Andrew's Stories and Thoughts

@txhatch

[txhatch]

A Simple Explanation of the Supreme Court’s Sports Gambling Decision

"Congress can regulate sports gambling directly, but if it elects not to do so, each State is free to act on its own."

Let’s get a few things out of the way

1. There has never been a federal ban on sports gambling. It isn’t illegal and there is not, nor has there ever been, a federal law saying you can’t bet on sports.

2. You won’t be able to go out tomorrow and throw money on Warriors -5 just because the Supreme Court says you can.

Ok good. Here’s a quick and simple explanation for what just happened.

For a very long time a group of professional and amateur sports leagues joined forces to prevent people from gambling on sports. Led by David Stern, the commissioner of the NBA at the time, all major sports leagues and the NCAA helped a senator from New Jersey pass a law called the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act (PAPSA). Simply put, the law made it unlawful for a state government entity or a person to sponsor, operate, advertise, or authorize by law any form of gambling or betting on professional and amateur sports. Now this sounds like a federal ban on gambling, but it isn’t and here is why.

The law made it specifically clear that any legal gambling operations would not be affected (i.e. Vegas and Horsetracks among others). Additionally, the law did not prevent people from betting money on sports, as you could still go to Vegas, go to a horsetrack, or play fantasy sports for cash prizes. The law instead only prevented state governments from passing a law that would allow people to bet on sports. Seems arbitrary and it is, but this arbitrary difference is exactly why the Supreme Court decided to reverse today.

PAPSA has been challenged in court since 2012. Former Gov. Chris Christie challenged the law originally when he wanted to allow Atlantic City casinos to accept sports bets. He ultimately lost before ever reaching the Supreme Court. He tried again in 2014 this time using a different approach. Christie challenged PAPSA saying it violated the “anticommandeering” doctrine of the 10th Amendment. In simple terms, the doctrine says congress can’t order states to force or adopt laws when the federal government itself has not adopted those laws. This is where the arbitrary difference comes into play.

If the federal government has a law, and a state government has a law, the federal law must be followed in the event of a conflict (Supremacy clause). This is why on issues like gay marriage, abortion, etc. the federal law is enforced even if states may not like it. However, if there is no federal law, then the federal government cannot force states to change or implement laws. Governor Christie recognized this and argued that PAPSA was forcing states to ban gambling, when there was no federal law that outlawed gambling. Christie thought it should be up to New Jersey to decide if they would allow sports gambling in New Jersey. As it turns out, the Supreme Court agrees.

The decision today states that PAPSA was in violation of the anticommandeering doctrine. The law was unconstitutional because by it forced states to enact federal policy that didn’t exist. The Supreme Court has decided, as shown by the definitive quote above, if Congress has not chosen to regulate gambling, then States should be free to do so as they choose.

What happens now?

States now can choose to allow sports gambling. This doesn’t mean they all will and it doesn’t mean you can go place bets tomorrow. It means that every state now must individually draft and pass a law that says you can gamble on sports in their state. Nevada already allows this, as does Delaware, Oregon, and Montana. New Jersey now can move forward with their law and allow sports betting at Atlantic City Casinos and Horsetracks. This should move quickly and gambling will happen within the next few weeks in NJ. All other states will could take anywhere from a few months to a few years to pass any laws that allow sports gambling. State legislatures move slowly, the industry must be regulated, and many states don’t even allow gambling except at casinos on tribal lands. These states would need to figure how and where they are going to allow sports gambling.

For now though, this is a big step in allowing the legalization of sports gambling. Also, be prepared for about a million fan duel and daily fantasy commercials. Good thing those aren’t annoying.

[txhatch]

Good Will Hunting - Fantasy Football Soof

Scene V – By the lake – Sean and Lee sit quietly

Lee: (rambling as Sean sits next to him not speaking) What’s this? A taster’s choice moment between guys?

This is really nice…

You got a thing for ducks? Is this like a fetish? You know, maybe something we need to devote some time to?

Sean: (finally speaking) Thought about what you said to me the other day. About my rankings…

Lee: uh huh…

Sean: Stayed up half the night thinking about it.

Something occurred to me…then I fell into a deep peaceful sleep and I haven’t thought about you since.

You know what occurred to me?

Lee: No.

Sean: You’re just a rook and you don’t have the faintest idea of what you’re talking about.

Lee: (condescendingly) Why thank you

Sean: That’s alright. You’ve never been off of cable. No redzone. No live look in.

Lee: Nope.

Sean: So if I asked you about players, you’d probably give me the skinny on every Howie Long or Curt Menefee player rant.

Aaron Rodgers. Bet you know a lot about him. Career stats. 4th quarter comebacks. Him and McCarthy…Olivia Munn…the whole thing right? But I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in Lambeau Field. You’ve never actually stood there and looked down at that frozen tundra. Felt that.

If I asked you about defenses…you’d probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even had a punt return a few times…But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up, check your scores, and feel truly happy.

You’re a smart guy.

I ask you about TEs, you probably throw Rotoworld at me right? “High upside, boom or bust” – exhale laugh – but you’ve never feared one. You’ve never held your breath as Jordan Reed gets evaluated for another concussion for the third year in a row.

I ask you about WRs, probably quote me fantasy pros. But you’ve never looked at Antonio Brown and been totally vulnerable. Knowing someone that could carry your team alone. Feeling like God put an angel on earth, just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of the waiver wire. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be his keeper. To have that love for him, be there forever. Through anything. Through Landry Jones. And you wouldn’t know about sitting up in a hotel on a West Coast business trip, waiting to plug him into the lineup, because your league members could see in your group chat that the term Pacific Standard Time, wasn’t going to let you lose.

You don’t know about real loss. Because that only occurs when you take a risk greater than a normal ADP. And I doubt you ever dared to take any flyer that deep. 

I look at you, I don’t see an intelligent, confident player. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’ve got game Lee, no one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a mock draft of mine and you ripped my fucking life apart.

You’re a homer right? Like to take the guys from your own college.

