I donât really use this site anymore because my accounts gotten flagged for stupid bullshit multiple times since tumblr went though on their obnoxious changes, but Iâll still use it to vent every now and then which is what Iâm going to do tonight.
My life has been consistently kicking my ass lately. After getting laid off from a couple shit jobs in 2017 I just havenât felt like Iâve been able to get a grip on my career. Itâs the one thing that as a 19 year old kid, I thought for sure Iâd be way farther ahead career wise than I am now and Iâm just simply not there. I turn 26 this year. Itâs fucking terrifying.
I make ok money. Itâs not poor, but itâs by no means getting me where I need to be either. I joined the company for a friend who sold me Gabbys ring (I work in jewelry). Knowing the person he was at the time I knew he had a great rep, knew his shit, and was always great to me since my grandmother had worked with him for ten years and I knew him pretty well. I left my job where I was working a terrible fucking shift and getting over the top micro managed and took a leap of faith. I was promised a million things. The tools to succeed, get trained for management, seeing no problem how I couldnât make X amount of money that year blah blah blah. It was all a bunch of bullshit.
First couple months in, I was killing it. By myself. By the time December ended I had racked in over 60 grand in sales just that month alone. This is someone who had only been in the business since late September and the only clientele I had were my friends. January rolls around and my boss started going through a mental breakdown. His other business he owned was tanking for various reasons, his relationship was going to shit because his now ex was a junkie and was hiding shit from him every way possible. Heâd leave the store constantly, and when he was there, he was only there physically. His head was never in our business. There were days I had told him myself âGo home, we got thisâ. I had done everything I could to help him and my store get on track for that year because I promised myself weâd make it a million dollar store. From me going out in the cold weather to hang fliers for events, driving around dropping donuts off to different businesses to promote my store(if you havenât gotten the general idea by now, my company doesnât advertise except on Facebook which is another story), letting him borrow my BMW for a week while he looked for a new car because his Benz broke, literally driving all over Gods green earth to drop off repairs for clients who had a hard time getting out to the store in the first place, you name it I probably did it. We had an event in December which was meant to show we could bring people in. If I didnât get all my friends and family to show up (they all did and a lot bought) it would have flunked so bad in front of my owner and GM that I probably would have been fired. I kept that store going until I literally couldnât take it anymore. Between my boss not wanting to even try and me doing all the work, I told another manager that if I wasnât moved or something didnât change Iâd start looking for a new job. I got moved to a new store and was told Iâd do much better and Iâd start getting trained for management. Yeah, I got maybe three training sessions. Thankfully my boss has a huge clientele and has taught me a shit ton. But as we stand right now a year later, I have never felt more shitty about myself than I do now
(Btw sorry for the huge spaces for the paragraphs tumblrs app fucking sucks). Anyways, I made my company a decent chunk of change last year and have been in the top ten sellers since December of 2017 except maybe two months. This business is brutal and although Iâve had a ton of friends buy from me and support me, my boss will always get 90% of the clients who walk through my doors. Sheâs been doing this for 25 years and all her clients worship the ground she walks on. The rest of us try to keep up but we all know itâs not realistic. And tbh after me being the most reliable person there, never missing a day of work, always coming in when called in and doing everything I can to show Iâm worth something, I donât feel like Iâve proved shit to anyone. November and December I had a couple decent fuck ups that still linger over me and I feel like since then, I havenât gotten any real support. One was entirely my fault and I owned up to it immediately, the other one wasnât and I felt like I was the one who got embarrassed by my entire management because no one stuck up for me. My old store? Has now been through three managers since Iâve been there. Want to know how many times I was offered that position?
Iâm turning 26 this year. I get married in less than four months and Iâm fucking terrified because I still have shit to pay for and now on top of that, I need a new car. No really like I donât have a choice. This isnât a classic oh Nate Ryan needs another car because heâs bored of it. No, the car I own has a massive title issue and the dealer needs to buy it back. And the fact I canât go out and buy what I want frustrates me so fucking much I canât even tell you. One of my buddies told me what he made last year and I couldnât stop laughing (not because he doesnât deserve it because hes been dealt a shit hand for years and finally caught a break because heâs good at what he does, Iâm extremely proud of the guy), but that I made a decent amount less after busting my ass for a company that I walk on eggshells for and could fire me tomorrow and wouldnât give a single fuck about it. Iâm not saying I deserve 6 figures and everyone to praise me and that others deserve less than me Iâm really not. Itâs just so fucking frustrating that I havenât found âmy thingâ in life yet career wise. Iâve been chasing what Iâve thought weâre always good moves just to come to an end with a sign that says âyou fucking failed, now what?â
Iâm terrified my soon to be wife will get sick of this shit eventually and leave, Iâm scared if I have kids theyâre going to eventually see me as a loser, Iâm scared about not retiring on time and working as long as my grandfather has (73 and wonât retire until next year), and the scariest thing Iâm terrified about?
That Iâll never figure it out. I know eventually I will, but right now it scares the shit out of me. Iâve had so much drive since I was 15 to work hard and make something out of myself because I had a point to prove to prove. Not only to all the scumbags I went to high school with, but importantly to myself because Iâve always wanted to succeed like my father has. Heâs been my biggest role model in life and if I didnât have him I would never have the drive I do.
I was with gab all day and had a great day with her, was with all my friends tonight and halfway through it all hit me like a train with no brakes.
Iâm fucking terrified. And not knowing what to do is about as scary as it gets.
