Jay

idgaf abt astarion

[ubebaebie]

Bloodweave but Astarion is very cat like

Instead of using his words to say his feelings for gale, he leaves dead animals in front of his tent after he drains their blood so gale can cook with it. Gale was horrified when he walked out and there was a dead rabbit until he looked up and saw Astarion going like :3 in the distance.

———

Astarion will be arguing with anyone AND everyone, but will willingly stand next to gale ONLY. Or karlach bc she’s really toasty and he loves that toastiness. Maybe Halsin on a good day and if Halsin lures him out.

———

Cats HATE IT when u rub or touch their belly. For Astarion, it’s his back (go figure).

BUT Astarion loves it when Gale scratches his ears, or strokes his hair. (Gale is using all his Tara knowledge rn)

———

Does it make sense for Astarion to make biscuits? No. But I do think it’ll be funny if he and Gale are cuddling, and Gale all of a sudden feels Astarion’s claws go in and out of his sleep shirt absentmindedly and he goes “u making biscuits” and astarion is like “no wtf??” (As he continues to make biscuits)

NSFW WARNING!!!!

(astarion DOES leave claws on Gale’s back though)

———

Yes vampires purr bc i think its really fucking cute and you cant stop me. Astarion, trancing while Gale reads, and Gale just absentmindedly scratches his ears and Astarion starts fucking PURRING. Gale is cooing internally.

(Also was late to making dinner bc thats the rule of cats - if they sleep on u YOU STAY STILL)

———

Astarion’s ears are also very expressive bc I Said So, and they’ll go in Airplane mode right before he pounces when he’s hunting. Or when he’s about to sneak attack in battle.

(act 1) Astarion: “yeah idgaf abt Gale who cares abt that annoying wizard”

Shadowheart: “mhmmm… sure”

*Gale’s voice is heard amongst the party returning*

Astarion, unaware his ears just perked up comically: “i cannot stand him”

[ubebaebie]

Mortal Astarion(?) in Canon

I LIIIIVEEE

My fav thing abt the tadpoles is they can be used for plot shenanigans. So here i introduce to you: the tadpole somehow makes Astarion unvampired (idk how i just want a fun AU)

Plot twist… bro had NO idea that 200 years have passed. All he knows is he got jumped by the gur, and then woke up on the beach.

He’s just constantly referencing older shit. And confused by newer news.

Wyll: yes… my father is the duke of baldurs gate

Astarion: ??? Grand duke eltan?

Wyll: who??

———

Astarion runs into gandrel with the rest of the party and everyone is confused

Gandrel: im looking for a vampire spawn named astarion

Astarion: huh ig astarion is just a really common name. thats my name too!!

Gandrel: weird. But you’re obviously not a spawn with your very living appearance and green eyes so ig ill just keep looking

Astarion: have fun and pls dont beat up any more innocent ppl. Im p sure some of ur tribe beat the hell out of me recently

Gandrel: ???? What

———

Now you see, spawn astarion is desensitized to pain and gore. Human astarion is basically a damsel in distress and cannot handle allat. He can shoot a bow well, sure, and he’s still a rogue, but he can and will throw up at large amounts of blood and whine and whimper if his ankle is sprained

Karlach, holding onto him: there, there, fancy boy. You’re almost done

Astarion, sobbing: it just hurts so much!!!

Shadowheart: it’s literally just a cracked rib!!!

Astarion: I’M A MAGISTRATE!!!! I’m not made for this!!!

Karlach, through a severely broken arm, two broken ribs, and a 3rd degree acid burn on her calf: shhh its okay fancy boy

———

Now instead of a mean astarion and selfish astarion, this is just a spoiled princess. Does he disapprove of you freeing the slaves? No. But did it HAVE to be in grymforge?!?!

———

Bloodweave moment: gale misses Tara and is living vicariously through spoiling tf outta Astarion. Astarion is complaining it’s too hot? Gale summons an orb of ice to follow him and cool him down.

Astarion complains his boots and cloak gets dirty? Gale magics it away.

Shadowheart is just like “… you know you’re just reinforcing his bad behavior…”

And gale, who lowkey has a spoiled and naughty cat named Tara and is doomed to repeat his mistakes is just like “naahhhh this is fine.”

———

Halsin treats Astarion like a very young adult. Or like a kid. Astarion hisses at him each time.

Like they’re all about to eat, and Halsin just scoops more veggies onto Astarion’s plate. Astarion just like “???” And halsin is like “young elves need more veggies to grow strong” and astarion is like “IM 39?!? IM AN ADULT TO EVERYONE ELSE???”

