Memory Lane: Maybe It’s Better
The other girl turned around confused. I sat up on the desk next to her. I figured she needed some help making friends, she hadn’t talked to anyone all day.
“Tzuyu, Tzuyu Chou.” She said quietly.
“I’m Dahyun Kim, we’re friends now ok?”
“Umm really?” She had a faint smile on her face that you could barely see, but it was there.
“Yeah of course! It’s the first day of school, but I haven’t seen you talk to anyone yet! You’re pretty shy huh?”
Tzuyu shakes her head a little and gives me this awkward look that made me laugh.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you fix that! Where would you be without me Chou Tzuyu?”
I get down from the desk and put my arm around her, “I know, but it sounds better that way don’t you think?”
On that first day of 6th grade Tzuyu Chou and I became best friends. My friendship with Tzuyu was very important to me. To me she was someone worth protecting from the world. I’d do anything for her, no matter what it was. If anyone messed with her, I made sure to make them regret it. On our last day as 8th graders, I went to Tzuyu’s house to sleepover, which we did every year. When I got to there, her mom opened the door and let me in.
“Ah yes, she’s in her room, go ahead and let yourself in, I’m sure she’s not doing anything right now.”
I rushed over to Tzuyu’s room and opened the door.
I saw Tzuyu laid out on her back on her bed knocked out.
“Seriously Tzuyu? It’s barely 5pm.” I laugh to myself.
I set my stuff down and walk over to the sleeping giant. I walk over slowly and look at her sleeping face. She looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake her. I find myself getting closer and closer to her face and with each inch my heart beats faster. Our faces end up so close that our noses touch. At this point my heart was beating so fast, that I couldn’t think straight. What was going on with me? I don’t even know what I’m doing, but I don’t want to stop. I close my eyes, but as soon as I do…
Tzuyu jumps up and we bump heads.
“Ahh my head! Tzuyu why’d you have to jump up!?” Seriously why? Actually more importantly, what was I about to do?
“You’re the one that scared me! Talk about a rude awakening. Why would you even scare me like that? You couldn’t wake me up like a normal person?”
I most certainly wasn’t attempting to scare her. I think…I think I was close to kissing her. I didn’t tell Tzuyu what I was actually doing because I wasn’t exactly sure myself, so I just went along with her.
“C’mon, I just couldn’t resist your sleeping face haha.” At least I wasn’t lying.
“Anyway, what do you want to do?” She says as she rubs her forehead.
“The usual duh.” I say rubbing mine.
We spent that night doing what we usually do, eating food and watching kdramas, but I couldn’t stop this lingering feeling. I never put much thought into it after that day, and next thing you know we were high school freshman. So far the year was pretty good and high school wasn’t so bad, until one day Tzuyu came up to me in class.
“Dahyun! You’ll never guess what happened yesterday!”
Tzuyu had been over at a family friend’s house, she didn’t really like it there because the kids go crazy.
“What did you get beat up by some kids?” I chuckle.
“No! Chaeyoung added me on Facebook! Or I added her rather, but she accepted!”
Chaeyoung was one of the most popular girls in school, she was stunning and talented. I had no idea she even knew who Tzuyu was. Suddenly I started getting this uneasy feeling.
“No way! What did you message her!?” I ask cautiously.
Tzuyu tells me that she didn’t message Chaeyoung anything and the uneasy feeling starts to fade away. I tell her jokingly that she should message Chaeyoung and tell her she wants to get to know her better, knowing Tzuyu, she would be too shy to do that sort of thing, but then at school the next day…
“No way. I don’t believe it.” I said shocked.
“It’s true! She’s so fun to talk to! Why don’t you believe me!?”
It’s not that I didn’t really believe her, Tzuyu isn’t one to lie. It’s more like I didn’t want to believe her. Suddenly I hear a voice coming from the hall.
I look over at the door and Chaeyoung is there jumping and waving her hands in the hallway.
“Wow.” I let out in disbelief.
“What?” Tzuyu asks as she waves at the door.
“Seeing really is believing. She really likes you too.”
The uneasy feeling I had yesterday came right back.