(Lee nods softly)

You think I know the first thing about how hard you study, how much passion you have, or who you are because I saw the College Football Playoff? Does that encapsulate you?

Personally? I don’t give a shit about all that, because you know what…I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read on some fucking reddit post. Unless you wanna talk about you…who you are…and I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t wanna do that do you sport? You’re terrified of how many games you might lose.

Your move chief.

< Cut Scene >

[txhatch]

Of Course

Webster’s dictionary defines the phrase “of course” as: following the ordinary way or procedure; as might be expected.

Now, assuming you didn’t immediately skip this column because it started with a tired cliché, you are most likely reading this because one, you’re related to me or are my friend and I bugged you incessantly to support me; two, you are casually connected to me via social media and mildly interested in my thoughts and opinions; or three, you have no connection to or interest towards me but you’re willing to give me a chance anyways. Whatever reason you have, it can be almost assured that the reason you are reading this is not because you are interested in the definition and origin of the phrase “of course”. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am.

To all of you readers, whether familiar or not, allow me to introduce myself. 

The definition of the phrase “of course” is objectively and utterly unimportant to your daily life, or for that matter to mine. But wanting to know more than anyone ever should about the history and meaning of something so utterly unimportant is who I am. I am fascinated by the unimportant things. The origin of a random phrase keeps me up at night. In fact, the origin and meaning of this particular phrase is what spawned my idea for this column and now serves as the title and central thesis to the message I hope to bring you every week.

“Of course” derives from the phrase “of the ordinary course” and first gained use in the 16th century. The definition for the phrase in its early use was similar to how we use it now when referring to something that occurs naturally or as expected (“Of course I took out the trash”). Since then, the phrase and its definition have developed other idiomatic uses. It can be used as a way to convey enthusiastic agreement (“Can I come over?” “Of course!”), to qualify or validate the subsequent statement (Of course, we won’t definitively know until we get the results back from the lab”), or to emphasize or make obvious a point (“He is, of course, his father’s son”). You can see how these definitions all stem from the phrase’s original meaning but have since developed subtly different connotations through our own colloquial use.

Now, assuming you can read the previous paragraph, you’re smart enough to already know the meaning of the phrase “of course” and how to use it. It’s not something you ever had to look up. No one had to define it for you. It’s probably not even something you can remember learning; you just knew it. Even if you couldn’t explicitly define and state the different uses themselves like I did above, you most likely knew all of those uses already and use them regularly. In fact, you could (and should) properly respond to my rambling about the definition of the phrase “of course” with, “Of course.” 

And that is fascinating to me. It’s serendipity.

Every day there are these little things in life we forget. More than that, we forget we even knew them in the first place. It’s something small. Something unimportant. Something irrelevant. And it’s only when someone brings one of those little things up that, not only do you remember it in the first place, but you’re reminded how relevant and appropriate it actually is.

My goal each week is twofold. As I’ve done today with the phrase “of course”, each week I’m going to take some minutiae no one could possibly consider interesting and attempt to connect it to our world. On its face it might seem unimportant or irrelevant but I will (hopefully) make it relevant to your life. This isn’t a novel goal obviously. The opposite actually. Relevancy and the competent conveyance of ideas should be the goal of almost all writing anywhere, but especially writing in a weekly column. Which brings me to my second goal. I hope that by the end of each of my columns, you are able to respond with the words “of course” in all its definitions. First, as a consolation that what I’ve said makes sense and naturally flows, and second as a natural reaction to the realization that everything I’ve said was something you already knew but simply forgot about knowing or forgot that it was important to know. I believe it’s the li

That’s assuming you’re still reading this, of course.

[txhatch]

Until Her

I am in love for the first time in my life and I’ve already lost her.

I am 28 years old and have never said I love you to a girlfriend or partner. I’ve dated casually and seriously; I’ve looked for something that wasn’t there in places I knew it would never be. It always felt like I was searching for whatever it was you were supposed to feel. But I never felt it.

Until her..

With other girls the breakup would come and I’d feel almost nothing. It was sad of course. I’d mourn. But it never felt hard to move on.

Until her.

She and I broke up on November 12, 2018. It was sometime in October when I was having a cigarette with Dan on a crisp autumn day in Chicago. He was telling me about his plans to propose to Kellie, his longtime girlfriend and an absolute sweetheart. I was so proud of him. In between drags and talks of rings and ceremonies, he asked me about my relationship. She and I were approaching our three month anniversary and I had planned a staycation at a nice hotel downtown. Drinks, dinner, the works. I was so proud of myself.

“Are you in love with her?”

The question hung in the air with the cigarette smoke longer than I realized. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer him. My instinct was to say no. I had never been in love before and I certainly didn’t think I felt anything new now. But the word never came to my lips. I thought long enough for Dan to prompt his own answer.

“I think you are honestly.”

I decided to respond this time. “I don’t know really.” A nonanswer if there ever was one.

It had not been something I had taken the time to think about yet. Our relationship was still new and while very strong, it had it’s issues like all relationships do. But now as I sit here telling you this story I know what my answer was. There wasn’t a specific day or time that it happened but nothing could have felt more sudden and immediate. It was as if everything in our relationship up to that point came to me in a feeling that I had never realized before.

Until her.

There is a way she looks at me. I can’t really even describe what the look is or how it happens but it’s there. Forever etched in my brain. I realized it was a look she gave me in a crowded bar out with friends and it was the same look she gave me when it was just the two of us playing cards on the floor. Truth be told I’m not sure she even knows that she does it. But she does.

It stops time. In those moments I feel invincible. In those moments nothing in the world matters except us. A warmth fills me which I fear will never be matched and I don’t know if I ever want it to.

It is only now, nearly two months after our breakup, and three months after my realization, that I know what that look is.

It’s love.

I am in love with her and I’ve already lost her.

The anniversary was perfect. It was everything I had wanted. It was filled with moments of that look.

I didn’t tell her I loved her. I should have.

I’d give anything to have just one more moment. One more look.