———

“Jay what happens in act 3” yeah ill think abt it later shhh

[ubebaebie]

Act 3 and its basically even funnier

human astarion has the fucking superman effect. He runs into petras and dalyria and they’re like “you look so familiar… we would say you’re our brother astarion but you don’t look as pathetic, starved, and miserable wtf” and astarion is like “wow there’s just a lot of people named astarion out there huh”

———

Astarion sees his grave in rethwin and is like “wait a second… this grave looks so familiar… is that my name and wait is that the day i got jumped? Huh inch resting…” (*rolls an investigation check* *gets a nat 1*) “damn ig its just another case of astarion being a really common name”

———

and ykw??? Just to continue plot bullshit and shenanigans some of baldurs gate recognize him. And ykw? The superman effect happens and Astarion unintentionally gaslights them into believing that yes he is just a really popular magistrate

Guard: “wait… haven’t i seen you before?” (thinking abt taverns he frequented)

Astarion: “i was a popular magistrate… maybe thats where??” (Genuinely clueless)

Guard: “ah i see. You know if you just had red eyes and were wearing far more revealing clothes I’d probably recognize you but i just can’t put my finger on why you look so familiar”

———

Ironically, Cazador recognizes Astarion but gaslights HIMSELF that theres no fucking way, bc astarion is not afraid of him, is indifferent, and… is standing up for the people in cells?? Honestly, Cazador gets his ass beat and BARELY puts up a fight bc he was so confused he was so convinced this was all a fever dream.

———

Yeah its basically just a bunch of whacky shenanigans idk how but the tadpole just lowkey cured astarion?? His spawn siblings are like “yo i lowkey miss our brother” and hes like “word?” and the tadfools basically hold a funeral for this missing brother or smth, and its just a really shitty portrait of astarion that victoria drew, while violet played a sad tune on her lute.

And it would be really fucking funny if somehow, idk how, but mortal astarion somehow gets his spawn memories back and is like “wait… WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?!??”

———

This whole thing is just a series of crack drabbles i thought would be really fucking funny lmao

[ubebaebie]

Mortal Astarion(?) in Canon

I LIIIIVEEE

My fav thing abt the tadpoles is they can be used for plot shenanigans. So here i introduce to you: the tadpole somehow makes Astarion unvampired (idk how i just want a fun AU)

Plot twist… bro had NO idea that 200 years have passed. All he knows is he got jumped by the gur, and then woke up on the beach.

He’s just constantly referencing older shit. And confused by newer news.

Wyll: yes… my father is the duke of baldurs gate

Astarion: ??? Grand duke eltan?

Wyll: who??

———

Astarion runs into gandrel with the rest of the party and everyone is confused

Gandrel: im looking for a vampire spawn named astarion

Astarion: huh ig astarion is just a really common name. thats my name too!!

Gandrel: weird. But you’re obviously not a spawn with your very living appearance and green eyes so ig ill just keep looking

Astarion: have fun and pls dont beat up any more innocent ppl. Im p sure some of ur tribe beat the hell out of me recently

Gandrel: ???? What

———

Now you see, spawn astarion is desensitized to pain and gore. Human astarion is basically a damsel in distress and cannot handle allat. He can shoot a bow well, sure, and he’s still a rogue, but he can and will throw up at large amounts of blood and whine and whimper if his ankle is sprained

Karlach, holding onto him: there, there, fancy boy. You’re almost done

Astarion, sobbing: it just hurts so much!!!

Shadowheart: it’s literally just a cracked rib!!!

Astarion: I’M A MAGISTRATE!!!! I’m not made for this!!!

Karlach, through a severely broken arm, two broken ribs, and a 3rd degree acid burn on her calf: shhh its okay fancy boy

———

Now instead of a mean astarion and selfish astarion, this is just a spoiled princess. Does he disapprove of you freeing the slaves? No. But did it HAVE to be in grymforge?!?!

———

Bloodweave moment: gale misses Tara and is living vicariously through spoiling tf outta Astarion. Astarion is complaining it’s too hot? Gale summons an orb of ice to follow him and cool him down.

Astarion complains his boots and cloak gets dirty? Gale magics it away.

Shadowheart is just like “… you know you’re just reinforcing his bad behavior…”

And gale, who lowkey has a spoiled and naughty cat named Tara and is doomed to repeat his mistakes is just like “naahhhh this is fine.”

———

Halsin treats Astarion like a very young adult. Or like a kid. Astarion hisses at him each time.

Like they’re all about to eat, and Halsin just scoops more veggies onto Astarion’s plate. Astarion just like “???” And halsin is like “young elves need more veggies to grow strong” and astarion is like “IM 39?!? IM AN ADULT TO EVERYONE ELSE???”

———

“Jay what happens in act 3” yeah ill think abt it later shhh

[rooji-r]

[hellspawn-enjoyer]

Have this little Karlach from a comic I'm work working on

[his-morning-star]

Astarion giving some good scritches to best boy Scratch!

[tombware]

Hiii could you please post the Astarion buttocks reduction comic here……. Thank you 😔

Sure thing boss (Did I never post it here?)

[lassieposting]

Actually. Y'all know those animal videos that are like My Dog Was Raised By Cats And Now He Purrs or This Duck Thinks He's A Dog or Mama Cat Raised Puppy Alongside Kittens?

That is. Probably what happens to Owlbear Cub.

Because he's not really being raised as an owlbear. He was, for a bit, but he didn't have a mom for very long. His primary role model now is Scratch, a goodboye. Owlbear Cub is, basically, being raised as a weird dog.

