they call us venom

the british guy with a thing for aliens. living in bayview. not the real tom.

[txmhxrdy]

heyitsmisha​:

Wow. Okay, actually, you have a point. 99% of the shit that comes out of my mouth is either weird or crass - at least when I’m talking to you. Everyone else gets to see my good side. I don’t think you told me - how old are your kids? That might change my mind on whether or not you’re a terrible father. We’ll see, man, I think I could handle a cat if I was in a big enough place to where I didn’t have to like, have a litter box in a tiny ass apartment. Uh, ha, yeah! It was… not exactly the way I had expected it to go, but I popped the question. You only live once, right? Don’t worry, you haven’t been sleeping for two years - it was just yesterday. Damn, man, are you going to congratulate me or are we going to keep playing 20 Questions?

i always have a point, misha. i’m a very smart old man. though a good side of you? i don’t know man. that sounds like a myth. i have three kids, 13, 6 and 3 so you know, i got my hands full when they’re here. they’ve been with their mothers this summer though. there you go, it means you have to move to a mansion to have a cat. are you ready to move to a mansion? i don’t think so. oh god you really did it didn’t you? well man, congratulations, this is huge and also i mean, a very happy thing, yeah? unless he blackmailed you into it. i’m kidding, i’m kidding. so are you doing a big wedding?

[txmhxrdy]

heyitsmisha​:

You know, it was me that once said I wanted to live in a world where being “normal” was an insult. It was probably the wisest thing I ever said. Everything else that comes out of my mouth, for the most part, is stupid shit. Tom… I’m canceling you. I can’t believe you just really ranked dogs over your kids. Nah, I’m just teasing, I know you were kidding. Besides, there are some days I liked Hazel better than my kids. We can be worst fathers of the year together. Cats aren’t evil, they’re just… not dogs. They’re self-sufficient. My problem with them is they throw up all over your stuff and you have to deal with litter boxes. Gross. Listen, Tom, I’m certain you don’t want to know. You just don’t. I just need a few days to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing at all… nothing. Well, our plans might have to wait, because your boy is engaged now, so I’ve got a wedding to get planned. You’re not invited though, sorry.

oh wow, so you do say some smart things now and then huh? not everything is weird that comes out of your mouth, i’m joking. both about that and my children coming second to my dogs... though it’s something they usually laugh about. plus, the dogs protect me way better than the kids, they expect me to protect them like i am some kind of body guard. no. litter boxes yeah, gross, sand everywhere. sure they are a bit more clean than dogs are i’ve heard but... nah, pass on that for me. hold on wait a fucking hot minute here, did you get engaged? how? when? why? okay maybe not why but how? for how long did i sleep?

[txmhxrdy]

residentgoober​:

Those are some wise words, Tom. I’ll vote for you to be team captain next time so you can pep talk us into an even bigger win. Pony rides, of course. And if you saw one of them that had a unicorn horn, well… I plead the fifth. The horseback riding was fun, too. I know Stef’s been missing having horses around. But now that we’re home, I feel like I could sleep for a week!

i always bring the wise words to the table, darren. those saying something else about me are lying. oh god darren was that you? you are not supposed to dress up the ponies you know, crazy man. yeah horses are nice. i missed my dogs though so yeah, happy to be home even though they need to walk everywhere now when i’m finally back. so no rest.

[txmhxrdy]

chrispwhitelaw​:

You left that wide open for me, Tom, I had to do it. Anything to make you feel humble, right? Of course I’m complicated, that’s what makes me so worth it, I’m a mystery.

i never leave anything wide open for you christopher, because i never know what might end up there. you do feel a bit like a mystery but i am not sure if it makes you worth it... like, only as much as it’s worth it to get a fly in your eye when you’re outdoors.

[txmhxrdy]

heyitsmisha​:.

There you go. Embrace your weirdness. Honestly, I think there’s nothing better in this world than being weird. Dogs are amazing, I completely agree. But I also have children and a boyfriend, so dogs unfortunately have to come third on the list. I don’t think he’d keep me away from dogs necessarily. I brought up pets to him and he says he wants a cat… I think we’re just going to have to get both in the end. Hell yeah, man! It really was one bad ass trip. I’m happy to be home though - I’m so fucking exhausted. I hope the trip back was alright for you, man. Once we settle back into some form of routine again, I’m coming over there.

can’t imagine not embracing the weirdness. i mean, sure you tried to hide it a bit when you were new in the game, so to say but now? nah, too much energy instead of just letting yourself be.. you. dogs are my favourites. i have kids too, but i mean the dogs... no i’m joking, i’m joking, don’t sign me up for worst father of the year. a cat?! oh no misha, don’t go there man. cats are evil. they will scratch your eyes out, i’m sure of it. aw, the trip was too much for you old man? and you even skipped out on the hike and all, what kind of activities had you so exhausted? need a vacation after the vacation? you did vacation wrong, then. yeah sure man, you’re always welcome. the dogs wake me 6am sharp every morning so we’re out sometime after that.