After we broke up I really did begin to feel better and move on. But then I didn’t. I realized I was still searching for her. At bars with friends, at home on my couch. I almost expected her to be there, somewhere, looking at me. And when she wasn’t it broke me. Every. Single. Time.

I needed that look. I needed her. I wasn’t ready for it to end. I finally realized what I had and I lost her. And none of it makes sense.

I know I will lose her. I know one day she will look at someone else that way and the thought of that person not being me is unbearable. I have to be okay with it and I don’t see how I ever can. Not now anyways.

They say time heals all wounds and I used to believe that.

Until her.

[txhatch]

Why Dustin Johnson Won’t Win the Masters

“A tradition unlike any other.” The words every golf fan clings to once promos begin running in January of a new year. It’s been exactly 78 days since I saw the first promo for the 2017 Masters Tournament and I have given my (unsolicited) prediction to friends, family, and anyone that will listen at least 78 times. I have opinions on the par 3 tournament, the ceremonial tee shot, opinions on which 50+ year old golfer will be at the top of the leaderboard on only to disappear by Sunday, and opinions on which big name will struggle all week and eventually end up with a back door top-10 people will claim to mean more than it does. I even have opinions on the food Danny Willet will serve at his Champions’ Dinner. But my boldest opinion, a “hot take” if you will, concerns the odds on favorite and most popular pick to don the green jacket. Dustin Johnson.

Dustin Johnson will not win the Masters. No, not just this year. Ever.

The man has a close to perfect life. He has a gorgeous wife, an adorable son, millions of dollars, and a swing that makes golf balls weep. One thing DJ will never have: a Masters W. Augusta National is an absolutely gorgeous course, and even more demanding. The pure color of the grounds pops off the screen. So does the treacherous slope of every fairway and green. This course is an absolute battle for 72 holes, and it requires a game DJ just does not have. Yes, he can bomb it a mile. Yes, he has absolutely improved his putting and short game from where it was four years ago. He even seems to have figured out the mental game. All of that said, this writer just does not see a green jacket in DJ’s future.

Let’s take a look at DJ’s “improvement” and how it relates to the Masters.

2016 was the year of DJ. He won three tournaments, including the US Open, had a top 10 at Augusta and a top 10 in the Open, won the BMW Championship and finished 2nd in the FedEx Cup. He even took home PGA Tour’s Jack Nicklaus Trophy for Player of the Year. Every analyst attributed DJ’s success to his improved short game. To be fair, he was much better, but let’s really look at those numbers. Johnson finished 26th in Strokes Gained: Approach to the Green, a statistic that measures how well a player scored on shots into the green (no tee shots except Par 3s). He also finished 75th in Strokes Gained: Around the Green, a similar stat that measures performance on shots 30 yards and in. Finally, he finished 36th in putting. For a guy who finished 1st in Eagles per hole, 1st in Birdies, and 1st in Scoring Average, he sure was average in short game statistics. The simple fact is, DJ just hits the ball farther than everyone, and an average short game is all he really needs to win tournaments. The difference is, this isn’t just any tournament, this is Augusta.

2017 has been even better for DJ. He’s top 10 in most Strokes Gained statistics and 2nd in Greens-In-Regulation. He’s even won three tournaments in a row. *In my best Lee Corso voice* Not so fast my friend. He’s also still 155th in putts per round, 136th in Driving Accuracy, and 23rd in Scrambling. Let’s also not forget that DJ couldn’t even make the cut at the hardest course played this season, Torrey Pines. 

Simply put, you cannot win the Masters by just driving it farther than everyone. Yes, Tiger outdrove everyone and awed the crowds with his power. He also didn’t have a three-putt once in 72 holes in 1997. Tiger’s most famous Masters moment in 2005 isn’t a long, towering drive; it’s the most impossible chip we’ve ever seen on live television. Jordan Spieth showed us just last year on Number 12 that one (or two) poor shots into a green can be the difference.

I’m sorry, but are we supposed to believe that a guy who finished 43rd in Greens-In-Regulation, 138th in Driving Accuracy, and 36th in Putting can win one of the most difficult short game course in America? Augusta’s greens will show no mercy and her fairways have more slope than most mountains in Colorado. DJ is an immense talent, and in my opinion a top 3 golfer. But unless he can learn to consistently putt and chip he will never find himself shaking hands in Butler Cabin.

[txhatch]

Funny Videos

“Dude, you have to watch this. It’s hilarious.”

I eagerly sent this gchat to Casey this morning after finding a rather funny video on twitter. I patiently waited for him to send back a “lol” or an “lmao”. If we’re being honest, half of a relationship with your best friend is proving you can find funny internet content before they can. Instead, I got back this message:

“Can’t open right now. What is it?”

I drew a blank. I could not for the life of me accurately describe what I had just sent. It was a video. It was a funny video. It was a spoof/mashup of a kid’s cartoon and a popular song. It technically qualified as a meme. But none of those things described what it actually was. See there is no name for short videos that use a different song than the original audio for a humorous effect. If you don’t understand what I am talking about (or just want to watch my favorite versions of it) please go search the following – it’s okay I’ll wait:

“F.R.I.E.N.D.S Raindrop Droptop”

or

“Stephanie Tanner – Bandz A Make Her Dance”

Hilarious, I know, but I have no idea what to call these. There is no word to succinctly and accurately describe exactly what these video mashups are. I could just say “funny video” but is that enough? That’d be like saying “funny picture” instead of “meme”, or “moving image” instead of “gif”. No, something this unique needs its own word. A spoof could refer to anything, a mashup doesn’t have to be funny, memes typically refer to pictures, and “meme video” just doesn’t make sense. I turned to the internet to see what the kids were calling these videos and no consensus was found. Hilarious videos abound but no label exists.

At this point, you may be wondering the same thing I wondered when I started researching this morning: “Andrew, how often is this popping up in your everyday conversation?” I didn’t realize it, but this was something I have struggled with on a daily basis since October 27, 2016. This was the day Vine died (#ripvine). The plug was not officially pulled until January 2017 but on the twenty-seventh day of the tenth month of the two thousand and sixteenth year of our lord, my life changed. Whether you liked Vine or not, it gave us some incredible moments that are very similar to this new video trend. Even better, it had a short, definable name for its product. With Vine now a thing of the past, these videos have filled our need for comical mashups between rap songs and children’s cartoons.