“What? No way, we barely started talking.”
I look at Tzuyu, shocked at how she can be so naïve.
“No one just yells out a person’s name after they just met, unless they really like them.”
Our teacher comes in and I’m stuck with myself daydreaming in class. Chaeyoung is pretty and talented and so is Tzuyu. What would I do if they started dating? The thought of it sends shivers down my spine. Why am I even feeling this way? After class finishes, I see Tzuyu and Chaeyoung talking to each other by the lockers and I quickly walked passed them. I didn’t know what to feel, but I knew I wasn’t happy. Later that week I’m over at Tzuyu’s house and somehow Chaeyoung comes up, much to my dismay. I look at the way Tzuyu talks about her and how wide her smile goes and I can’t help but wonder if Tzuyu has ever talked about me with a look like that on her face.
“She really makes you happy doesn’t she?” I ask.
“Yeah she does, I’m always looking forward to school because I know I’m going to see her.”
My heart aches a little as I hear that, and I wonder, did you not look forward to seeing me, your best friend? I dismissed the thought because I know how Tzuyu feels about me. Of course she would look forward to seeing her best friend. Best friends. Right.
“When are you going to ask her out?” I ask sarcastically.
I take a look at Tzuyu who starts acting flustered. Does the thought of asking out Chaeyoung really get her that excited?
“Do…do you really think I should?” She asks.
I tell her all the reasons that she should go for it, because it is so obvious that they like each other that the fact that they’re not already dating was frustrating me. Or was that really the reason? Yes, of course it is, I need to be a supportive best friend and help Tzuyu get what she wants and what will make her happy. That’s what would make me happy, right?
“… you know what? I’m gonna ask her out.” She says.
She nods her head with a smile.
“Yes! That’s my girl! When and how are you gonna do it huh?”
“I…I have no idea…help me Dahyun!” I cry out.
“Where would you be without me Chou Tzuyu?”
“You know you always say that, but honestly, I don’t know where I would be without you Dahyun. You’re the best.”
“I know I am, maybe you should just date me, I know everything you need.” I kid.
I look over at Tzuyu who stopped talking.
“We’d make a pretty good couple wouldn’t we?” She laughs.
The thought of it makes me smile.
“Nah, never mind that sounds so weird!” Tzuyu laughs.
“Yeah weird!” I try to laugh, but nothing comes out.
The rest of the night we go over ways Tzuyu will ask out Chaeyoung and I see the smiles and hear the laughs coming from Tzuyu and I tell myself, as long as she’s happy that’s what matters. The day Tzuyu is supposed to ask out Chaeyoung, I decide to sit and wait for her at school. I wanted to know how things went right away. Soon I see Tzuyu and Chaeyoung come back to the school and I notice Chaeyoung is walking further away as Tzuyu just stands there. I run over to Tzuyu to see what happened.
“Well!? How’d it go!? I’ve been waiting here this whole time. She said yes right? Where is she going?”
“She…she didn’t say yes…”
As soon as those words leave her mouth, tears start rolling down her eyes.
“She said no!? What!? Hold up Tzuyu, I’ll be right back. I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. Maybe even a piece of my fist we’ll see.”
I was furious, how could someone be so stupid to reject Tzuyu? And to hurt her to the point she cries? I wasn’t going to let her get away with it.
“No! Dahyun stop!” Tzuyu grabs my arm and pulls me back.
“Why!? She hurt you didn’t she!”
“No! She didn’t reject me.”
“What are you talking about? Then why are you crying?”
“I don’t know why. I…I…just couldn’t do it.”
I was confused, but I just sat down with Tzuyu and hugged her as she cried.
“I couldn’t do it Dahyun…why couldn’t I do it?”
I was so worried about Tzuyu, but at the same time, I felt…relieved. Part of me didn’t really want her to go through with it. I wasn’t sure what a future without Tzuyu always with me was going to be like, but now as I see Tzuyu here in tears, I instantly regret this feeling of relief. All I want is to help her.
“Ok well, what are you going to do now?” I ask.
