something to keep in mind:
fun aside, i think it’s important for me to remember that alan is and was never upset at me for how this turned out. i don’t want to remember this to be something it wasn’t just bc of his ensuing reaction. because somewhat ironically, alan understood the most what he was getting himself into. he knew how i would react to this kind of thing, he knew my tendencies and what kind of person i am, and he knew that this kind of event would actually probably happen. alan is very perceptive. he knew and he knows.
which is why he should have known better. but props to him. this isn’t even a misunderstanding. this isn’t even him expecting things out of me that he shouldn’t. he’s actually just doing ts for the love of the game
i don’t think he had a crush on me. i know he didn’t have a crush on me.
alan just cares that much. he likes me that much. he’s not even asking me to do anything. it’s not like he wants anything from me. all he wishes is the best. his problems are purely internal and not actually with me at all.
but i don’t want to think about that. i don’t want to know that. and i can’t really process it either. i live with an unbreakable rule that all people do is tolerate me. for anything to be so clearly beyond that is disturbing because it can’t be true (but it is).
also i think he blocked me on insta lmao. r we proud? he however did not block me on messages (i think??? it’s unclear to me how blocking works on messages so idk if my messages delivering mean anything) so i sent him some final stuff this morning. i chose my words pretty intentionally so hopefully it will clear things up vaguely for him