So it seems natural that he'd start copying Scratch's behaviours, to bond with his new family. And those would become habits, settled in beside his instinctive owlbear behaviours.

Scratch likes to play fetch? One day, it's Owlbear Cub who returns the ball to Shadowheart.

Scratch gets up to go lay his head on Astarion's chest when he starts to twitch and sob in his not-sleep? Owlbear Cub will go with him, and curl up there too.

Scratch enjoys chewing on Wyll's socks? Owlbear Cub...doesn't like chewing in general, really, but he does learn that if he steals companions' things and runs around the camp with them, they will chase him, and he thinks that's great fun! Gale's trousers, discarded on the floor of his tent. Astarion's shirt, snatched off the drying line. Minsc's underpants, at one point, which is still better than trying to eat Boo.

(They still haven't managed to stop him hunting small critters and dropping the bodies in people's laps, though. They're not sure where he got that one from, but Tav is sure he keeps doing it because Lae'zel and Astarion keep praising him for it. Their justifications are, respectively, "The creature is a drain on our resources; it is good that it is proving useful as a pest repellent," and, "Ooh, yay, fast food.")

Anyway, yeah. Little dude thinks he's a dog send tweet

[rooji-r]

my favorite genre is the sleepy characters and their pet

[ubebaebie]

Crack idea but basically after bg3, astarion just has a lawfirm to deal with the 7000 vampire spawns. They cover all sorts of things. Divorce, minor disputes, land disputes, wills, etc.

Some of the spawn also spy illegally on some criminals, so when Astarion is magistrating he just goes “nah bro ur guilty” and the person is like “what???” And astarion always just has random photos on hand 😭

[ubebaebie]

Now im thinking of like, judge judy where its just astarion saying shit like “you… are not the father” and doing dramatic paternity tests 😭😭

His court room so dramatic he be starting shit bc he alrdy know the verdict.

Astarion: “guiltypersonsayswhat”

Person: “what??”

Astarion: “yeah thats what i thought. TEN YEARS IN THE SLAMMER!!”

I can imagine his siblings also being in the jury, the stands, or even the guards. Sometimes his siblings also start shit too.

Violet: *sobbing* “I can’t believe this man stole my child!!!”

Person: “I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU IN MY LIFE?!?”

Violet: *wailing* “HE’S GASLIGHTING ME”

——

Dal: “yeah so thats basically evidence from this autopsy that the man actually died from poison not the knife”

Attorney: “wait when did you get your medical license??”

Dal: “oh you know… bout 200 years ago”

[Thank god Baldur’s Gate doesn’t make you retake your medical license and magistrate license]

——

The spawn just have a shit ton of money atp

[ubebaebie]

AND ANOTHER THING!!!

Them doing to catch a predator shit with yousen as a bait, so petras and violet (+sad/angry spawns) got an excuse to beat the fuck outta ppl.

Bonus, cameras somehow exist so Astarion pulls up like

And their target just knows he’s cooked…

(The spawn charge the public two gold coins per attendee in a public showing)

[piosplayhouse]

[gvalesdraws]

I AM THE COMET

[moonjumper234]

Do Not Separate Please

[lightmare000]

see him playing victim so he can watch his sweet darling beating people's' ass for him.

[sparkl3muffin]

Karlach and Astarion's epilogue dialogue cause the softness in her voice when she calls him her sweet wicked darling punches me in the gut

[ubebaebie]

Gen Z Wyll in BG3

I feel like it’d be peak if BG3 was the same, but Wyll just has Gen Z references 24/7. Like idk modern Wyll isekaid into BG3 or smth, and he just has the crippling humor of 24 year olds. Same shit different pants; Wyll is still Wyll he just now chooses to be sassy with dumbahh brainrot now.

*mild inconvenience happens*

Wyll: “chat I’m boutta blow my shit smooth off”

Lae’zel: “What the fuck is wrong with you istiks”

Shadowheart: “nono, thats a him thing. Wyll what the fuck does that mean?”

——

Wyll would now be a gunslinger and use ONLY guns whenever he finds one. Fuck the warlock pack.

The rest of the party takes cover as Wyll just starts shooting and going “WHAT THE FUCK IS A KILOMETERRRRRRR 🦅🦅🦅”

——

He’s so brainrotted. He be walking around like a sleeper agent bruh and NOBODY know what he saying.

Karlach, looking at some fruits: “oooh i want that one!”

Wyll, immediately: “you want the thick thighs pussy salad”

Karlach: “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

——

He realizes Karlach, Astarion, and Shadowheart are basically British and starts crying.

Wyll: “I thought British people are fake”

Astarion: “love, what the fuck is a british person?”

——

Somebody says some funny shit and he’ll just sigh and go “damn this would’ve done numbers on vine”

And gale is like “… what does arithmetics have to do with plants…?”

——

He calls Astarion the rizzler. Astarion is so confused. Wyll of course does not explain shit.

——

Somebody counts and says “six seven” and he loses his SHIT. They all accept he’s just strange

[ubebaebie]

I either write Gale as a sweetie, cutie patootie pookie bear or a shameless freak #tbh