“I’m not sure, I definitely want to tell Chaeyoung how I feel, but maybe not right now. I’m scared I’ll freeze up again.”
“Are you sure? Freshman year is almost over. What if you don’t get another chance?”
“Oh that’s right, finals are soon too.”
The frustration on her face was clear. I could tell how badly she wanted to express her feelings to Chaeyoung.
“Maybe tell her after finals. It should give you enough time to sort your feelings out and maybe we’ll be able to come up with a better plan this time. Sound good?”
“I don’t think I have any other choice.”
When I wasn’t studying I was thinking of ways to help Tzuyu out. Whenever I wasn’t doing that I was thinking about how I could help myself. Why do I feel so uneasy when I see Chaeyoung and Tzuyu together, or when Tzuyu starts talking about her? I don’t hate Chaeyoung at all, in fact, if I would totally date her myself. Was I jealous of Tzuyu? No, that’s not it, she deserves to be happy. I started to think again how a future with Tzuyu spending more time with Chaeyoung would mean spending less time with me. Was I afraid of losing Tzuyu? She wouldn’t leave me alone would she? I decide to dismiss all these thoughts and go back to studying. Besides, Tzuyu and I have been best friends for years, nothing would ever change that. After finals were over I left my class quickly to go find Tzuyu. I looked all over for her and eventually I found her in the sitting by herself on a bench.
She looks up from her phone with and expressionless face and drops her head back down.
“What happened? Were you able to do it this time?”
“I didn’t even get the chance. I tried to find her, but I couldn’t get to her in time.”
“What? That doesn’t make sense school hasn’t even been over for fifteen minutes yet, how could she be gone already?”
“She left early to go on vacation.”
Tzuyu passes me her phone and I read all the texts Chaeyoung sent her.
“CHOU TZUYU!” I yell out, “I thought I told you to stop turning off your phone while studying! What if there’s an emergency!?”
“Dahyun this was finals! I had to!” She says trying to defend herself.
“Tzuyu you are a genius, you could study for hour and know more than I could if I studied the whole day. And now tell me, was it worth it?” I look at her sternly.
“No, I don’t think so.” She says depressed.
“C’mon let’s get some ice cream.” I reach out my hand.
“Ok.” She grabs my hand and gets up.
After that, Tzuyu tried countless times to contact Chaeyoung over the summer, but nothing ever came out of it. I visit her one day and find her sulking under the covers.
“She’s probably hurt still and doesn’t want to talk to you. What if she never does? You have to move on and get out and have fun, its summer!” I tell her to try to get her out of bed, “There’s a party I got invited to, let’s go! They have a pool, it should be awesome!”
Tzuyu peaks her head out of the blanket.
“A pool?” She asks intrigued.
“Yupp! My mom can give us a ride, let’s go!” I jump on the bed and try to pull the blanket off.
“Ok! Ok! Dahyun, I’ll go, now stop you’re tickling me!” She laughs.
“I know I am!” I laugh back.
I manage to rip the blanket off her and throw it up in the air. The blanket lands on top of us as we continue to laugh. Tzuyu finally gets me off her and grabs me and holds me tight. I look up and Tzuyu is looking down on me smiling. Her sweet smile, which I haven’t seen in so long, makes me smile back.
“Are you a little happy now Tzuyu?” I ask.
“A little. Thanks to you.”
“Where would you be without me Chou Tzuyu?” I say laughing.
Tzuyu laughs and smiles again and pulls me in tighter and my mind travels back to that time in 8th grade and my heart starts beating fast. I don’t want Tzuyu to feel my heart beating this fast, because I have no idea how I would explain it to her. I wriggle out of her grasp and try to get out of the blanket.
“Oh no! You’re not escaping that easily! You think you can just attack me in my own house and get away with it unpunished?” She says, and she pulls me back in.
Tzuyu holds me from behind and rests her head on my shoulder.
“I don’t know.” She says.
“I don’t know where I’d be without you Kim Dahyun.” She says as she rests her head on mine.
Those words make my heart beat even faster and I can’t take it anymore. I manage to wriggle myself out again and finally get off the bed.