[txmhxrdy]

bskarsgard​:

So it’s true? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone your secret, Tom. I guess they figured you could spare one since you’ve already got the kids. I know what you mean, and it was nice not having to pick and choose what to do and getting around to everything we wanted. Though there’s definitely that I need another vacation to recover from my vacation feeling, still. And yes! We’ll be heroes playing heroes, it all fits rather well, I’d say.

i won’t say anything, you just have to guess. yeah, this baby factory is closed off for all time. mostly because i’m getting too old to even think of raising any more tiny humans. my back cannot take it. ah, that old feeling, i knew it, it keeps happening when you travel with kids yeah? thank god i do feel like i got enough to relax and all so i don’t feel too exhausted now when i’m home, which the dogs are happy for since they had no respect for daddy maybe wanting to stay in. we had to take long walks. i don’t complain though, i missed them. see, we know what’s up bill. we’re gonna be the best there. the rest of the guys might hate us but, eh.

[txmhxrdy]

butlergerry​:

Which is fairly messed up, don’t you think? Not just the video game aspect, but the fact that someone out there seems to think a good time is torturing us like that. You’re very welcome, now make it your goal to go through your whole life without drowning anyone and we’ll be in good shape! Eh, at least if you’ve forgotten toothpaste, you can always get some new stuff back home, right?

right? we might have to make it our quest to make sure to stop them from torturing us like this. like, do they get off on seeing us lose our shit in traffic? it must be some weirdo for sure. you know, it’s a pretty good goal. we should all just aim to not drown anyone... or well, in general keep everyone around us alive is probably a good idea. right, that’s what i thought, it would have been worse if it was... eh, honestly i don’t know what it could have been that i couldn’t get again. passport and wallet and stuff would be annoying to forget though.

[txmhxrdy]

xogemma​:

I didn’t, but it looked like fun! Maybe if we get the chance to next time, I will. The hike, I was there. And it was seriously so beautiful. I loved capturing all the views and everything. Did you enjoy the rest of it? I don’t want to go home just yet, but I also do miss my bed at home.

ah gem, you missed out. it was a lot of fun. but yeah the hike was too one of my favourites. and the river and... well, everything really. it’s been a good trip that’s for sure but yeah, no matter how much fun you have? there’s no such place as home.

[txmhxrdy]

lilyiames​:

A good camping involves a bit of both, relaxing and adventures, otherwise you’re not experiencing the whole thing properly. I wasn’t that risky this time, mostly stayed on the safe zone but couldn’t say no to the river. The bed is good, you’re right, but nothing like your own — and I still think I’d get used to a life like this. Yeah, probably not your brightest idea, Tom. We need a balance, as you said, so it’s better to have your place somewhere, and something a bit different for a small escape.

for sure, and who wants to be absolutely exhausted when they get back home? well, not me for sure. i want to at least have some rest so that i don’t sleep for days once i get home. a man has to get going again. it was fun to see everyone try anyway. thanks for being honest about my ideas, lily. but yeah who knows, maybe bayview will start up their own glamping venture now when they see everyone loves it.

[txmhxrdy]

butlergerry​:

You’re damn right about that – when you’re in a hurry, it’s wall to wall traffic. When you have all the time in the world, it’s free sailing all the way through, every time. I’m very proud of you, both for not drowning anyone and also impressing everyone, too, you did a great job. What do you think, are you going to get home tomorrow and realize you forgot half of your things, or are you pretty much ready tonight?

god yeah. that’s when i truly think this must be some kind of.. big video game or something where someone is playing us all because it just, it can’t be coincidence that it makes us stress like this. aw thank you gerry, happy that you think so. i do aim to please and never drown anyone whenever i try and impress someone. or, well in that case, a group of people. i think i have packed everything yeah, at least the most important things. might forget the toothpaste but if i do, i’ll live.

[txmhxrdy]

heyitsmisha​:

That’s good. A lot of people just lean into it, maybe not even realizing it, so making a conscious effort to avoid it is good on you, man. Okay, I think your opinion is valid - but dogs are like, in the top 3 best things for me. They don’t quite make the top of the list at the moment. I don’t know, Z might start to get a little jealous if I start spending 90% of my time with dogs instead of him. Listen, man, you killed it out there and I was definitely feeling a little envious of your skills. Let some of your badassery rub off on me, since it seems I’ve lost some of that. So, when we’re back in Bayview, we are getting together for a dog walking escapade, right?

yeah and i can understand that they do, fear of being different but like... i think i’m weird enough already so be away from that and all? i might as well do it. well they don’t? boo. they should be at the very top. dogs are amazing, misha. if he keeps you away from dogs he’s not a keeper. you should convince him to get a dog or something. nothing brings a couple closer than trying to raise a rowdy puppy, right? thanks, i told you?! i knew i would impress you all. it was so much fun. this old man still got some skills at least. sure man, as soon as we’re back, you know you’re invited to all the morning walks.

