The sterile smell of the operating room hit me the moment they wheeled me through the swinging doors. This day had been a whirlwind - pain, tests, scans, consultations, and anxious waiting for results, all leading up to an emergency appendectomy. But this? This felt different. This felt real.
There were three women in the room—Dr. Ellis, the anesthesiologist , and two nurses, Rachel and Maria. They were confident, moving urgently in practiced sync.
I tried to remember the last time I had felt like I had control over anything in my life, and the answer seemed so far away. As if to illustrate my point, Dr. Ellis adjusted some knobs on a machine and turned around with a clear oxygen mask in her pink-gloved hand.
"Alright, take some deep breaths for me, please," Dr. Ellis said, her voice soft but firm as she placed the mask on my face. She peered over her black mask looking down at me and said “We need to get started.”
I nodded, but it felt like my heart was racing. There was an undercurrent of fear I couldn’t shake off. I wasn’t sure if it was the thought of the surgery or the overwhelming idea that I was about to be unconscious, completely at their mercy. I couldn’t help but feel small.
Rachel, the nurse who had been connecting my IV fluids, noticed my unease. "You’re nervous," she said, more like a statement than a question, as she placed a reassuring hand on my left shoulder. She gave me a warm smile, her brown eyes gentle but full of quiet confidence. "That’s okay. Most people are."
"I just… I don’t want to go to sleep," I confessed, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat. "I don’t like the idea of not being in control."
Maria, who was adjusting the monitor at the side, paused and turned toward me. Her blonde ponytail swung behind her as she approached and took my right hand in both of hers. "It’s completely normal to feel that way," she said, her voice warm, her thumb massaging the back of my hand. "But I promise you, we’re right here with you the whole time. You’re not alone."
I wanted to believe her, but the more I thought about it, the harder it became to imagine letting go.
"You know," Dr. Ellis said with a playful tone, "we’re going to have you napping so soundly, you won’t even know what hit you. You’ll wake up, and it’ll be like no time has passed at all."
Rachel chuckled as she prepared a clear syringe and drained it into my IV. "Maybe we’ll even bring you a cup of coffee when you wake up. Make it feel like a spa day."
I forced a laugh, trying to hide the fear that still gripped my chest.
Dr. Ellis leaned in closer, her voice dropping a little lower. "We can even promise you a smooth, easy wake-up. Just a nice transition. You won’t even notice it." A second, clear, mystery liquid disappeared into my IV.
I was barely listening now. My thoughts swirled, trying to remember all the things I had learned about anesthesia—the way it worked, the way the body was put to sleep, the way it seemed like everything paused, and nothing existed but the deep, inescapable darkness.
But the voices around me were still gentle, the nurses still busying themselves, their hands moving with that professional grace.
"Ready?" Maria asked, and I blinked at her, surprised to see a large syringe full of a thick, white liquid connected to my IV, ready to go. I could tell he was smiling now by the way her cheeks rose out of her mask, her eyes soft and warm. "You won’t feel a thing."
I watched as she began to push the plunger. Slowly at first, but once the milky substance reached the vein, she began pushing faster. I wanted to fight it, to stay awake just a little longer.
But then, the air felt heavier, my thoughts foggier. Lights pulsed, vision blurred, eyes unable to focus as they rolled back.
"Just let go," Rachel whispered as the world began to fade. Her voice so quiet that it almost sounded like a secret. "I’ll be here when you wake up."
“I—I don’t like this,” David stammered as he settled on the table, his head resting in the donut-shaped pillow. “I want to stay awake.”
Nurse Lila giggled softly as she adjusted the monitor leads on his chest. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. We’re just going to help you drift off, nice and easy.” She winked, the corner of her mask crinkling with amusement.
“Don’t fight it,” another nurse chimed in, drawing up the milky-white anesthetic into a syringe. “Fighting it just makes it stronger.”
David’s pulse raced on the monitor. “Wait, just—just give me a second—”
Dr. Vale gave a patient smile, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder. “You’re safe here, David. Let us take over for a bit.”
The IV line clicked as the nurse twisted the syringe into it and pushed the plunger. A warm heaviness crept up his arm. He blinked rapidly, trying to resist it, muscles tensing.
Lila leaned closer, whispering, “You can try to fight it, but we always win.” Her tone was teasing, kind, almost like a dare.
David’s protest came out as a slurred mumble. “I—don’t… want to…”
Dr. Vale’s voice softened to a lullaby as she lowered a clear mask onto his face, holding it on tightly with both hands. “Shhh. Just breathe. Let go.”
The world tilted gently. The overhead lights became distant stars. He felt laughter—was it his or theirs?—echoing through the blur.
Lila’s hand brushed his forehead. “Good boy. That’s it.”
