-Kurt, please.” 

The name felt wrong on his lips and all at once, he was back to begging Kurt to stop what he was doing. Stop pushing me, stop bruising me, stop hurting me. Every single time he’d said stop or please came rushing back with just a simple touch. Back to nails digging and scraping against this neck, those hands pushing his face down into the bed, doing what he wanted, and Blaine allowing it just to be touched, back to Kurt pretending to apologize as he accidentally forgot to use protection, using his deception as just another way to own Blaine. Back to bits of Blaine’s hair missing from those fingers tearing at him to get him to do what he wanted or act how he wanted. To teach him a lesson. Back to when Kurt ignored Blaine for days as Blaine begged please, please, see me… To when Blaine would let himself cry, miserable and lonely over missing his dead mom and dad and Kurt would laugh and tell him they shouldn’t have been driving on the icy roads anyway, so really it was their fault they were gone and Blaine should stop crying over it…So insensitive for someone who’s lost a parent young. So insensitive for someone who had an amazing and loving parent left.  It all came back with just that touch. He wished he had died with them for just a second in that moment standing there.

Blaine watched as Kurt’s lips stretched into a knowing  Cheshire smile at the begging use of his name and the word please and something did break in Blaine then. Kurt was fucking playing with him. Testing him to see if he could still fuck with his head. The smile spoke volumes as Kurt found that he still could and Blaine’s brain caught up to him reminding him that he didn’t have to live like this. That he controlled what happened to his body now and that Kurt wasn’t allowed to touch it or his mind anymore. Blaine chose who got to touch him and right now the person he chose was waiting on a reply pack, nestled cozily in his apron pocket. That person would never do this. When Blaine said please to Sebastian it was because he wanted to and because he needed him. He shook his head and gathered his strength, and with every ounce of energy and courage, he pulled his shaking hand away. 

He wanted to slap his hand away, he wanted to scream at Kurt to never fucking touch him again. Push him back and out the way he’d done that last night, the night Kurt had actually gone to hit him in the face, something he’d never done before. But, he was at work and his nerves were frayed and close to completely unraveling so he looked at him levelly, arranged his features to be passive even though he felt like he might collapse, and kept his voice as calm as he could. 

“I have a meeting to attend, so if that’s all… Have a good night and thanks for visiting Bookish.” He lied so easily whereas once he wouldn’t have dared to do it. 

Kurt let out a low chuckle and dropped the leftover money on the table, shaking his head incredulously as if he was baffled by Blaine’s behavior. But his smile was still too big and his eyes sparkled the same as they did anytime he got the better of Blaine, “I was just going to give you a tip. It looks like you could use it much more than I could.” He paused like he was teetering on not saying anything else, but in Kurt’s normal fashion he couldn’t stop himself from making it even more petty. “You can use it for your new… old boyfriend. Though it might actually be too much when it comes to him.” 

Blaine knew he was trying to call Seb cheap, he could feel his hackles rise and his face heat up in anger. He wanted to yell again. Wanted to tell him that Sebastian was worth a billion of Kurt. He wondered if it bothered Kurt that Blaine got Seb back, that Blaine was finally where he was supposed to be. That he was happy. He wondered if Kurt had somehow managed to sneak into his very private socials and see the new photos of him and Seb, or if someone had just told him they were back together in passing. Blaine opened his mouth to tell him that he needed to leave but, Kurt was already gathering his things.

Kurt’s smile seemed to grow impossibly bigger at his own comment and as the other man started to leave he turned and looked back over his shoulder at Blaine. “Thanks, I’ll be sure to give your personally made products and apt review. It truly was so good to see you, Blaine. I hope we run into each other again soon.” Maybe it meant nothing, but with Kurt, it always meant something and to Blaine, it sounded like a thinly veiled threat. Kurt looked him over once more and then he sashayed out of the coffee shop. Blaine was frozen and unable to take his eyes off his retreating form. 

As a final blow to Blaine’s self-esteem, Kurt stopped right outside the shop door in front of the garbage bin. He made sure Blaine could see in full view what he was doing as he made a little show of dropping the unopened bag of treats and the untouched coffee into the trash as his promised review. A throwback to all the times Blaine had made dinner or dessert for Kurt and his hard work ended up on the floor or in the trash. A reminder that he thought Blaine was worthless trash.

“Oh god.” That was all Blaine managed when a hand came down on his shoulder and he whirled around as if Kurt could actually be behind him. It was his boss telling him he was free to go. Blaine nodded and without hesitation made his way to the break room where he was on overdrive, not really thinking about what he was doing, only knowing he needed to get to safety, needed to get home to his tiny apartment where there were locks and couches that could be pressed against doors. Needed the soft fur and gentle purr of his cat. Needed the comfort of Sebastian’s weight on his chest and in his arms. He tried not to think about how Sebastian wasn’t going to be around until tomorrow as he took his apron off and shoved his phone in his pants pocket without looking at it. Too afraid that Kurt would come back in and make him go back out there if he took the time to read what Seb had written him. 

One of the new employees, a girl named Tony that had always been sweet to Blaine, came into the break room with the money he’d left on the counter in her hands. “Hey, you forgot this. It’s a pretty nice tip for such a small purchase.” Blaine shook his head, stepping back as if it would cut him if he took it. 

“No, i-it’s not for me. Someone actually left it for you and I forgot to bring it back here for you.” He made himself smile and Tony reached out to steady him, asking him if he was okay. But the sound of her voice came in a rush of blood to his ears so he didn’t quite hear her right. He just needed to get home. She didn’t know his history, didn’t know who Kurt was so he could get by with lying. To the outsider, it just looked like a customer being a little bit creepy, which happened from time to time. He gave her a small grateful smile and explained, “I’m fine. I’m just tired and hot and just need some air and I’ll feel better once I’m h-home.” She didn’t look like she believed him but she made him a cup of ice water for his walk home and told him to call the shop if he needed anything before thanking him for the tip and reluctantly putting it into her apron. 

He could feel her pretty grey eyes on the back of his head as he stepped out of the building and into the back ally. His own eyes darted around the ally as if Kurt might jump out at him and steal him away at any second. He’d told him he had a meeting to throw him off, he didn’t want him knowing that he was walking home as soon as they were finished with their interaction. Couldn’t risk the other man finding out where he lived. How would he be able to breathe if Kurt knew he lived so close? He’d have to move and he couldn’t fucking afford that. He clutched the cup of ice water to his chest as he walked faster than he’d ever walked before to his apartment. Making sure to take a few random turns as he went and only bumping into one person on the way. 

The sounds of the city were loud and harsh rushing his ears were deafening and the short walk seemed to take hours as terror surely waited for him at each turn. Each step felt like a mile and his breathing was erratic. And just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, that he might pass out from his adrenaline rush,  he found himself stepping through the doors of his slightly crumbling apartment building and pounding up the steps two at a time to his home. His fingers shaking so badly he dropped his key twice before managing to get inside. He was able to lock the door, both the handle and the deadbolts before pressing himself back against the door and sliding down to sit in front of it. Using his weight to keep anyone from getting in. He was blind with fear. Had Kurt seen him run home? Did he know where he lived now? What if he showed up in the middle of the night and finally broke Blaine so bad he couldn’t be put back together again? 

