Read your diary
Pairing: non idol! Yujin x f! reader
Warnings: jealousy, suicide attempt, bullying, Yujin is kind of an idiot, angst with a fluffy ending, depression (?)
Summary: Y/N is friends with Yujin, however things quickly go the wrong way ever since Yujin started dating Kaori and y/n realized she doesn’t see Yujin as just a friend anymore.
A/N: English isn’t my first language, so I’m very sorry for bad grammar or spelling mistakes, it’s also my first one shot on tumblr, hope you like it! Also, can anyone spot the txt reference that I put during the fanfic? Also, it’s not proofread so I’m sorry for any mistakes
Rest is under the cut :3
Y/n and Yujin have been friends ever since they started high school one year ago. She was a very shy girl, who never really stood out. She was a good student while Yujin… well, he just depended on her intellect to pass.
During the summer vacation, she and Yujin hung out almost every day, like always. However, this summer y/n started noticing things she hasn’t noticed before. Like the way his skin was shining during sunsets, the way his eyes sparkled when he was talking about things he enjoyed, how his smile was different around other people or how softly he called her name. She thought it was normal. Best friends often are softer around each other. But what she didn’t notice was the lingering presence of a girl who Yujin met last month during movies.
Her name was Kaori. And y/n thought Kaori was everything she ever wanted to be. She was smart, athletic and most importantly, very beautiful.
And there they were again, y/n and Yujin were at the new cat cafe y/n always wanted to go to. She was petting a ginger cat that wouldn’t leave her side for a second, while Yujin was sipping on his coffee, clearly bothered by something.
„You alright yujin?” She asked upon seeing the boy stressing.
„Huh? Oh! Yeah I’m fine, I was just thinking.” He replied and took another lazy sip from his drink. „Thinking about Kaori… I was wondering what to wear to see her next Wednesday.”
Her name stung y/n’s chest in that familiar way. She knew she was jealous, but didn’t want to admit it in front of herself and others.
„I wanted to ask you for help about it actually. Let’s go shopping!” He added excited.
Y/n’s face saddened, but nevertheless she smiled. „Yeah, sure! When do you want to do it?”
Yujin’s smile widened upon hearing her words. „I was thinking maybe when we finish our drinks and you finish your date with the cat we could head to the mall? Of course as long as you’re free.”
She wanted to say that she’s not free. That she doesn’t want to help, that she doesn’t want him to go. But she wanted to be a good friend, so she agreed. And after another half an hour, they went to the said mall.
In there, y/n was constantly reminded that they’re just friends and she couldn’t hope for anything more, right? After about 3 hours of walking around the mall in search of clothes that’d fit Yujin, they finally found an outfit he thought was good enough. Then Yujin walked y/n home. She was awfully quiet on the way back and of course Yujin noticed. He always did.
„Hey, are you okay? You’ve been really quiet for a while did something happen?” He asked with genuine concern.
„Yeah, I’m fine my feet just hurt a little from all the walking.” She lied. She had to for a while now, so that no one realizes her true feelings.
For the rest of the walk, they remained silent, which was unusually since most of the times their walks home are filled with talks and laughter. It really bugged both of them, but neither had enough confidence to break the uncomfortable silence.
Once they reached y/n’s home, she sighed with relief. They briefly hugged and said goodbye and afterwards, she closed the door and slid against them and started crying. She didn’t even know what she was crying about. Maybe it was because Yujin has been acting so distant lately and hadn’t had time to properly hang out without mentioning Kaori. Maybe it was because she finally realized her feelings towards the boy. Or maybe, it was both. She didn’t know and didn’t care. All she wanted at that moment was to disappear from the face of earth.
While still crying, she entered her room and threw herself on the bed. She opened her phone and looked through her camera roll. It was filled with her and Yujin having fun. Although they haven’t known each other for that long, they were able to make a bunch of great memories. As she looked at them, she received a message from Yujin.