Can we re-purpose “Vine”? Is there a word that I am blanking on that already exists? A portmanteau or hybrid word we can create?

Please, if you have an idea, I’m all ears because at this point I really need to respond back to my buddy’s question.

[txhatch]

Would You Go One Year without a Smartphone for $100,000?

I am a millennial. I was born in the early 90s where I grew up on Nickelodeon and dial up internet. I graduated high school several years before Instagram and Twitter, back when Myspace was still a thing. At my best, I could text 74 words a minute using T9.

And I’m ready to do it all over again.

Could you go one year without a smartphone for $100,000? This the challenge being thrown down by the good people at Vitaminwater. In addition to providing you with a refreshing electrolyte-filled cure for your hangover, the company is offering a cool six figures to anyone willing to live with a “1996-era cellular telephone” for 2019. The participant will agree to not use or touch a smartphone for 365 consecutive days. The restriction is just for smartphones and tablets, so you won’t have to live totally in the 90s. Laptops and desktop computers are okay to use as are voice-activated devices like google home or amazon echo.

Vitaminwater knows the challenge is difficult so they want to know what you’d do with your time if you are chosen to go “scroll-free for a year” in this contest. Frankly, most of the entries are what you’d expect for people who will be facing a year without technology (or just general New Year’s resolutions we all make annually and then quit by March): read more, exercise more, spend more time with friends/family, cut social media time, etc. All of these are admirable. I respect the commitment to improving one’s self and I hope those not picked will continue to strive for those goals nonetheless.

But let me make my case to you Vitaminwater. Pick me. You say that one out of every two people can’t go without a smartphone for a year, so who better to challenge the notion than a late 20s millennial? I mean nobody thinks our generation can do anything right anyways. According to most, we’re technology dependent, socially inept, and our personalities are mostly defined by the image we project online. Hell, a year ago, I would have told you I could easily go a year without a smartphone, but things change. I upgraded to an iPhone XR at the end of 2018 and honestly the thought of my Instagram story going blank for a whole year sounds problematic. Who else will post portrait mode pics of animals, rooftop patios with a temperature sticky, or filtered pictures of a Polaroid picture from a wedding the night before? Imagine not being able to post my Spotify Wrapped come December. Or not being able to tweet the ridiculous things you see or hear on the Red Line at 6am. It’s almost too much to bear. But then again…

Imagine proving them wrong. For $100,000 I’m in. I’ll hand over the phone, take a lie detector test, and gladly take the challenge to go scroll-free. What will I do instead? Aside from writing about it for a year and providing some exposure for the contest and your brand, not much honestly. Maybe it’s naiveté or maybe it’s cockiness but I’ll pretty much keep doing the exact same thing. I have about 25 to 30 books I’ve been telling myself I need to read. They’ll either get read or they won’t, but having a phone for the last three years hasn’t had any effect so far. I work out on a consistent schedule already so I don’t think losing social media is going to lead to any #gains. Finally, I use a laptop for work so the only thing changing there is when I tell someone “I didn’t see your email until just now” I’ll finally be telling the truth. I’ll admittedly miss posting to Instagram and scrolling twitter. My biggest concerns are the same ones that killed me last time I went without a phone, namely uber/lyft, airline travel, and reading books or the news.

But imagine the content. “Dating with a flip phone in 2019” is Pulitzer worthy content. “My friends stopped inviting me to brunch because they can’t add me to the group chat” has potential to be the best sob story since Marley and Me. “I have to answer phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize” could be this year’s Get Out. And c’mon, “I had to talk on the phone for 40 minutes with my great-uncle Charlie for his birthday because I can’t post to Facebook” is heartwarming for all ages.

So I’m in. I’ll give up iMessage for T9. I’ll sacrifice Facetime for the ability to actually close my phone when I’m done with a conversation. Choose me for the scroll-free contest. I’d go #NoPhoneForAYear in 2019. Would you?

[txhatch]

In Defense Of The Guy With The Poster Boards In ‘Love Actually’

I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. I feel the need to defend a man who gets a lot of flack. Mark, better known as “the guy with the poster boards,” is a smaller character in a great movie that I am sure you’re more than familiar with at this point.

Love Actually is a Christmas classic. I have watched it hundreds of times and each viewing brings a familiar warmth. I typically agree with many of John’s takes but felt compelled to write this rebuttal after seeing so many comments agree with him. I want to offer a different viewpoint because 1. it is my second favorite Christmas movie, 2. lively and respectful debate should be encouraged, and 3. Mark gets absolutely crushed on the internet for no reason.

Let’s get the biggest thing out of the way first. Yes, Mark made his move in a dick way and it probably wasn’t the best avenue to express one’s feelings. To confess your love to your best friend’s wife in secret isn’t… great. That being said, the heart wants what the heart wants, man. I am firmly of the belief that one should be open and honest about their feelings. Life is too short to waste and if you love someone, you tell them. In the grand scheme of things, this little thing we call life can seem small or lonely. But finding that one person who brings a little more meaning and purpose to it all is one of the few things we have.

Earlier on in the movie, before the infamous poster board scene, we find out that Mark is a good friend and a good best man. I mean, c’mon. He hired Brazilian prostitutes for his boy’s stag night. Who cares that they turned out to be men, the point is he put in the effort to throw his best friend one hell of a sendoff. Once at the wedding, he takes it a step further by secretly planting musicians and a choir to sing and play the new couple out of the church. That is a hell of a move. A true friend, if you ask me.

We move onward and find that Mark runs a successful art gallery. He has been asked by his best friend and now Juliet to provide some wedding footage after Juliet is unsatisfied with the professional she originally hired. After some awkward dialogue, we find out through subtle cues that Mark is in love with Juliet.