His eyelids fluttered once, twice… and then the fight was gone, swallowed by the smooth, infinite dark.
“Out like a light,” said one of the nurses, smiling behind her mask.
Dr. Vale check the monitors as she began squeezing the bag. “Told you,” she murmured. “They always try to stay awake.”
How's that for a start? Where did your interest in anaesthesia begin?
As you might have guessed, mine began in a Dentist's chair, so long ago, but I can still recount every detail, well until I went under.
I woke up very confused about what had just happened, I also had so many questions, but nobody I could ask.
I always felt embarrassed trying to ask others about having anaesthesia, nobody else seemed to have the same enthusiasm as I did.
I honestly don't even know! I've never personally been put to sleep for anything other than twilight sedation for my wisdom teeth, which I don't remember at allll. I like talking about and fantasizing about both being put to sleep and putting other people to sleep :P
I want them strapped to a table, naked of course. They don't understand what's going on, they struggle. I gently reassure them. "That's fine. Everything is fine. I'm gonna take good care of you."
I put on latex gloves, gently smiling at them. I start to caress them, touch them, enjoy their soft skin and the reliefs of their body.
Seeing they keep struggling, asking, whimpering, I decide to relax them. "I'm gonna give you something so you'll feel more at ease, okay ?" Of course I don't wait for them to answer and I professionally place an anesthesia mask over their nose and mouth. "Deep breath, struggling is useless. I told you I'll take good care of you."
They are surprised by the claustrophobic feeling of the mask over their face, panting heavily. I keep reassuring them. "Keep breathing, hon'. The gas will make you more at ease, more... Compliant." I smile while they try to fight the sweet smell of the gas. "It's okay, you won't go under. Not now, anyway. Just enough to make you relax."
They give me anxious looks, trying to move their head, but I firmly but gently hold the mask in place, admiring the fog their breath creates on the mask. They start to relax a bit more, whimpering. "That's right. My good boy/girl. Keep breathing, in and out... Let the gas relax you."
I smile at them again, enjoying seeing them under the mask, their breath becoming more relaxed and steady. I caress their half closed eyelids, before securing the mask around their head with a harness. I then kiss them on the forehead. "Now we can start and enjoy ourselves, sweetheart."
Just sitting all cozy on a cutie’s bed as they sit next to me, gently petting my hair with one hand as the other dangles a pretty pendulum above my eyes. They giggle and tell me it’s time to go to sleep as my eyes flutter before slumping into their arms 💕
sometimes you just gotta write weird gentle medkink-praise kink-light hypnosis shit with no characters or any proper plot
it’s under the cut
——
Icy anxiety floods your veins as you lay on the table. The air isn’t much warmer as it seeps through your hospital gown. You try to distract yourself from your pounding heart and the stinging of the IV in your hand by staring at the bright light directly above your head.
Before long, though, your eyes get a reprieve by the arrival of someone at the head of the bed. A masked face looks down at you, their eyes kind and warm as they lock their gaze on you. They seem vaguely familiar, perhaps someone you met earlier before they wheeled you in here, but their name escapes you at the moment.
“Hey there. How are you doing?” they ask, a gloved hand resting on your shoulder. Their voice is equally gentle and sweet, and something about it just hits your brain at the right angle. They seem to genuinely care about your answer. Still, you shrug, trying to keep the feelings of anxiety out of your mouth. You’re quiet at the best of times, but when you’re this terrified, it’s almost always easier to just stay silent.
“That’s okay, I know the feeling.” Their hands are moving just out of sight, fiddling with something, before they return to your field of vision. “Can you look at me for a minute?”
It’s a slightly odd request, but you bring your eyes back up back from where you’d been staring off into the middle distance. You find it easier than you expected, actually, to stare into their gaze. You can’t quite tell what color their irises are, and as you distractedly try to figure it out, they speak again.
“That’s it, honey. Just look at me. There’s nothing else going on that you need to worry about.” Their voice has shifted a little lower in register, drawing your mind to their words like a magnet. “I want you to take a big, deep breath for me. Nice and slow.”
Even though your breath had been coming in short, near-hyperventilating gasps just a moment ago, it’s easy to do as they say. Cold air rushes into your lungs, burning slightly as your body accepts a real breath.
“Just like that. In…and out. Slowly.” Their hand rests on your shoulder again, just for a moment, and their touch seems to soothe your nerves almost instantly. “Each time you exhale, you can feel your muscles relaxing a little more.”
And, sure enough, as you let out your second breath, you feel the tension escape your limbs. The table is still cold and firm as your muscles begin to melt into it, but somehow that doesn’t matter.
“There you go. You’re doing really well,” the voice says. “Deep breath again. In….and out.”
