Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Two Scoops. Get Huge. End of Story. You think you know how to be a meathead? Nope. You don't. You are small. You are weak. But we can help. So sit down, read up, and get ready for a hot beef injection.

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Beyoncé The Destroyer

I’ve never been more motivated to do some chest flyes than I am right now.

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Win the Wedding With Natalia @quad.zillas

Is this what love is? Do all the stipulations above still go into effect if it is her own wedding?  If @quad.zillas and I get married can we have squat racks at the reception? Alright, going to reverse lunge with a ring and win this woman’s heart, BRB.

WHO THE FUCK IS JIM!? SHIT.  Do we kill him?  But how do we find this fucker Jim? Jim. Gym. Oh... k nevermind wedding is back on.

-Tony Muscoli

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Gronk’s Gunshow

Holy sh..... Gronk is getting ready for the 2018 season with a minigun@LacesOutShow pic.twitter.com/Y55DHXt76t

— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman)

May 7, 2018

Holy shit. I knew it. Rob Gronkowski is the Heavy gunner from Team Fortress 2.

I fucking knew it.

-Tony

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Gym Jealousy

I see you dude. 

We’ve all been there.  And it’s OK to stare, it is what Row Bro here wants.  Your jealousy is what fuels his workouts.  There is always a bigger bro at the gym, always.  Even if you can’t see him, he there - putting on 1 more plate than your max, always.

-Tony

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‘Kiesza - Mother’ is Massif Music Video Featuring Kai Greene

Faced with a sea of purple links, deep in a YouTube hole, cracked out on C4, we find ourselves here: amid the smoke and shadow of Kiesza’s new music video - Mother, featuring the equally mysterious Kai Greene:

This performance from Kai not only helps broaden bodybuilding’s audience, but it also compete’s with  Greene’s posing routine from the 2016 Arnold Classic for best Predator dance.

-Tony

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James Harrison Hip Thrusts 765lbs

A post shared by Under Armour (@underarmour) on Aug 16, 2017 at 3:05pm PDT

This guy fucks.

This is James Harrison @jhharrison92 Hip Thrusting 16 plates for reps. That is 765 lbs, plus don't forget to add the weight of his ENORMOUS BRASS BALLS. So, probably closer to 800lbs - 40 pound balls sounds like an appropriate estimate for testicular tonnage.

-Tony

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Leg Day is the Best Day

“First 24 year old to ever squat over 500...” Bro, my little sister squatted 515 in High School - chill. 

“My legs are 18 inches around...” But wait, that is small?  Am I missing something?  “18 inches around” should only be spoken when describing your biceps or your chode, not your quads.

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Samantha Hall Pistol Squats

Samantha Hall (Instagram: @bo_xox) lit up the internet this week with her latest Instagram post where she is repping some level 99 pistol squats:

Personally, I'm not that impressed. I was promised pistols, and there are no firearms. I was promised squats, and there is no barbell. How can I fire off a round in salute of each 45lbs plate, without guns and a barbell?! "Pistol squats" my ass.

-Tony

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Vegetarian Bodybuilder

The only time a bodybuilder should be going to the grass is when they are squating or smoking.

[ubergirls]

Stephanie Sanzo

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The candidness of this moment is made apparent by the shoes, which seem to portray a definite feeling of, "oh I just paused here to stretch while on my morning run."

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Proper Hack Squat Technique

The Hack Squat is an often under-utilized tool for leg growth, though we know it can be an incredibly effective tool.  The legend Dorian Yates has said, and I quote, “I won 6 Mr. Olympia titles without doing a single free-weight squat.”  Dorian built his championship winning legs with leg press and, yup, - you guessed it - the Hack Squat.

If we know that the Hack Squat can be an effective quad-builder, why aren’t you doing it?  

Maybe your gym doesn’t have the machine?   Find another gym?  I don’t know what to tell you other than: you shouldn’t be working out at planet fitness.

Maybe you don’t know how to use the machine? That’s what your Uncle Tony is here for, gather ‘round.

Hack Facks

Perhaps the single most common misconception about Hack Squats, is that there is only one way to do them: flat back to pad, squat down.  But this isn’t true for everyone.  

Hack Fack #1: Men and woman alike have different joint structures, different lengths of limbs, and varying ranges-of-motion in the hip due to genetics, ankylosis, or inflexibility.

Hack Fack #2: When engaging in the Hack Squat motion, men derive the majority of their power through their quadriceps femoris.  This gives the male musculature a mechanical advantage when engaging in a more traditional Hack Squat technique: Back flush against the pad, feet shoulder width apart, toes pointed forward, keep your lower back up against the pad as you lower to quads at a 90 degree angle to shins.

Hack Fack #3: Women, on the other hand, derive the majority of their power from their gluteus maximus.  This gives women the mechanical advantage when utilizing the Reverse Hack Squat.

"This machine smells like neck sweat.”

When performing the Reverse Hack Squat, women concentrate on keeping the shoulders forward, face down, hips back off the pad.  When in the “down” position, quads should be at roughly a 45 degree angle to the shins, focusing on keeping an exaggerated arch in the lower back.  Compression leg-wear is highly recommended when performing this exercise in order to increase blood circulation to my boner the leg muscles involved.