Taking a breather from discussing the movie, I just want to ask each one of you to think about the real world. I’d be shocked if any of you hadn’t had something similar happen in your own lives. Crushes form whether you want them to or not. Sometimes you like the wrong person. Sometimes that person is your friend’s ex or current significant other. I’ve had friends try and steal the women I was dating (or had dated) and I’ve unfortunately developed feelings for someone a friend was dating at the time. We’ve all been there. In real life, we should be mature and open with our friends but as John pointed out, this is a movie so some suspension of disbelief is necessary.

Okay, back to the movie. We get a great line I think we can all relate to. Mark looks back at Juliet and says, “It’s a self-preservation thing, you see.” I get it, man, I really do. And to anyone who still thinks the one moment later on in the movie makes Mark a bad guy, what do you think of him putting his own happiness second and his friend first for presumably years, solely out of self-preservation?

Now we get to the moment of truth. This scene has been dissected countless times so I don’t feel the need to do it here, but I will point out the one part everyone gets wrong. Mark does admit his feelings in a rather shitty way. Additionally, using the excuse of “just because it’s Christmas” and “at Christmas you tell the truth” is admittedly ridiculous. However, just because it’s ridiculous doesn’t mean it isn’t still valid. My point here is that his confession was never meant to be some conniving attempt at stealing his best friend’s wife. In fact, he states in his second and third cue cards that with any luck, next year he’ll be dating a beautiful woman. He doesn’t confess out of some immoral or ulterior motive. He confesses because he actually believes that he needs to tell the truth and admit his feelings because it is Christmas. He doesn’t hope to win her over from Peter and he isn’t trying to manipulate anything. He just thinks it is time to be honest. Ridiculous? Absolutely. Is he an asshole or terrible? Not at all.

“But Andrew, what about the kiss they have after?”

Well, after he confesses his feelings, he walks away. He is satisfied with coming clean and has no expectations for anything more. He doesn’t ask Juliet to leave and he never implies that Juliet should be with him instead. Just that he does and always will love her. Juliet is then the one who chases after him and kisses him. Ignoring that Juliet is probably the worst one here, what is the first thing that happens after the kiss? Juliet goes back in the house and Mark doesn’t even attempt to chase or persuade. No begging. No attempt to create separation. Just satisfaction. Our hero – yeah, that’s right, I’m calling him a “hero” – says with a coy smile, “Enough. Enough now.” He’s accepted his fate. The kiss was enough. His confession was enough. It’s done and he can move on. If you ask me, Mark handles the whole thing very maturely. Given the same scenario, about 45 percent of men today would have left the kiss pissed off, gone to the local pub, gotten drunk, and then texted Juliet at 1:42 a.m., “Whatever, you aren’t even that hot anyway.”

So no, Mark isn’t some horrible guy. He’s just a guy in love. As we can see in the closing airport scene, Juliet and Peter are still very happy together, leading me to believe “this little forbidden romance” did end at the doorstep. Mark handles the whole thing rather well and the internet needs to put its pitchforks away. The movie is timeless and when you watch it this year, maybe think about my side for a change. .

[txhatch]

My Days Of Mixing Multiple Kinds Of Alcohol Are Long Gone

“We’re all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children’s game, we just don’t… don’t know when that’s gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we’re all told.”

I was told at 8:42 a.m. CST on October 5, 2018. My time has come. To be clear here, I was told I wasn’t going to be an athlete waaaay before this morning. I’m 5’8 and about 150 pounds dripping wet. Outside of playing golf and baseball through high school, being a professional athlete was just never in the DNA. No, I was told this morning that I can no longer handle multiple types of alcohol when I go out. I am officially a one beverage drinker. Gone are the days of pre-gaming at the apartment before drinking wine at dinner and vodka soda at the bar. Gone are the nights of starting with a classy martini at a rooftop before switching to miller lite at the 2 a.m. basement dive bar. My body can no longer do it. I knew this day was coming, I just didn’t expect it this soon.

It’s always been a point of pride for me that I don’t throw up from drinking. Some people I know have to throw up. They know it’s coming no matter what and they swear that they are fine with it because they feel better afterwards. Others see it as a necessary evil, something that might happen on a night of too many. Not me. I loathe everything about throwing up. I don’t feel better afterwards and I never try to induce the process at the end of the night to avoid a bad morning. In my life I have only vomited seven times due to alcohol. Once was freshman year of college after my very first party – understandable. Two more were still in college, both coming after big football wins. The fourth time was in law school (shout out to law prom). All four were my punishment for consuming more alcohol than I probably should have. The remaining three instances all have come within the last two weeks. On all of these nights the drink count was 5 or less, so overindulgence was not the problem. At first I just assumed it was a bad meal. After the second time, I told myself that scotch and pinot noir probably just aren’t a good mix. As I knelt by my toilet this morning, I had to face the harsh reality. Whether it’s three drinks or thirteen, if I mix my alcohol I am going to hurl.

To be honest, I look forward to this new chapter in life. They say when you retire the first thing you notice is you don’t wake up in pain anymore. I hope that’s true. The other thing they say you have to deal with in retirement is the boredom. I’m sure there will be nights I’ll think to myself I can still play the game I love, but I’ll know the next morning that retirement was the right call. Besides, being boring can be a good thing. The simplicity of picking a drink and sticking to it will make it much easier when I do go out, and enjoying a good wine or a nice bourbon will feel infinitely better than switching between well drinks and IPAs at the bar. All in all, I know that what’s best for my future.

So yes, I am hanging and with that I am officially hanging it up. This is my goodbye to the multi-alcohol nights. But don’t worry too much. I’ll still keep in touch with the players. I love this game too just walk away. Who knows? Maybe I can use my experience to get a sweet commentary or sideline reporting gig.

[txhatch]

Monica vs Brandy: The Boy is Whose?