When you breathe, this time, the anxiety seems to seep out of your brain, leaving you feeling numb and just a little bit like you’re floating.
“Perfect. Keep breathing just like that.” They sound more than a little satisfied, and they hold your gaze for another moment before they hold up what you vaguely recognize as EKG leads. “I’m just going to put these on you, okay? Gotta make sure that lovely heart of yours is beating nice and steady.”
You feel a muted pang of anxiety return as, with practiced motions, their hands gently press sticky pads on your chest.
“No, no, no. None of that. Deep breath for me.” Their hand ghosts back up to your shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. They hold up a plastic clip, wired to something behind your head. “This is gonna go right on your finger.”
And sure enough, you feel it close around your index finger a moment later. You take another deep breath.
“That’s right. Breathe,” they say, and move to your arm, fiddling with the blood pressure cuff that stayed there from earlier. “Just finishing getting you hooked up.”
As if on cue, you can hear beeping counting out your heartbeat from the monitor next to the bed. They’re back at your head a moment later, fiddling with something else, and then their gaze is back on you. It’s as if they can see into your soul, and you’re not sure if it should be comforting or terrifying. You settle for both.
“Alright, sweetheart. Gonna give you a little oxygen, now, okay? I just want you to keep breathing nice and slow.” You flick your eyes to their hand, and sure enough, they’re holding a big rubber mask, connected to something behind you with corrugated tubing. It hovers over your face for a moment, not quite touching it, before it descends and seals over your nose and mouth.
It’s soft against your skin. You take a shaky breath. The air inside is cool and clean, if not a little tainted with rubber. It’s…confusing, and you can hear your heartbeat speeding up in your ears.
They must be able to sense your unease, because their other hand cups your face, their touch gentle even through the latex gloves. They stroke your cheekbone with their thumb while they tilt your head back so that you’re still looking right into their eyes. The anxiety dissipates again.
“That’s it. Nice and easy,” they murmur, running their thumb over your cheek one more time before letting your face go to fiddle with the machine next to them. “I’m going to start giving you some medicine now. Might smell a little different in a second. That’s normal. Just keep breathing and looking at me.”
Your next breath is sweeter. It’s almost like artificial cherries, not unpleasant, though it’s definitely noticeable. It’s not difficult to breathe.
“Good. Nice, deep breaths for me.” You stare into their eyes. You still can’t figure out the color, exactly, but you can feel the calm radiating off of them in a way that reflects back in your own nerves.
After a couple of breaths, you begin to hear an odd buzzing in your head, your thoughts beginning to thicken and cloud over with something foggy. You somehow feel light and heavy at the same time. Numbness creeps over you.
“That’s it. Getting a little sleepy now,” they croon. Their hand makes its way back to your cheek, stroking down the side. “You’re doing so very well for me.”
Another few breaths, and their words are getting harder to hear as the buzzing intensifies. Your vision begins to distort. You struggle to focus on their eyes in the sea of spinning static.
Their hand caresses your cheek again, before it disappears. “Time to go to sleep, sweetheart. I’m going to give you more medicine. Might smell a little different again.”
It’s an understatement, and you twitch a little and cough as a breath of thick, pungent air passes through your airway. You’d struggle harder if you could, but the numbness is settling deep into your mind.
“Shhh, shhhh, easy. I know it stinks. Almost over, I promise.” Their voice is still so gentle, even as you twitch against the mask. Their free hand holds your head steady, keeping you looking into their eyes as they speak. “You’re safe, I’ve got you. Just relax and let the medicine work.”
The next breath is easier, but you can’t tell if it’s just because you’re losing the ability to care again. Your eyelids are rapidly getting heavier and heavier with each second, and you can barely even move now. You take another breath, and you blink heavily, a vague thought to keep your eyes open crossing your mind.
“Shh. Don’t fight it, sweetheart,” their voice is almost a whisper as they lean a little closer to you. You can only just feel their hand stroke down your forehead. Your eyelids follow the motion, eyes rolling backwards when you try to open them again. Their voice sounds distant. “One more big deep breath for me. You’re going under now. I’ll take really good care of you.”
And, sure enough, your eyes finally drift shut on the next breath. You think you hear them murmur another encouragement, and then you’re gone.
When he said he wanted to help you find a better way to calm down…
You didn’t expect this. You didn’t expect your anxiety driving thoughts to be completely muted by a singular touch. It’s much more instantaneous than the medication you were prescribed. Granted, the side effects of the medication and this new off switch are about the same, you experience some drowsiness. The main difference that you’ve noticed is with the medication you at least remember when you began to drift off and the naps don’t typically last longer than an hour or so. With this new treatment it seems like you end up missing at least half your day. You aren’t too worried about it though, you’ve never felt this refreshed.
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