college though.

I like to type about my feelings that I don't want to burden people with.

[uhhlauren]

I’ve been doing good lately managing my emotions. Recently, in the past week I’ve felt myself being offended more. Friday, he went to his friends house and texted me he was heading home and made it home in 10 minutes... his friend lives at least 30 mins away. So i told him it was sketchy. Then he came to stay over and was giving me attitude then a few minutes later and wanted to act like nothing was wrong. It very much annoyed me but I didn’t say anything because I was very annoyed and didn’t want to be mean to you. Then yesterday, we were canoodling and I got in my head and was not into it anymore you noticed and asked if I wanted you to stop. I think i told you yes but I can’t remember. Then you asked me something else and I don’t remember what it was but I’m pretty sure you could see i was uncomfortable and didn’t want to continue and you tried to bend me over and keep going. Like that is NOT ok. I in no way felt loved at that moment. I felt like a piece of meat you didn’t even care about and just wanted to use to get off. The amount of talks we have had to have about what NO means is concerning. How many is too many before I need to realize you have a problem? Then today you went fishing on your day off which annoyed me. But after thinking about it I think I was being selfish to be mad because if I worked all the time and had a day off and wanted to go shopping with my friends instead of sitting at home with you doing nothing. Now I probably would have offered for you to come with me which you did not. The day before you told me you would be getting off early which made me think we would be able to hang out all day but I guess that was my bad. It just hurts my feelings I pretty much always factor you into my plans but i’m not always factored into yours. I don’t know if that’s me not being healthy always including you in mine, or if you don’t value me by never thinking to include me in yours. Then you finally came back and I hardly got to hang out with you because you didn’t even talk to me then left which annoyed me again. I know I need to talk to you about all of this but I just don’t wanna. What happened Saturday night is what bothers me the most and I 100% feel I have the right to be upset about that. I just wish you would have noticed it was wrong and apologized without me having to tell you it was wrong and made me feel worthless.

[uhhlauren]

Insecure.

Seems the past 3 days I’ve either cried or cried myself to sleep because no matter how hard I try these insecurities won’t go away. I’ll think they are gone but then more questions come in my head or i’ll pick apart what you’ve already said and I just don’t know how to be at peace. On one hand I feel like I should talk to you about it but it’s the same question over and over and I don’t want you to get annoyed and think I’m constantly accusing you of cheating if you aren’t but I just don’t feel at peace about the subject. I don’t get why you won’t post me on your social media when you used to all the time. Who don’t you want to see it? And I don’t want to ask you to do it because I want you to do it because you want to. The main thing that sends me spiraling is when you’re on your phone around me I feel like you hide it so I can’t see. ESPECIALLY when you’re on snapchat. Today your friend snapped you and after you showed me the snap and it went back to the page of who you’ve been talking to you turned your phone away and hid it with your hand. Why? What are you hiding? I know I’ve asked you about it before and you say you aren’t hiding anything but it still seems like you are. I know I feel this way because when we were still talking before we got back together you were still talking to other girls on snapchat. And you say it wasn’t “like that” but I don’t understand why you would talk to a random girl you hardly no for no reason when I wouldn’t even respond to any boys because I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea. And it’s not like I’m some girl you barely knew and had just started talking to. We dated for over 3 years and were hanging out and I felt like it was pretty clear we were probably going to get back together so if we are hanging out and talking again why are you still talking to other girls? That’s obviously going to make me feel like the same is going to happen when we start dating again, because we had been together so long I felt like even though at that point we weren’t official but when you’ve loved someone for 3 years your eyes should only be for them. And I don’t know how to make you see it from my side how much it hurts me and how insecure it makes me. I don’t want to keep bugging you about it because I don’t want you to get mad and break up with me again because you’re tired of hearing about it but I just need to feel secure again. I hate feeling panicked all of the time and always scared that you’re going to leave or you’re doing things with someone else. I used to feel so secure and I felt like I KNEW you loved me and only me and would never even think about cheating and now I don’t feel that way at all. No one admits to cheating if you ask if they are cheating on you so I know I’m insecure so it’s like what’s the point of even asking because even if the answer was yes it’s not like I would hear it. I just wanna feel secure again. I wanna feel like I’m enough for you again. I wanna know what all of the work i’ve put into bettering myself has been noticed and that it’s enough for you. I just wanna be worthy of your love and the only one who is worth of your love because I know you’re the only person in this world who is worthy of mine.