“Yeah it was…it was just getting a little hot on the bed that’s all.”
“Oh ok, so when is this party?”
“Tonight. My mom and I can come pick you up later if you want.” I say trying to keep my head straight.
“Alright sounds good! Are you leaving now then?”
“Yeah I probably should, I need to get myself ready too.”
The next day I wake up with a terrible headache. I look around and find myself in my room, but I don’t remember how I got here. I look at the floor and I see Tzuyu sleeping. I guess, we were too tired after the party and knocked out. What is with this headache though? I head downstairs to find some aspirin. I take a couple and wash it down with some water. As I put the cup down, I spit out my water as I suddenly remember what went down last night.
“Dahyun! Where are you!?” Tzuyu yells.
“HEY YODA FACE! WHAT’S GOOD!?”
She turns around and sees me on top of a chair dancing around.
“Dahyun what are you doing!? Get down!”
I get down and take a sip of whatever it was in my cup.
“Are you drinking!?” Tzuyu yells.
“Of course I’m drinking, what else do you do with liquid in a cup Tzuyu? Tzuyu did you lose your jams again? You should go find them.” I laugh out loud like I just said the joke of the year.
“You know what I mean Dahyun.”
She grabs the cup from my hands and takes a sip and spits it out.
“Ok yeah that’s definitely alcohol. Where did you even get this?”
“I heard someone spiked the punch. Looks like your friend can’t hang huh?” Some random person says and laughs.
“Shut up and move.” Tzuyu says angry.
“SHUT UP AND GROOOOOVE!” I say as I dance around some more.
“How much did you even drink Dahyun?”
“I don’t know, two, three, seven cups?”
“It might’ve been three.” I shrug.
Tzuyu drags me to the couch nearby and sits me down.
“I’m texting your mom to pick us up, give me your phone.”
“Only if you sit next to me beautiful.” I wink at her.
“Fine.” She says as she rolls her eyes.
She sits down next to me and I lay on her lap. I reach into my pocket and hand her my phone.
“Alright it’s done, she said she’ll be here soon. I pretended to be you so she doesn’t know you’re drunk so try to act natural when you see her.” She pleads.
“Yeah, after all this, you better love me.” She laughs.
“No Tzuyu, like I think I’m in love with you.” I say with a serious face.
“Dahyun you’re drunk. Shut up.” She laughs slowly.
“I think I’ve loved you for a long time. I just didn’t want to(hic)admit it to my(hic)self, because I don’t know how you feel about me.” I say.
“Dahyun you’re so drunk you’re hiccupping.” She laughs some more.
“TZUYU I MEAN IT! I’M IN LOVE WIT-“ I yell out until Tzuyu covers my mouth.
“Ok I get it! Don’t be so loud!” She says, “Why do you love me Dahyun, tell me.”
“I love everything. I love your smile, I love the way your hair falls down your face when you study and then you have to place it behind your cute ears, I love how you’re quiet around new people, but when you get to know them you care for them with all your heart, I love how you and I can be so different yet whenever I’m with you we can laugh and smile just the same. I love all of you Tzuyu, I love you so much that I was willing to give you to Chaeyoung if it meant that you would be happy. If the person you love is happy that means you will be right? (hic)”
Tzuyu keeps quiet for a while and just looks at me as I hiccup away some more.
“Your mom is here let’s go.” She says quietly.
“MAMAAAAA JUST KILLED A MAN! DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRYYYYY!”
“Oh god.” I tell myself as I rub my head, “What do I do?”
I look at the stairs and wonder if Tzuyu has woken up yet. Suddenly, I hear footsteps coming down. I hide behind the counter praying it’s not Tzuyu. I peek over a little and it’s my mom.
“Oh it’s just you mom.” I take a sigh of relief.
“It’s just me?” My mom says with a stern face.
“Uh huh, that’s more like it. Don’t think I don’t know you were drinking last night.”
“How could you tell?” I ask reluctantly.
“I could smell it all over your breath while you sang Bohemian Rhapsody all the way home.”
I slam my head on the counter as I’m reminded of another terrible thing I did last night.