Thank you so much for your help today, you’re the best y/nnie~
She felt sick reading it. He was always so sweet to her and for what? So he could break her heart so easily? She cried more and more not even realizing she left him on read. It was the last week before school started and instead of enjoying them y/n spent them crying over a boy she thought was out of her league. Eventually, she got so exhausted with crying, she fell asleep. But all she could see in her dreams, was the boy she fell for.
As days past, so did the time left until school was starting again and before anyone knew it, it was September again and the first day of school.
Y/n took one last look in the mirror before leaving for school. She felt disgusting. She had huge eye bags under her eyes and her hair was a mess. She cried for the entire night last night as well. Ever since Yujin started spending more time with Kaori, he had less time for y/n. She knew she couldn’t let it get to her, but still she was feeling depressed because of it. By now, she knew she was in love with her best friend and it was making things so much harder for her.
After leaving, she quickly put her headphones on and started slowly making her way to her school. She always did it with Yujin, but yesterday he texted her he was going to walk with Kaori. She felt sick by the thought of seeing those two all sweet and smiley while she suffered. She hated the girl even though she haven’t even met her. The thought of someone spending more time with Yujin made her sick to her stomach. She didn’t fully understand why, but it was really starting to get to her.
Her way to school wasn’t long. It was about 15 minute walk from her home, so she didn’t even notice when she got there. She entered her classroom as usual, headphones still on, expecting to see Yujin already there in his assigned seat next to her. But she couldn’t see the boy anywhere. She figured he was running late or Kaori lived further from them, but still it made her feel sad.
Just before the bell rung, Yujin entered the classroom. She could see him by the door with Kaori. And they were holding hands? Then, Yujin gave the girl a soft kiss on her cheek before actually entering the room. Y/n didn’t want to stare, but she knew her expression gave her away.
„Hey, sorry I was late I was just talking to Kaori on my way here and we got a little carried away.” He explained with a soft laugh.
„Yeah, it’s fine. So.. are the two of you dating or what?” Y/n asked, her voice a little more shaky than she’d like when she said the word „dating”.
„Haven’t I told you? Well, yeah we are I asked her out on Wednesday.” He replied nonchalantly. She didn’t know his response would hurt her as much as it did.
„Oh well, congratulations then.” She said sadder than she’d expect.
They couldn’t continue their conversation since their teacher started the lesson, so they sat there in silence. Usually, she felt blessed that her best friends assigned seat was next to hers, but that day, it felt like a curse. She didn’t know what she’d expected from him after seeing them kiss, but she definitely hated the fact that she was slowly losing her only friend in the world.
For the entire day, she was holding back her tears. Yujin never noticed since he spent every break (including lunch when he ate with y/n) with his new girlfriend. And y/n couldn’t blame them. They were a couple after all right? During said lunch, y/n sat under the stairs, where she and Yujin had their first conversation. She was crying because some popular girls said mean stuff to her and he was there to comfort her. He always was. Just not now, when she needed it most.
She didn’t feel like eating the food she prepared that morning, so she just sat there and started writing in her diary. She only did it when things got really bad and she had no one to talk about them with. The last time she did it was before meeting Yujin. She trusted him fully with all her problems, including the one time she got rejected by a boy she really liked. She wrote about everything. About how she loved him, how she hated Kaori for taking him away from her, how she wanted to have one hangout with him without him mentioning Kaori.
She couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. She was full on crying by that point and the worst part was, she couldn’t notice two figures approaching her. Then she heard Yujin’s voice.
„Oh, seems like someone’s there, let’s find another spot shall we?” He asked his new girlfriend. He didn’t even notice it was his best friend. Or did he? Maybe he did, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. His voice did sound a little sad? She didn’t want to be delusional, but he looked almost as if he wanted to talk to her, but couldn’t bring himself to do it.
They stood frozen like that for what felt like eternity, before a female voice cut through the silence stretching between them.
„Come on Yujinnie, let’s go to the rooftop!” Kaori said with an overly sweet voice, which made Yujin snap out of whatever he was in.