Logically he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He knew that Kurt probably walked away and if he saw him again it would be in the same coffee shop. That was an issue he’d have to deal with later, of course. But right now he couldn’t get air into his lungs and what-ifs plagued his thoughts. He was heading for full-blown panic and if it weren’t for the feeling of a wet nose pressing into his neck and the sweet sound of rumbling purs in his ear he might have succumbed to the darkness pushing in around him. Soot had climbed up his leg and settled on his shoulder, her cold little paws pressed into his face as if to say, hey look at me, dad.  I’ve got you.

“Oh, you.” He let out a little laugh as he pulled her tiny body into his arms and pressed his teary face into the belly of her soft fur. Most cats would flip out, but it was like Soot was made for him. She was perfect with his panic attacks. It took him twenty minutes to breathe her in enough to calm down, and it wasn’t until then that he realized he’d lost his water somewhere along the way. His shirt was damp and he wondered if he’d lost it when he bumped into that person. He let out a mirthless laugh, sorry that he’d caused a mess. He pressed a kiss to her little head.

“Give me a minute and I’ll feed you, sweet girl.” His voice felt thick, and weird, and raw in his ears like he was hearing things for the first time in a long time. “I gotta check on your papa.” She mewed in response as she knew Blaine meant Seb. Sure the nickname might have been silly and Blaine still hadn't shared it with Sebastian himself, but it gave Blaine comfort so he kept doing it.

His heart clenched at the thought of Sebastian and guilt crept in. He wanted to kick himself for not speaking up and defending his boyfriend. His wonderful, understanding, beautiful and damaged boyfriend. He promised himself he’d make it up to him, he’d show him how priceless to him he was. Fuck what Kurt had to say about it... He finally let himself pull out his phone and read the text that had, for the most part, kept him grounded with its vibrations. He let out a real laugh when he saw that it wasn’t another sweet sentiment, but Seb complaining about his class and god he loved this man.

*Sebastian: Fuck, this shit sucks. Remind me to never skip a year again. 

He laughed again, but it quickly turned into a sob as he realized he’d have to spend his night all alone. The text driving it further home that Sebastian was very busy. His phone told him it was 7:47 p.m. now. He’d missed 47 minutes of his life in his panic. He sniffled as he tried to message Sebastian back but his fingers weren’t quite working right. The thought of going to bed tonight with only Soot for protection almost sent him into another anxiety-ridden attack. And he argued with himself for another five minutes.

You can’t call him and beg him to come to save you every time you’re upset… You’re more than upset, you came face to face with your nightmare and he touched you, Blaine. It’s more than warranted for you to call your boyfriend for support, he’d be more than happy to come to see you. He’d want you to tell him what happened… I’ll just call my therapist! You know it’s too late for that… Just call Seb…. But, he needs to focus on his studies if he’s going to dig himself out of the hole he’s in… He’s got a paper due by midnight!... But, you need him…. I can’t do that, it’s selfish and codependent and you’re fine… You’re alive… You’re not hurt… But you’re allowed to need him. You’re allowed to want to be comforted after something like that…. I shouldn’t...

Blaine sniffled and practically growled in disgust and frustration at himself as he dragged himself to his feet and made his way on shaky legs to the cat bowl to feed Soot. He sat down next to her, his knees pulled up to his chest as if to protect himself. She let him pet her fur gently, little trills leaving her tiny body as she ate her dinner peacefully and Blaine warred with himself silently for a few more moments before sighing and talking to her and himself out loud.

“Maybe I just call him and talk to him for a moment. Maybe if I hear his voice I’ll feel better. I won’t’ ask him to come over, I’ll just tell him I missed him. I won’t keep him long...” He talked to himself with a too shaky voice and had to pause and just breathe before pressing Seb’s name in his phone. His heart pounded so hard in his chest it hurt and he had to stop himself from hanging up as the phone rang. But, Seb didn’t sound annoyed when he answered with a very lazy *‘Hey, killer’ almost purred into the phone. He sounded like himself. Tired and bored and like he was happy to hear from Blaine and Blaine clung to it for support, almost sighing in relief, smiling a  little at his nickname. The sound of it was comforting and familiar and lovely.

Blaine: Hi.

Blaine felt impossibly small, sitting there on the floor in his dark apartment with his phone clutched to his ear. He tried his best to keep the panic and fear he’d felt so deeply just an hour ago out of his voice.

Blaine: I won’t keep you long I just wanted to call and see how your studying was going. Think you’ll get the paper done by midnight?

*Sebastian: Hey. I fucking hope so. I know I’ve said it about a thousand times today but this really sucks.  Never procrastinating again. 

Blaine: You say that now, but just wait until you find something you’d rather do instead of class. That’s okay, I’ll be there to remind you of how miserable you are right now.

Blaine paused and tried his best to keep his voice from quivering along with the tremors  in his body, not wanting Sebastian to suspect too much, but at the same time wanting to beg him just to come over. He picked at the side of his phone case with his nail, clutching his phone so tightly to his ear it hurt. It was as if he were trying to pull Sebastian’s soothing voice into him. Just hearing him felt so good, but it wasn’t quite enough and he felt like crying all over again. 

Blaine: I miss you. 

*Sebastian: I’ve learned from my mistakes but you know, maybe you distracted me too much with your hands all over me the last time I was over.  I miss you back. Are you okay? You sound sort of...I don’t know...stressed maybe?

Blaine: I won’t let it happen again. I promise.

Blaine did his best to make his tone flirty, normally he’d have blushed and giggled in response and maybe he’d have said something sexual back, but his heart felt heavy yet his body felt hollow all at once. He’d give anything to feel the way he’d felt the last time Seb had been at his house- confident and a little sexy, but the feeling of Kurt’s fingers wrapped around his wrist was still fresh in his mind and god he didn’t know what to do here. He swallowed hard, hating himself for lying,  and wanting to sob the truth at the same time. He knew Seb was busy, that he needed to finish this paper. It was important for his future at Columbia.. He knew he needed to learn how to cope on his own. His therapist had told him he was allowed to lean on his boyfriend, your partner is supposed to be there for you, and that it was a good thing that Blaine was learning to trust someone. But Blaine felt so guilty for wanting Seb to be his medicine right now. He felt selfish… So he took a deep breath and kept up his lie.

Blaine: I’m o-okay, Seb. Really. The fifteen hour shift must just be catching up to me. The air conditioner is messed up and it was busy and I just wanted to call and talk to you before I showered and settled down for the night. I’m gonna lie down on the couch and watch Ever After, but I’m so sleepy I’ll probably fall asleep before Danielle even meets Prince Henry. 

*Sebastian: Are you sure? I can take a break to talk for a little longer. I could Postmates you some food. 

Blaine: That’s really sweet, baby, but, really, I’m- yeah, I’m okay. I ate before I left work, but thank you. Besides, Soot is eating enough for the both of us. Y-you should see her. She hasn’t come up for air since we started talking.

