I’ve been wanting to write about my past relationships and love life. I usually only write here for myself honestly. I know no one reads this, but I just do this for my own personal reflection and my own self therapy. When I was little, all I did was write in my diaries that are probably in the trash or lost and forgotten. I was great at detail. So for this part, I am going to write about how each relationship made me who I am and also how it affected me. My first relationship was with someone that honestly should of never been my bf. He was older. He said he was 19, but honestly he was prob older. He called me names for talking to people and even pushed me and hurt me. I left him for another person at the time, but he was my age. He was my real first love. His name was M. I felt like he would stay with me forever and love me like I did. He seemed like he did while we were dating, but then once I became his gf he left me like a month later. He had met someone else and I told him to choose and he chose that random girl, so I never gave him a chance again. He came back years later when I was 21 to apologize, I called him to try to hang out with him and it went to voicemail. I never tried again to talk to him. My next relationship, happened in a summer of 2003. Met him through friends, and he asked for my number. We were together most of the summer. He left me because I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship and because I didn’t know how to read street names. Kind of ridiculous to me. I cried some for that. After that, I didn’t have any actual relationships until like 2007 or 2006. That didn’t last because it was something that I fell into because he was really nice. In between that, I had two people that I really loved, but they were never officially in a relationship with me. I gave myself to two ppl that never even took me seriously, but the first person that I did, decided to tell me to leave and treated me like crap, even though I felt like he loved me the whole time, but I’m the only one that loved him. Me alone. Not him. He tried to talk to me a month later, but I told him to leave me alone. He was in my life for years, but never wanted to be my bf. Kind of stupid in my opinion. His reasons were.. I want to keep you as a friend, and he would come back when he was on a break with girls that would actually be his gfs. I never understood that. I wasted all that time on someone that never even wanted to be with me. I bought him presents. Took him to concerts and just wanted to be around him, just for him to never when make me his gf. I never had anger towards him after that, but I should of have. My last relationship before I was with S, was E. He was a summer fling, he left me because I was too serious and I wanted to be someone and he wanted to live paycheck to paycheck. I was too calm for him. All bullshit excuses. I cried for him some, got over him fast. I had other loves and crushes in between, but none of them became nothing because none of them ever took me seriously. At this point in my life, I feel happy to have gone through all of these experiences, but I didn’t deserve half ass lukewarm relationships or pretend relationships. I never gave myself to anyone willingly, other than for love, but all of them betrayed me. I had flings where these assholes would try things without asking me and forcing themselves on me. I hate these so they don’t deserve to be named or talked about. My current relationship or what is left of, is rocky and I sometimes feel like just being alone. I can’t deal with another man or relationship anymore. I wish one day I get my happy ending or love, cause where is he?? I am getting older, and I feel stuck..