„Y-yeah, lets go.” He said a little startled before running off.
That made y/n cry even more. She couldn’t stop the tears that kept coming. She knew she had to put herself back together since the next lesson was starting soon, but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t stop the overflowing negative thoughts regarding Han Yujin. „I love you so much you fucking idiot.” She said to herself in the middle of crying. And just like that, the lunch break was over. She didn’t take a bite of her food and couldn’t stop her tears.
She knew she had to go to that class since it was important to her, so she stood up and wiped her tears. Before entering her classroom, she went to the bathroom to wash her face. And she saw the most unexpected person there.
Kaori was casually washing her hands by the sink and y/n just stared at her.
„Hey, is everything okay? You’re the girl who me and my boyfriend saw crying on the stairs.” Kaori asked with that sweet voice of her. The word boyfriend made y/n’s heart sink.
„Yeah, I’m fine. Just some private stuff.” She replied coldly. She didn’t have any will to talk to that girl right now.
„Are you sure? You seemed devastated there. Also, you’re y/n aren’t you?” She pushed. The worst thing was that she genuinely seemed concerned. But wait.. how does she know y/n’s name? Did that mean Yujin was talking about her?
„Yeah I’m sure, how do you know my name anyway?”
„Oh, Yujin has been talking about you sometimes. Anyways, I have to go now, see you round!”
After that, y/n just stood there still. Yujin was talking about her? How could that happen? She was so sure he was telling Kaori bad things about her as their relationship worsened with each passing day.
Yujin couldn’t even bother to talk to her in class anymore. As weeks went by, they stopped talking at all. After two months of Kaori and Yujin dating, he stopped even texting her. Not a single way of acknowledging y/n exists. He wasn’t even looking at her at school. He treated her as if she didn’t exist.
As November came by, y/n’s mental health was at the very bottom. She was feeling worse and worse with each passing day. The only thing that kept her sane, was her diary which she started taking with her everywhere she went. Which wasn’t many places as she didn’t have any friends at all anymore.
After Yujin stopped talking to her, she was left completely alone. Not a single person who she could talk to, not a single person who she thought liked her. Days passed by and she started looking worse than ever. Heavy eye bags under her eyes, messy hair and most importantly, swollen eyes from constant crying. She felt so depressed she couldn’t even bother to make herself look presentable at school anymore. And people noticed. Everyone noticed that something was wrong except for one person who she wished did notice. Or maybe he did, he just didn’t want to acknowledge that.
She didn’t even care anymore, she just wanted to end it. She felt so alone and depressed, she thought there was no reason for her to continue her miserable life. After Yujin left her, she became a target for bullies. She was alone, no one to protect her, to be there by her side. The bullying started around week 2 of no contact at all. At first it was subtle, little comments about not having any friends at all, then it became worse and worse. She felt like absolute shit and looked like one as well. Thats why she made the decision to go to the schools rooftop and end it all right after classes.
The second the last bell rung, she left her diary and backpack on her desk and went straight to the very top of the building. She stood there as the cold, November air caressed her hair gently. She felt at peace? The she felt tiny snowflakes fall on her shoulders. It was cold, but it felt peaceful. She went to the railing and sat on it. She looked down at the setting sun, at the people leaving her school, at buildings around her. And for the first time in months, she smiled. The thought of this beautiful sight being her last memory made her feel at ease.
While she was enjoying the view, there was a certain someone walking through the halls. That someone was Yujin Han. The man who made it all happen. Surprisingly, he wasn’t with Kaori as she had to leave school later. But their relationship wasn’t as perfect either. The truth is, the reason why he stopped talking to y/n was because he too realized he felt something more than a friend should. But it was too late, he was already in a relationship. He thought that maybe if he pretended to love Kaori for long enough, his feelings would disappear, but they didn’t. They only grew stronger and so did his concern for y/n. He noticed everything. He saw how thin she looked, how she’d skip classes all the time, how miserable she looked. And he knew it was his fault.