1998 was an absolutely incredible year for music. The Eagles and Fleetwood Mac were inducted into the Hall of Fame along with Santana and The Mamas & the Papas. In England, Elton John was knighted and George Michael was arrested. In America, TRL hits the airwaves for the first time and Pop was about to take over the world with new artists N*SYNC, Hanson, Destiny’s Child and Britney Spears releasing their debut albums. The very first NOW album is released. Even comebacks were in with Cher, Madonna, and Aerosmith all charting. Meanwhile, in Hip-Hop and R&B, Lauryn Hill breaks out on her own for the first time to the tune of an 8x Platinum album while Jay-Z drops Vol. 2…Hard Knock Life, his most successful album to date. One song in R&B however, is the crown jewel of 1998: The Boy is Mine by Brandy & Monica.

 The Boy is Mine spent 13 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100 and was by far the best-selling song of the year. It is an absolute heater inspired by Jerry Springer and featuring a duet of young stars fighting over Mekhi Phifer (try and be more 90s). If you haven’t heard the song or seen the music video then one, shame on you, and two please educate yourself below. Otherwise enjoy revisiting this glorious song:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va1Y6uAgNJY

 Since the minute it was released sides were taken. You were team Brandy or team Monica. While both artists claimed no real rivalry existed, tabloids ran with the feud and alleged reports. Since then, both have gone on to successful careers and have squashed their beef if there ever was one. The two collaborated again on a song in 2012 and both have released statements in recent years sharing their support for the other.

 But as for the song itself, the question has to be asked. Who has the rightful claim to Boy? Let’s go to the tape.

 After a chorus introduction where both make the claim over Boy in unison, the first artist to state her case is Brandy. “There is no way you could mistake him for your man – are you insane?” Coming out hot. Monica isn’t fazed though. “But you’re blind if you can’t see that his love is all in me.” Brandy swings back, “He said without me he couldn’t make it through the day…” At this point, Brandy appears to be in the lead. Monica is on the defensive but in the next stanza we get our first clue. Monica sends one across the bow, “Cause I can’t see how he could / Wanna change something that’s so good / Because my love is all it took.” Right here I think we get our first clue that the boy originally belonged to Monica. Having never been in this situation I can only assume based on context. Monica is speaking in the past tense. She isn’t telling Brandy he loves me now. She is saying I was first. How could he want to change something? My love is all it took. This infers that the change was to Brandy and Monica is stunned that something has happened to her Boy. Before the second chorus break and with no further context, I give the slight edge to Monica. The Boy was and still is hers, even if Brandy may have swooped in.

 After Round 1: Monica

 Some might be tempted to call Monica the winner outright. It was her Boy first, Brandy has no claim. But I ask you, is it really Brandy’s fault if the Boy has moved on from Monica and now wants her? Sure there’s a morally gray area here but as The Notebook has taught us, it still ain’t over.

 Monica goes first this time in round 2. “You need to know it’s me not you.” Brandy goes for the emotional response now, “[t]ry to understand why/ He is a part of my life.” I like this part here because it genuinely seems like Brandy is not trying to actually steal the Boy away from Monica, but just explaining why the Boy is hers now. Monica isn’t convinced however, “You can say what you wanna say / What we have you can’t take / From the truth you can’t escape / I can tell the real from the fake.” Again, I think here we are told the Boy originally belonged to Monica. Monica knows he may have gotten lost along the way. He might have found Brandy but that doesn’t take him away from Monica. She can tell what her and the Boy have is real, while Brandy and the Boy’s love is clearly fake. Finally, Brandy drops the hammer, “When will you get the picture / You’re the past I’m the future / Get away it’s my time to shine / And if you didn’t know the boy is mine.” Boom. That’s a haymaker if I ever saw one and I can now see the argument for Brandy. Relationships get stale and people move on. Hopefully they break up amicably before doing so, but this really isn’t the case. Even if it is in poor taste, Brandy has a rightful claim to Boy before the last chorus break.

 After Round 2: Brandy

 The Bridge settles the debate for us. As we see in the music video, Monica lays down the law stating “You can’t destroy this love I found / Your silly games I won’t allow.” After telling Brandy to throw in the towel, Brandy can only get defensive. She responds “What makes you think that he wants you / When I’m the one that brought him to / That special place in my heart.” While a valid question, she has undone her strong statement of ownership from the previous verse. Brandy has gone back to admitting that the Boy is still Monica’s and is just fighting to take the Boy from her. It seemed Brandy had all the momentum but a strong opening by Monica flipped the script and brought it home. After the bridge, we get 2 more chorus breaks but this one is over. Monica clearly has the rightful claim and Brandy will have to be satisfied with the title of mistress. The music video ends with both girls breaking up with our Boy, Mekhi Phifer, but this does not change the facts. Throughout the song, the one with the rightful claim to say “The Boy is Mine” is Monica.

 Final Verdict: Monica

[txhatch]

We Were All Lied to by A Cinema Classic

It’s not Forrest’s kid. Let’s get that out of the way now.

Some movies are channel stoppers. Even in today’s world of streaming occasionally you flip through channels (or most likely check the guide) and see something you’ve already seen a million times yet know you’re going to watch. Top Gun, A League of Their Own, Legally Blonde, Shawshank Redemption, or Oceans 11 are all great examples. Another is the cinema classic Forrest Gump. As I sat on my couch last night I stopped to watch a bit of Forrest Gump. I’ve seen this movie probably 30 times but after one scene I had a revelation. No way in hell is little Forrest the legitimate child of Forrest Gump.

Now the timeline of the movie itself is questionable at best due to bloopers but for our purposes I’m going to focus on the period from 1975 until the death of Jenny in 1982.

Side note, if you’re mad because #spoileralert on any of the things I am about to expand upon, then 3 things: 1) Shut up. 2) The movie has been out for like 20 years. The statute of limitations is one year, everyone knows that. 3) How have you never seen Forrest Gump yet? Stop reading this and go watch it.