[uhhlauren]

Feelings.

My therapist suggested writing out my feelings when I get mad at him instead of bottling them up and later going off so here I go.

I was already feeling insecure about him going to New Orleans with his friends. I was salty about it because he finally had a weekend off and he chose to hang out with his roommate he sees everyday instead of me. But I think that is me being selfish so I recognize that. I was also having slight PTSD because last him him and his roommate went to New Orleans he apparently wanted to break up with me the whole time so I’m insecure that is happening again. But I also recognized this PTSD before he left and was aware of my feelings. Well then I knew I couldnt see him Thursday because I was on call so i didnt text him that morning because i knew he was sleeping. Later he texted me asking why i was ignoring him and I told him I didnt mean too i knew he was sleeping so i didnt wanna distub him. He said he was just joking but ever since I feel like he has been acting weird. Well, I’ve tried to push down my insecurities about him going out of town this weekend but the whole time he has been gone he has hardly talked to me and it has really hurts my feelings. Like why don’t you miss me and why don’t you want to talk to me? Like it really hurts my feelings you can be gone all weekend and not miss me at all. He also hasnt even texted me he misses me and I told him I loved him the other day and I had to basically force him to say it back and it hurt my feelings really bad to be honest. And like I know he’s having fun with his friends and I don’t expect him to text me every second he is gone but if he doesn’t feel like texting all day all I need is a “Hey I love you” or a “Hey I miss you” text and I will be fine because I will know he’s thinking of me and have that validation that everything is ok. And I’ve literally told him multiple times that I’m insecure and need the extra validation these days and I’m not getting it like I don’t know what else to do to make him understand that i’m not trying to be cute like I literally need the constant validation. Like it’s starting to make me mad. He used to buy me random flowers and take me out all the time and always tell me he loves me and I don’t get that anymore. Am I not deserving anymore? Do I need to stop telling him I love him first so that he tells me first like??????? I’m sitting here spiraling and I know it but like I’m just really frustrated and want things to go back to the way they used to be. And I know he’s coming home tomorrow but now I feel mad at him and don’t want to hang out because I’m not gonna be able to push these bitchy feelings away like why did he ignore me all freaking weekend like how hard is it to tell your girlfriend of over 3.5 years you love her? you miss her? fuck even goodnight. Like did I work this hard to get better only for you to become who I used to be?

[uhhlauren]

I had my first therapy session today. We talked about you pretty much the whole time. I told her about my huge mess ups and she said the things i said to you were basically me threatening you. She said if she were you she would have felt like i was threatening her to break up with her. I told explained to her that i know what i said to you after we went to your brothers was wrong but there was more to the story than i let on. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about my mental health because you didn’t understand. I told her about the time i told you i was depressed and the next day you asked if i was still sad. She said it was you trying to be nice and show you care even though you don’t understand. And i told her about all of my anxiety that day and she said it was nice of me to help alexis and her mom and how it was hurtful what you said infront of everyone. I told her about how you’re messaging that girl and that even though you say it’s nothing I’m having a hard time believing you. She asked if you have lied to me before and i said no and she said well if he hasn’t lied before why do you think he’s lying now and i told her it’s because I never thought you would break up with me or stop loving me and you did so now I feel like everything i knew about you was a lie. And she said she knows it’s hard going from knowing your future and your plans and thinking someone will always be there and then having that be ripped away from you. But if you haven’t lied before I shouldn’t accuse you of lying now. She also said i made you the center of my life and I needed to get a life outside of you. She said I needed to start fitting you into my plans and stop waiting around for you to fit me into yours. She also said for me to just have fun and not talk about anything serious because things won’t get better if we never have any fun. The thing I’m struggling with the mosg is trusting you about that girl. I want so bad to tell you about why im struggling to trust you but then it goes against not talking about anything serious. I also told her I feel like I don’t know if you want to get back together or not because you don’t talk to me a lot anymore and that I didn’t know if it was actually because you can’t have your phone at work like you said or because you don’t want to talk to me or you’re too busy talking to her. Which also led into the talk about trusting you. I just wanted more clarity from the session but i felt like i needed more time. And now all i wanna do is talk to you about it but I know I shouldn’t unless some how you ask.