Guilt was eating him alive. He knew he had to break up with Kaori soon, he just didn’t know if y/n would still want to be friends with him after everything that happened. As he was lost in his thoughts, practicing what to tell Kaori to break up with her, he noticed a backpack and a notebook sitting on one of the desks in his classroom. Curious, he entered the classroom and immediately noticed that it was y/n’s. „What the hell, why’s she still there?” He asked himself.
He noticed the pink notebook. He knew what it was immediately. It was her diary. He knew she was writing one, but he also knew she only did it when things got really bad. So why was it here? He knew he shouldn’t look through her stuff, especially not read her diary, but curiosity got the best of him. He opened the last filled page. It was an entry from that day. It contained the detailed explanation of why she was going to end her life. And 10 words stung him right in the chest. It said „all because I fell in love with my best friend.” He knew who it was about. And what was worse, he knew it was about him.
Yujin didn’t think twice before running to the school rooftop with her diary in hand. He was praying that he wasn’t too late, that y/n was standing right there, waiting for Yujin. He hoped it was a prank or a test. As he run faster than ever, his eyes filled with real tears. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
Meanwhile y/n stood behind the railing, the only thing separating her from the ground 50 meters below her was a narrow piece of concrete which she was standing on. She leaned back on the railing and took a deep breath. She felt at peace. She knew that if she took just one step forward, she’s going to be free. But just as she was enjoying the slight snow falling from above, the door to the rooftop suddenly swung open with an impact. She then heard him.
„Y/N!!!!” She heard a familiar voice. She turned around scared.
„Y-Yujin? Why are you here?” She asked, still not stepping away from the railing.
„Oh my god, thank god you’re alive.” He replied, running straight at her and pulling her back with a tight hug.
He couldn’t control his tears which now wet her school uniform. She couldn’t help but cry too. She didn’t know if it was because she was angry at him or happy that he showed up. As they cried into each others arms, he kept saying how happy he was that she was okay.
After they pulled away, without any warning, he kissed her. At first, y/n was stunned she didn’t know what to do, but after a moment, she relaxed and kissed the boy back. The kiss was desperate, the emotions bottled up in both of them for so long, finally could be freed. Yujin kissed her as if the world was to end that day. And it could’ve, if he was late by just a minute.
When they stopped kissing, they both looked surprised by what happened.
„Y/n I-I’m so sorry I shouldn’t ha-.” He couldn’t finish because she kissed him again, this time even more desperate than the last one. They both liked each other for so long and yet only now could they finally show it. They wanted to savor that moment for as long as they could. The taste of saliva mixed with the taste of their already dry tears as they deepened the kiss a little more.
Unfortunately, all good moments have to come to an end, because the door swung open once again, this time it was Kaori who showed up. She didn’t say anything. She just stood there stunned. Although she knew Yujin was in love with y/n for a while now and she was just someone for him to get over her, it still hurt her. She didn’t want to interrupt them, so she just left. The only thing they heard was the sound of the door closing. They jumped away from each other and stared at one another terrified that someone had caught them.
Then, unexpectedly y/n started laughing.
„W-wha why are you laughing?” Yujin asked confused.
„Well, the thought of us being there and someone catching us is crazy isn’t it?”
„Yeah but.. are you okay? Like genuinely. Why didn’t you just tell me how much you struggled?”
„And risk my friendship with you? Hell no.”
„So you’d rather throw away the most precious gift you have just to let me know how you felt all along?”
„Kind of. But I didn’t want you to find out tho… it’s embarrassing.”
After that, silence stretched between them again. Yujin walked up to y/n and lifted her chin so she could look at him.
„And what if I told you I’ve felt the exact same way all this time? And didn’t tell you for the exact same reason” That left y/n stunned. She didn’t know what to say. She was happy, but also a little angry and sad. She didn’t know how to feel.
„Y-you should’ve just told me that you asshole. Maybe if you did, none of that would’ve happened. You’ve read my diary, you know everything now. You know I can’t just forgive you like that. But… I am happy that my feelings are reciprocated..” She said. Her voice was a mix of sadness, anger and shyness? She was mostly glad that they could go back to how it was.