He had to pull the phone away from his face to collect himself, sighing and sniffling softly before pressing the phone back to his ear and speaking softly. He needed to hang up soon or else he’d lose it and Seb would know for sure something was wrong then.

Blaine: Anyway, I’ll let you go, okay? Maybe send me a goodnight text so I know you survived your paper. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Maybe if you’re finished with everything we can see each other a little bit earlier than planned tomorrow? 

*Sebastian: I mean, if you’re sure. I’m looking forward to it, it’s pretty much the one thing that has gotten me through this week.  Hey, I love you.

Blaine: I’m sure, really. Yeah? You’re just gonna make me miss you more, you know?

Blaine swallowed hard, Seb’s comment sending an ache throughout his chest. All he wanted to do was curl up in his arms and just breathe him in. His soft I love you was enough to bring fresh tears to his eyes and god damnit if he didn’t hang up soon he was going to lose it. He took a deep steadying breath before replying, hoping Seb could feel the words all the way in Manhattan.

Blaine: I love you back, Seb. Like so so much.

*Sebastian: So much, B. I’ll see you soon.

Blaine: Can’t wait.

Blaine was sniffling and ashamed of it before he even hit the end call button on his phone. Sebastian had been sweet and attentive and Blaine wanted to call him back just to hear him laugh and ask him if he’d meant to do it. He refrained and sat his phone down on the floor next to him so he could wrap his arms around his knees and pull them closer to his chest as if that would protect him from everything he was feeling. He pressed his face against his bent legs, letting himself cry again for the second time that day. He had no clue how he was going to sleep tonight while anxiety and fear still surged through him at the thought of what had happened. So he let himself just be for a bit, wrapped up in himself while sitting there on the floor of his little kitchen space, in his tiny apartment while his happy and full cat curled up next to him, her purrs the most comforting sound he could ask for.

 /fin.

(A direct co-para follow-up will be posted in the next couple of weeks.)

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

Hello Everyone!

We wanted to stop in and let everyone know that we will officially be back to posting a decent-sized para at least once a month starting in mid to late November. We’ve missed our babies so much. (of course they’re always with us in our heads and hearts but you know what we mean. Haha.) However, with a major change in our schedules, it’s been incredibly difficult to figure out the time to actually sit down write out all the para’s we have in mind to continue this crazy journey. 

However! We’re working on it, and pretty much have it figured out. We have so much more of their story to tell and we appreciate your patience while we figure out our lives and how to showcase our love for these two properly again. 

We’ll see you all in November. 

  -S(Blaine) & H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

Hey there everyone!

We just wanted to give a quick update and let everyone know that while we’re still going to be considered active we have to take a bit of a break for some serious personal reasons. It’s been an incredibly rough two months for us and we feel as though stepping back for a month or two is the best thing for us to do. We want to put out quality writing and right now it’s not really happening. We know we’ve posted lots of OOC’s lately but we like to make sure you all know that when we’re gone for awhile that it doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned. We’re not close to done. 

So, don’t worry, we will be back. Writing these two beautiful boys is one of our passions and we want to keep doing it! We just need to save some space for ourselves for a bit and take care of our mental health. We even have our next few paras outlined! Chapters will still be updated to our AO3 account, but if you follow you’ve probably read what we’ve posted so far. (We call the fic for this RP I Want Your Midnights under the username shwrites) 

So hang in there for us and we’ll see you all soon! Maybe even sooner than expected. :)

We appreciate all of you. <3

-S(Blaine) & H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

OOC:

We’ve had a little set back and we’ve got to take a tiny hiatus. This month has been a bit crazy! H, our beautiful Sebastian sorta...

TW: Injury.-

...sliced the tip of her finger off last night while making dinner. She’s fine! But, she’s having a rough time typing right now, so we’ll be gone for just a bit. We’ll be back very soon though. :)

-S(Blaine) & H(Seb)

[twoblueheartslocked]

Seblaine- Present Day (End Of July/YEAR 1)

Para: Now I Wake Up By Your Side My One and Only, My Lifeline

Rating: NC-17.

Pairing: Seblaine.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day- End of July, about a month  after You’re Every Song I’ve Ever Loved. 

Location: Sebastian’s Apartment- Manhattan, New York

Info:  Blaine gets brave and spends the weekend at Sebastian’s apartment. Blaine lets himself explore Sebastian even more. They have a heart to heart.

Warnings: This particular Para is smutty and sweet. Also has major mentions of past abuse. This rp as a whole mentions past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), post unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Title Taken From: Dress by Taylor Swift

Under Cut for content.  As usual, the para is mostly unedited.

 Blaine’s POV:

 The scorching July sun beat down on Blaine as he swiftly and hurriedly shuffled down the last two blocks to get to Sebastian’s apartment, head down so people would leave him be. It was the kind of melted butter day where the world  felt too bright and sticky and everything had a muted orange sheen to it, like an old film from the 1970’s. Still there was beauty to it, the way the early evening glow slowly dripped and sizzled over the city in a lazy haze. He was still a bit frazzled from his short subway ride over to Manhattan, his arms still tightly locked around  Soot’s little cat carrier to clutch her close. She seemed to be just as anxious as he was, her orange eyes wide and worried.

 He hated taking the Subway, it was cramped and people liked to talk to you and get into your face and sometimes they even tried  and succeeded in touching you. People screamed at each other and sometimes there were fights and it was all so triggering that he almost regretted doing it, however, it was the fastest way to Sebastian’s apartment and he didn’t want his boyfriend to think he was completely incompetent. He’d declined Seb’s offer to send an uber or taxi and declined his offer to send his driver. He’d also declined Seb’s offer to drive over himself… He’d told him he’d be fine and to just let him do this. Because Blaine wanted and needed to do this on his own. 

 If he were going to be making an effort to visit his boyfriend at his home more often he needed to get there on his own. Seb managed to get to him just fine. They’d spent the last seven months sort of pretending that Blaine’s little slice of Brooklyn was the only part of New York that existed and it was entirely selfish of Blaine to ask that it remain that way. He used to love Manhattan, but now he only came here rarely for certain school things he couldn’t do in Brooklyn. However, maybe with Sebastian he could learn to love it again. He was an adult and he was getting better and more comfortable with himself and his skin every day that he spent with Sebastian in his life. 

 He tried not to think too hard about that though because here he was, acting as if he’d taken a huge step and yet he’d had to bring his cat with him like a security blanket. He’d told Seb it was because she was scared to be alone for the two days Blaine planned to be gone, but he knew that it was entirely for him. Soot would have been fine on her own. She liked to sleep in his window almost all day and played with her toys loudly at night more often than not. With enough food and water she’d have been fine for forty eight hours. Blaine just couldn't bring himself to close the door in her adorable little face and walk away for that long though. Seb had promised him it was okay for her to come and that he’d already taken care of what she’d need there even before Blaine had asked. Of course he did.