[uhhlauren]

Just documenting things so I can go back and read them if I forget and need reassurance.

Last night I went to the KA party and Tommy was there and I knew he was there because earlier in thr week he told me he was going to go and we could hang out after. He came to tell me he was leaving and I followed him to his truck hoping he would invite me over. Once I went to his truck I have no idea how we got on the subject but we had quite the therapy session. He told me he hadn’t slept with or kissed anyone since we broke up. But he said he has been talking to people but not “thirsty like” so that’s stressful. He said does he want to get back together? Yes. But not right now because work is really stressful and he said he doesn’t want the same shi* that had been happening to happen again because he feels like it will be fine for a month and then it will be bad again. I told him I totally understand he doesn’t want to get back together right now because he still needs time to heal and i 100% get that because I wouldn’t wanna get back together if he was still mad anyway. And I told him not to judge me but it wouldn’t be bad again because I’ve kept my promises and i told him i went and got medicine like i said I would and i told him i was going to start going to therapy and he said that was good and he was glad i was going. At some point i also told him that I still felt like he was it for me and that this was what God intended for me and he smiled and I could tell it made him happy because of the smile he did. I also asked if he was worried that I was gonna start treating him like katelyn treats josh and he said yes and i told him I wouldn’t because that’s not the kind of life I wanted to live and he seemed to like that reassurance. So he invited me over and I went. When I got there he gave me one of his shirts to change into so I didn’t “have to stay in that stuff all night” . I knew he was going to try to canoodle and he did and so when he tried to do the good good I finally got the courage to ask him if he was taking advantage of me and he was like no, do you think I’m taking advantage of you and i said I didn’t know and he said why and i said I didn’t wanna do this if he didn’t care. He said he wouldn’t have invited me over if he didn’t care and something else but i cant remember:( but he would kiss me in between what he was saying and I haven’t felt that loved in awhile. Then later in the night i was asleep and I think i was the little spoon and he kissed my shoulder and i felt it because I was half awake but I died inside because you don’t do that to someone you don’t love. So yeaaa u think thats all eeepppp ok byee

[uhhlauren]

“Don’t you dare say I didn’t love you”. Your defensive response when I told you how your actions were making me feel. I believed you at the time, but as time goes on I feel that way more and more. If you really loved me like you said you did you wouldn’t have been able to turn your back on me and never look back like you did. You wouldn’t be able to hang out with me and then go days without talking to me again. You wouldn’t be able to not respond to my messages. How can you treat someone you loved like this? How can you just shut off your feelings? Because I’m dying to know so I can do the same. Even when I broke up with you, when you would reach out to me I always responded, I loved you and I couldn’t just ignore you. When I would see yoh I couldn’t help but fall back in love. How are you not doing the same? I don’t understand how you can be acting this way when a few months ago we were so in love. Why am I not deserving of forgiveness? I’ve forgiven you countless times. You molested me and even though I was upset for awhile, I forgave you and loved you anyway. You lied to me about being arrested and even though it took me awhile to trust you again, I forgave you. You act like I was the devil but when it was time for me to show up I did. When I had the opportunity to forgive or walk away I chose to forgive and stay. So how come you chose so quickly to walk away without any warning. How can you be with someone for three years and just decide one day to walk out and never look back. I just can’t make myself understand. How could we have planned our future and it be all I saw just for you to leave me without warning. Now you’re gone and I’m stuck trying to pick myself back up from the depths of rock bottom trying to convince myself life is worth living without you. I loved you and I would have done anything to be better for you and even though you’re still gone I am still trying to better myself for you. So why am I not enough? Why am I not worthy of forgiveness when I always found a way to forgive you?