“I guess I should go home now huh?”
I look over at the stairs and see Tzuyu walking down with her things.
“You can stay for breakfast if you want Tzuyu, you deserve a reward. At least I know that at least ONE of you can be responsible.” My mom says.
“No it’s fine Mrs. Kim, my mom will be here any second now anyway. I’ll see myself out, bye Dahyun!” Tzuyu heads toward the door.
“Wait Tzuyu!” I yell out.
But the door slams shut before I could say anything else. My mom grounds me and keeps me in my room for the rest of the summer. The only person I can have over is Tzuyu, every time I ask her if she can come over she says she has something to do. Finally after a couple of weeks of solitary confinement, my mom decides to go easy on me and lets me free for the final week of summer. I call Tzuyu and tell her about my newly found freedom.
“Let’s do something! Umm but, no more parties, I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I laugh.
“Yeah sure! Just let me know what you want to do! By the way…do you remember anything from that night? Like maybe something you said or did?”
Oh no what do I do? Should I pretend like I don’t remember and just act like nothing happened? Or should I tell her with a clear mind how I feel?
“Umm you know…I remember calling you Yoda face or something like that?”
“Huh? Oh right, you did didn’t you?” She laughs.
“Yeah sorry about that.” I laugh a little.
“Do you remember anything else?” She asks slowly.
“Yeah, you know what apparently I know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody! Who knew?” I laugh trying to stall.
“I know right! But yeah…nothing else?”
“No…I don’t think so…did I say something strange?”
“Nope! Not really! Just wondering what you remembered that’s all!” Tzuyu yells out.
“Anyway, let’s go to the World Festival this weekend! I want to try all the new food they’re going to have this year.”
Every year Tzuyu and I go to the World Festival and try out all the different food we’ve never tried before.
“Of course! My mom lifted my punishment right on time, I am so excited.”
“Yeah so am I! I’ll see you this weekend then!” She says before she hangs up.
I wonder if Tzuyu really believed that I don’t remember what happened? Either way I decided to just have as much fun as possible this weekend. Tzuyu and I meet up at the festival and start walking around. We look all over for new food we haven’t tried before.
“Oh Tzuyu look!” I run over to a Swiss chocolate stall, “They have little Charlie Chaplin shoes! They’re so cute!”
“Yeah you’re right! I hear Swiss chocolate is delicious, we should get some!”
We end up getting a bunch of chocolate shoes, and they actually were quite delicious.
“Oh my god, Dahyun look! Is that tofu!?” Tzuyu runs over to a Filipino stall.
“Excuse me!” I call the cashier over, “Is that tofu?”
“Yes it is! It’s called Taho, it’s sitting in brown sugar.”
“Is it good?” Tzuyu asks, “I like buying her delicious tofu things because she reminds me of tofu.”
Tzuyu then proceeds to pull my cheek.
“See look! Dubu dubuun~” She says laughing.
The cashier starts laughing and I rip Tzuyu’s hand off of me.
“Yes it’s very good, would you like to try some?” The cashier offers.
The cashier pours some of the Taho in a little cup. I take a sip with a bite of tofu and I find out the tofu is softer than I thought! The brown sugar tasted so good with the tofu, it was a food combination I never thought would work well before.
“This is so good! Tzuyu do you like it?” I look over to her.
Tzuyu is just staring at me with a smile on her face.
“Tzuyu? You didn’t try your Taho yet!” I say confused.
“Oh right!” she takes a quick sip, “Oh it’s hot! Ahh! But it’s good though!”
“How much for a medium size?” I ask eagerly.
“A medium? Twenty dollars.” He says smiling.
“Really? Twenty dollars? Wooow expensive.” I say wincing.
“I’m kidding.” The cashier laughs, “It’ll be five dollars.”
“Oh good! You scared me for a second there.” I laugh.
“You’re way too gullible Dahyun. Also look right above you.” Tzuyu point at the menu above the cashier, that has all the prices on it.
The cashier laughs and Tzuyu joins him.
“Shut up, you should’ve told me when I asked how much it was!” I say pouting as I pay for the food.