[txmhxrdy]

butlergerry​:

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than waiting in an extremely long line for something, especially if it’s when you’re in a hurry, which seems to be what always happens in those situations, honestly. It was quite fun! Although I will admit that I went with the more easygoing ride down the river, and I don’t regret that one, so I’m not sure I got to see your full fury. Did you drown anyone?

god yes, the universe is really testing us. i mean have you ever been stuck in really bad traffic when you have all the time in the world and nowhere to be? nope, it only happens when you really have to be somewhere. i didn’t drown anyone no, but i am pretty sure this old man impressed at least a few people! can’t keep me from the adventure. now just to try and pack and not forget everything i own in this tent...

[txmhxrdy]

inbarlcvi​:

Listen, I promise that I’ll keep saying you’re my guy even though my ears start bleeding because of your beautiful singing. I would hate to break your heart. Are you sure you want me to invite the whole town for this though? Aw. Is your roommate singing lullabies to you at least? Or do they wanna kill you cause you start snoring at 8 every night? I’ve done the activities, I did paintball and hot air ballooning. And I have yet to rappel with Hemsworth but that’s my plan for tomorrow.

that really warms my heart inbar, now what did i do to deserve such sweetness and devotion? i mean, i feel like no matter if the whole town is there or not.. they will all see it anyway. someone will insta live it. my roomie has been trying to get me to go out late. which, sadly, this old man can’t handle... most nights. oh wow, you have been busy. was going to see if i could take you out for dinner but seems like i might be too late, hm?

[txmhxrdy]

sudeikiis​:

Bless your kind heart. Thank you. Those issues can stay in Bayview until we return, yeah? I want to be able to sleep peacefully while we’re here! Ooh, paintball sounds like fun. I hope you were able to do that. We’ve been doing a whole lot of adventures since we’ve arrived! Trying to keep the kids busy. 

of course it can, this is all about vacation, jason. i wouldn’t want you to not be rested. yes, did paintball and tried most the other things too. what have been the kids favourites then? anything you will have to try and keep doing when you get home?

[txmhxrdy]

bskarsgard​:

Are you trying to tell me you only have one testicle, or did they force you to give something else up? I mean, I’d like to have more kids one day and having both just seems better. I’m with you on that, it’s nice staying a little longer and knowing we didn’t have to make the long flight home so soon. We mostly just wandered the land around the cabin, nothing too strenuous. Bring it! We can always pretend we’re practicing for filming later if we want to get points on set. 

nah, that’s not something you go around telling people bill, even if it’s true. oh yeah could be more safe. i mean i think i’ve had enough so for me it probably would be okay. not that i’m in the market for giving up my testicles. god yeah, and i would have been so stressed not having time for everything. now i feel i have seen everything, tried everything and it’s all good. that’s like, the most important thing. hey, that’s a good plan. we’ll come on set super prepared, they might even get us a bonus if we’re lucky.

[txmhxrdy]

butlergerry​:

That’s definitely one way to look at it, you’d probably get in to any place you wanted to visit right away, and not have to wait in any lines.. Hard to be mad at something like that. Right, just don’t look down to realize that you’re walking on a rickety bridge and things get a little more interesting, fun, and less scary. I was going to say, you’d be saying the same about a hike! But we’ll see how you handle the river tomorrow.

right? like, who doesn’t hate waiting for things? or be in a crowded place? this is my way to solve this. is it a bit dramatic? well yes, but it will be worth it just to get my coffee the time i want it. the river, man, i am excited about that. for real, you will all see an actual beast during that adventure. none of you will even recognize me. i hope i don’t scare you all too much when i unleash my fury.

[txmhxrdy]

heyitsmisha​:

Honestly, thank god we’re not, because toxic masculinity is the most annoying shit in the world. And that’s coming from a man. Dogs are good. I love dogs. I think if my sole interest was dogs, I would be okay with that. We should be workout buddies, Tom. I’m a pretty good cheerleader if I do say so myself. Ugh, Tom, you’re killing me, man. Look, I’m well aware of the googly eyes and how gross it probably looks to other people. But I also… don’t care. But I know you’re joking, so you get a pass. Oh, it’s a challenge alright. It sounds exhilarating. I’m not scared, I’m ready to see river monster Tom in all his glory.

yeah, hard pass on that. trying my best to stay away from that whenever i can and not get sucked into it. dogs are the best thing in this world so you can’t blame me for wanting to focus all on that. you know you are always welcome to let my dogs be your sole interest. we’ll take them for walks and be just good workout buddies. nah, i’m happy for you mate. just keep it away from the rest of us. kidding! river monster tom is something not many people get to see so you should all be very honored. i promise to not scare you too much though, i do still want to keep our friendship.