[uhhlauren]

Im stuck between “it’s all about who you wanna sit next to in church on Sunday and take a nap next to after” and “if they wanted to they would”. I had a mental breakdown Friday and I told you i felt like you were playing me and you were nice about it and said on Monday you would know if we can hang out this weekend and I know not to get my hopes up because I already know you will be working and even though you would have time to see me after work, I know you won’t make the time to. I know that if you really wanted to talk to me you would. All I want is to spend my light with you. I just want to be in love and have my love returned. At what point am I supposed to open my eyes and say this isn’t in God’s plan for me and move on? I feel like I need too but it’s so hard. You’re everything I want. When I think about my future you’re in it no matter how hard I try to push it out of my mind. I’m just stuck. Is God saying not yet or is he saying it’s not his plan.

[uhhlauren]

Why.

You were supposed to be my forever. I just knew I had found the one. You told me you felt the same way. Now you don’t even talk to me. You invite me over, we cuddle and kiss, and you still don’t talk to me? If you really loved someone you wouldn’t be able to do that to them. When I broke up with you, the second I had a face to face conversation with you I fell back into your arms, because that’s true love. Every mistake you ever made, lies you ever told I forgave. Not only did I forgive them but if they would start happening again I would talk to you about them before I got too angry about it. So why didn’t I get the same in return? If you love someone how can you just get so mad to the point where you are done and not even give them the chance to fix it? How do you tell someone in May you can’t wait to marry them, then tell them in August you don’t love them anymore? How is that even possible? How am I supposed to feel like you weren’t lying? How am I supposed to fight off the thoughts that maybe our whole relationship was a lie. I tell myself you aren’t talking to me because you need space, and maybe you do. But I also know the reality of life that if you wanted to talk to someone, you would. If you wanted to be with someone, you would. I feel so hopeless, like maybe this is the end, but I just can’t help but feel like our story isn’t over. I keep thinking when you showed me your furniture you bought it with me in mind. You picked it out because you knew I would like it. Is it true? But then I also can’t quit wondering if you are talking to other girls or doing worse with other girls. I wish I would have asked you the other day, but I knew it would have just made you mad. I’m trying to move on, but it’s so hard when you had someone built into your future. I want to move out but I can’t commit to a house because what if you don’t like it? I don’t want to talk to any other guys because what if you find out? Will you be mad at me? I just don’t get how you just stop loving someone you spend three years with. I’m so in love that I’m miserable. I try to convince myself that I’m not but I am. The thought of you getting another girlfriend will literally kill me. Like I seriously don’t know if I will be able to take it. I just don’t understand why you won’t give me another chance. I have told you I would be better and I already know I will. I will love you like you’ve never been loved before. I know I was selfish and I am ready to be selfless. I’m trying so hard to trust this is in God’s hands but I’m so scared. You don’t know how bad I want to spend my life with you. You don’t know how much I love you. I know I messed up, but I showed up and I forgave when it counted. Now it’s time for you to do the same and where are you? I want so bad for you to show up and just talk this out until we can finally put it behind us. I would do anything to be with you. Day 27 is in two days and I’m so conflicted if I should wait and see if you reach out to me or if I should try to reach out to you. I’ve prayed for you twice a day if not more for over 2 months now. When do I have to realize God doesn’t want this for me? I will keep knocking at God’s door, I’m still hopeful He will answer. But what if He doesn’t? When do I finally say this is enough?

[uhhlauren]

Truth.

If you offered to fix what you’ve broken and they won’t let you, then that’s no longer on you. They obviously didn’t care to fix the problem in the first place.

[uhhlauren]

Anxiety Today.