Blaine finally managed to find Sebastian’s building, the brick on the front of it a light shade of grey, which was surprising because it appeared so clean, light colors wouldn't be so clean on Blaine’s block. The alternating greys were so different from the grimy brick on his

Building and Blaine instantly felt self conscious. He took a deep breath and pulled Soot’s mini crate closer, shushing her little mews gently as he tightened his grip on his backpack. 

 “You can tell he’s here, can’t you?” Maybe she couldn’t, but the little ball of energy suddenly was all meows and feistiness as they neared the entrance of the building.  Seb had been around at least two times a week since they’d gotten her and Blaine had secretly taken to calling Seb her papa in his head. Not that he’d ever say that to his boyfriend or anything. But she loved him and he seemed to enjoy her just as much, spoiling her each time he visited. It seemed Sebastian had a thing for spoiling those he cared about- Blaine was still reeling from the compact little record player that had been sent to his apartment not even three days after their record store date. The thought made Blaine smile and he felt himself relax as he pushed Seb’s buzzer and before he knew it he was standing just inside Sebastian’s apartment, his shabby slip ons mucking up the perfect hardwood. 

 The one bedroom apartment was huge by New York City standards and built for a bachelor.  Blaine wanted to curl into himself. Creeping thoughts about how if he touched the walls or the floors with his fingers his fingertips would leave grime behind from his own home. He knew it was silly, Blaine kept his tiny, shabby place clean and cozy and made the most out of his fleeting space. But, standing here in Sebastian’s gorgeous, minimalist space he felt like a speck of rust that ruined an otherwise perfect surface. The only indication that Sebastian even lived here at all was the blue Columbia University blanket crumbled on the sofa, showing Blaine that maybe Seb fell asleep there sometimes, and a few folders stacked up on the small, two seater breakfast bar. Probably some items for summer classes or things for his next semester. 

 Blaine bit his bottom lip to steady his breathing before setting down her crate so that he could reach out for his boyfriend. He pulled him close, feeling his body instantly melt into his touch. He gave Seb a hello kiss and in return Seb gave Blaine a smile that only he got to see and it told him he was being ridiculous, that he shouldn’t be afraid of an apartment, especially one that Sebastian spent his free time in.  He pulled back after his kiss, but did not pull away. 

 “Your apartment is pretty much exactly like I imagined it. Very… you.” He smiled, trying to keep himself in line. Blaine was finished with classes for the summer and had taken to working extra hours at Bookish and the bar so that he could pick up the slack and so that he wouldn’t get behind on bills and rent and things for Soot, so even thought they’d seen each other the same, it felt a bit like he’d not seen Seb much even if it weren’t the truth.

“Is it completely silly to say I’ve missed you this week?” 

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian spent his morning cleaning. Sure, he could have called somebody in to do it, but he liked to do it himself. Plus, it kept his hands busy and the surprise swell of nerves in his stomach at bay. The apartment was always spotless but he wanted to impress Blaine. He even ran to the store and grabbed a few groceries, as his kitchen was usually pretty bare except for a few essentials (bread, peanut butter, coffee….) Seb grabbed some oat milk, pancake mix, cinnamon, and bacon. He liked it when B made them breakfast for dinner and recognized the ingredients from his own kitchen. Blaine would probably enjoy working in a pretty much unused kitchenette. 

He’d bought a small litter box and litter (which was confusing as fuck, Clumping? Scented? Dust free?) and set up the disgusting thing in his small laundry room. The setup this time was just as bad as when he helped his boyfriend with his, and little flecks of gray got all over the clean tile. Sebastian immediately regretted not buying something to set it on. The messes would be worth it, though, to make Blaine comfortable in the apartment. 

 Sebastian was laying on the couch when he heard a small knock on the door. He looked through the peephole to see the other man clutching his pet carrier which was such an endearing sight that a small grin spread across his face. He opened the door and the two of them were immediately in an embrace.  “Is that a good thing?” Seb looked over his shoulder around the living area. “I know it’s sort of plain but, it’s less to worry about.”

 Sebastian stepped aside after another kiss so that B and Soot could come inside. “Not silly at all.. I’ve missed you, too. Like...a lot.” He bit his lip and raised his eyebrows and hoped his boyfriend would catch on to the implication he was trying to make. “And we have two whole days to make up for that.” Sebastian reached out and pulled Blaine in again for a few playful kisses that ended up sort of intense, with hands under shirts and sighs on lips. He would have let Blaine press him into the door right then and there if it weren’t for the small shrieks escaping from Soot who was still in her crate. 

 “Should probably let her out and get acquainted with the place.”

 Blaine’s POV:

 “It’s a good thing, Seb and it’s not plain. It’s organized and simple. A little afraid perhaps? Like maybe you’re afraid to show too much of yourself to anyone that might come over. Lucky for me I know you, and maybe one day you’ll have a classy Wonder Woman poster over your sofa instead of a blank space.” He winked, grinning in his teasing and hoping Sebastian didn’t take an offence to his assessment.

 A little tremor of desire slid down his body and rested in his core as Sebastian told him he missed him a lot. Blaine could hear the thinly veiled lust edging out Sebastian’s sure voice and he wanted nothing more than to show him right now that he’d missed him just as much. He licked his lips, his breath hitching and body buzzing with anticipation of just what might happen over the next two days. 

 Slowly, the thought of being in a strange place didn’t feel so strange when Seb was looking at him like that and when he was touching him with care and affection.  Even now Sebastian was looking out for him. His boyfriend clearly had things on his  mind, very much seemed to want to do more than just kissing, but he made sure to start everything softly, something Blaine still needed. He made sure to pull him close and kiss him gently first and then made his move. Sebastian’s long fingers gripped at Blaine’s hips under his shirt and just above the band of his jeans, and Blaine kissed back with just as much intensity, his fingers slipping up Seb’s shirt to toy with the faint trail of hair that dusted his tummy and lead to parts of his boyfriend body that he very much wanted to touch and tease.

He could feel the tightening of desire in the pit of his stomach with each slide of their tongues. It was a feeling that he was relearning wasn’t a bad thing as he and Sebastian got closer and became more confident. Blaine wanted him more and more as the weeks and months marched on. The want and act of asking or better yet, showing how badly he needed and wanted to be touched was something he thought he’d never feel positive about again. But, with Sebastian he found himself imagining more experimental things. Since they started getting intimate over the last few months they’d explored, of course. They’d touched and tasted each other, and had moved together in Tagore sheets. Blaine had had panics and Seb had even had some moments where he sort of tensed up for a second only to brush it off in the heat of the moment. They always fell into rhythm and seemed to reach each other’s body perfectly, but sometimes Blaine found he wanted to whisper filthy things to Sebastian or he wanted to nip at his flushed skin while his boyfriend moaned underneath him.