Here is a video of natural bodybuilder Jodi Miller performing the exercise:

You can tell the glutes are being engaged, by the way her lower back looks like it is about to rupture.

Hopefully you’ve found this information helpful.  I’ll be keeping an eye out for more ladies utilizing the Reverse Hack Squat in the future.  Let me know if you need a spot.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

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Three Scoops is Whey Too Much: A Tale of Excess

I would like to preface this story by telling you that I may have been overly liberal in my consumption of frozen bean burritos in the waning hours of an inebriated cheat day the day prior.  The day following this gratuitous consumption, I awoke to easily surmountable GI unpleasantness, and thus paid not a second thought to the idea of jump-starting my gains by consuming a post-lunch shake with three scoops of whey protein.

Ground Zero

I farted last night in my office cube.  I thought it was going to be a regular pufft, not escaping a 1 cube radius, as every fart before it.  But this one, this one was special.  It was slow-escaping, damp, almost viscous.  It had all the makings of a Level 5 Protein Fart and when the smell first hit me, I didn't flinch.  I couldn't, I had to remain calm, but inside - inside a terror gripped me like the hands of the devil himself.

I knew this was going to be bad.  And I could see it was spreading.  2 cubes away my coworker and roommate Dash stands up, "the fuck is that?"  

My teammate and cube neighbor Keenan is walking back from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, "Holy shit.  Who farted?"

"My bad," I foolishly admitted but, hey, these two men were my closest confidants in the workplace. 

 It was spreading.

4 cubes away a Data Analyst named Pat starts choking.  

Lu, the hot Asian office manager, is walking by Pat's desk and her face scrunches as if she has just skinned a lemon and placed the entire thing in her mouth.  

"Oh my god is that real?!" she screams.  "Who did that?"

By now everybody knows it was me.  I shouldn't have admitted to this one.  It was too bad.  No good was going to come of this.

M.A.D. – Mutually Assured Destruction

A sweet little Associate named Amelia, the type of girl who probably has a pie cooling on her window sill at all hours of the day, walks by with her arm up over her mouth as if she has just been tear gassed.  We made brief eye contact – there was hatred in her eyes.  She shook her head slightly and continued marching past.

Luckily it was after 5pm, most of the office had already gone home for the day and they were spared.  But those unlucky few who were still milling about in the afternoon florescent twilight made me very aware of the atrocities I had committed.

My own brand of methane hadn’t been this pungent since altitude sickness and egg whites caused me throw out a pair of pants back ’08.  

Not since college cafeteria food had my intestines been fueled with such a fiery demon fuel.

I left the office that night in shame.  I was laughing, but it was a shameful laughter.  I was laughing to distract myself from the fact that that single passing of wind had, like paint thinner, stripped my dignity from my once proud façade.  

I went home that night shivering with dishonor.

The Aftermath

The next day, I am walking into the office building just as my boss, a Senior Director named Hilda, and a VP named Bertha are walking out. Hilda looks me square in the eye and says without preface, “who farted last night?”

I was a deer in headlights.

“Are… are you serious?” I stuttered.

Without even blinking, Hilda looks at me says, “yes.”

She knows.

I lingered for only a second more before simply turning and walking into the building without uttering a word.

I tried to play it off like nothing had happened.  But something had happened.  Something grave and seemingly unforgivable.  The story of Hilda’s remarks made their rounds.  Closer friends had a good laugh.  By noon, all was quiet on the Western Front.

Then, as 4:30pm rolls around on that Friday afternoon, I subtly wave goodbye and try to casually duck out the side door and leave a few minutes early for the weekend.  Lu, the office manager, spots me and shouts out, “see you later Farter.  Have a good weekend.”

God damn it.  Thanks a lot three scoops, now people call me “Farter” around the office.  I knew I had it right from the beginning, I’m sticking with two scoops.

-Tony “Farter” Muscoli

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Yea but dem calves tho

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Korean Workout Room

Hwang Chul Soon's WORKOUT Room 코미디빅리그 징맨 황철순선수의 운동현장

This video gives me the strangest boner.  Like, I am confused.  Is the point to showcase how huge Hwang Chul Soon is?  Or is it to show hot girls working out?  Is the goal to combine the two so that meatheads like me only feel half as gay watching the video because clips of hot girls are spliced in?

Or perhaps I am just a stupid American who has no concept of Korean culture and art.  I can't understand anything that they are saying in the video, so maybe I am missing a huge piece of the story?  

Could the underlying purpose of this video really be an artistic expression of juxtaposing gender roles in New Age Korean Fitness Culture?  A man with an enormous body and a tiny head, working out amongst women who have tiny bodies and huge heads.  That is my best hypothesis, and since I am usually right until somebody proves me wrong, I am going to go with my gut and believe myself on this one.

Tiny Head. Huge body.

[fitness-bodybuilding]

Talk About Burning Calories.

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CT Fletcher doing Flaming Hammer Curls.  Why?  Does it really matter?

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Ron Jovi - Livin' on a Leg Press

This is way better than the auto-tune remix of Antoine Dodson.

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The Only Bodybuilding Christmas Carol. Ever.

DJ MuscleBoy - MUSCLEBELLS

"God damn that's a muscular Jesus."

This is now the only song on my Christmas Playlist.