My anxiety was through the roof today. I don’t regret seeing you, because I had a great time and felt whole for the first time in months. But I’m scared I will soon regret it. I’m scared I’m not the only girl you have invited over. I’m scared I’m not the only girl on your mind or in your bed. I’m scared that even though you looked so happy to see me you will still convince yourself you should walk away. I’m scared you won’t give me the opportunity to show you I love you enough to change for you. Seeing you gave me so much hope that things were looking up. You said you weren’t ready to get back together. So does that mean it will happen eventually? I just want nothing more than to sit down and talk this out with you and for you to answer all of my questions but I just know it will only push you away. I know I have to keep acting uninterested and like I’m doing fine because that seems to be the only way you think of me. I just don’t want to get my hopes up to have my heart shot back down again, shattered into a million pieces. I keep telling myself not to worry, that God is working on things I can’t see and He is hearing my prayers. But I just can’t help the anxiety. I go crazy thinking that some other girl may be talking to you or kissing you or who knows what else with you. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I just can’t stand the fact of us not growing old together. I just want the opportunity to show you I meant every word I said and I really am changing for you. I know a lot of people don’t change when they say they will, but I am not one of those people. I will do anything for the one I love. And the one I love is you. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to bed. I just want you forever. I pray God opens your heart back up so you hope the same for me too.

[uhhlauren]

Update.

So this past Friday I went out with some friends and got a bit toasted and honestly had soo much fun! My dance moves ended up on snapchat, which you saw and ended up telling me at 3:45AM to come over the next day, so of course I did. I wen’t over and we kissed, and I got you to say you missed me. I asked you what that means and you said you aren’t ready to get back together yet. I wanted to, but I didn’t ask any more questions because I didn’t want to push you away. I’m still wondering why though. Do you need time to set the anger subside or do you need time to keep hoeing around? Part of my wonders if I shouldn’t have gone over yesterday. I wanted to see you so bad, but I’m scared you’re playing me. How sad is it to feel played by your boyfriend of 3 years. Although I didn’t regret it while I was there. You were actually looking at me like you loved me, not like you were disgusted like you would the last two months we were together. You were smiling more than I had seen you smile those past two months too. It made me feel like this break was actually needed and maybe you are going to come back to me. But I am trying not to get my hopes up because these days I just don’t know with you. I keep hoping you will ask me out again but even if you did I would have some questions for you first.

Are you sure? Because I can’t go through this heartbreak again.

Are you going to tell me next time something happens that bothers you no matter how you think I will react, instead of letting it build up until you hate me?

Are you going to be annoyed when I try to talk to you when something is bothering me? I have PTSD from you rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you in August.

Are you okay with the fact I will have some trust issues? I will constantly be scared you are going to leave me again or that you’re talking to some other girl or even cheating on me

I know I have more but I can’t think of them right now, but when I have this conversation with you in my head the questions just keep coming. The thing that makes me most sad is that I used to feel like I could talk to you about anything, and now I feel like talking to you about my feelings just annoys you. I don’t want to feel that way. I just want to feel loved and cared for again.

[uhhlauren]

Who even are you anymore?