 Sometimes they’d be having sex and Blaine’s fingers would rest against Seb’s slender neck and his boyfriend would tilt his head back as if giving him permission to do what he wanted to him and Blaine would wonder what it would feel like to squeeze just a little bit. Wondered if he’d feel the frantic flutter of Seb’s heartbeat under his fingertips, or the rumble of his intensified moans. He wanted to pin Seb’s arms above his head and press them firmly into the pillows to keep him from touching either one of them, make him beg for every little roll of his hips and then kiss the breath from him until he couldn’t take it anymore. The thoughts always edged him even closer. Only then he’d remember what Kurt had done, all the bruises on his own neck and the name calling and slut shaming. The ridicule and power trips that turned into Blaine lying there afraid to move.  None of that was consensual or fun and the thoughts made him second guess what was right and he’d end up just sliding his fingers into Seb’s hair or pressing them against Seb’s chest to where at least he still got to feel his heartbeat in some way

 How could Blaine ask for anything like that after everything he’d been through? Surely Seb would think he was projecting, right? It didn’t feel that way to Blaine though, to him it felt like trust. Like he was able to be himself and maybe these were things he was into before his life went to shit with his parents in that crash, before their deaths crushed him to almost nothing. Before he himself, and then  Kurt shattered what was left…Maybe one day he’d work up the courage to just ask what Seb might be into, and maybe he could give it to him.   Still, he was getting better, and knowing that was enough for him for now. He was more comfortable with being desperate and breathless for his person.

 Blaine didn’t want to let go, he’d worked up the courage to slip his hand down the front of Seb’s pants and just as he was about to wrap his fingers around his boyfriend Seb stopped kissing him. He reluctantly withdrew his hand and could still feel the heavy weight of his boyfriend’s arousal on his fingertips. They had time. Apparently Soot didn’t like seeing her parents get intimate. He sighed, the little annoyed meows beckoning them to part and Blaine had the urge to just open the little door and let the little baby terror find her own way round the flat. He straightened his shirt and adjusted himself, uncomfortable from how hard he was now and having to abruptly stop. He bent down and opened the door. Soot’s petite head instantly poked out and she gave them both the most annoyed look as if to say; hey, I’m the most important, how could you forget me in there? Blaine gave her a smile and coaxed her out more by pitching his voice a bit.  

 “Come on, sweet little beastie. Come tell Sebastian thank you for letting you crash his super clean home.” He laughed as she seemed to do just that as she pranced over to Sebastian and head butted his ankle as a hello. “Couldn't just fall asleep in there for like an hour, could ya?” He was teasing of course. Soot pretty much always came first. He looked up at Seb, his boyfriends face was still flushed, and his pupils were still wide with want and Blaine wondered if they’d make it to nightfall at all. 

 “I don’t suppose you’d like to give the two of us a little tour? That way she knows where to eat and go to the bathroom and I get to see the place where I may let you get some sleep tonight.” He knew he was blushing as he said the last part, his lips curled into a bashful smile, his voice suddenly very shy. He had surprised himself with his little innuendo.

 “I mean, well, you know what I mean…”

 Sebastian’s POV:

Seb sighed and tugged his clothes back into place. He smiled when the small black cat bumped his ankle affectionately and looked up to find Blaine who seemed just as disheveled as he was. “Scoop her up and I’ll show you where I set everything up.” Cats were usually pretty disagreeable when it came to carrying them around but it seemed like Soot didn’t mind anytime B held her. They both probably needed the comfort after such short, hard lives. Seb led  them to the small laundry room where the litter box and food were set up. “I forgot to get a water bowl so, hopefully this will work. I,uh, stole it from a restaurant a while ago.” He pointed to the porcelain tea cup gilded with gold paint. “I was drunk at this stuffy place and...well, yeah. It’s a cat dish now.” 

 They let Soot sniff around her new digs as they walked around the rest of the apartment. She seemed a little afraid but okay, already comfortable on the arm of the couch. He motioned towards the bathroom and his bedroom. Sebastian stood outside of the open door and felt a thrill spark low in his body. “I expect you to keep me up late.” 

 He reached forward slowly so as to not surprise Blaine and toyed with the collar on his shirt. “I know exactly what you mean. It’s super hot when you talk like that.”  Seb bit his bottom lip and let his free hand reach for the door handle behind him. “Why wait for night?” He opened the door and walked backwards with his hand gently pulling Blaine inside.  The room was just as simple as the rest of his place- a small black dresser with a matching nightstand and bed decked out in all navy blue. Maybe letting B decorate with little splashes of color might be a good thing but they had other business to attend to at the moment. 

 “The bed is awfully comfortable…” He sat on the edge, B stood in front of him. Sebastian’s hand slid down his boyfriend’s clothed chest to cup him through his jeans. “I think the sheets need a little messing up, though. Don’t you?” 

 Blaine’s POV:

“You stole a teacup? Adult drunk you must’ve been a character.” It was destructive, sure, but it was a harmless prank and no one got hurt. Of course there was a good reason Sebastian didn’t drink anymore, things like this had become hurtful in different ways. Seb was sober now and Blaine was proud of him. But he couldn’t help himself and fought a smile as he took in the sight of the little cat box and dishes Sebastian had set out for the little ball energy. Soot sniffed around, stole a few pieces of food and darted off in the direction of the living room, satisfied. She was nervous but he could tell she felt safe here, how could she not, she had both of her favorite people to watch over her. Before Blaine could say much  more she had turned herself into a vibrating  loaf of black fur on the arm of the couch.

 Blaine let himself look around the bedroom, it was pristine and hardly looked lived in. However,  the navy blue was a comfort, it reminded him of Dalton days and nights spent driving around the Westerville back roads with Sebastian by his side, hand in hand and belting out terrible pop songs. But it was much bigger than his room now. It was more open and the bed was bigger, it didn’t look like it would squeak if you put pressure on it. He had a small moment of panic, he’d gotten used to the way his bedroom walls encased them, keeping them safe as they moved together, but that was silly and Blaine knew it. He looked up at Seb, his words sending a little thrill through him. He knew that Seb’s arms could keep him safer than the flimsy walls of his apartment and that what he was missing was the familiarity of it all. He licked his lips, the lust and desire returned times ten to the pit of his stomach.

 “I think I can do that…”

 He trailed off as Sebastian reached out for him gently, his skin prickling pleasantly where his fingertips very lightly touched his neck as he toyed with his shirt. He moved forwards with Seb as his boyfriend sat down on the edge of the bed and touched him through his jeans. Sebs’s lips were quirked in a sly smile and yet he was still aware of what Blaine needed to be comfortable, still showed his hands and even though he was guiding him, he still let Blaine call the shots. Blaine bit his bottom lip, his breath hitching as Seb’s fingers caressed him through the thick cloth of his jeans. He closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself, steadying himself. He felt overwhelmed again, as was always the case with Sebastian, that he wanted too much all at once. He wanted to touch him, taste him, fuck him, wanted to make him squirm underneath him, wanted Seb to kiss bruises into his sensitive, forbidden neck, wanted to watch as Seb swallowed around him- eyes always bright, heavy and wanting as he did so. The thoughts made his cheeks heat up as he reached out and cupped his boyfriend's face in his hands, and pressed his hips into his fingers.