Forrest’s mom dies of cancer some time in 1975. Forrest decides to leave the life he has built for himself post-war and quits the shrimping business. Luckily, Lieutenant Dan is a shrewd investor and makes a wise investment with Forrest’s money. On September 23, 1975, Forrest receives a letter from Apple thanking him for becoming an investor (let’s ignore that Apple was not founded until April 1, 1976). Based on the date of the letter and the founding of Apple, we know that sometime around late 1975 to early 1976 Jenny reappears in Forrest’s life. Jenny sleeps most of the day and Forrest nurses her back to health. They take walks and are “two peas in a pod” once again. Thanks to a nice shot of fireworks and the statue of liberty we know that it is July 4th, 1976. A beautiful quote about love is shared and Jenny and Forrest sleep together.

The next day, July 5th, 1976, Jenny leaves early. The cabbie asks “where are you running off too?” to which Jenny so coyly replies “I’m not running.” Cut scene and what is Forrest doing? “That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run.” Gotta hand it to Robert Zemeckis and Eric Roth, they know how to make a film.

So Forrest is running. The first thing we hear is a TV in the shop announcing President Carter’s heat exhaustion (which happened in 1979). This is where things get interesting. If Forrest began running the day Carter suffered from heat exhaustion then he started running on October 1, 1979. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t think Forrest sat on his porch and pined for 3 years. Furthermore, Forrest says he ran for “3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours.” If that was the case he would have stopped running on December 15, 1982, or approximately 9 months after Jenny died. So, we can safely assume that Forrest did not start running in 1979 and this Carter announcement was a simple mistake.

The other logical date to say Forrest started running was on July 5, 1976. This makes more sense because Jenny has just left and he is upset, as well as it fits the cute dialogue between the cabbie and Jenny. Going on the dialogue by Forrest of him running for “3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours” this means he stopped running on September 29, 1979. Forrest gets home and the next thing we see is Forrest getting the letter from Jenny to come see her. On the tv during this scene we hear President Reagan’s assassination attempt which happened on March 30, 1981. This seems to line up. Forrest would have gotten home after running, Jenny was cleaning herself up, and sometime in early 1981 Forrest would receive the letter.

This puts “present day” in the movie April or May of 1981. The woman at the beginning of the film movie is reading a People Magazine with Nancy Reagan on the cover. This magazine was released November 17, 1980. Now, I don’t know who is reading a magazine 5 months after it was published, but I am willing to believe we are somewhere in the early Summer of 1981.

If the child was actually Forrest Gump’s son he would be just turning 4. Date of conception was July 4, 1976 and 40 weeks later would put the date of birth at April 10, 1977. Ironically, Haley Joel Osment’s birthday is April 10th. Give or take some days, we can guess that little Forrest has just had his 4th birthday when he is introduced to his namesake. We are told that Forrest Jr. is one of the smartest kids in his class.

Ummmm, what class?

I ask you, what kid who JUST turned 4 is already done with a year of school? Are we calling pre-k “school” now? There’s no way a kid is in kindergarten for a full year at age 3. Even still, Georgia didn’t even have a Pre-K program until 1992 and Kindergartens at public schools will not accept children who don’t turn 5 during the first few months of the school year, so there’s no way they are taking a 3 year old. But what about private programs? You gonna tell me Jenny, a former addict and now waitress, has money for a private preschool program for her little kid? Later on in the movie we see little Forrest reading the Curious George book. He’s struggling a bit but he is reading on his own. This book is intended for children aged 7 and 8 not a kid that we are led to believe would be around 5.

Eventually, Jenny tells Forrest about her sickness (which given the time frame and Jenny’s history was either AIDS or Hepatitis C). Forrest, being the All-American Male he is invites her to live with him. Jenny agrees but she goes one step further. She asks “Would you marry me Forrest?” Hmmmm. I wonder why a woman who knows she’s about to die would ask someone whom she previously turned down a proposal from to marry her. After Jenny dies in early 1982, guess who just became little Forrest’s legal guardian because of marriage? Oh yeah, our main man. What a play by Jenny. It’s a world class hustle you have to respect honestly. Additionally, it works out for the best. Jenny and Forrest do love each other and the kid deserves a good life after his mom passes.

My best guess is that Jenny got pregnant in 1975 from one of her many lovers. After discovering she is pregnant she goes to the doctor and finds out she is sick. The sudden shock of being pregnant and now (possibly terminally) ill, she knows she has to get clean and do something for her kid because no way in hell was her kid going to end up like her. So she has the child, sleeps with Forrest, waits an appropriate amount of time, and then reaches out for help. Knowing that Forrest won’t question the legitimacy of a child and relying on his heart of gold, she plays it perfectly. She can die peacefully knowing her son will be taken care of.

All in all it’s a beautiful story and an obvious classic piece of American culture. But let’s not kid ourselves. There is simply no way that Forrest is the father.

[txhatch]

Stop Telling Women “I’m just not looking to date anyone right now.”

The year is 2018. The men are still being boys. For some inexplicable reason there is no such thing as dating. There’s just a jump from hook up to full-fledged relationship. It usually comes because one person asks “so what are we?” Now personally I blame dating apps for ruining dating but that’s a different article. This particular article is here to tell you that if you’re still answering the “what are we” question with “I’m just not looking to date anyone right now” then you need to stop.

 What you’re actually saying is “I want to keep hooking up but I don’t want to commit to you.” You know it and honestly so does she (or he). You’re not doing her a favor by lying and I can promise you that she is still upset. See there’s only two implications that she can take away from this awful line: I’m not good enough; or he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. Neither of those options are something you want the girl you’re sleeping with to be thinking. Even worse, when you inevitably go on a date with another woman she’s going to assume “oh cool so it’s just me you didn’t want to date.” Again, not ideal.

 Now I’m not saying you have to start dating every woman you sleep with. I’m saying it’s time we all just start being honest. You’re essentially telling her you want to be a hook up buddy but you think it’d be rude to tell her that. Side note, guys are funny because we think it’s rude to tell a girl we only want sex but we have no issue lying to a girl for only sex. Men, right? But no it’s not rude. I’d argue it’s ruder to leave a woman on the hook wondering if you’re ever going to leave the hook up buddy stage to the relationship stage. So tell her exactly what you want. “I want to be able to text you at 2 am.” “I’d like to continue seeing you naked.” If she isn’t okay with it at least you were honest. Women are people too and they deserve the truth.