You just liked a tweet on Twitter that says “I gave up on love a looong time ago”. I know you say that the tweets you like “don’t mean anything” but I know that you know I stalk them so I know you are liking things to hurt me. This tweet really bothered me. You’re acting like I hurt you on purpose and you’re so damaged when I did nothing but promise and tell you I would fix it. You can only play the victim so long when you were the one who turned down the opportunity to fix things. I just feel like you’re changing and it’s definitely not for the better. I feel like you’re getting around and that is not the guy I once knew. That wasn’t even the guy you were before I knew you. I feel like even if you came back I wouldn’t be able to trust you. I would never feel like you loved me and I would constantly feel like I would have to watch my every move to make you happy and to do whatever I can to make you find me attractive. That’s not the love we once shared. You’re just acting like such a jerk and a douche bag like I do not understand. You said you wanted to grow but you are seriously digressing and I don’t know how to make you realize it. Most of the time I miss you and want you back, but some times I wonder if maybe God removed you from my life because he knew this path you were about to head down and he wanted to save me from it. I feel like the person you’ve become is not the person I fell in love with. The sweet, kind, and caring man I once knew. Now you seem like a jerk who judges people, and doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings and is just trying to get in people’s pants. I’m sorry if that’s rude but it’s true. Who even are you? Why are you acting this way? Why is your heart suddenly so cold? Sometimes I think God separated us to remind us we need to put Him back in the center of our relationship, but on days like today I wonder if He did it to save me from your self destruction. I told you I would wait for you, but I can’t sit around while you sleep your way around the city. I can’t sit around for you to compare me to everyone else and maybe one day decide that I’m good enough. Will I ever find anyone else? Who knows, honestly probably not. But even though I love you I don’t want to be someone’s “good enough”. I keep thinking you will come around but I also keep thinking that if someone wants to be with you, they will be. If someone loves you they would take the time to work things out. If someone truly wanted to be with you they wouldn’t have to see other people to realize that you are the one they actually want. I won’t let you take advantage of the fact you know I will wait for you. Like I said, I do love you, and I do miss you, but I feel like the person I knew wouldn’t be the person that would come back to me. And honestly that is sad. I’m hoping I’m wrong, that one day soon you will show up and say you’re sorry for leaving and want to work it out and that it’s just the devil putting these negative thoughts in my head. But I guess only time will tell.

[uhhlauren]

I’ve still been praying for you. I pray for you every morning before work and say a rosary for us every night. I’m hoping my prayers are in the process of being answered. Saturday night you responded to my snapchat story and when I responded to your response you ignored me... I’m still trying to figure out if it was a good sign you told me you were proud or if I should be more focused on that you ignored my response. I can’t wait around for two years for you to come back. I just can’t. But I am hopeful that you reaching out to me was a sign that my prayers aren’t going unheard. That God is indeed working on your heart. I just have to be patient. I want so bad to hug you and kiss you and fall asleep in your arms and hear about your day and hear your laugh. I’m praying God will return it to me. A girl at work told me that “they always come back when you seem happy or uninterested” so I’m trying to hard to stay off of posting on Twitter and Facebook. Trying to stop posting sad things no matter how dead inside I feel so maybe you will wonder if I’m doing better. Wonder why I’m doing better. Wonder if I found someone to make me feel better. I hope the thought of me with someone else makes you sick. I hope it reminds you how much you love me and how much you want to be with me. I hope it makes you realize that if you want me you better get me before someone else does. Not that I want you to be hurting, I just want you to want me back, and I want us to be back together. I want us to grow and heal together instead of on our own terms. How else will we learn to grow in all of the other stages of our lives? I know I got mad at you and we would argue, but all couples fight. You will never find someone you don’t fight with. It’s how we work through the fights and the arguments that defines us. I hope you realize that soon.

[uhhlauren]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I would feel if you came back to me. I’m pretty sure the second I saw you I would cry, and if you asked me to be your girlfriend I would cry again and say yes. But even though I would be so thankful I would still have a lot of questions... questions such as:

Truthfully, was there another reason you broke up with me? Did you want to see if you could find someone else? Did you just want to get your dick wet? Were you going through something mentally? I know I did you wrong but if you love someone you work through the issues you don’t just leave.

Do you need to take an STD test? AKA how many girls did you mess around with?

Next time things get hard are you going to run away again? When people spend a life time together they are going to fight, I need to know you won’t just leave every time things get hard.

If I do something that upsets you can you promise me you will tell me so we can talk about it and fix it (no matter what you think my reaction will be) before you just leave again?

Are you going to continue to hold my mistakes over my head?

Are you okay with the fact it will take me some time to learn to trust you again? I will constantly be scared you’re going to leave me again. And more than that I will constantly be insecure that you are still talking to other girls.