 “My plan is to keep the bed messy all weekend long…” 

 The words were murmured against Seb’s lips before he licked into his mouth. He pressed on Sebastian’s shoulders  down and over so that he was lying back against the bed, his head haloed by blue pillows. Without thinking too much about the late afternoon light still surrounding them and leaving nothing hidden, he pulled his shirt over his head and let it drop to the ground before moving to undo his own jeans, watching Seb’s face as he stripped down. He was still self conscious in his skin, years worth of abuse leaving him that way,  but he loved the way his boyfriends eyes devoured each bit of skin he exposed, like he wanted to taste it all. He was getting better. He made sure Seb saw all of him before moving to tug Seb’s sweats down and he wasn’t disappointed that that’s all he had on, his boyfriends cock sprang free and hard and it was so satisfying to Blaine that he was already so hard just from kissing and looking. 

 He watched Seb for a moment, his boyfriend stretched out over the bed, his legs already spread fo him and waiting and god he was fucking perfect and Blaine felt that creeping want to pin him down and just have his way with him wash over him. He blushed, a little ashamed of himself at the thought, but not enough to get rid of the thought entirely. He motioned towards the nightstand, a usual palace to keep condoms and lube and wasn’t surprised that they were there, but a little surprised that Seb had gone out and gotten Blaine’s specific type. It made him feel good, even though it was basically a given. He took one out of the box and took the lube before moving to the bed and crawling up so that he was between Seb’s spread legs, his head rested against his thigh as he slowly stroked him up and down before taking him into his mouth. He tasted like soap and a tangy flavor that was just so Sebastian that Blaine moaned around him, wanting nothing more than to taste the rest of him. He slicked his fingers up, his tongue swirling around the head of Seb’s cock, his eyes locking with his boyfriends, silently asking if he was doing okay. He wasn’t even sure he was good at this anymore, and had been made to feel like he was terrible at all of it. But, being with Seb had shown him that wasn’t true. He felt bold today, maybe not as bold as he wanted to be, but bold enough to take control for a moment.

 He let his slick fingers move from Seb’s cock and down fondling and tugging in all the right places before gently pressing two of them  inside of his boyfriends body, slowly pumping them in and out as he sunk his mouth all the way down on his, relishing in the feeling of him in the back of his throat and heavy on his tongue. Seb’s legs fell open even more in response. 

Sebastian’s POV:

 Sebastian loved the confidence that Blaine had as he pressed him into the bed and undressed in the glimmer of the Manhattan golden hour. He caught a glimpse of the old B, before Kurt had taken him and torn him in half like a piece of junk mail, when he crawled between his legs. Their eye contact didn’t break once and his lips were quirked into a little smirk. If he wasn’t so fucking turned on and hard, he’d mention that he was proud but, that could be a topic for later. 

 He let his body be open and ready. Seb wanted Blaine to know that he had him and had his trust and could do whatever he wanted. They could go as slow or as fast as he wanted, Sebastian wanted to experience it all with him. They had so much to catch up on, after all. 

 Seb sighed as he felt Blaine’s head rest against the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. Goosebumps spread over his arms and it felt like the burn of desire raced from his cock all the way to his toes and up to his fingertips. Seb’s hands came up to grip the pillows by his head, his back was arched and his knees bent. Everything B was doing felt wet and hot and perfect.  As Blaine kept it up he knew he was going to come, but that didn’t mean he wanted it to stop. 

Sebastian’s hips rose and his body shook as he came, Blaine’s name on his lips. He felt the other man hum around him and Sebastian could fucking swear that his eyes rolled into the back of his head. 

 As Blaine nuzzled and kissed his belly, Sebastian tried to catch his breath. 

 “B…” Sebastian reached for his boyfriend’s flushed face so that he could look at him. “If you wanna keep going....I want you to do whatever you want to me.” His voice sounded gruff and shaky but he wanted the message to be clear and consensual.

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine could feel Sebastian contract around his fingers and couldn't help but moan as Sebastian came sudden and hard into his mouth. He did his best to swallow every last drop he could get, enjoying the salty sweetness. He was slowly letting himself learn that he didn’t need to feel bad about how much he liked the taste.  It was intoxicating, like a drug or drink he couldn’t seem to get enough of. Maybe he’d be embarrassed about it later, but right now, in this moment he let himself really feel the moment. He was so fucking turned on as his boyfriend reached for his face and his raspy, post orgasm voice telling him he could keep going almost sent him over the edge right there.  

Seb’s eyes were heavy, and his legs were shaking still as he came down and there was something about the thought of knowing he still got to fuck into him even though Seb was already satisfied. The thought of getting to touch and use Seb’s overly sensitive body made him bite his bottom lip to keep from moaning again. He kissed Seb’s tummy again, nuzzling his nose into the soft trail of hair there before gently climbing up his body and settling between his legs. He held the other man's face between his hands and pressed sweet yet dirty open mouthed kisses against his lips trying to show him how much he loved him and how bad he wanted him at the same time. 

 “You sure? We can stop whenever you want...” He mumbled the words between kisses, pulling back just enough to really see Seb’s face. He nodded, his eyes going wide and serious for a moment only to go heavy and full of lust the next. Blaine reached between them and found the condom he’d gotten out and fumbled only for a second getting it open before sliding it on with slightly shaking hands, he made sure he was slick before pressing his fingers into Sebastian’s body one more time. Of course Seb was still ready and he knew that, but Blaine couldn’t help himself, he wanted to feel the wet heat one more time before lining his cock up and slowly pressing himself deeper and deeper. Seb moaned and so did he and that was all he needed to get himself moving. He fucked into his boyfriend slow and hard, each roll of his hips feeling better than the last. He wasn’t sure if it was the way Seb moaned for him or the way his fingers pressed into his hips, but Blaine was losing himself in the moment. A primal want took over his body in a way it had not in a long time. Maybe he could have a little bit of what he’d been thinking about. Just a little bit. He trusted Seb, knew he’d tell him if it was too much, and Seb trusted him. Blaine knew that. He knew that he could have whatever he wanted if only he were brave enough to ask for it. Why had he not asked before? The answer lay with the shame and ridicule Kurt had put him through, but he pushed that to the back of his mind.

 He nipped at the pulse point in Seb’s neck lightly, delighting in the little gasps that got him. He took a chance and slid his hands to where Seb was gripping his hips and took hold of both of Seb’s wrists before pinning them down on either side of his head. He pushed them into the pillow, using them for leverage as he fucked into him, never taking his eyes off of his boyfriend's face, wanting to make sure it was okay, but also wanting Seb to open himself up even more. 

 “Spread your legs a little more for me…” His voice was low, almost not even there. 

 He squeezed just a little tighter, rocking his hips down and into him just a little harder.

 “You like it like this, don't you? You like the way it feels...” They were statements and questions all wrapped into one, he felt nervous yet confident that he was doing something Seb and him both enjoyed. He was almost shocked that he’d said anything at all, that he was able to pin his boyfriend down, something that an hour ago was only a thought in his head… He moved his lips close to Seb’s ear, snaking his tongue along the shell before breathing his question lowly into it. His fingers still closed around his wrists pinning him down tightly.