„I know. I’m so sorry for all that. I knew I was hurting you all that time and I’m an asshole for not being there for you. I was selfish and I know it. I’m sorry y/n.”
As he kept apologizing over and over again, she knew he ment it. But she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to forgive him that easily.
„Look Yujin, I know you’re sorry and stuff, but still I suffered so much because of you. It’s not exactly your fault, but I don’t think I’d be able to forgive you instantly.. also you kind of cheated on Kaori with me…”
„I know. I know that and I feel stupid for doing all that to hurt you. I never loved Kaori. She was just there so I could mask my own feelings and pretend that she was you. I thought that maybe if I kept that lie for long enough, I’d stop being so in love with you. I don’t expect you to forgive me instantly, but I just hope we could be friends again… maybe more, so y/n l/n, do you want to be my girlfriend?”
Those words left y/n stunned again. She never expected to be asked that by her best friend. The same best friend who she’s been in love with for so long.
„Yujin, I’d love to be your girlfriend, it’d be an honor, but I can’t agree until you break up with Kaori.”
„Okay, no problem, I’ll break up with her tomorrow.”
His urgency made her laugh softly. She could see how much that boy cared about her, and it made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Something she hadn’t felt in a long while. After a little bit more of small talk, they decided to head home.
Y/n took her stuff from the classroom and dressed up in her coat and scarf.
„You look really cute you know?” Yujin asked looking at her as if she hung up the stars.
She didn’t reply, she just gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and they left school together. As they walked, they caught up with whatever was going on in the past few months. Their walk home took longer than usual, but it was filled with laughter and talks again. The silence was replaced with the familiar warmth of their voices.
Once they reached y/n’s house, Yujin gave her one last quick peck on the lips before shouting. „Take care y/n! I love you!”
Upon hearing those words, y/n’s cheeks turned bright red. It felt nice.
„I love you too. Text me when you’re home.” She replied and after waving him goodbye, she entered her house. For the first time in forever, she came back home with a smile on her face.
The next day, Yujin broke up with Kaori the first thing in the morning. She admitted to seeing them kiss the previous day, so she expected the breakup. Then, everything went back to normal. Y/n and Yujin kept distracting the teacher with their talks, they ate lunch together and did everything as usual.
Then, the end of the day came. The last bell rung and Yujin offered y/n to hang out for a little after school. She of course agreed because she had nothing else to do and having her best friend back felt better than ever. However, she didn’t expect him to bring her to the Han river where he set up a tiny picnic set. Y/n smiled upon seeing what her best friend prepared.
„Do you like it?” Yujin asked looking at her.
„I love it.” She replied and looked back at him.
„So uhm… I met your conditions and broke up with Kaori this morning, so may I ask again. Y/n l/n will you make me the happiest person alive by letting me call you my girlfriend?” He asked as he took her hand in his.
Y/n thought for a moment. „You know what. I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past year, I’d love to be your girlfriend.” She replied finally with a smile. „But that doesn’t mean I forgive you that easily. I still remember.” She added.
„I know and I’m so sorry for doing it I know I’m stu-.” And he couldn’t finish his sentence because y/n cut him off with a kiss.
This time, their kiss was soft, almost like this time, they finally realized how much they meant for one another and wanted to actually savor it. Yujin deepened the kiss a little by adding a little bit of tongue into it, but it didn’t make it any less sweet and soft. He tasted like strawberries and mint and y/n loved the taste of it.
After they pulled away, they sat down to eat dinner that Yujin prepared. They talked and laughed as they ate with the setting sun behind them. It was romantic and sweet. That was one of those moments that the young couple wanted to capture and keep in their memory forever. Despite the cold air surrounding them, they felt warm because of each others presence. That presence was the reason neither of them wanted to give up on their relationship. And although it was going to take y/n quite some time to forgive Yujin, she knew she eventually would and they’d live a happy life having each other.