[uhhlauren]

1 Month 6 Days without you.

Today I went to church and offered up the mass for the healing of our relationship. I wish so deeply for the chance to sit next to you during mass with your arm around me, thanking God for my answered prayers. As I was sitting in mass thinking about you I started to get annoyed. You told me you couldn’t see me because you’re busy yet you went to visit your friend yesterday. You drove home this morning so what are you doing for the rest of the day? I bet you have time to see me today. But you choose not to. I just don’t understand. I feel like you see I’m changing and I want to be better for you. So why not stop both of our heart aches and insteas let us grow together. I know I messed up but I can’t help but keep thinking if you ever really loved me you would have reached out to me by now. Why am I always the one reaching out. I’m getting so frustrated but I also feel like I need to trust the process. I have 20 more days in the petition phase of my novena and I have big hopes that on that 27th day you will finally reach out to me. I’m praying so hard that’s the case.

[uhhlauren]

1 Month 5 Days Without You.

I guess I’m getting to that point in the healing process where the anger starts to set in. Don’t get me wrong I’m not like furious or anything, just slightly annoyed; which is better than crying and feeling like dying all day I suppose. Here’s why I’m annoyed. I still can’t shake the feeling that this break-up (while yes I 100% agree part of it has to do with the way I treated you) is partially because you want to live it up before you settle down. It seems like you’re trying to get the college experience you never got because you had me. You live with two other dudes, like people do in college. You are drinking and going out almost every night. And while not confirmed, I can’t help but feel like you’re hooking up with girls too (I’m hoping this one is just my mind being insecure). I can’t help but wonder if you wanted to live your life before you settled down for good. I’m wondering if you wanted to hook up with other girls before you settled down. I can’t help but think since I wasn’t going to have sex with you, you couldn’t take it anymore and now you’re out finding it where ever you can get it. Again, hoping that thought is just me being insecure but honestly I am not sure. I saw that today you were going to Baton Rouge and I thought to myself it would be good for you to go see your brother, he is a wise man. But I later saw you were going to your old work friends house and now y’all are out drinking and doing who knows what else because the guy seems a little sketchy. I don’t know. Like I said I know I needed to change the way I treated you and that was definitely a reason you left, but I can’t help but wonder if this is another reason you’re gone. If life with me got too boring. If you wanted to go out I would have let you go, or came with you if you offered. Which is why I think to myself that you wanted to go out single so you could see other girls. You told me the other day you “need your time”. Time for what? To turn to God and actually heal your wounds, or time to get drunk every night and try to heal your wounds with other women. I just wish you would turn to God and actually start trying to figure things out, and even more I wish we could turn to God and figure things out and grow together. I’m still trusting God will lead you back to me. I still don’t think meeting you was an accident, just a chapter in my story. I still love you, but I can’t help but have these negative thoughts. I mean, what’s a girl to do but sit around and worry when the love of her life is out there around other girls.

[uhhlauren]

My Promises to You.

You told me I need to change. And I have been doing everything I can to better myself for if you ever decide to come back to me. I just want to keep a list on here to keep track of things I know I can change, make happen, and be better about.

If I feel like I am getting upset, ask myself if I am actually mad or if there is a deeper problem

If something does happen that legitimately upsets me, instead of ignoring you or saying terrible hateful things, I will tell you that my feelings were hurt and talk about it, and if I am not ready to talk about it I will ask you if I can have some time to gather my thoughts before I talk to you about it.

I will be sure to ask you everyday how work was, if you need to talk about anything with work or life in general. Ask you how you are doing mentally every day.

On days where I am not doing well mentally, let you know and talk about it if you want to hear the dark thoughts that sometimes enter my head instead of shutting you out or pushing you away

I will tell you I love you every day, even if I get that lump in my throat I always do

I will be less selfish in general. Go to the places you want to eat or the places you want to go even if I don’t really want to.

If you agree to it I want to try to start praying with each other. Praying before meals together and praying at night together.

I want to start going to church together when you don’t have work, even if one day you want me to go to Baptist church with you

I will continually pray to live out the words in 1 Corinthians 13. And if you want reflect on it with you once a week or every day even how I lived it out or what ways I could have lived it out better.

I will find something equivalent to when you give me flowers to surprise you with every now and then

I will be sure to tell you how proud of you I am and how much I admire how hard you work.