 “Can you come for me again?”

Sebastian’s POV:

 Sebastian’s body felt shaky and amplified, it was the feeling of lighting firecrackers and trying to run fast enough to get away, adrenaline and excitement racing hard through veins. He nodded up at Blaine whose intense eyes never left his. Seb loved the way it felt, the twirl of pleasure and pain felt dangerous and delicious. He considered himself well read but he’d never be able to put into words how good he felt and how it was all made better by the confidence that was peeking through in B’s hands and hips. 

 He did as he was told, his thighs ached a little but he didn’t mind it. His boyfriend had a firm grip on both of his wrists, the contact made him moan. He was so impressed by the primal little things the other man was doing to him. Blaine’s skin was hot and a little bit slick with sweat. Sebastian’s body already felt like it could go again. His cock was hard again and fuck, this was Blaine fucking Anderson, looking at him while rolling his hips into him. Could he come again?

 “Fuck yeah.”

 His voice was barely there but the message was heard. Sebastian knew that the other man had him. Maybe he had always known that, even when they hadn’t spoken for years, even when the phone rang at 2 AM and drunken feelings took over, even when they had avoided each other out of pain or nerves. Blaine would always be patiently waiting, Sebastian would always be ready to jump to catch the other. 

 “Love you.”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine was so in the moment that he barely registered the ache in his legs and hips as he pressed into his boyfriend. He hardly noticed the time as it passed. All that mattered was Sebastian around him and the open mouthed look of pure want on his face. Sebastian was looking up at him like he was everything and it made Blaine feel more alive than he’d ever felt before. It was one of those many times where he wanted to bottle the whole last hour up and save it for when he felt insecure or  meek. He didn’t know he had this in him and Sebastian had brought it out of him with patience and encouragement.

 His body acted on it’s own accord when Sebastian reassured him in such a small voice that he could come again. The thought of Seb falling apart underneath him all over again sent little shivers down his spine in anticipation of getting to watch it happen before letting himself feel that release. Blaine leaned down and nipped at  Seb’s neck before soothing the spot with his tongue and lips, losing himself in the moment, his hips rolling slow and deep. Sebastian was just so open for him… He was so lost in the movements and wanting to make Seb feel good that he almost missed the whispered words. 

 “Fuck… Seb…-”

 He lifted his head and looked down at his boyfriend- Seb’s eyes focused on him and it was so raw and so sweet that Blaine’s hips stuttered and he lost the control he’d had. His orgasm hit hard and fast and maybe he should have been embarrassed that an I love you could send him over the edge, but this I love you came from Sebastian and it meant everything and Blaine could have cried with how much it all meant to him. He tried to steady himself, his face pressed into Seb’s neck as he rode the waves out. He pulled back to look down at his boyfriend, one hand sliding from Seb’s wrists to gently cup his face, the other slipping between them so he could touch Sebastian, wrap around him and help him reach the top so he could catch him as he fell back down . 

 “God, I love you back so fucking much.”

 His words were soft and stilted, hard to get out but still clear as day. His breathing was still heavy from his movements. He did his best to stay pressed inside, wanting Sebastian to feel him inside of him as he stroked him through. He leaned forward and licked into his mouth, the kisses still a bit dirty but with a sweetness to them that only came from loving and trusting someone. His words were quiet and trapped between their teeth, tongues, and lips as he spoke, meant to reassure him for more than just tonight.

 “I’ve got you…”

 Sebastian’s POV:

The connection between them felt raw and powerful. They didn’t even need to speak to understand each other. Blaine could read the thrum of Sebastian's heartbeat, the arch of his back. It had always been like that, it had always been meant to be like this. He kept his eyes on B, he wanted to watch him tumble apart, wanted to hear him moan his name- his favorite sight and sound. Seb could feel his boyfriend’s hips stutter, his grip tighten around his wrists.

“C’mon, B…” Seb whispered and coaxed B through his orgasm. 

Blaine’s warm hand on his face, the feeling of him still inside, it all made him humm with pleasure. He could live off of the whispers the other man left on his lips, the feeling of a smile against teeth, a gasp against the side of the other’s mouth. 

Sebastian knew that Blaine had him. If there was something he never had to doubt, it was that. That was why everything hit so hard when they fell apart before, if B wasn’t there, who really had his back? Who else did he have to laugh into the phone at midnight with? Who was there to reach through his stormy mind with nothing but a smile? He nodded, he knew Blaine understood.

 Blaine’s firm grip and kisses helped him fall over the edge once more and Seb was wrapped up in the other man’s strong arms immediately. They lay wrapped around each other, heavily breathing and kissing each other’s cheeks, lips, noses, foreheads. 

 They lay like that for a while before either one of them spoke. Sebastian nipped at Blaine’s bottom lip and nuzzled his jawbone, his five o clock shadow already peeking through. 

 “I take it that you like it here.”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine tucked his face into Sebastian’s neck, lying next to him and wrapped around him now. His breathing finally seemed to be steadying and he finally felt like he was on the ground again. His body was sore in all the right places and even though it was still early evening he could have snuggled into Sebastian and whispered sweetness until they both fell asleep for the night. Surly Soot would find her way to them and she too would curl up at their feet as they slept. It was as perfect as a thought could be and Blaine almost asked for it. But, he was a bit hungry and a little nudge on his jaw from Seb took him away from it. He turned to look at his boyfriend, his nips and kisses causing him to break out in a grin and he laughed as he answered, his body snuggled close so that their chest were touching. He reached out and traced his fingertips down Seb’s arm, tracing the little stardust of freckles.

 “I do like it here. But, I mean, with you here with me it’s just perfect. I feel like I’m safe wherever you are…” His voice was soft as he thought, his brain catching up to reality as he really took in the question.  “It’s out there- alone... that’s hard.” He bit his lip and then shook his head, letting out a little breathy laugh so it wouldn’t get too deep even though his heart was pounding now for a different reason. “I suppose I’m just going to have to take you with me wherever I go.” He shrugged and let his traveling fingertips rest at Seb’s wrist. Usually they were pale and delicate, but now they were slightly pink and just a touch heated and the memory of squeezing and pressing them down jolted Blaine into a bad memory. Triggering him into a moment of panic.

 “Oh god, did I hurt you?”

Suddenly he was terrified that he’d done something wrong. That by acting on primal urges he was just as bad as Kurt, even if Blaine knew in the passionate moment that Sebastian was into it and that if Seb had said to stop that Blaine would have let go and backed away- a shock still went through him that he’d managed to leave a little bit of a mark and his heart pounded even harder as he sat up cross legged next to Seb and reached for his wrist and pressed kisses to them before reaching for other parts of Seb’s body that his fingertips had pressed into just to check him over. He blinked, his eyes a little stingy. Why had he wanted to do this? Why did he want to hold him down and take control? Was there something wrong with him? In the moment it had seemed fun and sexy and something he’d been into before his life went to shit, but how could he like it after all that happened? And again for the second time that night he wondered how he could ask for something like this or even want it… 

 A little voice in his head told him to calm down, and told him it was okay. It sounded a lot like a mix of his and Sebastian’s; You had fun, Blaine. This is different from the nightmare Kurt put you through. You trust Seb and he trusts you. Don’t compare it. Just breathe… Trust him, trust yourself.