 Additionally, why do we assume that women aren’t capable of handling the truth? They have urges like the rest of us. They have busy lives that may not be conducive to a traditional relationship. They may not like everything about you but enjoy a late night booty call. Did you ever stop to think that maybe she doesn’t want to date you either?

 “But Andrew, what if I really am just not looking to date anyone?”

 If you are genuinely not looking to date anyone right now then maybe you shouldn’t be on dating apps or going out with women. Why would you subject yourself to the dating process if you have no interest in dating? My friend Nicole had a great tweet the other day saying, “If you’re too embarrassed to say you met on bumble, maybe Don’t. Be. On. Bumble.” I wholeheartedly agree and I think the same logic applies here. If you aren’t looking to date then don’t put yourself into a situation that could be interpreted as dating.

 If you want to hook up then hook up. If you want to actually date then be upfront about that too. Put it in your bumble bio or have it as one of your pics/questions on hinge. Personally, I don’t do dating apps but when I meet women at a bar or a networking event, I am honest. I know what I’m looking for in a relationship and if they seem compatible I tell them I am interested in dating them. If they aren’t compatible I have no problem telling them I’d enjoy remaining friendly and can be reached by phone or text after a 4th glass of pinot, but that is where it will end. You may find this crass but it’s worked well so far and not once has a woman told me I am a dick or an asshole. Well, at least not for that reason.

 So please, I beg you. Please stop saying “I’m just not looking to date anyone right now.” It’s played out and has no place in 2018. This is the year we all start being honest.

[txhatch]

My Phone Is At A Bar On Sixth Street And I’m Phoneless In Chicago

I’ve never been a big phone guy. For phones, and technology in general, I am not quite in the laggard stage of adoption, but would certainly be in the late majority. I have, or had as it were, an iPhone 6s. Recent enough that I fit in, but not on the cutting edge of technology. As late as 2013 I was still rocking a blackberry. I was proud to be that guy. I loved that I didn’t need my phone to survive and I proudly scoffed at people whose lives were meaningless without a constant stream of apps and information.

 On Saturday my world was changed.

 I attended college in Austin, TX. It is a lovely city and a wonderful place to be 21. After a few years of debauchery on Sixth Street, I said goodbye to the city in 2012. This past Presidents’ Day Weekend, I went back for a wedding. It was good to see old friends and celebrate love. After the reception ended a group of us, drunk on wine and nostalgia, decided it would be a good idea to relive the glory days and head to Dirty Sixth (cue Ron Howard saying, “It was not a good idea.”). Several rounds and several bars later, we found ourselves at Peckerheads at 1:45am. It was at this moment I decided I needed to snapchat my friends. I checked my pockets for my phone. No luck. Checked my jacket nearby. Empty. Now Peckerheads at last call is not exactly the easiest place to get around, but I did my best to check each bar they have and look around where we were all dancing. Still nothing. I chalked it up as another casualty of Sixth Street, borrowed a buddy’s phone to put my phone in lost mode, and went back to the hotel.

 Sunday morning arrived, I check the cloud and sure enough the phone is still at Peckerheads. A few minor problems. One, Peckerheads was now closed and would not open until Tuesday. Two, check out of the hotel was at noon. Three, we were headed back to Dallas where I would spend a day seeing family, and would then catch a flight to Chicago, where I now live. The old me, the one who still thought phones weren’t that important, shrugged and said he would figure it out later.  Sunday I got by using facebook messenger, gchat, and twitter to communicate my situation and let people know how to contact me if they needed. The problems began on Monday.

 Problem Number 1: I had agreed to meet my brother and his wife for lunch near the DFW airport. After agreeing on a location and time, I time travelled back to 1997. I had to pre-book a cab (no uber). Hope it showed up on time (can’t call and confirm). Give them an address and pray we are going to the right place (can’t check google maps along the way). Walk into a restaurant blindly hoping my group is still going to make it (can’t text to let them know I’m there). And finally, sit there quietly and wait (no phone to waste time). It. Was. Miserable. I had never been more stressed in my life. Luckily, things worked out. My brother and sister-in-law made it and after some quality family time they dropped me off at the airport.

 Problem Number 2: I had to survive the airport, flight, and journey home with no phone. Luckily, airport kiosks still print boarding passes. I had not used a paper boarding pass in probably 3 years but I managed. After getting through security, I had to find a way to kill 4 hours. I was in no mood to drink after a long weekend so that was out. I bought a book and sat down at my gate praying there would be no change (how would I know without updates from the AA app). I enjoy reading and people watching, but to do so for four hours in the airport, then another two on the plane was not ideal. I landed in Chicago and caught the train into the city. By that point I was going on seven hours of reading and people watching, I had finished my book, and was now just a creepy guy on the L without anything to look at. Finally, I make it to my apartment and can get on my laptop to send a message to family and friends to let them know I am alive.

 Problem Number 3: Everyday life without a phone is miserable. I’m not saying you should be on your phone at all times, but seriously how do people go without? Want to text your friends to get dinner? Can’t. Want to check Instagram or Snapchat on the train ride to work? Can’t. Want to have something to look at while you’re going to the bathroom? Can’t. I went to a coffee shop this morning and bought 2 newspapers just so I could have something to read throughout the day. I have never felt more disconnected or more helpless.

 Problem Number 4: I am stuck in limbo with getting a new phone. I sent Peckerheads a Tweet and Facebook message but have not heard back. Do I wait and see if they respond? Even if they do respond, am I even sure if they will FedEx it back to me? Do I drop money on a new one and just chalk it up as a lost cause? Or do I break out the old 2012 blackberry just so I can rejoin the 21st century? I am open to answers if you have them, but honestly it all just seems hopeless at this point.

 It has only been 2 days and already I am broken. I thought I could survive without a phone. I thought I was one of those people who didn’t need one. I’ve never been so wrong and I will never be the same.