“Ok, you’re right I’m sorry.” Tzuyu says laughing.
Tzuyu and I sit down and eat our Taho pretty quickly. I never thought just tofu and brown sugar could be so filling, but then I remember all the chocolate I had earlier.
“It’s dark already huh?” Tzuyu mentions.
I look around and she’s right. I get up and throw away the trash.
“I should really head home soon, my mom may have taken away the grounding, but she raised my curfew.”
“Dahyun wait, I want to talk to you about the party.”
I was scared that this was going to happen, but I guess if not today it was going to happen eventually.
“What about the party?” I ask.
“The truth is…you said some stuff to me that night that got me thinking.”
“I know I did.” I say quietly.
“It really caught me off gua- wait you remember?” Tzuyu says surprised.
“Yeah, I actually remembered the morning after, I was just…embarrassed I guess.”
There’s an awkward silence surrounding us. Tzuyu and I glimpse at each other and every time we make eye contact we would look away. Finally, I have had enough with the silence.
“Tzuyu listen, I was drunk and out of control that night. Don’t worry about it and you can just forget everything I said that night. We can just stay friends ok? I just want us to stay the same as usual ok?”
“I’ll take that as a yes. So yeah, let’s go ho-.”
“What if I don’t that? What if I don’t want to forget what you said to me that night? I know you were drunk, but if you weren’t, would you have ever told me your feelings?”
“I wasn’t even sure if I knew what those feelings were exactly. Tzuyu you’re my best friend, I didn’t want to risk losing you no matter what.”
“Dahyun you would never lose me. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about all the things you told me that night. Like how you like the way I smile, and the way my hair falls down on my face and when I place it behind my ears, and how we’re so different but when we’re together we can smile just the same.”
“You remembered all of that?”
“Of course I did, it meant a lot to me. I did a lot of thinking and with all the drama with Chaeyoung, through all this pain and misery there was one person who helped me every step of the way. That was you. Dahyun, I do love you, I really do.”
Hearing those words sent my mind and my heart for a spin. I had no idea how to react.
“I don’t know if I’m IN love with you.”
“I get it…” I say disappointed.
Oh great another one, what now?
“That doesn’t mean I can’t get there.”
Now my mind and heart are spinning again, but out of pure confusion.
“Tzuyu, what are you talking about?”
Tzuyu gets up and pulls me close and kisses me on the forehead.
“I don’t know what this feeling is, I’m still figuring myself out. I don’t know where I’d be without you Dahyun. You’ve helped me with everything for as long as I can remember. If there was one person that I would want to show me how to fall in love, I choose you. Make me love you Kim Dahyun.”
“Dahyun c’mon! Stop being afraid!” Tzuyu yells.
“No! They’re scary! I’m not going!” I scream.
“You promised that if I was able to stay away from chocolate longer than you we’d get a puppy!” She pouts.
“Ok, but that’s not fair! It was just one ChocoPie!” I cry out, “You know animals scare me!”
“But these are just cute little puppies! Dahyun please!”
I slowly walk closer to Tzuyu as one of the shelter volunteers hands her a small dog.
“I guess it’s kind of cute.” I say from a safe distance.
“She’s so sweet! Here Dahyun hold her!” Tzuyu smiles.
I look at Tzuyu’s eyes and then at the puppies eyes and I just can’t resist either one of them. I grab the puppy and stretch it as far away as possible.
“Dahyun! Hold her!” Tzuyu yells.
I pull the puppy closer slowly, and it’s actually really soft and cuddly. I sit down on the couch with Tzuyu as I hold the puppy and I don’t ever want to let her go.
“So…not so bad right?” Tzuyu smiles as she nudges me.
“This one, this is ok I guess.” I smile as the puppy naps in my arms, “Can we keep her?”
Tzuyu and I laugh at my sudden turn around.
“Yay! What should we name her?” she asks.
“I’ve never had a pet before so you can do it.” I hesitate.
“Gucci! I like that it’s cute!” She says happily.
“Ok that’s fine with me, I would have just called her pup.”
“Where would you be without me Kim Dayhun?”