 “I-I didn’t think… I don’t even know why I did that. I’m so sorry, baby…”

 The name slipped out organically in a mumble against Sebastian’s chest, never used on anyone else before, as the beat of his boyfriend's heart thudded  against his lips reassuring him he was still here and okay. He pulled back to look at him, his thumbs gently rubbing over the already faded marks on Seb’s wrists.

 “I mean, yeah, it was super fun and hot, but I shouldn’t have done it.” Right? 

 Sebastian’s POV:

 Blaine’s fingertips ghosted over Sebastian’s wrists. He could see the switch in his boyfriend’s eyes, the panic tugging his bottom lip down into a frown. Seb wasn’t hurt, he felt satisfied and tired and in need of a cigarette or two. “I’m good.” He looked at his wrists and saw that they were a little red but that was okay with him. It would just be a reminder of their time together. “I like it when you leave marks.” 

Seb liked the weight of  Blaine’s head on his chest but hated that he felt upset with himself. “You have nothing to worry about. I wanted you to do it, I promise.” A small twinge of pleasure slid up his spine when the other man called him baby, he liked how that sounded. If B wasn’t so worried, he’d drown the other man in kisses. 

 “Hey, look at me.” Sebastian sat up and made sure the two of them made direct eye contact. “You know that I trust you, right? I would stop you if something were wrong. “ He reached out to hold Blaine’s hand, “I know that you’ve been through hell. But, you’re not Kurt, okay? He’s a fucking prick. You’re a good person, you listen to me and my body.” Speaking so openly like this made himself feel a little better about the bullshit he went through in the past himself. “I’ve had my share of...uncomfortable experiences. I know I don’t talk about it much but, we aren’t the people that have hurt us. Even though we fell apart for a bit, please believe me when I say that you have always treated me with respect and have never made me feel ashamed of being sexual.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s body gave an involuntary shudder when Sebastian mentioned that he liked the faint marks he’d left on his body. Once upon a time it wouldn’t have been such a  big deal, sure, Blaine might have still panicked a tiny bit and fret over Seb, but that was in his nature. But,  now, after everything he felt like he’d done something wrong. He knew that he hadn't, he really did, but this part of him, the part that Kurt had shamed and shoved down, had turned some of his pleasures and little kinks and perversions and pain so of course Blaine would feel off about it. Seb was looking at him wide eyed and honest and Blaine knew he meant what he said. 

He let Sebastian take hold of his hand and made himself look up so that he could really listen to his boyfriend.  It hurt his chest and his pounding heart to be reminded that Sebastian had been abused by past lovers before, one’s that took his sexual nature and took it just a bit too far, and Blaine wanted to scoop him up and promise him that he’d always been taken care of. Wanted to whisper words of comfort and a little part of him wanted to go find each person that had gotten too rough or too persistent and smack the shit out of them. It wouldn’t help, of course, he knew that. All he could do was pull Seb closer to him and nod as he spoke and accept his boyfriend's words as fact. 

Maybe Blaine would have another moment of panic, and maybe Blaine would need to slow down sometimes. But there was no denying how they worked together or how they just knew each other’s body. What he’d done was okay. He wasn’t bad for wanting to press his boyfriend down, he wasn’t horrible for wanting to talk dirty or for leaving gentle marks with his fingertips or his lips- they had been made out of love and trust. Sitting here looking at Sebastian he wanted to smack himself for almost ruining the moment with his anxiety again. Of course this was all okay. Look how much fun they’d had… Their movements together and the way Seb’s body just responded to Blaine was the most natural thing, and Blaine had known how to do it without second thought and Seb had risen to him and fell apart in his arms and it had been perfect and Blaine didn’t need to worry. He’d taken control and neither one of them was hurt. Maybe he’d need to be reminded again later, but right now Seb’s face and gentle words told him all he needed to know. 

 “I trust you too, Seb. With everything.” He bit his lip, feeling a bit sheepish all over again. “I promise to never shame you or make you feel like something you want is wrong. And I promise to always listen to what you tell me and what your body tells me. I just got anxious, the marks Kurt left were always angry and harsh and just seeing the red here sort of made me wonder if I was any better. I know that’s not true and I know you’d tell me if I did hurt you, I guess I just had a moment.” He sort of shrugged and laughed. 

 “We got so close again so fast, sometimes I feel like I should still be that shell of a boy you met again on New Year’s. The one that could hardly look at you and could barely stand to be touched. I still don't like it much, but when it comes to you … Well, I’m yours. We’ve just done so much for each other, it’s still a bit baffling to see the progress. I love it, and I wouldn't change it, but I guess I need to take a step back and see it for what it is and how much you’ve helped me. We’ve helped each other.”

He cleared his throat and let his thumb run over the now faded marks on Seb’s wrist. 

“You know… one day you’ll have to tell me if there’s anything you want to try. Any hidden kinks that maybe I can work my way up to.” He teased and leaned in and stole a kiss. “But for now maybe we should go check on Soot and perhaps I can make you some dinner. Assuming you have something for me to cook.” He grinned, feeling better and closer still to his person.

 Sebastian’s POV:

 Only the two of them could have had passionate sex followed by important conversation. It felt special and real and Blaine was right, it was so easy to fall back into each other that at times it was almost jarring at how little time had actually passed. “We have helped each other. I mean, look at how mushy you have me acting.” He smiled, “We got each other.”

 Sebastian watched as Blaine touched his wrists. Of course he knew that they would both have low moments and bouts of anxiety, times where they didn’t really want to be touched. But, he also knew that they were in love and that they were working so hard to better themselves. Neither of them would be fixed overnight. There would always be small little cracks. They just needed to fill their breaks and cracks with gold to come out stronger, like one of those beautiful Japanese vases. 

 “Oh, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.” Seb’s face broke out into a grin that hurt the corners of his mouth. He loved when Blaine stole kisses from his smiles, made him laugh against his lips, pulled him in for a few more. “You know damn well she’s still asleep. But, I do need a cigarette. You wore me out.” Sebastian poked Blaine gently in the side. “You’re going to be quite impressed, Anderson. I bought some groceries.” 

 Blaine put on one of Sebastian’s grey Columbia hoodies. He loved the way he looked in it and told him that he could keep it. They padded out into the kitchen where Seb laid out the items he had bought and B set to work on their evening breakfast. Soot, who was fast asleep still, woke to the sizzle of bacon in the pan and rubbed all over both of them. Sebastian silently promised her the fat off of a piece of bacon as he scratched behind her pointy ears. He could get used to this, he thought. The scent of bacon grease, the little sounds of Soot’s paws on the hardwood, Blaine humming in the kitchen. For the first time since he had moved to the city, his apartment didn’t feel empty or lonely. It felt like a home.

 /fin.